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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has left.

87 replies

Confusednewmum1 · 17/05/2021 15:55

My partner and I have been together 11 years and have a LG who is 2. Today we had an argument and he says it’s done (we have been here a lot lately) I took our daughter out and I’ve came back and he’s moved his stuff out. I’m devastated- not sure if it’s due to the loss of the relationship, but of family. My parents separated and it’s horrible, friends share kids and it’s horrible. He hasn’t answered the phone and I’ve mainly just cried. He has went to a family members home, he has never left before and has stated he doesn’t love me any more ect. What next, what do I do? We are living on a building site after running out of cash? How do we sell? Why is this the future for my child

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 18/05/2021 22:32

Oh op, he's doing this to further send you crazy, whilst he appears the reasonable, logical parent. His family are arseholes joining in with the kicking.

This is an attempt to make you feel further isolated, honestly some in laws are bastards. Have you tried to contact your parents, please try to get in touch, you need RL support, someone in your corner.

Do not speak to his mother or sister again, it sounds as though this man child has got them to do his dirty work. Cunt.
Has your LG left already, please try to eat something and drink you need your strength.

Try not to contact him, he will show the messages to his family, don't give him the opportunity to act the victim.
Because this is what this is currently about with him, he planned it and he wants to leave without guilt. You are on a different page to him, you are wanting answers, reason, remorse, he is wanting an exit with a fanfare of pity to help him on his way.
Time to get smart, but rest as much as possible tonight.
Keep posting, we are with you.

Sending hugs
xx

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/05/2021 22:42

I'm worried he's going to frame it that you kicked him and her out OP.

Keep all messages, change your mind and say in writing (text / email) that you aren't comfortable with her staying with him as he has been using drugs so much recently and your priority is her wellbeing.

Take some time off as emergency / parental leave even if it's unpaid.

I really think she should be with you right now, once he's got her he can refuse to bring her home to 'punish' you and the police will tell you there isn't much you can do if he has parental rights.

You need to get smart, get cold and focus on doing the hard bits now for the long term wellbeing of you and DD x

Original poster
Confusednewmum1 · 18/05/2021 22:47

He has stopped smoking/his mum won’t allow it. She will be there all the time. Everything online talks about 50:50 being best........ I just want her to be ok, she’s upset and asking for him.

OP posts:
LizB62A · 18/05/2021 22:47

You should get legal advice before you let your daughter go to him.
Have you maybe got legal cover on your household insurance? (so you can talk to a solicitor about your options re: visitation etc.)

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/05/2021 22:57

@Confusednewmum1

He has stopped smoking/his mum won’t allow it. She will be there all the time. Everything online talks about 50:50 being best........ I just want her to be ok, she’s upset and asking for him.
You said they've already gone from being supportive of you to being disloyal to you and loyal to him. Their priority is your ex. Your priority is your daughter.

Everything online talks about 50:50 being best...

Not when 50:50 means 50% of time with someone who has been smoking weed every day. He's suddenly going to stop smoking completely is he? You can't know that so you can't assume that.

His mum is going to be an enabler. She will think that kicking him out (if he was to start again) would mean less contact time with your DD so she will cover for him.

I know you don't think she would be like that but you also didn't think she would turn on you and she's already done it within 24 hours.

Original poster
Confusednewmum1 · 18/05/2021 23:05

Omg not return her, I don’t think he would do that? We had booked these two weeks off, so I don’t need to worry about work just now. I’m petrified it didn’t cross my mind he wouldn’t send her back. He is collecting her in the morning as she’s nursery Wednesday- Friday. I’m starting to think she would be better off there just now, I’m a crying mess. I have spoken to my mum who is supportive and gives good advice but we are not close. She and my dad split when I was 13 and have never been close since - she’s ill and had 3 strokes since September.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/05/2021 23:10

She's best off with you. You're a responsible mother who wants the best for her. He's a pothead who has fucked off and started to poison people about you.

This is scary I know but he has equal parental rights to you currently, so I believe once she's there you can't force him to bring her home and would have to pursue legal channels to do this. I'm not trying to scare you but it's something you need to know is possible.

She is safer with you than she is with him. Your home is her home. All her things are there. Her routine is there.

She may well ask for him but she's not much older than a baby and you are her parent - her non druggie parent - so you get to decide what's best for her. She would probably like chocolate and ice cream for every meal but you wouldn't let her have them because it's not good for her.

If he's got his mum and sister firmly on side and being disloyal to you already, get some support around you and get some legal advice Thanks

Nutellacoconut · 18/05/2021 23:17

The problem was not you calling him out on taking drugs, the problem is him doing drugs.

Raising a child in an environment where a parent smokes weed is appalling. You were right. Don't let him spin this because you're sad he's gone. Thank goodness. You and your child don't need someone who spends their time stoned and has contact with a drug dealer.

Onthedunes · 18/05/2021 23:34

The first thing to do with getting smart is treating him like a stranger.

He is doing this to you, he has walked away, is ignoring you and it appears he may be getting advice on how to handle the situation.
You have to act accordingly, act as though he is someone you hardly know, all corespondance should be curt and straight to the point.

You never smoked weed, he did, state that in corespondance it will look bad for him. He will try to reduce you to a quivering wreck and that puts him at an advantage.
I know you are in a great deal of pain but it will get worse if you hand over any more power to him.
You are the responsible one, always have been, don't let him take that away from you, he will play on your devestation to make you appear unstable and crazy.
Please don't fall into the trap.
Flowers

Justilou1 · 19/05/2021 03:57

Tbh, I would get the police to do a cannabis test if he was driving my kid anywhere

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/05/2021 10:50

How are you doing today OP? Hope you're ok Thanks

Onthedunes · 19/05/2021 12:23

How are you op, Hope you are alright. xx

Original poster
Confusednewmum1 · 19/05/2021 14:30

I’m bad but I’ve phoned the GP, the hairdresser and booked my eyebrows. I can’t control this, I just seem to have forgotten all the bad and can only remember the good. I just feel like life has imploded

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/05/2021 15:36

Did you manage to speak to the GP?

Is she at her grandma's now and is there a plan for when she'll be back with you?

Stop focusing on the good memories, I know it's hard but focus on the reality of who you are with and what his priorities are.

Read this back and remember that this is not a suitable environment for a little child to live in:

Essentially he is smoking far too much like wakes up and starts getting stoned 7 days a week. This morning I was ranting about him forgetting to do something and said it’s because your too busy with drugs. I was in the shower and as I came out our LG repeated it Daddy why are you taking (drugs) like heart breaking.

To be complicit in your daughter growing up in a home where drugs are being smoked 24/7 7 days a week is neglectful, so you cannot continue living with him and her.

Please do consider calling women's aid to get some legal advice on next steps, I'm worried he has his mum and sister on side and you sound ground down and vulnerable Thanks

Original poster
Confusednewmum1 · 19/05/2021 17:37

Yeah they have picked her up from nursery. She is with them now. He says he feels broken by our relationship and that’s why he has been getting stoned to cope with the fights ect. I spoke to the GP who has given me something for anxiety - I can pick up the prescription tomorrow. I haven’t slept in days. I told my best friend last night and she has been great today. It’s hard she moved to Australia 2 years ago but she’s made me giggle at least.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/05/2021 17:56

Are you not willing to at least look into some legal advice so you know where you stand re responsibilities to your child now you've split up?

It sounds like you would take him back if he waltzed in and that's scary because you need to remember your daughter has been living with someone stoned 24/7 recently. Good parents aren't stoned 24/7. He isn't a good dad.

I'm glad your friend cheered you up but you do need to do some homework re legalities of what's happening because he has his mum and sister available to help him do so on his side. Thanks

Original poster
Confusednewmum1 · 19/05/2021 20:06

I can’t face the reality of legal yet, I just can’t all I can do is cry and cry.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/05/2021 20:35

Knowledge is power my love, I know it all feels too huge to confront right now but you need to dig deep and get some legal advice before he starts calling the shots. Her being there gives you a day or so at least to make calls and research next steps. It's not for you it's for your little girl Thanks

Justilou1 · 20/05/2021 10:09

Of course he’s counting on you doing exactly what you’re doing

FunMcCool · 20/05/2021 13:42

You are strong. You are strong. You will be ok.

Original poster
Confusednewmum1 · 20/05/2021 14:15

I just want him back, yes I want changes made we are both in such a terrible depression due the house and our finances, covid ect. But I feel like these aren’t forever things. God I wish I could turn back the clock.

OP posts:
AlmostSummer21 · 20/05/2021 14:37

Please stop wishing you could turn back the clock.

You're not seeing things straight at the moment. When you do, you'll realise this is for the best. Hard to hear right now, I know

It WILL all be ok, but you need a shit hot lawyer and fast

He planned this & yes 'look for the woman'. She'll probably turn up as a 'new girlfriend' very soon. One which your inlaws have probably known about for a while.

I would have told him that I'm not handing a toddler over to a stoner so take me to court if you want to apply for supervised contact.

You can't trust his mother because her blue eyed boy will do not wrong in her eyes.

Drink lots of water and try to eat, even if it's only little bits at a time. Not drinking water & not eating will only make you less able to cope.

You CAN do this & you'll come out the other end stronger & happier. 💐

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/05/2021 14:40

"I just want him back, yes I want changes made we are both in such a terrible depression due the house and our finances, covid and him being a drug addict who treats me with contempt and has said he doesn't live me any more"

I've added the reality of the situation there because you need to focus on what's best for your daughter and that isn't you getting back together.

Especially not when the dynamic is one where he leaves and you are the one desperate for him back and therefore willing to concede to his demands and tolerate his bad behaviour. Which includes him smoking drugs in the same house as your child from the time he wakes up in the morning.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/05/2021 14:41

"... doesn't love me anymore" that was meant to say obviously.

lulupooh · 20/05/2021 14:55

At some point you'll start to see him for what he really is, you've got rose-tinted glasses on now because you're heartbroken. And I agree with everyone else, for a depressed stoner who couldn't get his shit together to try and sort your relationship and house out for you both and your daughter, he has certainly got his arse into gear fast leaving you. This was planned and premeditated by him and his family. I couldn't have let my daughter stay there both due to the drugs and the fact that he fucked off and left you with debts and a house in disarray. He's a prick, I hope you get angry soon and wipe the floor with him. What a millstone.