How worried would you be at this age? friend comment worried me

[hildar]

I’m 36 in October and I am in a 4 month long relationship with someone I really click with. It’s been a slow pace, didn’t have sex until a week ago for example. But he makes me feel like the world is lit up again! Quite soppy I know. We have talked about marriage and kids and he said from the start that’s what he wants. We’ve never said we want that together and obviously we have only just started a relationship so it isn’t a topic for now. He’s 38 if that matters!

Speaking to a friend last night who was going on and on about how old I am and said I really needed to start having chats with him about a having family ASAP. I really want this and she knows it but I felt it was almost said in a way to put me down...she is settled and there’s been a few comments about my age in the past which have upset me. Anyway, regardless of her intention it’s really panicked me.

My question is, if you don’t want kids alone (I know it’s an option it’s just not for me), how worried would you be now? I think about it all the time and have since I was 30, just never met the right person, but I don’t want to rush things with this man. I also want us to be more established and that can’t happen immediately. How worried would you be about age?

I am finding it hard to relax and see how things go and I don’t want to ruin the relationship in the process.

Don't panic at all!

I know someone who is in a similar position and she is having her eggs frozen and considering freezing an embryo from donor sperm too. It feels like an insurance policy for her as she is sure she wants children with or without a partner, but since she's in a relationship she isn't going to rush to do either, which I think is sensible.

Like everyone else I know women who have had babies into their forties. 36 isn't that old at all, but as we are helpfully reminded all the time, fertility does start to decline around that age.

@hildar Don't listen to your mate, she shouldn't be adding pressure to you. FYI I'm 38 and expecting first baby with DF who I met just before I was 35. Any thing is possible and things should be done at your own pace without pressure from others. Happy you've got someone that makes you feel fab!☺️

I would suggest biding your time until the appropriate natural moment to talk about hopes and aspirations for the future, or it could be prompted by tv, movie etc drop in that one day you would like to have kids when the time is right. If he balks and says he doesn't want kids you know it's time to consider your options. If he smokes and says me too .. well!

I completely disagree with PP who say that OP's friend is being mean or is jealous.

I mean, she might be but it sounds much more like she is being practical & caring.

The facts are that 36 is not too late to have a baby. But over 35 is in the 'older' category for a first-time mother.

The fact that it's societally more prevalent now doesn't change the biology of it.

OP it's lovely you are in a happy relationship now. Of course you shouldn't start demanding to have babies with your new man right now. But as Scarby said, it's entirely appropriate to make clear what your priorities are, and a timeframe around that.

I have seen so many women in the situation where a relationship ends in their late 30s, then they are panicked as every single potential relationship is set against a large ticking clock. A vicious cycle develops where it becomes impossible to develop a genuine relationship, as they are petrified of the chance to have children slipping away.

Having honest conversations about your expectations is entirely reasonable at both your ages.

I think your friend is doing you a favour.

Any thing is possible

But it's not!

Women have been sold this line that 'you can have it all' and having babies late in life is a matter of choice.

For some, that turns out to be true. But for many more, they hesitate to name their priorities & spend time in unsuitable relationships. Then it becomes too late, and the options available are usually expensive & very low success rate.

It's of course fine if someone is ambivalent about having children, to adopt a 'wait & see' approach. But if it's something you really want, you do need to be proactive.

I think its too early. Give it say 6 more months and then maybe (assuming he doesn't bring it up) have a chat about it.

@MintyCedric

My mum had me at 36 way back in the seventies.

One of my closest friends had her boys at 38 & 42, with some medical intervention.

Another fell pregnant naturally at 43.

I know several women who conceived naturally in their early 40s and one as late as 49 all of whom went of to have healthy babies.

Obviously there are risk factors with age in terms of conceiving and health issues for mum and baby, but at 35 and only 4 months into a new relationship I wouldn't tie yourself in knots about it just yet.

This. Off the top of my head I know six women who had first children in their 40s; one at 46.

Give it a year at least to really get to know him. Bin your "friend."

What a toxic friend! These types are all faux concern but really she's trying to rain on your parade, I bet if you announced you were pregnant next week there would be something else for her to niggle at, ignore her negativity.

It sounds like things are going well with new man, four months is too early to know if he's the right one to have a family with so maybe wait a bit longer before addressing it. You do still have time and having babies in your 40s seems to be common now. Don't let your friend stirring spoil your happiness for now.

Friendship is supposed to be an enjoyable positive thing and make you feel good when you spend time together.

She does the opposite. You really don't need someone like that in your life.

Just enjoy the relationship OP, you don't want to fast track all the nice bits. If it's meant to be you'll figure it out together.

I think your friend might be slightly envious of your lovely new relationship especially if you are on cloud nine and glowing.

Try and see it as somewhere between the two, the fact that she went on and on about your age seems a bit designed to burst your bubble which could be jealously driven. Separate from that she can probably see you are incredibly smitten and wants to make sure you are not getting too involved with a man without knowing whether he is serious about marriage and babies with you. I think the fact you have got to know this man really well before becoming physical makes me feel that he is looking for something long term with you which is a very good sign.

Four months in is too soon, but in your mind draw up a timeline when you are going to talk about it more maybe in another 6 months and enjoy your relationship and refuse to think about it again until that 6 months is up. Your friend could panic you into scaring this guy off unnecessarily, don’t let that happen.

She may be being a bit horrible but she isn't entirely wrong. Especially if you're taking things slow. You definitely can have children after 36, but speaking as someone who's had a miscarriage and a stillbirth, things aren't always easy or quick or as you'd want them to be. And I started in my 20s. If my journey had been from 36+ I don't think I would have been able to have as many kids as I had hoped for. And I still don't have as many as I hoped for since one died.

What a weird bitchy thing for her to do. Why would you possibly start talking about having kids together with someone you’ve known 12 weeks. That’s batshit.

He's 38. He wants marriage and children. He's a nice guy. He knows that you are 35 - don't say you are 36 when you're not! - and that this will be on your mind. Don't let your friend spoil things now. You'd be crazy to start a family with someone you've just met. What the hell does she think you should do?

I’m going to go against the grain of most of these comments. Firstly, there’s nothing that makes me roll my eyes more than people saying ‘She’s jus jellus’ with zero evidence. You say she’s happily settled down, so why should she be jealous of your budding relationship? Or be attempting to sabotage it? She might be being clumsy and annoying, but have you often spoken to her about wanting children? She’s not wrong that you don’t have years to mess around at 36.

Yes yes, there’s always loads of anecdata on these threads one way or another - of 38 year olds (like me, in fact) who went through premature menopause and couldn’t have more children or people who had 3 kids in their 40s. But realistically your fertility will be starting to decline now and the only way to find out to what extent is to have your AMH/ovarian reserve tested. I’d do that, rather than dismiss your friend as jealous or bitchy.

Thing is, OP. Your friend is both right and wrong.

She is right in the facts of fertility. The ‘you can have it all’ narrative has made many women miss their fertility window. Yes - there are lucky ones who manage in early 40s, but there are many more who struggle in late 30s with conception.
So - there is time pressure.

But she is wrong in suggesting that you push him on it now. Your fertility timeline is your own. He, as a man, isn’t affected by it. And it’s way too early in the relationship to make it something he would care about. Most likely it’ll push him away. As happens with so many relationships of women in the latter part of fertility curve.

What can you do now - given all the challenges and constraints?

I’d definitely try to gain some control over it yourself. As others suggested - at the very least - do a checkup and find out the state of your fertility - egg supply.
And if you can afford it - freeze the eggs. It will buy you more time to see how the relationship going.

@CaraherEIL - Perfectly worded.

I think your 'friend' is trying to ruin things for you - please do not follow her advice.

Your friend is right of course. I don't necessarily think she's being mean or jealous - maybe she's just blunt. You could ask her not to talk about it with you. You probably feel a bit over sensitive to the issue. When I was trying to conceive I had all sorts of hurtful comments made completely unintentionally, like 'don't you want a family?'

Fertility does decline with age and just because there are women who do have babies in their 40s, doesn't necessarily mean you will be able to. I was 33 when I started trying to conceive and 34 when a test showed my egg quality was declining. I had no expectation of having issues at 33 due to a previous accidental pregnancy.

I have heard that women cannot generally conceive within 10 years of menopause. Of course, you don't know when that will happen. Mine was at 46 which explains why my egg quality was declining at 34.

A fertility check sounds like a good idea which could well give you some peace of mind.

Also agree that checking you and your bf share basic life goals relatively early is a good thing. A cousin of a friend of mine formed an online relationship with a guy in the US aged 38, went out there, married him and had a baby very quickly as she felt she had no time to waste. It worked out but maybe not something others should try!

Is her marriage happy? Because she sounds jealous.

However I was in your position a long time ago and wasted my last fertile years with a man who said he wanted a family and I took his word for it and in the end he cheated and I was too old to start over. So so don’t take it too slowly, actions speak louder than words so make sure he’s taking some sort of action towards wanting the same things as you do.

Fertility declines from age 30. By 35 that decline happens rapidly and at 40 chances of conceiving is slim despite all the anecdotal stories. Your friend knows how important it is to you to have a family and that is perhaps why she is anxious. I actually agree that at your age you don't have time to namby pamby around the topic. 40 is not the new 35, lifestyle doesn't trump biology.

The relationship is far too new to making firm plans, but I'm sick of the anecdotes of women having healthy children in their 40's. Yes, of course it can happen, but there are many more than have endured fertility issues and MC's over 35.

I started TTC age 32, high egg reserve for my age and no fertility issues found. I've TTC 11yrs now. 3 mc's and 2 rounds of IVF! It doesn't always happen, even when starting in your 30's!

@user64325

Fertility declines from age 30. By 35 that decline happens rapidly and at 40 chances of conceiving is slim despite all the anecdotal stories. Your friend knows how important it is to you to have a family and that is perhaps why she is anxious. I actually agree that at your age you don't have time to namby pamby around the topic. 40 is not the new 35, lifestyle doesn't trump biology.

This is simply not true. A vast majority of women can have a child at 40. OP, don't let uniformed comments like these and from your friend pressure you into rushing things. I met my partner at 36, agreed we'd like a child one day and am not pregnant at 39. In my friend group all first time mums are 35+

@NoNobramma

Honestly? At your ages I think you could speed things up a little and revisit the initial conversation you’ve had about marriage and kids. Being realistic you don’t have as long as a couple in your twenties and if you’re not on the same page then you’re best to know now. But if you are, you will know that you’re looking at being together and get a rough timeline for yourselves. Fwiw I was 29 but had two children so needed to know my relationship would be serious so I was very upfront right from the start. We were married within the year and still going strong 14 years later. When you know, you know. No point waiting around!

Yes,this. @hildar Most likely your friend is just concerned that you might be being strung along and for you to be more assertive, since she presumably knows how important having a family is for you. Perhaps she's seen that you previously pick the wrong sorts of men/commitphobes so is trying to look out for you. I very much doubt she's being cruel or jealous as many posters are suggesting. She already has a marriage/family set up and has already lived your single life so not sure what she would be jealous of...

She's right. You don't have much time since you're not starting to conceive right now at age 36 (which is already somewhat late) - you still have to go through the process of relationship, marriage etc. so realistically you'd only start conceiving later in your 30s at the earliest (and that's assuming this relationship works out).

These are your last fertile years as a woman so you need to be extremely careful not to waste it on the wrong man. No such time pressure exists for him so he'll be very relaxed since he knows he can have kids with another woman in the future . Therefore you knowing he wants marriage and kids in principle is actually quite meaningless (most men want this at some point anyway with the right woman, and for those who don't, some are happy to lie about it to other women in order to get convenient sex). You need to know fairly soon if he wants marriage/kids with YOU. Don't live with him until you're married either.

Be aware that since it's mumsnet the responses you get here will be naturally skewed towards the women who were able to conceive rather than the many who were not.

I would definitely ask him. If you're 36 and you are absolutely set on having children the fact is, you don't have endless amounts of time left, so I would want to know his feelings on the matter so I didn't waste my time.
People on MN like to pretend there is no limit to the age you can have children, but most of the time, in real life that's just not the way it works

I think after 4 months its too early to say anything. You are 35 still… by the time you are 36 you’ll have been together 9 months or so. I met DP at 36 and had a baby at 38 so it is possible… (however I would get hormone levels checked out meantime just to be sure they are ok).

I dont think your friend is much of a friend…