How worried would you be at this age? friend comment worried me

[hildar]

I’m 36 in October and I am in a 4 month long relationship with someone I really click with. It’s been a slow pace, didn’t have sex until a week ago for example. But he makes me feel like the world is lit up again! Quite soppy I know. We have talked about marriage and kids and he said from the start that’s what he wants. We’ve never said we want that together and obviously we have only just started a relationship so it isn’t a topic for now. He’s 38 if that matters!

Speaking to a friend last night who was going on and on about how old I am and said I really needed to start having chats with him about a having family ASAP. I really want this and she knows it but I felt it was almost said in a way to put me down...she is settled and there’s been a few comments about my age in the past which have upset me. Anyway, regardless of her intention it’s really panicked me.

My question is, if you don’t want kids alone (I know it’s an option it’s just not for me), how worried would you be now? I think about it all the time and have since I was 30, just never met the right person, but I don’t want to rush things with this man. I also want us to be more established and that can’t happen immediately. How worried would you be about age?

I am finding it hard to relax and see how things go and I don’t want to ruin the relationship in the process.

I agree with your whole post @FrozenCucumberPresse except for the fertility MOT bit. It might tell her she needs to get a move on, that she doesn't need to worry right now or that actually she won't be able to conceive without help.

Knowledge is power.

@justanotherneighinparadise

This is her way of subtly taking the shine off your happiness. She’s jealous.

This with bells on. She's ain't your mate.

Just reading through this thread again and this comment from @DateXY should honestly be stickied.

She's right. You don't have much time since you're not starting to conceive right now at age 36 (which is already somewhat late) - you still have to go through the process of relationship, marriage etc. so realistically you'd only start conceiving later in your 30s at the earliest (and that's assuming this relationship works out).

These are your last fertile years as a woman so you need to be extremely careful not to waste it on the wrong man. No such time pressure exists for him so he'll be very relaxed since he knows he can have kids with another woman in the future . Therefore you knowing he wants marriage and kids in principle is actually quite meaningless (most men want this at some point anyway with the right woman, and for those who don't, some are happy to lie about it to other women in order to get convenient sex). You need to know fairly soon if he wants marriage/kids with YOU. Don't live with him until you're married either.

These are precious years OP. You owe it to yourself to make sure you’re not spending them on someone who isn’t worth it.

Fertility doesn't decline for women until they are 40.
Even then, abortions have risen in women in their 40s cos of all this nonsense about fertility dying once you reach 40, meaning women get lax about contraceptoin.

I conceived mine naturally at 39 and 42.

@Clymene

I agree with your whole post *@FrozenCucumberPresse* except for the fertility MOT bit. It might tell her she needs to get a move on, that she doesn't need to worry right now or that actually she won't be able to conceive without help.

Knowledge is power.

Hmm yeah, you’re probably right. I’m more concerned about the fact that a good outcome from those can often lead to a false sense of security that it will be okay, so let’s wait longer. I guess if someone understands it’s in no way an indication that they will be able to have a baby but more of an opportunity to rule out known issues it screens for then that’s okay.

@breathhold

Fertility doesn't decline for women until they are 40. Even then, abortions have risen in women in their 40s cos of all this nonsense about fertility dying once you reach 40, meaning women get lax about contraceptoin.

I conceived mine naturally at 39 and 42.

Anecdote isn’t data. You’ve clearly been getting info from unreliable sources. Some info from the British Fertility Society:

www.britishfertilitysociety.org.uk/fei/at-what-age-does-fertility-begin-to-decrease/

“On average there is a decline in female fertility starting in the mid-thirties, with lower fertility especially after the age of 35. Women’s fertility will continue to decrease every year, whether or not she is healthy and fit because the number and quality of the eggs decreases with age. Even if a woman is not ovulating (for example if she is taking the contraceptive pill, or is pregnant), the number of eggs continues to decline at the same rate. How quick a woman’s fertility declines will depend on a combination of genetic and lifestyle (e.g. smoking) factors.”

Well that’s one way to make him run for the hills! Just let it evolve naturally, adding pressure like that to a new relationship won’t help it accelerate faster it’ll just take it off the rails. If you both (you & he not interfering, tactless and overinvested friend..) decide at any point you want to commit to spending the rest of your lives together & having children then go for it, you do have time left & despite pp’s suggesting it’s anecdotal it’s worth looking at the ONS website - around 20% of first time Mums are 35-39 (with another 7% being over 40) so that means a quarter at least are older than you OP - hardly last chance saloon & definitely not worth risking a fledgling relationship out of fear to rush into it because of something ignorant a pushy friend said!

You only just slept together recently for the first time. It would be OTT to start talking marriage and babies in a serious sense right away.

But of course it is a big concern for you and yes you have possibly past your peak fertility so should be mindful not to waste time. But this is so new. Have fun, enjoy the next few months. See if you actually like him or if it's your ovaries talking. And then have a discussion.

I had a baby at nearly 37, only few months after meeting my now Dh. I was prepared to be a single mum but I want dc. I had the conversation about my timescales at about date 5. Said I wanted a child that year , he wasn’t sure ! I said ok have a think and come back to me. I didn’t mean to pressure but you haven’t got all the time in the world at 36. By 38 I had mc after mc and can’t hold a pregnancy. You just don’t know what fertility problems you might encounter. Just because some women have kids in their 40s, a lot can’t. I just want to be honest with you. Men don’t have a biological clock and don’t often understand the hurry. I was honest with dh and he realised he could see me in his future and took a leap of faith. Yes, we both could have made a major error not knowing each other as well, or I could have scared him off. We both took a risk and thank goodness we did as now have a wonderful ds, a happy marriage and I hope we grow older together.
With the right person, I really think it’s ok to have a conversation and set some timescales. As you enter late 30s you don’t have the luxury of playing it cool

Alternatively, get a fertility check up and look into egg freezing. This can take some of the panic out of it

I think you are right to focus on the relationship, ignore your fears and your friend's fears. If you are going to have dc with this man, I think it best to get to know his character and personality first, work out the sort of father and partner he'd be, and while you are doing that, have fun and enjoy the ride. You can always put something in your diary for 9 months' time, to see what you think then. Tell your friend you can't rush into something without knowing the guy well first, and you need time to get to know him without her stressing you out about it!

FrozenCucumberPresse

Anecdote isn’t data. You’ve clearly been getting info from unreliable sources. Some info from the British Fertility Society:

www.britishfertilitysociety.org.uk/fei/at-what-age-does-fertility-begin-to-decrease/

“On average there is a decline in female fertility starting in the mid-thirties, with lower fertility especially after the age of 35. Women’s fertility will continue to decrease every year, whether or not she is healthy and fit because the number and quality of the eggs decreases with age. Even if a woman is not ovulating (for example if she is taking the contraceptive pill, or is pregnant), the number of eggs continues to decline at the same rate. How quick a woman’s fertility declines will depend on a combination of genetic and lifestyle (e.g. smoking) factors.”

Hm, that seems to be from just one study. This article goes into a lot more detail (and is a bit more reassuring).
www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/

I met DH at a similar age. We started ttc a year later and I had DD after 4 years ttc and a little help along the way. It is definitely harder post 35 for many women ( not all) but I wasn’t the oldest mum on the postnatal ward, and in my baby group at least half of the mums if not more are 38+

If this guy makes you happy and feels like a keeper then enjoy it. Ignore your friend. Let things develop at a natural pace with but with an awareness that you don’t have endless amounts of time either I guess.

I moved in with DH after a year and we had a conversation of ‘you know how we both want children and you know how I’m 36, we probably need to get moving on that quicker than we might have been able to if we’d met in our 20s’. It felt easy and comfortable to have that conversation and if this guy is the right guy for you then you’ll be able to have the same one in time - you haven’t got forever to be coy no, but you don’t need to pin him down tomorrow either. Have a bit of faith in your own relationship and own judgement and tune this friend out - she doesn’t sound particularly supportive.

I also stupidly left it till we’d been trying over a year before going to the doctor - if you’re over 35 the doctor will see/ refer you once you’ve been trying 6 months, so just something to bear in mind.

Personally if this was me I’d already be worried. If it’s important to you I don’t think your friend has done any harm, it’s obviously got you thinking. Your age already puts you at advanced maternal age medically.

Just because it’s common now to have children in your 40s it doesn’t make it the right thing to do in your/ your potential child’s best interests.
Besides the heightened risks in pregnancy/birth there’s genetic factors to consider too such as chromosomal issues and the risk of cancers etc for your child.

I got together with DH at 42. We discussed kids within a month because if we wanted them it was now or never. We already have 4 between us so decided against.

I think it's almost never too soon to have that conversation.

You do not stress. First you find a good partner, potentially a good father and if things flow you start a family.

I would pay zero attention to your toxic friend. If you feel put down it is not a good friendship. How rude making you feel like that. With friends like that who wants enemies.

Hope your boyfriend is the one and all goes well.

She may be jealous, she may not be a good friend, but what she is saying is biologically true. If you want biological children you need to get on with it as your fertility is already declining. I was married at 31 and already had reduced fertility and never managed to conceive tho we did adopt. You may be lucky, but you may not be - time is not your friend.

OP,

He sounds nice.
You are getting good advice above that you can have conversations about what you want for your future by the time you are together 9 months.

Get your levels checked out.
Information is power.

As for that cow of a friend who is definitely trying to take the shine off your joy, be wary.

Dear friends don't upset each other like that.

Stop sharing so much with her.

Infact step back.
She is winding you up.
Her stressing you changes nothing, so stop giving her information to hurt you with.

I think people are being unfair to your friend. She knows it’s important to you to have kids and doesn’t want you to waste time with this man if he’s not on the same page. Simple as that

OP,
I agree almost entirely with @DateXY and there is a lot of truth in the way men will talk very generally about non specific plans for the future to retain a convenient sexual relationship.

However I think your guy has been seeing you for nearly 4 months before you slept together so he seems as if he is very interested in getting to know you and build a real relationship before progressing things together which I think is a very good sign.

Yes these years of your fertility are very precious but worrying about that too much could strangle the possibility of a great blossoming relationship that could bring you all the things you want for the future.

As with everything it is about balance. Get your fertility MOT, plan a conversation with your guy in 6 months or so. Enjoy the lovely honeymoon period you have now.

Four months in I wouldn’t even be thinking about children. It’s no where near long enough to know someone let alone make such a huge commitment with.

@Clymene that’s the success rate per egg though, the HFEA states that the overall success rate (live birth) per IVF treatment using frozen eggs is 19%. Still not amazing but it would mean that if OP isn’t in a position to try naturally for a few years, and trying naturally doesn’t work, then she would have the option to see if her younger eggs might result in success. I also understand success rates may be better from eggs frozen now as they tend to be frozen using the vitrification process now and have a better thaw rate than those which were frozen using the slow freeze method in the past.

It’s still expensive and invasive with no guarantees but it might be the right choice for some.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/health-51463488.amp

Your friend sounds worried about you, she wants you to have the family you've always dreamed about.

As for your current relationship, I believe it's too early to pushing things too much. You could pick up the pace a bit, but try to enjoy what you have now. As your relationship progresses, the conversation about when to start your family will come organically.

The truth is that you are already in Geriatric pregnancy territory. I think a lot of people focus on what is possible rather than what is probable. That's great that some people are giving anecdotes of it working out for them but it there are no guarantees that it will work out for you the same way.

Start taking action whether that means talking to the man or freezing some eggs I don't know. What I do know is that if you do nothing but just hope it works out and it doesn't then that is pretty much it.