How worried would you be at this age? friend comment worried me

[hildar]

I’m 36 in October and I am in a 4 month long relationship with someone I really click with. It’s been a slow pace, didn’t have sex until a week ago for example. But he makes me feel like the world is lit up again! Quite soppy I know. We have talked about marriage and kids and he said from the start that’s what he wants. We’ve never said we want that together and obviously we have only just started a relationship so it isn’t a topic for now. He’s 38 if that matters!

Speaking to a friend last night who was going on and on about how old I am and said I really needed to start having chats with him about a having family ASAP. I really want this and she knows it but I felt it was almost said in a way to put me down...she is settled and there’s been a few comments about my age in the past which have upset me. Anyway, regardless of her intention it’s really panicked me.

My question is, if you don’t want kids alone (I know it’s an option it’s just not for me), how worried would you be now? I think about it all the time and have since I was 30, just never met the right person, but I don’t want to rush things with this man. I also want us to be more established and that can’t happen immediately. How worried would you be about age?

I am finding it hard to relax and see how things go and I don’t want to ruin the relationship in the process.

Your friend sounds crazy. Actually cross that. She is not your friend. She is trying to sabotage this

My mum had me at 36 way back in the seventies.

One of my closest friends had her boys at 38 & 42, with some medical intervention.

Another fell pregnant naturally at 43.

I know several women who conceived naturally in their early 40s and one as late as 49 all of whom went of to have healthy babies.

Obviously there are risk factors with age in terms of conceiving and health issues for mum and baby, but at 35 and only 4 months into a new relationship I wouldn't tie yourself in knots about it just yet.

I don’t think you should put pressure on yourself because of your age and wanting kids. It can lead to ruining the relationship- or worse, having kids with someone you don’t really know.

Yes it is definitely a fact (despite what many MNers will tell you) that a woman’s fertility declines as she gets older, but you’re not yet 40 and that’s the ‘new’ 35 for women (ie when the medics seem to be more concerned about fertility).

Focus on the relationship. See how it goes and if it’s right you’ll both agree to have kids sooner but don’t jump the gun.

This person is not your friend.

And no way would I broach the topic of kids until at least 18 months into a relationship (and personally I would want marriage first). It's nice that things are nice atm...but at four months in, you dont actually really even know the guy.

Enjoy it for the good company it is. And if you're still together in a year, sit down and discuss some fixed steps forward and timelines for marriage and kids.

Ditch your friend. She doesnt mean good things for you.

If she's "going on and on" and making you feel pressurised - she's not being a good friend... What does she hope to gain/what does it have to do with her/do you want a potentially good partner to start feeling pressure because you do (and kill the relationship)?

I think that yes, you're at an age that it is better to be in relationships that loo k like they could go on to be serious and only with a man who would like kids but other than that there is no rush. Better make sure you're good together etc before thinking of kids with him.

I had my last child at 40 and wasn't even planned.

If it helps I’m 40, want more children (I have a nearly adult son) and am very happily single and not even actively dating or looking to date.

I know I’ll find the right guy at the right time and will have two more children

Thanks. I have really struggled with panics about this for the last five years basically. A relationship ended age 32 and I was devastated and worried about it all. It’s always on my mind.

But when I met this man I was just so happy to be with him, I felt sure I wanted to spend time with him and get to know him. And I sort of relaxed a bit and thought I can see how this goes. But my friends comment has sparked the fear up again that is always there. I think about it all the time at night etc but when I’m with him I just try to focus on the relationship. I was doing ok with that but now she’s made a huge deal about being 36 towards end of the year and I am in a spin all over again. It’s not like I never think about it, of course I do, but the pressure feels huge again now.

This is her way of subtly taking the shine off your happiness. She’s jealous.

Honestly? At your ages I think you could speed things up a little and revisit the initial conversation you’ve had about marriage and kids. Being realistic you don’t have as long as a couple in your twenties and if you’re not on the same page then you’re best to know now. But if you are, you will know that you’re looking at being together and get a rough timeline for yourselves.
Fwiw I was 29 but had two children so needed to know my relationship would be serious so I was very upfront right from the start. We were married within the year and still going strong 14 years later. When you know, you know. No point waiting around!

@Umberellatheweatha
and no way would I broach the topic of kids until 18 months into the relationship

That's surely ridiculous? After 18 months you find you are not on the same page and don't have the same views of your future and have to split up, hopefully to meet someone else and spend another 18 months before broaching the topic of kids again?

I'm not talking ultimatums or firm commitments but I would expect conversations in the early days about what you both saw as your preferred future, what your goals in life were.

'I definitely want a couple of kids, sooner rather than later'.
'I really want to travel the world for a couple of years before I settle down'.
'I think I want kids sometime, but I know I'm not ready yet'.
'I plan on working another 10 years then taking early retirement and buying a croft in Scotland and raising sheep'.

These are perfectly natural and important convrsations to have early in a relationship - all part of getting to know one another.

She's being really mean and I wouldn't listen to her advice. I have cut friends loose for this kind of thing, trying to home in on aspects of my life I am concerned about and scaremongering.

You have established you and DP both want the same things and are getting to know each other steadily. I'm in the very same boat so am no expert on what works best but I'd say you have done the right things.

Perhaps check back in periodically regarding children etc. after being together, say, 9 months or a year. DP will be aware that although, all being well you don't need to rush to get pregnant, you are 36 not 26 and are looking for a family so might want to confirm that you're both still heading in the same direction. The timescale isn't 'last ditch rush to get pregnant without regarding getting to know the person properly', so it sounds as though your friend doesn't have your or your relationship's best interests at heart.

Have you considered speaking to a therapist about things? I know some people on here may insist it is the norm to worry yourself sick about having kids but personally I disagree. If something currently non exiatant is getting in the way of you enjoying your life, it needs addressed.

At 4 months in the stage you're at (hypothetical conversation to make sure you're roughly on the same page) is absolutely normal, and any attempt to speed things up may backfire and make you seem like a loon.

In a year's time, if things are still good, I'd hope to start having some more serious conversations about your future plans as a couple.

She is not a friend.
I too think she is jealous.
I would ease away from her and certainly not speak of deep and meaningful things to her.
Enjoy your new relationship. Don't rush things.

Of course fertility declines, your not ancient but your not really young to get it all together in a let’s date for ten years first way. So I can see why there is some sense of not wanting to wait around but your friend is clearly not helping.

My SIL would bring this up right away with men she dated mid to late thirties. It scared them off. You have both brought it up naturally. Now if the time to find out if your compatible as people. There is no manual with how many months you should wait. Let it progress and evolve but as the months past it will hopefully become apparent.

I'd be booking a private gynae appointment and having your AMH levels checked. This is a scan and blood test and will give you an indication of your ovarian reserve and whether its poor, average or high for your age. If your reserve is higher than normal for your age, then there isn't such a pressure to TTC right now.

It doesn't rule out other fertility issues which can affect you, but would at least give you an indication of where you stand. They generally wouldn't do it on the NHS until you were TTC at least 6mths after age 35, so going private would be much quicker.

I would be very concerned that if it took 4 months to get to the stage of having sex, how long will it take to the marriage and/or kids.

I’d go and get your eggs frozen and take the pressure off the relationship
I had first baby at 37, then 2 miscarriages and no decent eggs left at 39

2 friends of mine have just had kids at 37. One of them intends to have another soon and is having fertility treatment and the other wants at least 4 kids so will go well into her 40s. My aunty had kids in her 40s too (42 and 44). I had my kids in late 20s/early 30s and never once put pressure on my friends or family to do the same. Everyone sees life differently and what is right for me isn't necessarily right for others. If I wanted another, my age wouldn't put me off. I'd be more concerned about health and wellbeing over age. As long as you're fit and healthy, ready for sleepless nights and changing nappies then you can have a baby.

Don't feel pressured by your friend. You do you!

Ignore your 'friend'. I would keep my cards close to my chest regarding this relationship when she is around. Unfortunately there are alot of people in this world who can never be genuinely happy for others. They can pretend to be happy for you once they feel they are still doing better than you in life.

Enjoy your new relationship, take your time to get to know him. I had my last baby 3 months before my 40th birthday(baby before that at 37) I know many women who have had babies in their late 30's and early to mid 40's.

Please don't let your friend sabotage your happiness.

Yes, friend is not behaving as friends should! If you want to continue with the friendship, wouldn’t discuss your fertility OR relationships with her. Or have any regard for what she says about those things.

@Veuvelily

I’d go and get your eggs frozen and take the pressure off the relationship I had first baby at 37, then 2 miscarriages and no decent eggs left at 39

I'm sorry for your losses. Unfortunately the success rate for a life pregnancy using frozen eggs is less than 2% so I don't think that's a great option.

I do agree you should have a fertility MOT @hildar. Your friend is being unkind but I do think you having a clear understanding of your fertility would give you a better idea of how much time you have before trying to start a family.

You are both fully grown up and for you, these years are particularly important for conceiving, if that's what you want. So, give him three months. If after that it's not clear that he wants a family with you, soon, move on.

She's not necessarily being mean/jealous she could be honestly concerned since she knows it's something you really really want and she's worried for you that you'll run out of time. If she's otherwise a good friend I wouldn't doubt her motives but I would tell her to stop that it's not helpful and it's stressing you out.

Realistically you don't have masses of time but it's such early days I wouldn't ramp up any pressure as that's a recipe for disaster. Try and enjoy the relationship for the next year and really get to know him and see if you find yourself on the same page at the end of the year. Then you'll both probably want to get cracking and if not you can cut your losses with some time left.