Secrets of emotionally independent women...

Lunafeline · 11/05/2021 22:21

I’m no expert but I find focusing on yourself really helps. Focusing on your goals or hobbies, caring about yourself and your own happiness. The more you practice this the easier it gets. Hope this helps x

wanadu2022 · 11/05/2021 22:22

Don't invest too much emotionally into any man until you're a gf. And if you do like him and aren't sure how he feels, lay your cards on the table and ask. If he likes you, your honesty won't put him off. Because you want to be with someone who likes you for you - not a version you're pretending to be to 'get' him.

Also if someone doesn't want you, don't take it personally. It's ok to feel sad and grieve the loss but don't let it affect your self worth - it's not testament to who you are, just means you're not right for them.

UnFringed · 11/05/2021 22:26

Well for me I’ve just spent a lot of time on here and listening to every single other persons trials and tribulations of marriage/dating. Looked at what I have and what I want to do that a man could disrupt and decided fuck that for a game of soldiers!

It means I like a nice flirt as much as the next woman but if I accidentally fall into a relationship he better be an addition not extra work.

Original poster

WishStarDream · 11/05/2021 22:27

@wanadu2022 I have laid my cards out, and he doesn't seem put off, just complacent. I feel like I'm more invested than he is, and that power imbalance is something I'd love to reverse. I wish he was chasing me and making all the effort. Maybe men only do that during the chase.

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Sally2791 · 11/05/2021 22:28

Bitter experience- they really aren’t worth the effort. I can laugh at myself now, how much emotional angst I put myself through in relationships.
If a decent one pops up I may take an interest- but other bits of my life are more dependably satisfying. Invest in yourself, spend time doing what you want, don’t worry about being single.

Original poster

WishStarDream · 11/05/2021 22:30

@unfringed Absolutely, agreed. Maybe I've forgotten what new relationship angst is like. At the moment it feels like hard work second guessing how he actually feels. I think if he was telling me he loved me and making me feel very important to him I would relax more. I feel like an addition to his world, which is probably a healthy place to be, I wish I could feel the same.

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Divebar2021 · 11/05/2021 22:36

I can remember buying and avidly reading a book called The Rules. It did include a lot of game playing but one thing I did take away was “ don’t play hard to get - be hard to get.” By that I mean having a busy social life and not being in a hurry to drop plans to see your OH. This means when a friend asks you to do something not saying “ I need to check and get back to you” - making the plan.

wanadu2022 · 11/05/2021 22:36

@WishStarDream

But if he isn't making you feel secure, then maybe his communication and relationship style is just not compatible with yours? If you need someone more emotive or expressive, and he isn't, then no matter why he isn't, he's not making you happy.

You could try asking him for things that you would like. Do you know what he could do to make you feel more secure? My experience if in the early stages of dating, you're questioning whether he's into you, he's likely not. But maybe just ask him what you'd like to see more of?

Original poster

WishStarDream · 11/05/2021 22:38

@divebar2021 thanks, I'll buy that

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Cockenspiel · 11/05/2021 22:42

Either you aren’t emotionally ready for a relationship - so walk away.

Or he’s just not that into you - so walk away now.

Either way all this angst and hand wringing isn’t making you happy.

Why do you consider being single such a failure!?

You need to immediately stop analysing what you need to say next, do next, wear next, act like, organise for as a means to hold onto a relationship... It doesn’t work.

Who are you? What activities bring you joy? What are your qualities? Who are your friends? What are you career and life goals?

Can you answer all of these things without trying to reframe it around / to suit a man? Will any man do as long as there is one?

Joeblack066 · 11/05/2021 22:47

I don’t trust easily, and have a huuuuge wall around me. Been single for years now (plainly because I have DD who needs 100% of me when I’m not at work. But also because I don’t trust ‘em at all!!

Goddamnroids · 11/05/2021 22:47

I’m one of the women you speak of and oddly I just explained this to a friend yesterday. The secret is 2 fold for me. First I spent 4 years single recovering from an abusive ex husband and second I found a like minded man. We love and care for each other but are like a hobby for each other. Something to do and enjoy. We don’t need each other financially, to create a family or for a self esteem boost. We don’t have needs that require emotional support. We’re in it for fun times which isn’t all thrills and spills. Just being.

Original poster

WishStarDream · 11/05/2021 22:48

@cockenspiel thank you. I don't see single as a failure, but I hate being on my own. I feel like I need the love and affection of a relationship. I wish I didn't.

I'm probably not ready for a relationship, and maybe he isn't as into me as he should be (certainly not as into me as I am into him)...or maybe he just has the healthier boundaries and doesn't 'need' me like I seem to need someone

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Goddamnroids · 11/05/2021 22:49

Plus, I swiped right on my chap because his profile pic was him in a road bike event (he’s no kids to neglect through this oft hated hobby). I liked the fact he has his own interest and wouldn’t live in my pocket

wizzywig · 11/05/2021 22:50

Have more than 1 man on the go so you have an insurance policy

Goddamnroids · 11/05/2021 22:51

@WishStarDream what’s your prior relationship history, if you don’t mind me asking.

InterstellarDrifter · 11/05/2021 22:52

He shouldn’t need to chase you. Just to treat you well and make you feel like he wants to be with you and that you’re special to him.
It’s not about grand romantic gestures but just how he makes you feel every day.

If you feel he’s not that into you and he’s complacent, it’s because he’s not that into you and is complacent.

Just know that you deserve better.

Original poster

WishStarDream · 11/05/2021 22:57

@Goddamnroids

I’m one of the women you speak of and oddly I just explained this to a friend yesterday. The secret is 2 fold for me. First I spent 4 years single recovering from an abusive ex husband and second I found a like minded man. We love and care for each other but are like a hobby for each other. Something to do and enjoy. We don’t need each other financially, to create a family or for a self esteem boost. We don’t have needs that require emotional support. We’re in it for fun times which isn’t all thrills and spills. Just being.

That sounds perfect to me. If I had that I'd ruin it by asking where it was going and analysing every bit of contact/non contact!

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Original poster

WishStarDream · 11/05/2021 23:00

@goddamnroids my prior relationship history is a long marriage. Although even before that I've never had long periods single

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Goddamnroids · 11/05/2021 23:00

Full disclosure OP, I’m near 50, 45 when I met him so our terms of engagement were based on fun - my kid was approaching independence and I’d managed to get back in the property ladder post divorce. You may have other needs from a relationship so I can understand why you’d question where it was going x

MisContrued · 11/05/2021 23:03

@WishStarDream

How do you emotionally detatch and learn not to care as much about having a relationship, or the state of your relationship? I'm in newish relationship but I feel like he's just not as into it as he was, he denies it but I think actions speak louder than words. He makes me feel needy and insecure, so I know I need to back off to see if he steps forward. How can I do that without coming across as sulking or ending up blurting it out? Ideally I'd just learn to care less about him, but I can never play it cool with men when I want them. So if you're a chilled, emotionally independent woman who can take them or leave them...what's your secret?

I think its quite hard to detach at the start of a relationship so dont beat yourself up. Maybe keep your innermost hopes back a bit I guess as it goes without saying we all want a (good) relationship to work.

How does he make you feel needy and insecure op, that doesn't sound good.

Just be yourself, be happy, don't give up all your time and interests.

I suppose it's being light hearted, never mean.

When someone lays all their cards out...the other person could still want to go slow.

Goddamnroids · 11/05/2021 23:06

I think a good start is to break down where your need for a relationship comedy from. In my 4 years alone I was convinced love and affection was what I needed and I had a few dabbles but the idea and the reality were very different, so I ended up with the space I needed.

MindtheBelleek · 11/05/2021 23:07

Focus on yourself. Rather than worrying what he thinks of you, focus on whether you like him, if and how he suits you, what he brings to the table, whether he enhances your life. In your case, he clearly doesn’t, so I’d be moving on sharpish.

Elsbeth1 · 11/05/2021 23:45

For me I've always listened to my head
Actions speak louder than words and I would happily leave someone if they weren't giving me 100% because I can rationalise the fact that there are plenty more fish in the sea
I would of course go through the grieving process, feel the hurt etc. but logically I would also know that in time these feelings will fade

tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 11/05/2021 23:49

I am not one of those people but I have started a new visualisation technique. Whenever I want to contact someone who isn't giving me what I need I picture myself in a cake shop handing over wads of cash and getting a bag of crumbs in return. I can also alter it and imagine one day being given a really delicious cake. It sounds silly but I have found visual imagery helps