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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you do if your DP said this?

77 replies

bankholidaydream · 13/05/2021 16:38

I see DP weekly. On a few occasions we will meet in the week but in the last (almost) year I would say that’s happened maybe 10 times.

Last weekend he said he was maxed out this coming weekend with work stuff (he’s doing an online course outside of work that he needs to complete for a promotion). He can’t always do this in the evenings as he works late. Fair enough... I suggested just meeting for a takeaway one evening over the weekend, or alternatively staying Sunday night. He said he didn’t know as he wouldn’t know how long the work would take...I’ve not bothered to ask again as I assume he would say if he suddenly managed to fit me in

I know one weekend isn’t necessarily a big deal but the weekend after he is in London with friends so we won’t see each other. It’s been in the calendar for ages.

Basically if we don’t meet this weekend it will be 3 weeks apart. We only live 40 miles apart.

I feel irritated and shit about it. What’s annoying is that I love him to pieces and when together or chatting on the phone it’s a great relationship. We are very close and laugh a lot.

This has made me feel shit. I even offered to come over one evening after work and he’s hesitant about that as he says he will finish work late and it’s far for me to drive at 8pm etc etc.

I don’t want to lose him but this has really bothered me. Am I blowing this out of proportion? We are both well into 30s in professional jobs, I feel like a bit on the side sometimes. I know I’m not but it feels that way. Just not sure what to think, he assures me he wants this and shows me that all the time when together.

OP posts:

Mistressinthetulips · 13/05/2021 18:56

Agree with others, give him these three weeks and see what happens. If you live together you could eat together and get straight back to work - not like that at all in your situation. You could push him away if you can't be more understanding.
If it continues after the three weeks that's obviously different.

museumum · 13/05/2021 19:02

I may be a terrible girlfriend and wife but my now husband has definitely not always been my priority. I can’t remember exactly but I would imagine that eight months in I’d have work and study deadlines that I put ahead of seeing my dp. My dh is worse than me with work pressures. Surely part of the reason couples move in together is do they can see each other even when too busy to “see” each other.
You could turn up with a pizza and eat together but would leaving after half an hour not just make you feel worse?

CutieBear · 13/05/2021 19:35

If he loved you then he would make time to see you. He’d be excited to see you. This isn’t a relationship. This is a casual meet up sort of thing. Cut your losses and find someone else.

Chad23 · 13/05/2021 21:45

I think it's likely your DP is busy at the moment and is being honest that he would like to see you but is unable to due to his work and study commitments. I also think that you need to consider what you want in the future and whether your DP can realistically offer this. Sometimes as much as you want to be with someone it isn't the right time or set of circumstances and it causes more pain and upset to force this. If I was 36 and wanting children then I would be carefully considering what I needed from a partner and whether DP was able to offer this over the longer term.

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2021 21:47

@CutieBear

If he loved you then he would make time to see you. He’d be excited to see you. This isn’t a relationship. This is a casual meet up sort of thing. Cut your losses and find someone else.

You maybe need to check your privilege. Some people go through very difficult stressful busy periods in their lives. It’s great you can’t envisage what this man is going through but maybe worth trying to understand that not everyone has that privalage.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 22:42

@CutieBear

If he loved you then he would make time to see you. He’d be excited to see you. This isn’t a relationship. This is a casual meet up sort of thing. Cut your losses and find someone else.

Real life isn’t a romance novel. That’s not how love works.

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2021 23:56

@bankholidaydream

The friend trip has been in the calendar for a long time. I doubt he would be going if it was suddenly arranged today.

He definitely is pushed for time and the tears and upset the other day suggested to me he did care. But I can’t get out of my head that one small dinner is apparently impossible for him?! I just can’t accept it in my head. It’s making me feel very distant from him.

Poster who said I could be the OW, I see why you are saying that but it’s definitely not that.

Actually I think you’re being very U.

This is his career and future (possibly yours too) and he needs to prioritise it.

TheStoic · 14/05/2021 02:00

Stop chasing him. If he wants to see you, he will make it happen.

UghJustSoPredictable · 14/05/2021 06:09

@CutieBear

If he loved you then he would make time to see you. He’d be excited to see you. This isn’t a relationship. This is a casual meet up sort of thing. Cut your losses and find someone else.

And maybe he just has to prioritise occasionally. And maybe his work takes priority this weekend.

Honestly, some people.just have no idea how the real world works sometimes.

I can't imagine that me saying, "Sorry that I didn't meet those statutory deadlines but my boyfriend was upset that I couldn't see him this weekend because of them so I just didn't bother," at a work meeting!

UghJustSoPredictable · 14/05/2021 06:10

The world doesn't revolve around you.

Amotherlife · 14/05/2021 07:39

OP, how about imagining you were up to your eyes in work and your bf hassled you about not having time for him. Would you feel trusted and respected? Or just that he didn't understand you at all and possibly wasn't right for you after all?

If he doesn't love you, you'll find out soon enough, but don't ignore what he has told you and push him away.

SortingItOut · 14/05/2021 07:59

This is the problem when in a relationship and you usually spend every weekend together, it becomes the norm but when do other life events fit in?
Plus sometimes people just want to have sone time on their own after a manic week.

I think you are being unreasonable, its only 2 weekends you are not seeing him.

He is studying as well as working full time plus everyone needs a trip away with mates.

The after work meeting is probably too much after a long day at work and he will need time to relax and regroup.

Find yourself some hobbies and arrange things for when you're not seeing him and maybe for some weekends throughout the year. It sounds like you're relying on him for your happiness.

LouiseTrees · 14/05/2021 08:04

What would happen if you just went over there with a pizza one night ?

Palavah · 14/05/2021 08:07

I agree wirh @clouudfrost and @shroomshroom and similar.

You've never really had to negotiate balancing free time with friends and each other. He probably hasn't seen these mates all together for what, a year? And it's been booked for ages.

What else have you got going in - why nkt make plans this weekend to do things and see people you haven't seen for ages?

I'd find it enormously unattractive if a partner couldn't occupy himself without me for a couple of weeks.

BusyLizzie61 · 14/05/2021 08:12

@bankholidaydream

The friend trip has been in the calendar for a long time. I doubt he would be going if it was suddenly arranged today.

Poster who said I could be the OW, I see why you are saying that but it’s definitely not that.

But I can’t get out of my head that one small dinner is apparently impossible for him?! But it's not one small pizza is it! You'll want to chat, will interrupt his flow, perhaps when he's actually making progress. He's then obligated, regardless of what you say, to try and be sociable when he's aware he is up against it atm.

You sound like a petulant child tbh and actually if I were him and you kept pushing in these circumstances, when he's made it all quite clear he wishes to continue the relationship, then I think I'd eventually be thinking what self-centred cow who obviously only considers her needs. That may seem harsh, but he's asking for this week. It's just unfortunate that he has a weekend planned next week.

Time to either have a mature relationship or to step aside and let him find someone who will.

spotcheck · 14/05/2021 08:22

Just, give him space until all this is complete.

Are you happy with the overall progression of the relationship though?

Palavah · 14/05/2021 08:22

Also, have you asked 'how can I support you?'

TheCrowening · 14/05/2021 08:23

I think many posters here are expecting too much and that’s not helping OP.

We aren’t talking a few minutes here, you’re wanting to see him as normal for a whole evening. As he has a pre-planned weekend looming he might be on his knees trying to get stuff done - in fact, he’s clearly telling you that. If I were in his position I’d find it very hard to be pressured by a partner. It’s different if he does it all the time, but this seems like a one-off?

When I was flat out studying and working I’d often not stop at all, dinner would be a packet of crisps and a slice of bread at the laptop.

Iwantmychairback · 14/05/2021 08:32

I’d give him space for the three weeks.
When I was studying hard, I didn’t stop to make a meal, just had quick snack type meals which I ate whilst reading a text book.
I would text him morning and night to let him know I was thinking of him and missing him ( if that really is the case). If he rang me to chat, I would be there for him etc
I would, however, expect more contact from him on the weekend he is away with his friends.
After the 3 weeks are up, I would wait for him to suggest meeting up, if he doesn’t or has more excuses, then it’s goodbye time!

yogamatted · 14/05/2021 08:40

I agree with @Palavah and other posters.

Because you met during Covid you haven't had to juggle commitments and priorities yet.
Sounds like he is really busy, really stressed and that's not about you, so don't make it about you.
Be supportive so he can get his work done, make sure he enjoys his weekend in London by not laying on any guilt trips, and then take it from there.

Even if he is the one, he's not your everything, so meet up with some friends, and enjoy yourself without him.

TrueRefuge · 14/05/2021 09:59

This sounds tough. But this three week gap might be a red herring and I think it might be good to look at the bigger picture. By which I mean, he's clearly in a profession that's demanding (even without the course, often working late). How long will this course be? When he gets a promotion, there'll be even longer hours and more stress presumably? And then is it a career with an expectation of CPD - more courses alongside work?

I don't think he's necessarily deprioritising you (he seems to care and was upset that you felt sad). But it sounds like he's a very career focused person and maybe that's a value conflict: maybe you, more than him, are able to switch off and enjoy life. Him, not so much. Imagine living with him and him not being able to eat dinner with regularly. All his time off spent cleaning. Then extra crunch times where he has to do courses etc. This sounds like it has potential for "lonely in a relationship" written all over it. If you want kids, think about this very seriously.

I think your gut is telling you something. If he has said "I need to do this course, I'm hating not seeing you but I'm going to take a week off/long weekend in 4 weeks when course is done and it will be me and you that whole time and I can't wait", maybe that would be different. But I don't get the sense he's done that, so your gut is saying "This isn't right and doesn't make me happy".

Countrycode · 14/05/2021 10:11

What would happen if you just went over there with a pizza one night?

If a man did that to me after I told him I was too busy I would see it as a massive red flag. Completely over steps boundaries and is quite pushy and controlling.

dreamingbohemian · 14/05/2021 10:20

@Mistressinthetulips

Agree with others, give him these three weeks and see what happens. If you live together you could eat together and get straight back to work - not like that at all in your situation. You could push him away if you can't be more understanding. If it continues after the three weeks that's obviously different.

This exactly

RestUp · 14/05/2021 10:57

I sometimes don't see my boyfriend for 3 weeks. At the beginning of Covid it was 4 months!

Needs must sometimes and when you are not living together sometimes other things get in the way.

Possibly the difference for me is that we are late 40's / early 50's.

hilariousnamehere · 14/05/2021 11:11

Honestly if I was the boyfriend I'd feel stifled. And do not go round there with a pizza!!

I've been in the state recently that a friend suggested meeting at my favourite gardens, ten minutes away, and I cried because I just couldn't see how to fit in getting there with my overstuffed timetable of deadlines which weren't flexible. Had she been a partner I'd have been much more blunt about it and expected her to understand and support, not whinge that she's all alone.

When you're up against something or studying to a deadline, someone popping round for "just one small dinner" is a massive distraction and will take a minimum of 2-3 hours which you have to make up later on.

Cancelling your friends for your partner is always a shitty thing to do, and friend weekend has been in diary for ages.

I don't understand why people twist themselves in knots about other people when they've been very clear - he's told you he cares about you and is sad you're upset, but he is overwhelmed busy and the friend weekend is bad timing, so just see him after the friend weekend!

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