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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He doesn’t seem really bothered about his son?

79 replies

Amz210 · 16/05/2021 21:28

So I read a thread just now that prompted me to get some advice about my situation.

I’ve been seeing this man from September, we met online and clicked straight away. Honestly it’s like I fell head over heels in love and him the same. He had a six month old baby with a woman who was a one night stand. She lives a few hours away, when I met him he would always talk about his son, how he never had his dad in his life, how he needs it to be different.

He seemed really passionate about his son, and would go and fetch the baby, and spend a few days with him and take him back. We’ve spoken about moving to be closer to his son, the babies mum doesn’t know about me yet because he thinks she will stop him from seeing him. And he told me he can’t deal with that. It is something that needs to be done because we’ve spoken about us having our own child together.

Recently though I’ve really thought he only sees his son around onc a month, maybe for a few days at a time but he lost his job. And still only sees him that often. Also when he has his son we don’t see each other and he will often call me and the baby isn’t with him. He SEEMS like he really loves his child, he did say he wishes he had him with me instead. But is this normal? Am I setting myself up for failure

OP posts:
Notashandyta · 16/05/2021 21:31

The baby is very young.

Maybe the mum isn't keen on being away from him for more than that?

FelicityPike · 16/05/2021 21:31

No it’s not normal. He’s an arse.

FortunesFave · 16/05/2021 21:32

None of it is normal. I'd doubt the woman was a one night stand for a start.

If she was, why was she letting him take a newborn for a few days? VERY unusual indeed. And now...seems he's not bothered.

Get out of it. He's not a good man.

Amz210 · 16/05/2021 21:33

I thought that, it seems a very touchy subject. In the beginning he would always rant about the babies mum. To the point where I had to say, we’re trying to have a new relationship... please stop talking about her

OP posts:
Amz210 · 16/05/2021 21:33

The baby wasn’t a newborn and is over one now, just when I met him he was 6 months old.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 16/05/2021 21:33

So many red flags here OP.

RantyAnty · 16/05/2021 21:34

Do his actions match his words?

sittingonacornflake · 16/05/2021 21:36

So. So. So. So. So. Many warning signs

RUN FOR THE HILLS.

Amz210 · 16/05/2021 21:36

I can’t lie. With me he has been amazing, he spoils me. He’s so romantic and supportive. He always has his son when he says he is going to. He seems involved when he has him. I’m not with him so I couldn’t really say

OP posts:
overnightangel · 16/05/2021 21:36

He may not be married to this woman but I bet that’s closer to the truth than “one night stand”

Amz210 · 16/05/2021 21:37

I honestly feel like I’ve blindly walked into something.... like what are the warning signs. It sounds stupid but... I just thought he was struggling to be a dad hundreds of miles a way with a woman he didn’t want to be with. Sorry his words not mine

OP posts:
Frazzledfranny · 16/05/2021 21:37

The ‘she won’t let me see him if she knows about you’ is bullshit and the biggest red flag.

Cut him loose.

Amz210 · 16/05/2021 21:40

Yeah I can understand that but he’s let me see their conversations and they get along okay for the most part but it’s never romantic or anything. I’m with him mostly every day so I don’t think anything is going on.

I did ask him why he would give her a baby and not me. Because he said he wouldn’t want another for a long time. That’s the only time I’ve felt like she was “more” to him

OP posts:
Thefourbells · 16/05/2021 21:40

Oh god there are so many red flags here

Love bombing
Getting serious too quickly
Bad mouthing his ex
Using his baby as a "hook" (SO common with abusive men)

Thefourbells · 16/05/2021 21:40

I did ask him why he would give her a baby and not me.

You've been together 8 months!!!!

Thefourbells · 16/05/2021 21:41

How are you wanting a baby with this man when you are not even living together and you haven't even met his existing child? You are moving absurdly fast.

Amz210 · 16/05/2021 21:43

What’s using his baby as a “hook” sorry?

No I know that we’ve not been together long. It wasn’t now. As in trying for a baby. Just talking about the future.

Obviously before we would even move into together she would need to know about us, I would want her to be comfortable enough for the baby to be around me. I don’t think it’s fair she doesn’t know about me

OP posts:
Unanananana · 16/05/2021 21:44

@Amz210

Yeah I can understand that but he’s let me see their conversations and they get along okay for the most part but it’s never romantic or anything. I’m with him mostly every day so I don’t think anything is going on.

I did ask him why he would give her a baby and not me. Because he said he wouldn’t want another for a long time. That’s the only time I’ve felt like she was “more” to him

Why would you WANT a baby with him?? Another one he will abandon?

One night stand my arse. He is love-bombing you. Is he back working? If not, you have yourself a future cocklodger on your hands.

Run.

Thefourbells · 16/05/2021 21:46

What’s using his baby as a “hook” sorry?

Presenting it as the interesting thing about himself that gets you hooked.

He will have had an image he image he wanted to present you with.

Everything about this screams run tbh. Particularly the bit about not telling his ex about you as she would stop him seeing his child. If he'd said you couldn't meet the baby yet as the two of you hadn't been together long enough, I might feel differently.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/05/2021 21:47

I did ask him why he would give her a baby and not me. Because he said he wouldn’t want another for a long time. That’s the only time I’ve felt like she was “more” to him

I have so many questions...

Why on earth would you want him to say meaningless words to prove something to you when it means sod all in reality? What if he had said yes I would love another baby let's start trying?!

Why would you even be thinking about having a baby with someone you barely know who you know already has a very small baby?!

Why would you date someone who has a six month old baby? I would think a decent guy would be focusing on work and co-parenting (even if broken up from the mother of his child) instead of shagging a new woman at that point, no?

Are you all extremely young?

Thefourbells · 16/05/2021 21:47

You just have to ask yourself- if this was a one night stand, why would the baby's mother be so jealous of you that she would stop her child seeing its father.

I smell a 16 tonne rat.

Amz210 · 16/05/2021 21:48

I admit I have been caught up in my feelings. I don’t feel lovebombed or uncomfortable at any point by his actions towards me. I would say we just clicked immediately and fell for each other. I would say 8 months is enough time to know you’re in love.

Hes back working now because he was very insecure about not being able to support his son. I also have a decent enough job. That bothered him I think and he always said he couldn’t keep up with me financially

OP posts:
Amz210 · 16/05/2021 21:50

I’m 31 he’s 30 and the babies mum is around 26/27?

He said he promised her he wouldn’t get in a relationship until their baby is older. So I think he didn’t want to let her down in that sense? I’m not sure about the jealousy bit

OP posts:
Lan2020 · 16/05/2021 21:51

If she was just a one night stand, then why would she stop him seeing the baby if he finds out about you?
Also, if the baby is so young then why does he have an issue with you being around the baby.

In terms of how often he has the baby; it's not a lot but it depends on the logistics of the situation I suppose (travel, work etc) and maybe with the baby being young, it would be a long time away from mum. Saying that, it must be confusing for a child so young to not see his father for weeks and then suddenly spend days away from his mum with a stranger.

Thefourbells · 16/05/2021 21:52

8 months is not enough time to be planning a future with a man you don't even live with.