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Original poster

What would you do if your DP said this?

77 replies

bankholidaydream · 13/05/2021 16:38

I see DP weekly. On a few occasions we will meet in the week but in the last (almost) year I would say that’s happened maybe 10 times.

Last weekend he said he was maxed out this coming weekend with work stuff (he’s doing an online course outside of work that he needs to complete for a promotion). He can’t always do this in the evenings as he works late. Fair enough... I suggested just meeting for a takeaway one evening over the weekend, or alternatively staying Sunday night. He said he didn’t know as he wouldn’t know how long the work would take...I’ve not bothered to ask again as I assume he would say if he suddenly managed to fit me in Sad

I know one weekend isn’t necessarily a big deal but the weekend after he is in London with friends so we won’t see each other. It’s been in the calendar for ages.

Basically if we don’t meet this weekend it will be 3 weeks apart. We only live 40 miles apart.

I feel irritated and shit about it. What’s annoying is that I love him to pieces and when together or chatting on the phone it’s a great relationship. We are very close and laugh a lot.

This has made me feel shit. I even offered to come over one evening after work and he’s hesitant about that as he says he will finish work late and it’s far for me to drive at 8pm etc etc.

I don’t want to lose him but this has really bothered me. Am I blowing this out of proportion? We are both well into 30s in professional jobs, I feel like a bit on the side sometimes. I know I’m not but it feels that way. Just not sure what to think, he assures me he wants this and shows me that all the time when together.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 13/05/2021 16:41

Sounds to me like he’s not that into the relationship.

MayIDestroyYou · 13/05/2021 16:42

How long have you been together?

It does slightly sound as if you're being de-prioritised ...

DinosaurDiana · 13/05/2021 16:43

Where is this relationship going ?
Do you plan to live together/marriage/ babies ?

RedRocketGirl · 13/05/2021 16:44

He's just not that into you. Sorry.
It sucks. Flowers

LivingDeadGirlUK · 13/05/2021 16:44

Agree with PP, hes not that into the relationship. How long you been seeing him?

thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 13/05/2021 16:50

Yep I have to agree with people. I recognise those signs from past experiences and it doesn’t sound like he’s that into the relationship. I would have it out with him or move on!

Original poster
bankholidaydream · 13/05/2021 16:50

Thanks for replies. Seeing each other almost a year though the first few months it was intermittent because of covid, though we always stayed in touch phone etc. Seen each other regularly for around 8 of these months.

We’ve talked about the future in general terms and want the same things. He keeps saying he needs to get this course done alongside his job for the promotion. This is true, he does need to. But for fucks sake, we can get a takeaway in between all that surely?!

I had it out with him last weekend, said it wasn’t ok, I don’t want 3 weeks apart and if he did then clearly we weren’t on the same page. He burst into tears said he didn’t want to lose me and that he was in a really difficult patch with work and that this course was huge pressure alongside his actual job....

This made me think ok he does care he does love me.

But then I reflect and this for fucks sake not even a takeaway in 3 weeks???!

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 13/05/2021 16:52

Well he's not making a huge effort but we can't really tell you why.
How long have you been together?

Unanananana · 13/05/2021 16:52

Put him in the bin. You are worth more than the crumbs he throws you.

Sakurami · 13/05/2021 16:55

Hey op. I've been where he is and worked then studied into the night. If you come over then it's hard to get back to studying and he would probably not do it.

It's only 3 weeks. When does his course finish?

Whatwouldscullydo · 13/05/2021 16:58

You aren't a priority and it sounds like it's fizzled out somewhat. I'd call it a day tbh

And maybe find someone closer to home with a less crazy schedule

Original poster
bankholidaydream · 13/05/2021 17:00

@Sakurami that’s what he says.

He says he sees me at every opportunity, which is true, when I turn up he is usually mid washing or hoovering etc as he doesn’t have time in the week.

I know he’s busy but surely a pizza one night in three weeks is pretty basic. Maybe it’s true he’s just not actually that arsed. Strange reaction when I nearly ended last weekend but I guess that doesn’t mean he’s necessarily that bothered. I don’t know it’s shit

OP posts:
Tomyoneandonly · 13/05/2021 17:02

How sure are you that he isn't married? Sounds to me that you are the ow and he is working on his wife. I would stay away. NOT EVEN A TAKEAWAY. If he was remotely interested he would say yes. Have you both had dinner together before? Has he stayed over ? Lots of things may point to the fact that you may not be the only woman in his life. Like what's stopping you spending time with him while his studying?

Sakurami · 13/05/2021 17:04

Well I'll just say that last year I was doing a course had just onboarded a new client and had some child related stuff to do too. I would have loved to spend time with my bf but didn't have any. I snacked rather than ate and I really appreciated my bf not pressuring me about it.

Not saying that is the case with you, but just pointing out that it isn't necessarily a case of lack of interest.

seensome · 13/05/2021 17:06

I wouldn't stop bothering tbh, wait and see how long it takes for him to ask to meet you for a change. In the meantime, start making plans for you, see friends, do hobbies, if he really wants to see you, he will make the effort. It does sound like he's not a keeper so take your focus off him.

lucy5236 · 13/05/2021 17:07

@bankholidaydream

Thanks for replies. Seeing each other almost a year though the first few months it was intermittent because of covid, though we always stayed in touch phone etc. Seen each other regularly for around 8 of these months.

We’ve talked about the future in general terms and want the same things. He keeps saying he needs to get this course done alongside his job for the promotion. This is true, he does need to. But for fucks sake, we can get a takeaway in between all that surely?!

I had it out with him last weekend, said it wasn’t ok, I don’t want 3 weeks apart and if he did then clearly we weren’t on the same page. He burst into tears said he didn’t want to lose me and that he was in a really difficult patch with work and that this course was huge pressure alongside his actual job....

This made me think ok he does care he does love me.

But then I reflect and this for fucks sake not even a takeaway in 3 weeks???!

If he was in that difficult a patch at work he wouldn't be spending a full weekend In London with friends but not have time for a take away with you. Appreciate he's really busy but he does have spare time and is choosing to spend it otherwise

Sorry OP don't mean to sound harsh Thanks

ToLiveInPeace · 13/05/2021 17:13

He sounds like he's under a huge amount of stress. Can you hang on until that improves?

CombatBarbie · 13/05/2021 17:20

If you'd said you were 2hrs apart I'd have said YABU and just hang on til hes finished the course but 40 mins.... That's a short commute for most.... I'd, perhaps wrongly, take this as rejection and that I was only good enough for when he wants me.

You know the relationship.... How long is this course going to take to complete.

Berthatydfil · 13/05/2021 17:25

Sorry but I wouldn’t call him your partner - you might say I’m splitting hairs but the term confers some kind of committed relationship /living together etc. But that doesn’t seem to be the case or does he think it’s more casual than you do?
It doesn’t sound like he is really into you.

Original poster
bankholidaydream · 13/05/2021 17:30

The friend trip has been in the calendar for a long time. I doubt he would be going if it was suddenly arranged today.

He definitely is pushed for time and the tears and upset the other day suggested to me he did care. But I can’t get out of my head that one small dinner is apparently impossible for him?! I just can’t accept it in my head. It’s making me feel very distant from him.

Poster who said I could be the OW, I see why you are saying that but it’s definitely not that.

OP posts:
Cloudfrost · 13/05/2021 17:30

I am gonna disagree with other posters and say I think you are putting too much pressure on him. If you can't go 3 weeks without seeing him then I would be worried you are too needy. Yes of course be disappointed about it, but if besides these 3 weeks he shows he wants to see you and makes times for you, then just accept that things lined up in an unfavorable way but it's just one of those things. I also think that being together only a year, which has been full of lockdown and restrictions on going out, you may not be used to him sharing his free time between his relationship and friendships.

ShroomShroom · 13/05/2021 17:31

I'm with @Sakurami though. I've had times when I've been desperately trying to get studying done and even stopping to eat has thrown me. Having someone come over, even a DP, would be such an additional pressure for me. I'm presuming that you wouldn't be in, eat and then leave so that could easily take at least 2-3 hours away from studying which could feel like a huge chunk of time. I'm also really bad company if I'm stressed!

Original poster
bankholidaydream · 13/05/2021 17:31

@ToLiveInPeace yes he asked me exactly that, please could I just hold on a bit.

I said yes. But ffs he has to eat dinner. Why not with me

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 13/05/2021 17:32

It might be the case that he doesn’t want you, but he doesn’t want anyone else to have you either.
Do you really want to put your life on hold for him, and for how long ?
If you want children, how long can you wait ?

Original poster
bankholidaydream · 13/05/2021 17:37

@DinosaurDiana I’m 36 next week. I thought this man was it. Don’t know whether to give it a few more months or not? Feel sad today

OP posts: