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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Housing issues

119 replies

Flatflatflat · 18/05/2021 16:03

Hello, first post. A year ago my last relationship ended after 5 years ago bc it was not going anywhere, no hard feelings, but i no longer see my stepdaughter, which was/is very hard.
10 months ago I bought a house alone, which I have just got keys for (2 months ago). I love it and the freedom of living alone for the v first time.
I met a lovely man 6 months ago and spend a few nights a week at his. Due to reasons I would rather not go into, he has asked if he and his adult daughter can come live with me. Soon. I am feeling very hesitant but not sure why? Please advise.

OP posts:
Wishingwell75 · 18/05/2021 18:28

Congratulations on your new home - I think you should enjoy it on your own for quite a while yet!
I have to be honest and say I would probably have been quite able to say yes to this lovely new man and his daughter, of course you can stay. I wouldn't see you on the street.
But after a long list of misery caused by my own easygoing/red flag ignoring/attitude I'm begging you to use your head as well as your heart.
If he moved in, would he still have the motivation to be seeking a new home elsewhere?
Rents outside of London have increased considerably during the pandemic and it's harder than ever to find somewhere that accepts housing benefit. If he needs to save up extra money won't that mean that he'll have less to contribute to household bills even though they will be larger for 3 adults as opposed to 1. Has he ever done this before? Would it add a lot of strain to a new relationship when he stands to lose the roof over his head - and his daughters if things don't work out?
You also have had the painful experience of losing your stepdaughter due to your long-term relationship ending - is this effecting your decision at all?
At the end of the day, 6 months is not long enough to truly know someone - that is something I learnt in the most difficult way and although I would be delighted to be wrong about this man I still think it's early days.
No matter what you decide, I really encourage you to spend some time thinking of what you truly truly want from a partner, from a relationship above and beyond a lovely, nice personality.

Wishingwell75 · 18/05/2021 18:31

I don't know what happened to my paragraphs OP, !!!

KnottedFern · 18/05/2021 18:43

Run. A. Mile!!!

Walkingthedog46 · 18/05/2021 18:47

I worked with a young woman who sadly had been widowed in her 20s and her late husband's insurance had paid off the mortgage. When she started dating again, she said so many 'dates', on discovering she owned her own home, straight away asked when they could move in! She started saying the house was only rented so she could find out whether it was her they were really interested in or only her house.

SpacePotato · 18/05/2021 18:48

He is not a nice man. He's a fucking user who saw you coming a mile off.

Lozzerbmc · 18/05/2021 18:52

No way, you have known him 6 months thats nothing. Outrageous of him to ask and a massive red flag for him to even think of asking and with his daughter! Be very careful with him.

SprayedWithDettol · 18/05/2021 18:54

Please don’t.

romdowa · 18/05/2021 18:57

You would be mad to allow this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/05/2021 19:33

He is in a sticky spot with his current housing situ

As they say on here, "there's no man keener than the man who needs somewhere to live" ... oh, and his adult DD too Hmm
His timing's good though, I'll give him that; you'd only just bought the house when you met, and he waited until you'd had the keys 2 months rather than ask straight away - clever, that

Please don't even think about it, OP; the "He works but is finding it all too much with bills, increase etc." would be enough of a red flag in itself, but expecting you to solve it for him is just too much

FinallyHere · 18/05/2021 19:52

Nope.

No

Sorry.

By all means help him access other options housing association etc but no, don't move him in after a few months.

Original poster
Flatflatflat · 18/05/2021 19:58

Thanks for all the advice from everyone, this is a pretty overwhelming No from.everyone! I've just rung him and explained that it doesn't feel right and I've suggested that we make this type of decision together in a few years and suggested he get a long lease rental to cut costs a little? Yes I might have my decision making a bit off, to be honest, prior to nice ex I was in a series of DV relationships, so it's been so lovely to be with someone who is so nice but I will hold off and see how we are in a few years. Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Zigzag77 · 18/05/2021 20:00

Well done, you absolutely did the right thing. What did he say? I hope he didn’t try to push you into it.

FinallyHere · 18/05/2021 20:01

Well done.

I think how he takes it will be a good measure of what sort of man he is.

funnylittlefloozie · 18/05/2021 20:06

Well done for listening to your instincts, OP. I'm sure he is a lovely man, but honestly after only 6 months, especially during lockdown, you can't know that for sure. Suggesting you take things slowly is spot-on advice.

Cimone · 18/05/2021 20:22

NO NO NO NO NO.

Tell him flatly that is a bad idea and you aren't comfortable with it, so no. You want to live alone for the first time in your life and you want to enjoy the solitude. So no.

Plus if you get him in there and you want them gone, what is the process? How uncomfortable will that be? And if he is paying some money to you, he may say he paid on the mortgage and make you have to sell your house to buy him out.

All in all letting some clown you barely know move up in your house with what he claims is his adult child (could be a pair of scammers for all you know), is a super bad idea. TELL HIM NO THAT WON'T BE HAPPENING.

Bluntness100 · 18/05/2021 20:24

Well done op. The odds of you ending up in another abusive situation here was sky high. They always appear nice at first don’t they?

The trick is to see when the warning signs emerge and to put boundaries in place, and this was one of the biggest warning signs there are.

How did he take it?

You need to be very very careful here with this man.

Bellyups · 18/05/2021 20:29

It would be a no from me

Cherrysoup · 18/05/2021 20:36

Dear god, no! 6 months in and he wants his dd and him to move in?! No, no, no.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/05/2021 20:38

Well done. I hope he was accepting of your decision and doesn’t bring it up again.

Always trust your gut.

Have you heard of the freedom programme? It’s a good idea if you’ve been in an abusive relationship.

Bluntness100 · 18/05/2021 20:39

Yes I’d be concerned he will just keep asking and pressurising her, promising her a life time of joy and declaring his love, and rhen bin the op off when she continues to say no. That he’s only with her to get her house.

PinkSatinMoon · 18/05/2021 20:44

Good on you OP.. I honestly thought you were going to let this happen to you..

Thank goodness you said NO 🌸

Pixilicious · 18/05/2021 20:44

God no, a million times. Why can’t he and his adult daughter house themselves?

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 18/05/2021 20:55

Well done. Enjoy your new home.

Besides everything else, you really really don't want to share with someone else's 18yo Confused. Many parents are looking forward to their own leaving home at that age.

Cloudfrost · 18/05/2021 21:01

if he is unable to pay for his bills he can always apply for goverment help

OopsUp · 18/05/2021 21:05

Well done OP. Great move. Be responsible for yourself and don't try to rescue others.