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Original poster

Would you take this as a compliment or an insult

105 replies

Sparkles556 · 12/05/2021 07:47

I’ve posted a couple of threads in the past regarding dp but I’m at the point now where I seriously need to have a long hard think about our relationship and what I want. We had this conversation last night (I’m the first person)
“My mum said it looks like I’ve lost a little bit of weight”
“Where?”
“I don’t know she didn’t say”
He didn’t say anything for a few minutes then said
“I was looking at pictures from a few years ago (we were in salou this time 3 years ago) and you’re not as fat as you were back then but you’ve got more cellulite now”
He seems to think this was a compliment but I’ve taken it as the total opposite. I have very little confidence in myself, but lately I have seemed to gain a little bit but now I’m back to having none at all after that conversation. I don’t know if I’m being sensitive and I should take it as a compliment like he says

OP posts:
ThursdayWeld · 14/05/2021 13:56

You're not "in the wrong". But neither, in my opinion, is he. You brought up the subject of your body.

If you are sensitive about your weight or figure, then imo don't mention it!

I am too, and I don't want to demand that my DH only says nice things about me because of my own insecurities. So I don't make a thing of it.

mammaohohohoh · 14/05/2021 13:56

Wouldn't not would

NotReallyFeelingIt · 14/05/2021 14:14

I can't believe there are comments defending his response. For goodness sake!

No part of what he said was a compliment. At absolute best he's rather insensitive. At worst he is a negging prick. I know which my money's on. Either way OP you don't have to put up with it if it's making you unhappy.

Notagain20 · 14/05/2021 16:13

I can't understand people defending his comments either! Could not be doing with a bloke who came out with something like that. My dp would never make me feel crap about myself. I genuinely don't get what some people put up with.

Sacreblue · 14/05/2021 16:16

@Sparkles556 it’s possible that fishing for a compliment (you) is wrong and that being snarky (him re cellulite) is wrong too

If it’s something either of you do regularly then it’s a problem because wanting a compliment now and again isn’t wrong anymore than an occasional snark, we all have bad days, but regularly fishing for compliments from someone regularly snarky is usually going to go badly.

Can you say you would like more compliments without ‘fishing’? would that lead to more snark or would your partner take that on board? Regularly seeking assurance obliquely can be annoying so breaking the cycle might be useful.

If being honest about your desire for more compliments, or at a minimum without snark, doesn’t break the cycle, then you have a compatibility issue and/or the back handed compliments are more likely to fall into a nastier category than annoyance at ‘fishing’.

Notagain20 · 14/05/2021 16:16

@mammaohohohoh

I understand why you are upset, he should try to be more tactful. But it is definitely not a reason to end a relationship? Or it would be for me...but I haven't read your other posts, I'm just going on this one.

If his comments upset you could you see this as motivation to improve your figure so you feel better about yourself? I mean that in the nicest way possible...

If your dp is an insensitive dick, who looks at photos of your holidays and sees your weight or cellulite ffs rather than a happy holiday with the woman he loves, then perhaps you should improve yourself?? Wow. Jus wow.
EmeraldShamrock · 14/05/2021 16:18

Yes a compliment on what planet.
He is just trying to hurt you by chipping away at your self esteem.
You really deserve better. Flowers

KarensChoppyBob · 14/05/2021 16:22

@ScabbyHorse

Is he an image of perfection himself? Sounds neggy. I can't stand neggy.
Neggy indeed. What a twat.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging

EmeraldShamrock · 14/05/2021 16:23

Truth and tact together are fine, truth with a side dish of snark, not so nice ime.
Agreed it is a nasty personality trait.

KarensChoppyBob · 14/05/2021 16:24

@HollowTalk

He didn’t say anything for a few minutes

That's when he was working out how to make you feel bad about yourself.

This with bells on.
Anotheruser02 · 14/05/2021 16:27

I would take that as my partner is a negging piece of shit an insult.

Orgasmagorical · 14/05/2021 16:27

@Sparkles556

Ok I’ll accept that I’m in the wrong
You're not. It's the sort of thing my abusive ex would have said. Designed to make you feel shit about yourself.

From your OP, it sounds like this is another thing to add to the list of unkind behaviour from your partner. I hope you find the strength you need for whatever you want to do Flowers

ScrambledSmegs · 14/05/2021 16:31

You're not in the wrong. He carefully constructed a back-handed compliment, designed to insult you. Sounds like he gave it a bit of thought too.

I swear there are a lot of people on here who really enjoy kicking people when they're feeling down Hmm.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/05/2021 16:35

What a strange way for him to react to what your mother said.

Original poster
Sparkles556 · 14/05/2021 16:37

I just want to add if I were looking for a compliment from him, I’d have probably said something along the lines of ‘I’ve lost weight haven’t I?” He had got in from work and asked me what I’d been up to. I told him that I’d gone round to my mums and amongst the other things we’d been chatted about, she had mentioned that I looked like I’d lost some weight. Thanks to everyone who can see where I am coming fromFlowers Thought I were going crazy for a moment!

OP posts:
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 14/05/2021 16:37

I'd make a comment about it taking him longer to get it up now than it used to but at least he lasts a bit longer now. See how he likes it. Twat.

Erolg · 14/05/2021 16:46

If you have no confidence in yourself that is on you. No one can give you confidence , that can only really and truly come from within. If he said one day you look amazing and you loved that and the next day he said you weren’t looking that great and you felt hurt . That is entirely of your making. No one and I mean no one can give another real confidence, acceptance etc. That really comes from the love and respect of yourself. If you need the validation of others then you’re doing yourself down. There is only one of you and you’re unique. It doesn’t matter what others think of you at all. Your beautiful as you are and always remember that. If you don’t like what you see in the mirror then you have the choice to change. Do things for yourself and not others. I believe in you.

clpsmum · 14/05/2021 16:54

I would've told him he's not as good in bed as he was three years ago but is definitely more boring

IJustWantSomeBees · 14/05/2021 17:29

Negging. He's gross.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/05/2021 18:19

@Erolg

If you have no confidence in yourself that is on you. No one can give you confidence , that can only really and truly come from within. If he said one day you look amazing and you loved that and the next day he said you weren’t looking that great and you felt hurt . That is entirely of your making. No one and I mean no one can give another real confidence, acceptance etc. That really comes from the love and respect of yourself. If you need the validation of others then you’re doing yourself down. There is only one of you and you’re unique. It doesn’t matter what others think of you at all. Your beautiful as you are and always remember that. If you don’t like what you see in the mirror then you have the choice to change. Do things for yourself and not others. I believe in you.
I mean that's all very nice, but what a lot of shite! Of course other people can have an impact on your self confidence, as much as you would like that bot to be the case, and its really patronising to say "it's on you".
hamstersarse · 14/05/2021 18:25

He sounds very unkind

Have you actually lost weight? And he couldn't bring himself to say something nice?

Original poster
Sparkles556 · 14/05/2021 18:31

@hamstersarse I gave birth 10 weeks ago so I’ve been wanting to lose a bit of the weight I gained during pregnancy. I’ve not actually weighed myself or anything like that yet but I’ve been eating more healthily

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 14/05/2021 18:31

OP I wonder if you've heard of 'negging'? Does it sound familiar, and does your partner do it a liot?

Negging is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need of the manipulator's approval.

People who use negging may also belittle you for voicing concerns, (such as calling you 'needy') or accuse you of attention seeking behaviors when you attempt conversation.
They may reverse concern you show in an attempt to make themselves a victim.

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/negging#insults-in-disguise

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/05/2021 18:33

It's a body shaming, negging shit thing to say to you to keep you on the hop and further erode your self-esteem.

Anotheruser02 · 14/05/2021 19:19

10 weeks PP, oh god that makes it even worse.
Well done for being even slimmer 10 weeks after delivery than you were 3 years ago. Pregnancy and young baby period is when any kind of abuse can ramp up so I hope you keep talking to your Mum and have your eyes open to these things.