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Original poster

Men and women can never be friends argument

90 replies

pipsqueakbollock · 21/05/2021 00:32

I've been friends with a man since we were 16 now mid 40's. We worked together when young. Visited at Uni. Always hung out when home.

Met other halves (me first) at tail end of Uni.

Hung out as a four. Got married. Had babies and due to our friendship- still hung out but less regularly.

It dwindled. I know his wife didn't like me. I suppose I know he fancied me when young. It wasn't reciprocated. I like him, his family, even his wife.

Years pass. His wife had an affair. He took her back.
My husband had an affair and we divorced.

More years pass. We'd have lunch a couple of times a year. Didn't bring families together anymore as I was single, more recently he said his wife doesn't like me (code for she knows he used to like me).

More life passes.

Lately our paths have naturally crossed again - we work close by each other.

We have both been hurt by our spouses having affairs, yet we are not affair people.
But then there is the huge great big But.

I'm struggling and need a big fat dose of MN glaring. Give me your best shots Grin

I can talk to him about everything except the elephant in the room. Which is an increasing tension. It isn't even sexual. It's more born of loneliness. Well, for me anyway. I know he is lonely in his marriage.

There are children. It's about 8 years until they all have left home. No way would I put mine through any more trauma.

Right. Got that off my chest. Might actually get some sleep tonight Grin

I need to stop seeing him don't I.

OP posts:
Michaelangelo467 · 23/05/2021 07:57

You’ve always seen him as your back up. Yes, stay away.

Original poster
pipsqueakbollock · 23/05/2021 19:07

I've never considered him a back up. I am naive because I thought we could be platonic friends but we can't.

He was drunk last night and sent a message that crossed my line.

So I told him I would punch him and after I had punched him I had to stop seeing him.

I also told him (related to his message) he needed to get divorced and after that he could ask me and I might or might not say yes and it may or may not work out.

We won't fall out.

I'm now annoyed with him because I think my confusion is HIM crossing my boundaries.

I am glad I have posted about this. My life is a bit of a rollercoaster and I'm at a low point. A good dose of MN is always beneficial

OP posts:
Cowbells · 23/05/2021 19:12

Men and women can be friends. I have a friend I love and see once or twice a year as we live 100s of miles apart. One of the things I love about our friendship is that we have never fancied each other but we have a great banter which is almost flirtatious but not quite.

I think it is hard to be friends if one of the two would prefer romance to friendship - then the balance is wrong. But if it's just loving getting together with someone, in the same way you do with a female friend, then why not?

Your problem is that he has always had a thing about you and now you are at a very low ebb you are wondering about calling it in. That would be unfair on both of you and massively unfair on the children involved. Appreciate the friendship or spend less time together.

Original poster
pipsqueakbollock · 23/05/2021 19:46

@Cowbells
Spot on. I want to appreciate the friendship.
Thank you

OP posts:
MumofPsuedoAdult · 23/05/2021 19:52

Men and women can absolutely be friends...BUT....at some point one will fancy the other and it depends what happens when that does. If you can move past that your friendship will endure. If you give in to it / cross that boundary, the friendship will be under threat. So, would you rather be his friend long-term or his soon-to-be-ex-fling?

SwimBaby · 23/05/2021 20:10

Telling him to get divorced, ask you out and you may or may not sound say yes doesn’t sound like a friendship to me. It sounds like a good old emotional affair to me.

Manydaysgoby · 23/05/2021 20:12

Men and women can be friends, of course, but not when one is in love with the other and has been for a long time.

Original poster
pipsqueakbollock · 23/05/2021 22:03

Apart from telling me he loved me aged about 18, he's never suggested it since. Until last night text. See - I knew something was building and I wasn't sure what to do.

I never considered he held a torch seeing as he got married, was happy until she had an affair which I thought he'd got past. I don't think he even has held a torch all this time. I think he's in the marriage doldrums.

He's a great friend - who knows if he would be a great boyfriend - I'm not going to find that out unless he's single.

I'm more and more annoyed with him today - he is putting his sadness on me when he shouldn't be.

And that makes me so sad too because I want him to be a better friend than he is being right now.

OP posts:
SwimBaby · 23/05/2021 22:27

Have a break from him and spend time with your girl friends.

Onthedunes · 23/05/2021 22:29

Have we got this wrong.

Are you the one who always wanted him and now it appears you have your chance?

Poor wife, can't you leave him alone.

SwimBaby · 23/05/2021 22:42

Listen to yourself OP, you’re not just friends, you both know that. You know he fancies you, he’s married, he’s in the wrong and you’re encouraging him. Do the decent thing and break contact.

Original poster
pipsqueakbollock · 23/05/2021 23:33

@SwimBaby

Listen to yourself OP, you’re not just friends, you both know that. You know he fancies you, he’s married, he’s in the wrong and you’re encouraging him. Do the decent thing and break contact.
I am gutted but I think this holds true

Except I didn't think he felt as strongly as you suggest. I don't think he did - whatever is wrong in his marriage which he doesn't discuss and which clearly ails him is the cause of this different bubbling between us.

I feel dumb as fuck now. Except I have realised he was using me for his sadness and not the other way round.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 24/05/2021 06:31

Excessive contact and reliance: 20 meet-ups in 2 months
Deception: Keeping most meetings a secret from his wife
Declaration of feelings

He has been serving his wife a shit sandwich by pursuing you. The signs were there—especially his repeated lying by omission to her—so you didn’t exactly sleepwalk into his emotional infidelity. You’ve had him on a pedestal, though, and denied the obvious. He is an
affair-type person.

Now he has upped the ante by expressing his love (again). Your response that you might consider a romantic relationship if he divorces is surprising, as heretofore you’ve claimed having long-term platonic feelings. Besides, he’s blatantly untrustworthy.

The mockery being made of his marriage is monumental.

valnevavaxx · 24/05/2021 10:53

Men and women can be just friends, but that's not true in every specific case and I think you know in your heart that's not the case here- he fancies you (or has fancied you), he's having problems with his relationship, you're lonely. If you truly value him as a friend you will distance yourself.

SwimBaby · 24/05/2021 14:53

What’s your plan OP?

Original poster
pipsqueakbollock · 24/05/2021 18:14

I'm ignoring him!
It's only been a day.

Quite happy to ignore him. I would also not ignore him and put this out in the open. But that means going out of my way to see him which I don't want to do.

I think I feel ok seeing him going forward as long as he mentions to his wife.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 24/05/2021 18:20

@pipsqueakbollock

I've never considered him a back up. I am naive because I thought we could be platonic friends but we can't.

He was drunk last night and sent a message that crossed my line.

So I told him I would punch him and after I had punched him I had to stop seeing him.

I also told him (related to his message) he needed to get divorced and after that he could ask me and I might or might not say yes and it may or may not work out.

We won't fall out.

I'm now annoyed with him because I think my confusion is HIM crossing my boundaries.

I am glad I have posted about this. My life is a bit of a rollercoaster and I'm at a low point. A good dose of MN is always beneficial

Aye, it's all coming out now. Telling him you might be available. FFS, back off.
wanadu2022 · 24/05/2021 18:48

Oh for heaven sake, how on earth can you know if he's told his wife or not, given he's clearly been keeping secrets from BOTH of you. And if you know he has feelings for you, why on earth would you want to see him, if not for an ego boost or you considering whether a relationship could work if he was single. Its obviously not a friendship anymore.

If he had wanted to leave his wife, he would have. A long time ago. He's using both of you atm to fill some void in his life. The difference is she gets his commitment, the marriage, the kids, the deeper love (because you have always been just a crush, not a reality) and is his priority. The minute they manage to work things out he will likely put you on pause again. And if she did actually leave him, he'd use you as a rebound to get over it (because of course he'll be devastated) and then leave you for someone else, as he's always going to associate you with that terrible time in his life. I feel he's lining you up as a comfort blanket if she walks.

You're playing with fire and have everything to lose. Get your heart broken if you do develop feelings and likely lose your friendship too, and feel a thousand times worse about loneliness. He loses nothing.

Cut contact and at least you have a chance to find a healthier relationship and maintain your friendship (and not be an accomplice in him trying to cheat on his wife in anger/sadness).

wanadu2022 · 24/05/2021 18:52

I would also be wary he is using you as some sort of pawn in the conflict with his wife - she had an affair, so now he's making her feel insecure he might. This is why getting involved with a married man in the middle of relationship troubles, even as a friend, never ends well for the other person.

rjacksmiss · 24/05/2021 18:55

I fancy a few of my male friends but I'd absolutely never go there. Maybe not so much fancy, but find them attractive. I'd rather eat shit than actually ever let them know that though. I value the friendship too much!

Onthedunes · 25/05/2021 01:45

I think this is going to your head, you're really enjoying this arn't you.

You need bringing back down to earth.

I seriously doubt that his wife has had an afair here aswell, somebodies lying.

Back off from him, there are children invoved, do you not care?

Original poster
pipsqueakbollock · 26/05/2021 00:13

Is it impolite to ask someone to leave a thread @Onthedunes ?

OP posts:
Original poster
pipsqueakbollock · 26/05/2021 00:17

Friends for years.
Married. Still friends with spouses.

Busy lives not so much friends with spouses but still see each other over the years. Send birthday cards and parents anniversary cards type thing.

Spouses both have affairs.
Me - never taking you back
Him - tries to pick up the pieces.

More years pass, we have much half a dozen times a year.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 26/05/2021 00:18

Why, have I offended you pip?

I'm sorry I must remember to be polite.
I'm just concerned for his wife and children.

Original poster
pipsqueakbollock · 26/05/2021 00:33

Oops - that's wasn't me MN FREEZE

Lunch ! We have lunch. When we have lunch we catch up from our social media posts and parent news and sibling news and job news and....

Anyway. I've now spoken to him.
He apologised.

I said I won't see him for a while.
He will help me out for a particular thing for my DS which was previously booked.

@Onthedunes my life is not your life so you can't shoe horn your pain into my situation.

OP posts:
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