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Original poster

He doesn’t seem really bothered about his son?

79 replies

Amz210 · 16/05/2021 21:28

So I read a thread just now that prompted me to get some advice about my situation.

I’ve been seeing this man from September, we met online and clicked straight away. Honestly it’s like I fell head over heels in love and him the same. He had a six month old baby with a woman who was a one night stand. She lives a few hours away, when I met him he would always talk about his son, how he never had his dad in his life, how he needs it to be different.

He seemed really passionate about his son, and would go and fetch the baby, and spend a few days with him and take him back. We’ve spoken about moving to be closer to his son, the babies mum doesn’t know about me yet because he thinks she will stop him from seeing him. And he told me he can’t deal with that. It is something that needs to be done because we’ve spoken about us having our own child together.

Recently though I’ve really thought he only sees his son around onc a month, maybe for a few days at a time but he lost his job. And still only sees him that often. Also when he has his son we don’t see each other and he will often call me and the baby isn’t with him. He SEEMS like he really loves his child, he did say he wishes he had him with me instead. But is this normal? Am I setting myself up for failure

OP posts:
Original poster
Amz210 · 16/05/2021 22:19

He is working now he just lost his job due to Covid restrictions etc. It’s just that I do out earn him so he probably feels inferior.

Written down this is a shit show. I really love him though, this is going to hurt Sad

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 16/05/2021 22:22

People lie about having children? For what reason? What would there be to gain? I’ve heard of people lying about not having children but never pretending that they do?

Happycat1212 · 16/05/2021 22:23

Your friends probably just agree with you, I have a friend and if you say anything bad about her relationship she stops speaking to you so now I don’t say what I really think.

Unanananana · 16/05/2021 22:24

You love the idea of him. You love what he is telling you.

You don't know who he really is after 8 months with so many half-truths. How can you believe a word he says?

peboh · 16/05/2021 22:28

@Happycat1212

People lie about having children? For what reason? What would there be to gain? I’ve heard of people lying about not having children but never pretending that they do?
Some men lie about having children as they feel is makes them more approachable to woman. I wouldn't say it's common, but it's definitely a thing. If this man has lied about having a child, he's not the first and he definitely wouldn't be the last.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/05/2021 22:30

Decent men don't start dating and shagging when they have a six month old new baby. That baby should be their focus. As should getting a job and not lying to the mother of their child. Or the woman they start dating and sleeping with shortly after the baby is born.

I promise you, good guys don't do that.

When you challenged him re her not being a one night stand, he lied again.

If I'm honest, saying he wishes the baby was one he had with you, when he's only known you a few months, should have been a huge turn off. Because it's a horrible thing to say about his baby.

He's a run of the mill dickhead. You'll barely remember his last name in a year.

Happycat1212 · 16/05/2021 22:30

I would say having children puts more people off you than makes them attracted to you, especially if they don’t have children themselves! It’s hardly desirable so I’m surprised people lie about that!

Thefourbells · 16/05/2021 22:31

People lie about having children? For what reason? What would there be to gain? I’ve heard of people lying about not having children but never pretending that they do?

As a hook to make themselves seem more desirable/interesting than actually are.

It's mostly men that do it.

I've seen some truly vile lies in my time. Including the man who told a colleague that not only he had had a child, but that that child died of leukaemia.

Neither were true.

Thefourbells · 16/05/2021 22:33

I would say having children puts more people off you than makes them attracted to you, especially if they don’t have children themselves! It’s hardly desirable so I’m surprised people lie about that!

A lot of women naively think that if a man has a child and appears interested in them he must be a great guy.

It also makes them want to have babies with him themselves.

TinaTurnoff · 16/05/2021 22:34

@Amz210 I had a whirlwind romance with someone who swept me off my feet and we had a connection like I’d never experienced before. When my kids were at their dad’s, we spent every second we could together. I was stunned when he ended it. On mature reflection, I can now see he had a dreadful track record with commitment - to his two children, by his two exes, who live in different countries. I got burned.

Original poster
Amz210 · 16/05/2021 22:35

I suppose it just made me feel special. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I felt loved. I can’t believe he would lie so muc h. I never really thought about the young baby and jumping into a new relationship aspect

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 16/05/2021 22:36

You barely know this man.

You're building a picture in your head (helped by him) of a picture perfect future, seen through rose tinted specs.

The reality is he's a stranger you don't really know.

Thefourbells · 16/05/2021 22:37

OP you're not stupid for falling for it. It happens to the best of us.

You'd be less than wise to continue with it, however.

Original poster
Amz210 · 16/05/2021 22:39

Of course I know i don’t know him inside out. Obviously I was expecting that to come with time once I meet his son, his family etc.

I’m just sitting back and thinking so was everything a lie? I honestly believed he loved me.

OP posts:
peboh · 16/05/2021 22:43

@Amz210

I suppose it just made me feel special. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I felt loved. I can’t believe he would lie so muc h. I never really thought about the young baby and jumping into a new relationship aspect
You've been love bombed op. I'm sorry, but this relationship was doomed from the offset.
Fireflygal · 16/05/2021 22:43

Oh believe me I had said I know you’re lying about the one night stand. That’s when he said he wished the baby was with me, he’d be so happy etc etc

So you caught him out on a big lie and he managed to charm you into forgetting he is a liar. That's lovebombing.

When someone tells you who they are believe them.

Red flags galore. Get out now before you get in deeper.

Original poster
Amz210 · 16/05/2021 22:45

Okay thank you everyone for your input. Everyone seems to be saying the same thing.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 16/05/2021 22:51

As harsh as this might sound OP, chances are he told the baby's mother she was the best thing that ever happened to him not so long ago.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/05/2021 22:53

If a man with a child said I was the best thing that ever happened to him, especially if I only knew him a few months, I would think it safe to assume he was a pretty shit dad!

MindtheBelleek · 16/05/2021 23:03

@Happycat1212

People lie about having children? For what reason? What would there be to gain? I’ve heard of people lying about not having children but never pretending that they do?
Let’s see, the OP clearly found her new man being ‘passionate about his son’ endearing, so there’s the ‘hook in a new girlfriend by appearing adorably committed to his young baby’ angle. Like that old Athena poster. Especially as once he’d hooked the OP, he started being a lot less interested in the baby.

But also, which is key to this scenario, the fact that the baby’s existence means he can’t go public about the OP as his girlfriend because he’s apparently promised the baby’s mother not to enter a relationship till the child is older. So he gets to make all kinds of future-faking promises to the OP, but has an excuse for why he can’t move in with her etc.

Lots of reasons.

Original poster
Amz210 · 16/05/2021 23:04

It doesn’t matter now but I definitely don’t think they were ever in a relationship. At least he never had those feelings for her. So I suppose it was easier to me to get into this situation.

In regards to the best thing that ever happened to him, he told me he didn’t want the baby. Obviously he’s here now and he cares for him but he wasn’t ready

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 16/05/2021 23:08

I guess it’s just because I would find a man with a child a turn off rather than it make me attracted to them but maybe some women find men with children more attractive, I wouldn’t want to have to take on someone else’s child/be a step mum/ blend families so I didn’t realise so many women found that desirable! Still seems odd to lie about it though. 🤷‍♀️

willsa · 16/05/2021 23:09

I met a man who made up having THREE children and an ex wife!

Needanewhat · 16/05/2021 23:10

I wouldn’t want to have to take on someone else’s child/be a step mum/ blend families so I didn’t realise so many women found that desirable

It's a particular type of woman with certain vulnerabilities.

Happycat1212 · 16/05/2021 23:15

My ex lies to women about having kids because he thinks they will he put off him having 5 😂 better tell him that women see it as desirable!