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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you do if your DP said this?

77 replies

bankholidaydream · 13/05/2021 16:38

I see DP weekly. On a few occasions we will meet in the week but in the last (almost) year I would say that’s happened maybe 10 times.

Last weekend he said he was maxed out this coming weekend with work stuff (he’s doing an online course outside of work that he needs to complete for a promotion). He can’t always do this in the evenings as he works late. Fair enough... I suggested just meeting for a takeaway one evening over the weekend, or alternatively staying Sunday night. He said he didn’t know as he wouldn’t know how long the work would take...I’ve not bothered to ask again as I assume he would say if he suddenly managed to fit me in

I know one weekend isn’t necessarily a big deal but the weekend after he is in London with friends so we won’t see each other. It’s been in the calendar for ages.

Basically if we don’t meet this weekend it will be 3 weeks apart. We only live 40 miles apart.

I feel irritated and shit about it. What’s annoying is that I love him to pieces and when together or chatting on the phone it’s a great relationship. We are very close and laugh a lot.

This has made me feel shit. I even offered to come over one evening after work and he’s hesitant about that as he says he will finish work late and it’s far for me to drive at 8pm etc etc.

I don’t want to lose him but this has really bothered me. Am I blowing this out of proportion? We are both well into 30s in professional jobs, I feel like a bit on the side sometimes. I know I’m not but it feels that way. Just not sure what to think, he assures me he wants this and shows me that all the time when together.

OP posts:

2bazookas · 13/05/2021 17:39

If he's working long hours AND studying hard, with a deadline, than something has to give; he hasn't got the time or energy to socialise.

Often the case for ambitious young people in demanding careers.

If you REALLY love him and are "close" you should support his efforts, and cut him some slack for a few weeks .

Anordinarymum · 13/05/2021 17:41

OP Only you can really know but if he was really 'into you' and in love with you then he should move mountains to see you ?

CaraherEIL · 13/05/2021 17:43

If this last push completes the work that he needs to do and then he is going to go and have a weekend away with his mates to let off steam I would let that play out first.

If you have already had a chat with him and he burst into tears it’s doesn’t sound to me like he is complacent more that he is overwhelmed with everything he is juggling.
If you guys do plan a future/family together at some point his promotion might end up being good news for both of you.
Is there a definite end point in sight when the course is finished/ promotion decided? He is trying to improve himself and sounds like he is not sat on his arse when you do go and see him.

If you feel outside of being hurt by the current situation that you could have a long term relationship I would be tempted to cut him some slack and be supportive short term.

If you feel his behaviour ultimately damaging the relationship then tell him you are going to take a step back and he is welcome to get in touch when he has enough free time to dedicate to a relationship.

PoTheDog · 13/05/2021 17:43

[quote bankholidaydream]@ToLiveInPeace yes he asked me exactly that, please could I just hold on a bit.

I said yes. But ffs he has to eat dinner. Why not with me[/quote]
Because he feels he will have to tidy up/clean first? (You say he's always rushing to do that as you arrive anyway, so the chances are he wouldn't feel comfortable you seeing his place in a mess yet)

And if you come over I won't be 30mins to eat a pizza and then you leave will it? It will end up being the whole evening even if you say it won't, because neither of you will want you to leave.

He sounds very busy and the course is obviously important to him. And right now, it's more important than seeing you, which is completely right in terms of what it means for his long term prospects. If you see this relationship as long term, you should be patient and support him.

PoTheDog · 13/05/2021 17:45

Also the tears sound like they could be stress related to me.

I've been there, so stressed for a period that all you can mentally cop with is getting your head down and getting the job done. Any distractions caused huge over reactions and took up so much mental headspace in terms of juggling things that I couldn't cope

billy1966 · 13/05/2021 17:47

How long is the course?

I would watch this very carefully.

For him to be too busy for 3 weeks after a year is a lot IMO.

Are you supposed to keep yourself busy until he has the great gift of time to bestow on you?

Maybe he just doesn't have time for ANY relationship.

But I would be very careful of hanging around for someone.

GroggyLegs · 13/05/2021 17:48

Hm, I'd cool it a bit over the next 3 weeks & see what he comes up with for the weekend after the London trip. Can you meet a friend or do something fun in the meantime?

You'll know in 3 weeks if hes bothered, because he'll be keen to see you & make plans. And if he's not, you've had some fun & started to focus on him less anyway.

Sorry OP, easy for me to say isn't it? But hard when you're in the situation

MindTheBumps · 13/05/2021 17:49

I think people are being a bit harsh. The London trip has been on the Cards for ages and it's clearly not good timing but if this is the first time he hasn't had time for you I think you are being overly dramatic.

When I feel really stressed the thought of seeing people just adds to that when I know I have other things to do.

Make plans with your own friends and see what happens when he gets back.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 17:51

Sorry, I think you are blowing it out of proportion. It’s only two weekends in a row that he cannot see you. One weekend to get a course done that he needs for work and one weekend planned months ago with friends. I think you are being too needy and dependent to just suggest what about a weekday evening? What about a takeaway? Have some dignity! Are you independent or not? Why can’t you support him for just a few weeks?

It’s a new relationship and really, he’s more of a boyfriend than a partner as you’re not living together. So I think you are pressuring him too much.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 13/05/2021 17:52

He's either not that into you or he's overwhelmed with work etc. Life usually isn't black and white like that, but from the info you've given I think this is either one or the other.

Give him the three weeks then see what happens. If he bounces back and everything is back to normal then it's overwhelm. If not, well, you know what to do.

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2021 17:57

It’s not just a takeaway though is it op? You want to spend the rest of the evening together. I’m one hundred percent positive you’re not suggesting going over, eating pizza and leaving thirty mins later. So why keep going on about it, when what you actually mean is you want him to spend one evening, night and morning with you.

romdowa · 13/05/2021 17:59

He is asking you to hold on for a bit but how long is a bit? Is it just these three weeks? Or will he continue to be busy after that? If It's longer term then maybe he just doesn't have time for a relationship.

Chailatteplease · 13/05/2021 18:11

I think YABU and also unfair to be putting this pressure on him. If he's burst into tears then he's feeling stressed and overwhelmed, you should be supporting him instead of being demanding. Its very selfish of you.

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2021 18:15

I also think you’re being unreasonable, but not just becayse you don’t respect the fact he needs time to do his course and job and is stressed, but becayse you keep going on about having a take away together and minimising like that’s all you want when clearly you want way more time than the thirty mins it takes to eat some pizza. You want the evening, likely the night and then the next morning.

sunnyzweibrucken · 13/05/2021 18:16

I'm with @Cloudfrost. There were times in my previous job where every quarter it was so busy i honestly never took time to eat a full meal. I would eat while working and i worked after 9 or 10 most nights. People would ask me to go to lunch or dinner or out in evenings and all I would have to say its "quarterlies" and they knew not to ask again til month end.

Even a small distraction like a BF coming over with dinner would throw me off as I know it would be longer than say 15-20 mins and all that would do is cause me to be anxious. So I say wait til he gets back from his weekend trip or whenever this busy period ends and see how he is (but i wouldn't give him more than a month or so to get it together)

sunnyzweibrucken · 13/05/2021 18:18

And I wanted to add that if 3 weeks away from him is causing you this much distress maybe you need to look further into why that is. I would only feel this way if I honestly thought someone was deliberately pulling away from me and i know the more time that has passed it would eventually fizzle out. Otherwise i think this reaction about 3 weeks is an over reaction

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2021 18:19

Do you have friends op? Any other form of socialising? Or are you reliant totally on him?

bluecarry · 13/05/2021 18:20

YABU having done the work and study nightmare. Sounds like he's very busy and stressed with it. As other posters have said you're not actually asking for half an hour to eat a meal, it will be whole evening and or night. Again, if he were to try and study after you left it would be difficult to get back into which I imagine he is anticipating. His reaction shows that he genuinely doesn't have time right now but still sounds invested in you and the relationship. It doesn't appear to be the case that he's losing interest, not that in to you etc. I would wait it out and see how things progress.

Badnessinthefolds · 13/05/2021 18:25

Another one here with some sympathy for your DP.

If he's really stressed and exhausted and has loads to do, then I think there's a difference between

taking an hour to throw a ready meal in the oven, sit on the sofa and be quiet/watch mindless TV/play candy crush and regroup (maybe still flicking through a text book) before getting back into work and
arranging for someone else to come over, agreeing what to eat, tidying round a bit/having a shower, feeling that you want them to have a nice time and stopping yourself from rambling on about the thing that's taking up your headspace, talk about what they've been doing, and then awkwardly telling them it's time to go (even though you don't want them to and you feel bad for kicking them out) etc

You said the friends' weekend is a pre arranged thing so it's just a bit unfortunate that it's clashed.

If he's doing it all the time and you're not happy then you want different things from the relationship and the writing's probably on the wall but if it's the first time it's happened/it's rare, wait until this storm has passed and talk about it. You could suggest meeting up mid week (40min doesn't seem insurmountable) or booking a long weekend together or where you see things going on the future.

Badnessinthefolds · 13/05/2021 18:27

Ah sorry, cross posted with a few people. I wasn't trying to pile on!

Countrycode · 13/05/2021 18:29

I'm on the fence. I've had to work alongside studying and now I have to parent alongside even more studying and it's so so hard to get in the zone and stay there when you're being distracted.

I gave my less than one year old baby to my mother for a full week to get my masters finished. I was more productive in that week than the previous three months combined as I was distraction free and was able to completely devote myself. So I really think you should give him a break!

Give him his space until he's reached his deadline. If he's not messing you about then he should go back to being eager to see you once the pressure's off. If you still feel he's not prioritising you after that well then you should talk to him/weigh up your options.

UghJustSoPredictable · 13/05/2021 18:43

Haven't read the whole thread but I had plans this weekend that I've had to cancel. I've got loads of work to do - deadlines and reports to write. It doesn't matter that I don't want to and it doesn't matter that I'm going to be working all weekend. That's just the way it goes sometimes.

I once date someone who didn't understand and would say things like "we can just meet for dinner" or "I can just come round for an hour" but he completely missed that it was never just dinner or an hour. It was there taken to get ready too and the travelling time or the time clearing up or the mental akd emotional energy required that I just didn't have the capacity for.

It's really not always as simple as if someone wants to see yu they'll make time for you. Sometimes there just isn't time.

mynameiscalypso · 13/05/2021 18:48

@bankholidaydream

The friend trip has been in the calendar for a long time. I doubt he would be going if it was suddenly arranged today.

He definitely is pushed for time and the tears and upset the other day suggested to me he did care. But I can’t get out of my head that one small dinner is apparently impossible for him?! I just can’t accept it in my head. It’s making me feel very distant from him.

Poster who said I could be the OW, I see why you are saying that but it’s definitely not that.

I am in a similar position to him - it's not like it's a takeaway and that's it. It's hours when he could be working/studying. That work/study doesn't go away so he'll just end up having to do it later that night or whatever. It may be that he's not that into you but I would also feel pretty stressed out if someone was badgering me to get a takeaway when I was super stressed so my knee jerk reaction would also be just to say no because it's easier that way and one less thing to worry about.

mynameiscalypso · 13/05/2021 18:50

[quote bankholidaydream]@ToLiveInPeace yes he asked me exactly that, please could I just hold on a bit.

I said yes. But ffs he has to eat dinner. Why not with me[/quote]
I eat in front of my laptop while studying. I'm shit coming.

Amotherlife · 13/05/2021 18:56

I'd say he could just be very stressed and wants to focus to get through the work, which is presumably going to be interrupted by the planned weekend with friends.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt if you really like him. Eating dinner with you would not be at all like gobbling something down quickly. I often eat my lunch whilst working and I hardly notice what I'm eating. Even if it was literally just a meal, you'd be chatting etc and it would take much longer. Besides how could he let you travel 40 minutes only to stay 30 - 60 minutes?

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