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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this bother you

121 replies

Lookafteryourself · 17/05/2021 12:54

It was my birthday the other week, my partner treated me to some expensive ear rings diamond cut as I was trying them on I said their lovely, he replied yeah they should be for the fucking price of them, I felt a bit like that wasn’t necessary to say that as if he was having a go at me because he bought them, also that same week we were lying in bed in the morning and I casually said to him shall I get something nice for dinner tonight he was moody and replied no I’m staying at home tonight for dinner, I didn’t have a problem with that but we hadn’t discussed it and the fact he was moody made it worse, we hadn’t rowed infact that same morning he woke up and we had sex then fell back to sleep, not sure why he’s behaving like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookafteryourself · 17/05/2021 17:43

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

It's irrelevant if you were rude about the earrings, because even a broken clock is right twice a day. He was bound to kick off over something reasonable at some point.

The main issue is that you are not happy, many things piss you off and make you angry, he gives you the silent treatment, he calls all the shots, you're already walking on eggshells and trying to avoid confrontation,changing your behaviour etc. Do you seriously see yourself living like this for years and year? Because he won't change.

No I can’t see us having any future together realistically I just wanted People’s views on things, I didn’t know if I was right to be annoyed at his Facebook usage after work seems most of you wouldn’t put up with it, I just thought it was his downtime after work but then we don’t see each other every night so I suppose the nights we don’t see each other he could go on them.
OP posts:
ItsCokeFFS · 17/05/2021 18:16

@user1471457751

I was with you at first about the earrings but with your follow up post, I don't see what he did wrong. You criticised his gift (making a comment about how you hope these don't ruin like your earrings from Claires) and compared his gift to a really cheap brand. I think him making a jokey comment about the cost is fine in that context and I wouldn't have blamed him if he was upset with your comment. You were rather rude.
This is spot on.

It's not quite how you described it in your first post is it?

No-one has ever given me diamond earrings, but I hope that I would say "thank you, they are lovely" rather than implying that they are on a par with cheap tat.

You were definitely rude.

Original poster
Lookafteryourself · 17/05/2021 18:20

I never said that at all and never would! I said they were lovely and couldn’t stop thanking him

OP posts:
Waiting423 · 17/05/2021 18:27

I think you were rude about the earrings - obviously not intentionally - and even though he realised that - it still needled him so he retaliated …. To be honest it sounds like 2 human beings having a misunderstanding .

As to the rest of the relationship it does sound a bit like he has the upper hand

Bluntness100 · 17/05/2021 19:24

@Lookafteryourself

I never said that at all and never would! I said they were lovely and couldn’t stop thanking him
But you did op. He gave you an expensive pair of earrings. You responded and said I hope they don’t go brown like the cheap stuff from Claire’s.

This insinuates they ate cheap crap. Which is why he responded with the comment he did. He’d not have said it if you had not said you hoped they weren’t as shite as the Claire’s ones.

Original poster
Lookafteryourself · 17/05/2021 19:28

I never said I hope their not as shite as the Claire’s one your completely misunderstanding the whole thing, I had previously told him the earrings I got from Claire’s had turned brown I didn’t know why and not for a second thought it’s because their cheap,

OP posts:
MuttsNutts · 17/05/2021 19:37

Never mind the earrings - he sounds like a selfish prick who expects you to do all the compromising.

And he ignores you for days when you argue? What the actual fuck?

You sound like you think this is all you expect or deserve from a relationship.

Raise your bar lady. And understand that being on your own is preferable to being with someone who puts himself first all the time.

Naimee87 · 17/05/2021 19:46

I see, well he seems pretty ‚self involved‘ and has his own plans that he seems not to deviate from. Which is totally unfair as there should be compromise on both sides? How old are you if you don‘t mind me asking? Is the age difference quite big? You deserve to be in a relationship with someone that makes you feel good about yourself and he doesn‘t seem to.

Original poster
Lookafteryourself · 17/05/2021 19:46

@MuttsNutts

Never mind the earrings - he sounds like a selfish prick who expects you to do all the compromising.

And he ignores you for days when you argue? What the actual fuck?

You sound like you think this is all you expect or deserve from a relationship.

Raise your bar lady. And understand that being on your own is preferable to being with someone who puts himself first all the time.

He’s never coped with conflict, all I want to do is talk and sort things out but he never wants to I just have to wait till he stops sulking.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lookafteryourself · 17/05/2021 19:48

@Naimee87

I see, well he seems pretty ‚self involved‘ and has his own plans that he seems not to deviate from. Which is totally unfair as there should be compromise on both sides? How old are you if you don‘t mind me asking? Is the age difference quite big? You deserve to be in a relationship with someone that makes you feel good about yourself and he doesn‘t seem to.
I’m 45 so only 4 years younger I agree the relationship is one sided he decides when he will stay over at mine.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lookafteryourself · 17/05/2021 19:51

I actually thought the reason my earrings had turned brown was because I wasn’t taking them out while washing, I just hoped the ones he bought me wouldn’t do that so I took take them while taking a shower.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookafteryourself · 17/05/2021 19:53

I take them out while taking a shower

OP posts:
Naimee87 · 17/05/2021 19:53

Well i‘m no relationship genius quite the opposite really but i know the relief i‘ve felt after getting out of bad relationships definitely outweighs the small instances of happiness that i had in the relationships. You have to do what will ultimately make you happy

MuttsNutts · 17/05/2021 19:55

I just have to wait till he stops sulking.

No, you really don’t you know Sad

Toilenstripes · 17/05/2021 19:59

He’s not a gentleman. He’s a foul-mouthed knob.

Lovelydiscusfish · 17/05/2021 20:03

OP, he’s a bit of a knob, come on!

I get that men (huge generalisation here, but work with me) tend to need to take SPACE after an argument, more than women do. But, there is taking space, and then there is ignoring you for days like a complete fucking dickhead. My boyfriend and I have both needed to take a bit of space when the other has (inadvertently) pissed us off. But it’s been a matter of minutes, or hours, not days. AND conducted in a polite, constructive manner, not like “fuck you, not speaking to YOU!”

Lose this one, OP. Somewhere down the back of the sofa, preferably.....

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 17/05/2021 20:19

No I can’t see us having any future together realistically I just wanted People’s views on things, I didn’t know if I was right to be annoyed at his Facebook usage after work seems most of you wouldn’t put up with it, I just thought it was his downtime after work but then we don’t see each other every night so I suppose the nights we don’t see each other he could go on them.

Then the earrings, FB, the dog etc. Is all irrelevant. He isn't who you want and need him to be . It's irrelevant if he's great except for... . He is that person including the things that bother and upset you. Including the man you can never have a serious conversation with. You must wait until he stops sulking, and presumably forget all about it? Can't you see how unhealthy that is? Your feelings , wants,needs,upsets will never come first because you must pander to his silent treatment... for days!

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/05/2021 20:30

@Lookafteryourself

We’ve been together 2 years, well on an evening if he’s coming to mine for dinner we can’t eat till about 20-15 as he gets in from work around 6 then he has to go on Facebook, then he has to walk his dog shower by this time it’s getting on for 8 and I’m starving! But I’ve always just put up with it and thought well he’s been work he has to get in and unwind, once I made a lovely lasagna couldn’t have it until 20-45! As he took his dog for a longer walk even though he knew I was cooking.
No he doesn't have to go on Facebook, he chooses to. No he doesn't have to shower (unless he works down a mine or similar, he chooses to. (and that's, what 10 minutes tops anyway.) He does have to walk the dog.

The longer walk seems like deliberate disrespect to me.

He really doesn't like you does heSad? Takes every opportunity to snub you and have you dance to his tune. You deserve better.

FinallyHere · 17/05/2021 20:32

As he took his dog for a longer walk even though he knew I was cooking.

To me, that sounds as if you could do with some stronger boundaries. How would you feel about telling him what time you are going to eat, tell he I'm he is welcome to join you if he gets there by then?

You see, I get the walking tbe DDog but not the messing around on FaceBook while you are waiting to eat.

Are you really so keen to have him eat with you that you are prepared to wait for hours?

I think you are right I try to please him as much as possible just to avoid arguments as when we argue he ignores me for days.

This is a bit more worrying, as if you are tip toeing around him. Just for the record, people who 'ignore you for days' are really the kind of people who it will be fun to be around.

I’ve called him before like 30 times in one day and he totally ignored me

OK, if this really is real, @Lookafteryourself

Don't call anyone more than twice.

Just don't.

No one is worth chasing that much. If you chase them anyway, they start to think they must be pretty special for you to be chasing them that much. And so they let you chase rather than engaging with you like a real human being.

No one likes a sulker.

Just don't

Original poster
Lookafteryourself · 17/05/2021 20:48

I’ve just been putting up with it to avoid arguments as I know he will ignore me for days I’ve been an idiot I realise that now, another thing he does that bugs me is he will leave it till late at night when he knows I get tired to call me, it’s on his terms when he’s done everything mostly fb I suppose, I just feel second best.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookafteryourself · 17/05/2021 20:52

@FinallyHere

As he took his dog for a longer walk even though he knew I was cooking.

To me, that sounds as if you could do with some stronger boundaries. How would you feel about telling him what time you are going to eat, tell he I'm he is welcome to join you if he gets there by then?

You see, I get the walking tbe DDog but not the messing around on FaceBook while you are waiting to eat.

Are you really so keen to have him eat with you that you are prepared to wait for hours?

I think you are right I try to please him as much as possible just to avoid arguments as when we argue he ignores me for days.

This is a bit more worrying, as if you are tip toeing around him. Just for the record, people who 'ignore you for days' are really the kind of people who it will be fun to be around.

I’ve called him before like 30 times in one day and he totally ignored me

OK, if this really is real, @Lookafteryourself

Don't call anyone more than twice.

Just don't.

No one is worth chasing that much. If you chase them anyway, they start to think they must be pretty special for you to be chasing them that much. And so they let you chase rather than engaging with you like a real human being.

No one likes a sulker.

Just don't

We’ve spoke before about him coming earlier but he says he can’t as he likes to get home and have a coffee the best he can do is 8pm I end up snacking.
OP posts:
FinallyHere · 17/05/2021 21:06

I'm so sorry @Lookafteryourself

It's never easy to realise quite how much you are giving for so very little return.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 21:08

Serious question for you OP... if you're only happy some of the time, everything is on his terms, he won't discuss things properly, he punishes you with silence... AND you say you already know it won't last long term, why on earth are you staying with him for even one more day? You're just wasting time and grinding down your self esteem along with your expectations of men's behaviour in the future. The sooner you break up, the better.

Original poster
Lookafteryourself · 17/05/2021 21:12

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Serious question for you OP... if you're only happy some of the time, everything is on his terms, he won't discuss things properly, he punishes you with silence... AND you say you already know it won't last long term, why on earth are you staying with him for even one more day? You're just wasting time and grinding down your self esteem along with your expectations of men's behaviour in the future. The sooner you break up, the better.
I’ve been thinking about ending things with him but I wanted other people’s views on things first to make sure it’s him in the wrong and not me.
OP posts:
FinallyHere · 17/05/2021 21:16

to make sure it’s him in the wrong and not me.

Oh lovely, @Lookafteryourself , trust yourself. If it takes this much running around after him, it's not right for you.