Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

My partner has left.

87 replies

Confusednewmum1 · 17/05/2021 15:55

My partner and I have been together 11 years and have a LG who is 2. Today we had an argument and he says it’s done (we have been here a lot lately) I took our daughter out and I’ve came back and he’s moved his stuff out. I’m devastated- not sure if it’s due to the loss of the relationship, but of family. My parents separated and it’s horrible, friends share kids and it’s horrible. He hasn’t answered the phone and I’ve mainly just cried. He has went to a family members home, he has never left before and has stated he doesn’t love me any more ect. What next, what do I do? We are living on a building site after running out of cash? How do we sell? Why is this the future for my child

OP posts:

Lozzerbmc · 17/05/2021 17:12

Sorry you are going through this. Seems a bit much to leave after an argument but sounds like this is a pattern. Perhaps some space will help and you can talk it over? Do you want to work it out?

DappledOliveGroves · 17/05/2021 17:32

Are you married OP? Whose owns the property and what state is it in? Are you working?

inmyslippers · 17/05/2021 17:37

A lot to adapt to there op. Two separated parents that are better then two unhappy arguing parents. Nobody ever envisions or plans on being a single parent. Have you got support while you get yourself sorted? Child care, work, family ect?

Original poster

Confusednewmum1 · 17/05/2021 18:46

The property is bad..... we own it jointly. I’m struggling with how different my life is tonight than it was this morning. A line has been crossed that he says he can’t come back from. I’m utterly devastated, he has already had a lawyer contact me to discuss visitation with our child. Requesting 2 overnights, like omg how has this happened. My LG keeps asking to pick daddy up and for him to come home

OP posts:

Shouldbedoing · 17/05/2021 18:48

This was planned.

Original poster

Confusednewmum1 · 17/05/2021 18:48

I’m a total mess, I’m angry he has done this too our daughter she is just crying saying can we go get him. How can he do this to her

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 17/05/2021 19:15

The pp was right, it was planned, and he is a coward.

I hope you have some RL support.

Lozzerbmc · 17/05/2021 19:43

Wow that was quick work on his side! What has happened before?!

Lozzerbmc · 17/05/2021 19:44

Have you someone in real life to confide in? If so tell them and get some support

DoingItMyself · 17/05/2021 19:53

Just because other people have 'horrible' co-parenting experiences doesn't mean that you have to.

Right now you are in shock. Drink hot, sweet tea, cry a lot and hug your little one.

Do you have a close relative or friend you can talk to? And keep talking to us. A lot of us have been through similar and survived.

It is likely, as he's already making his visitation claims, that he planned this in advance. He knew it was coming up, you didn't. Don't agree to anything, yet.

Is your accommodation secure? Can you stay there? What about money? When you pause in the crying (and I know from experience it goes on and on, and sometimes returns when you thought it was gone...) those are the things you need to work out.

Keep talking. MNers will listen.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/05/2021 20:42

This was planned. Cherchez la femme. I’m so sorry op, been there, it’s brutal.

inmyslippers · 17/05/2021 21:01

I had to google that purple but yes I agree. Men will won't leave unless there's someone else on the horizon

Anotheruser02 · 17/05/2021 21:11

What is it that he says he can't come back from?

Do you feel the arguments recently are engineered by him as an excuse to leave? or organic from actual problems between you?

Original poster

Confusednewmum1 · 17/05/2021 21:55

There are actual problems, lockdown and both working from home has been hard. Essentially he is smoking far too much like wakes up and starts getting stoned 7 days a week. This morning I was ranting about him forgetting to do something and said it’s because your too busy with drugs. I was in the shower and as I came out our LG repeated it Daddy why are you taking *** like heart breaking. Before anyone jumps on him he is a great dad the stress of the house ect has turned what was an odd weekend dabble into daily life. Yes he/we have depression- we both lost our dads within a year of each other combined with buying an old house and ripping it apart and then running out of money due to mortgage drawn down ....... Money wise I’m on a low income and have huge credit card debts due to the house. This is stressful as I have no clue what I will do/where we will go. It’s so hard not to be materialistic when you look at everything your child will lose - like no more swings that she loves because I will probably end up in a bed sit somewhere. We sold my car and we use his, he’s already picked it up and says it’s my problem. Like how do I get our daughter to nursery. His mum is my best friend but she has ignored any attempt to contact her. I’ve just had my first teary bed time with LG asking where daddy is and wanting a daddy cuddle

OP posts:

Norabatty40 · 17/05/2021 22:11

Got to be strong love and take back the power. Absolutely do not contact him until you have had time to process and decide your moves. He is expecting you to fall apart.

Bopahula · 17/05/2021 22:16

He's not a good dad if he's getting stoned every day of the week. Nor taking the car and leaving you with no option for getting your DD to nursery. He's a selfish dickhead who's had this planned for a while.

Do you have joint accounts? I'd move money (or at least half of it) into your own name only for now.

Don't lean on his mum. She will be on his side no matter how much you get on with her.

Beelzebop · 17/05/2021 22:21

Lots of love to you. The best strategy with your little girl is to say " we'll see.him later." And then divert. If possible 💙xx.

Onthedunes · 17/05/2021 23:03

I think the joint smoking is your way of excusing him. He wasn't stoned enough not to contact a lawyer straight away, these are not the actions of a pothead whose depressed.

Get the notion out of you head that he is to be pitied. He's a lot more clued up than you think and don't contact his mom, she's probably helping him.
Go and book a solicitor, first thing.
Tell his family nothing.

Take care

Koyto · 17/05/2021 23:07

So sorry OP, I've been were you are right now and it's devastating.
I found having to sort out finances, childcare etc in these first weeks useful in a weird kind of way, it gave me something to be busy/proactive/take control of. He's obviously had this planned away so you need to catch up, there's time to grieve in the Months ahead. Right now your daughter needs stability and strength from you. Sadly, men like these take the easy route bailing out like this, what an absolute fucking coward.
So. Keep your mind busy with plans and lists..
Do you have any friends or family to call on for help with nursery?
If not, can you move to a nursery closer to home?
Can you get some time off work to start sorting yourself out childcare/home wise?
Make an appointment to see a solicitor this week, you can get a free 1st appointments easily.
Contact child benefits/universal credit/tax credits, let them know you are now single parent
Contact the council to get single person rate relief
Move out half the money from any joint accounts/change any of your wages etc into that account immediately
MOST importantly, take lots of time with your daughter to do things together, watching cartoons under the duvet, take a walk with her every day even if its around the block.. it's just you and her now, a little team- she will keep you focused and keep you strong.. she needs you and you need her.
Thinking of you.. keep posting here, MN was a godsend to me when I went through it xx

Koyto · 17/05/2021 23:11

One last thing, your debt needs to be dealt with so make an appointment with C.A.B who can help you negotiate with your debtors regarding payments, there will be lots of options x

Sid077 · 17/05/2021 23:16

What bopahula said - great advice there. What an shitty thing to do, hugs & tmw will be better than today as the shock will have worn off a bit, take back control & mind yourself.

Perdigal · 17/05/2021 23:27

No overnights as he is a pot head.
Protect your child
He'll have to get drug tested
Explain that the small recreational has turned into a drug problem. You can't have your daughter around that especially overnight .
Good luck and yes sweet tea and hugs with you LG x

user11838686969686 · 17/05/2021 23:29

We sold my car and we use his, he’s already picked it up and says it’s my problem. Like how do I get our daughter to nursery

Sorry, what were you saying about him being a good dad?

I understand you don't want to feel like you're criticising a man you love, but he does have very real flaws and making excuses for him is going to get you stuck in a place that will stop you coming out the other side of this. Don't waste energy throwing yourself into defending the image of the man you wished/ thought he was.

That's not to say you go to the opposite extreme and demonise him like some evil monster, because that's inaccurate too, just take an evidence based assessment and stop minimising/excusing the shit behaviour.

Posters have started giving examples of practical steps you can take to help yourself and make this a bit less awful than the catastrophe it feels right now. Compiling a list of worries and practical options to resolve them or seek help may be useful.

The more options you can find and the more of a plan you can formulate the better you will feel because both of those give you more control. Some of how you're feeling right now is from the sense of having all control over your life ripped away.

Nannyamc · 17/05/2021 23:40

So so sorry for you. You are the parent that needs to step up. Doping at this level is not acceptable despite debts. His family are protecting him.
Deep breaths and get on with any provisions you can make he is not a good father. You can do this. Onwards and upwards.

RBKB · 18/05/2021 06:37

He is not, NOT a good dad and actually you will both be better off. If he leaves weed around, if it's resin she could mistake it for chocolate and ingest it. So...tell his lawyer that then start looking for real life support today...you will be better off without someone who prioritises drugs. His little one's comment forced him to glimpse his own, appalling behaviour and he's directing his shame your way. And now his little girl cannot get to nursery. Not. A. Good. Dad. Jeez. I'm furious for you.

Flip

1 2 3 4