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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My partner has left.

87 replies

Confusednewmum1 · 17/05/2021 15:55

My partner and I have been together 11 years and have a LG who is 2. Today we had an argument and he says it’s done (we have been here a lot lately) I took our daughter out and I’ve came back and he’s moved his stuff out. I’m devastated- not sure if it’s due to the loss of the relationship, but of family. My parents separated and it’s horrible, friends share kids and it’s horrible. He hasn’t answered the phone and I’ve mainly just cried. He has went to a family members home, he has never left before and has stated he doesn’t love me any more ect. What next, what do I do? We are living on a building site after running out of cash? How do we sell? Why is this the future for my child

OP posts:

TeddyBeans · 18/05/2021 06:49

I was in this situation 2 years ago and it's honestly been the best thing that could have happened to me. It certainly didn't feel like it at the time and busying myself separating and sorting the finances did really help in the first few weeks.

My DS and I had to move 6 months after my ex left but we were renting so it was substantially easier than your situation. But we're here, almost 2 years later. DS is thriving, he started overnight contact at the beginning of the year and we're in the court process to get the rest sorted.

I mentioned my ex's weed smoking to cafcass and the first court call put a clause in that he couldn't smoke it for 24 hours prior to contact. Which means if I have doubts, DS doesn't go.

There are things you can do to protect her, researching your options will also be a useful distraction at this point. Give it a couple of weeks - the relief will come

justanotherneighinparadise · 18/05/2021 06:52

So the house needs to go on the market as a project and you need to find somewhere safe to live. Can you move in with family?

Original poster

Confusednewmum1 · 18/05/2021 08:43

I don’t have any family I could go to. Due to an extended Mat leave and then straight into lockdown, I’ve lost contact with all my friends and colleagues. I feel so alone. I wish I could turn the clock back, I feel sick to my stomach, I keep staring at a LG whose life and future has been changed forever

OP posts:

Sid077 · 18/05/2021 09:10

Pls contact an old friend even if you have lost contact in the last while, if an old friend who you had lost touch with contacted you in these circumstances you would help & most ppl would.

Rainbow321 · 18/05/2021 09:16

You say he is a great dad , but in reality he is not . You are living in a house that in your own words sounds like it is needing a whole heap of work doing to it as you say it's a building site. You also say you are in debt , yet he is spending money on getting high all day . That is not a good father .

candycane222 · 18/05/2021 09:31

You say your dd's life and duture have changed for ever, but it sounds like sadly this was always going to be hers and your life, sooner or later. Me and my dh have been through stressful times but he didn't become incapable on drugs/alcohol, argue and be nasty, or take away my dcs means of getting to nursery. And he didn't seek to escape with the temporary thrill of another woman, which you partner may have done (and how utterly despicable if he has done this)

Sadly it looks like your dp, through immaturity or weakness, was probably always going to let you down. You are fighting your way through the worst bit right now, but the future life you build for your dd can be more stable, more secure, and free from the day to day arguments your partner's weakness & selfishness was causing.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 18/05/2021 09:40

I think you need to contact the housing office and ask to be rehomed. If you are up to your ears in credit card debt, going bankrupt might be your best bet. The house needs to be put up for sale. Your ex is an utter shit. He is not your friend at all.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/05/2021 09:52

How can you say he is a good dad?

He's smoking drugs all day, around your child, who now knows at her tiny age what drugs are.

He has left you without a car to get her to nursery or anywhere else.

How can you say he's a good dad? FFS I'm sorry you're upset but your child needs at least one sensible parent putting her first and it isn't going to be him so you need to step up and be glad you aren't together anymore because now your daughter won't be living in a house with drugs and a toxic dynamic.

Don't you think she deserves better than that?

Justilou1 · 18/05/2021 09:59

You have all this house debt while he has been spending on pot. This is NOT okay. Your daughter is not safe with a stoned dad.

romany4 · 18/05/2021 10:15

This was planned

Absolutely this

Justilou1 · 18/05/2021 10:20

Also, please forget any idea that his mum is your best friend. She is going to want access to your kid and to ensure that you get as little money from her waster son as possible. You need legal advice ASAP.

OopsUp · 18/05/2021 11:18

Legal advice OP. Pronto.

Brace yourself for a potential other women.

RantyAnty · 18/05/2021 11:37

Definitely get legal advice!

Is he working? It sounds like you have taken all the financial burden on.

inmyslippers · 18/05/2021 12:05

Probably doesn't feel like it. But this is a blessing. In a few years time you'll back and wish it happened sooner

Houseofvelour · 18/05/2021 12:16

I'm so sorry

I know it's devastating seeing your dd so upset but thankfully kids adapt to situations very quickly so she'll be ok.
You need to look after yourself as well as dd right now. Eat well, try to sleep when you can, get some legal advice and some counselling. You're going to be ok xx

Original poster

Confusednewmum1 · 18/05/2021 19:10

It’s so so hard. Yes he works and is the main earner. I feel totally cast adrift, I have confided heavily in his mum and sister about our problems and today they have all turned. All telling him everything I’ve ever said all telling him that I’m toxic. I’ve lost everything and I’m trying to keep it together, but god how do I even make this better. I have cried more tears than I thought possible. What friends I did have have ghosted me when I’ve reached out today and just made polite murmers about fault on both sides and how we are better apart. Like my life has shifted catastrophically in 24 hours how how do I get over this. I can’t declare bankruptcy because of my job, I just have to get through it. But how, why has this happened. He says I show him now respect and has little girl asking about drugs shows that!!! Like she has no fucking clue, she just repeated something

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/05/2021 19:31

Sorry, he's blaming you for his little girl knowing about drugs even though he is the one taking them? You just had the audacity to call him out on it?

Fuck me he is an absolute waster.

I promise you, in a year you will look back and know this is the BEST THING EVER to happen to you and your daughter.

She deserves a happy, healthy mummy and you can't be those things living with such a prick especially one who takes drugs.

Their family always chooses their relative, even when people think they couldn't possibly and have great relationships with in laws.

Hold tight, focus on your little girl and the fact you can set a good example to her and set up a safe home for her without a drug taking wanker there.

Justilou1 · 18/05/2021 20:35

You probably need to involve social services to get financial assistance and legal protection from this arsehole

Alfiemoon1 · 18/05/2021 20:51

So sorry op. Make sure you eat and drink. Get legal advice

Original poster

Confusednewmum1 · 18/05/2021 21:18

It’s so bad, I just feel like things can be fixed but he’s having none of it. I just had LG call to say goodnight and he’s at home with his mum and sister so much support all of who say not to come back......... I’m here alone with a LG who I’ve packed a bag to go to stay with her dad and granny for 2 days. Like this is literally killing me. I’m a mess, he feels nothing he did this now I lose my daughter

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/05/2021 21:19

Why is she going to them for two days?

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 18/05/2021 21:26

Do not let her go to them for 2 days.

Op, I know you are heartbroken but he is way ahead of the game here. You need to get smart, fast.

ChiefBabySniffer · 18/05/2021 21:34

Jesus Christ op. Why are you letting your daughter go to stay with a man that does drugs every single day?! Nooooooo! You need to protect her for gods sake.

Where are YOUR family?

Judgedbycats · 18/05/2021 21:55

Sorry this is happening to you.

But honestly, druggies are shit parents. They're selfish arseholes who use people and you're well rid.

Fuck 2 nights at Daddies, tell him he needs to prove that he's fit to care for your little girl.

And he owes you a car.

mugofwater · 18/05/2021 22:23

What if he refuses to return her after two days? Says it's better for her with him and his family than with you?

Better wait and get legal advice and contact set up formally.

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