Secrets of emotionally independent women...

[WishStarDream]

How do you emotionally detatch and learn not to care as much about having a relationship, or the state of your relationship? I'm in newish relationship but I feel like he's just not as into it as he was, he denies it but I think actions speak louder than words. He makes me feel needy and insecure, so I know I need to back off to see if he steps forward. How can I do that without coming across as sulking or ending up blurting it out? Ideally I'd just learn to care less about him, but I can never play it cool with men when I want them. So if you're a chilled, emotionally independent woman who can take them or leave them...what's your secret?

maybe he just has the healthier boundaries and doesn't 'need' me like I seem to need someone

I would look at your other friendships, I treat boyfriends as friends, would I pick at every conversation? No! Would I demand where they’re going or who they’ve seen? No! That keeps the relationship real.

I don't think you're asking the right question here. Or the right people. If you want something specific from this relationship, just say it - to them!

[quote WishStarDream]@unfringed Absolutely, agreed. Maybe I've forgotten what new relationship angst is like. At the moment it feels like hard work second guessing how he actually feels. I think if he was telling me he loved me and making me feel very important to him I would relax more. I feel like an addition to his world, which is probably a healthy place to be, I wish I could feel the same.[/quote]
You're a person in your own right not an add-on to his life. Men are good at putting themselves first and getting what they want. Women should learn to do the same. If the relationship fails due to that it means it wasn't meant to be. There shouldn't be any "new relationship angst" it should be light, fun and easy at this stage. Honestly, people who bring out the worst in you aren't right for you. If you find everyone brings out the worst in you then get therapy, because there's either something wrong with your reactions to everyday things or you're repeatedly picking the wrong people.

You sound a bit confused. You talk about his actions, but then you say he doesn't tell you he loves you often. That's not actions that's words. Does he treat you with care, respect and kindness in his actions? If not, get rid. If yes, then it's down to chemistry and getting to know each others personality better as to whether or not it'll work out. There's no way to fast track that, it takes time.

How to stop focusing on him is to focus on something else. Don't drop your other friends, socialize as normal. Start new hobbies or projects just like you would if you'd never met him. Don't flutter around desperately trying to fit into his life, go and live your own life first, make time for the relationship second, don't make him your everything. If it's going to work out you'll both naturally be drawn closer and want to include each other more without any of it feeling like an effort.

You should search Alain de Botton on YouTube to learn more about your attachment style. You truly can’t meet the right kind of person until you understand yourself / why you behave the way you do in relationships. Also, it took me 34 years to realise that playing it cool actually works with men...just saying.

[quote WishStarDream]@wanadu2022 I have laid my cards out, and he doesn't seem put off, just complacent. I feel like I'm more invested than he is, and that power imbalance is something I'd love to reverse. I wish he was chasing me and making all the effort. Maybe men only do that during the chase.[/quote]
Read why men love bitches. It’s a rubbish title and I never ever read self help style books but the advice in here is spot on. Title is misleading because it’s actually more about how you feel about yourself and how you manage yourself rather than playing a game with someone. The times I’ve stuck to the principles in the book the results have been almost immediate and very effective. It’s not necessarily sustainable if you are very very invested in someone already but I really recommend you read it as it gives you a kick up your own arse about how YOU should feel about yourself. Hard to explain but basically please just read it!

@WishStarDream also, as I say it’s not necessarily sustainable but every man has chased me when I’ve stuck to the principles in the book. It isn’t a game, it’s developing boundaries and self respect and like magic people, not just men, respond differently to you. I really can’t recommend it enough.

I used to want to be like that and now I think I am! So it is time and age. I think that there is only so many times you can be hurt before you hardened your heart.

@Sally2791

Bitter experience- they really aren’t worth the effort. I can laugh at myself now, how much emotional angst I put myself through in relationships. If a decent one pops up I may take an interest- but other bits of my life are more dependably satisfying. Invest in yourself, spend time doing what you want, don’t worry about being single.

100% this.. I've been single for a lot of years & up until a couple of years ago I felt I had to have someone on the go either seeing or messaging I think I needed some male attention as validation but after my last dalliance ended leaving me very upset something changed & I'm happy single with no intention of seeking anything new.. I just find life so uncomplicated & peaceful without a man in it.

I think key for things for me is that I'd never want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't feel the same about me. So I have no drive to 'secure' anyone, or play any games.

I'm happy single and also in a variety of types of relationships and I tend to naturally match what is coming to me which makes things balanced. If someone wants something more casual and I can see that working for me then I'm there. Likewise with something more serious...but I'm clear very quickly with where I am at myself so that we can finish up if one person wants more.

But you know there are pros and cons. Being a bit more emotionally detached can appear as uninvesting. I've had exes complain that I never get jealous. Not being jealous is a good thing to me and I demonstrate my care and love in the everyday rather than a concern over losing a partner. If they go, they go, nobody can bind someone to them and I can't put on an act that is not me in a fraudulent attempt to keep someone close. Obviously I still feel a huge amount of pain if a relationship ends that I am invested in but fundamentally I know that is 'on me' ..I accept the relationship is not right and I don't bring my emotions as a tool to manipulate a relationship.

Whilst it can often lead to more 'mature' relationships they can also lack some of the intensity and giddiness that can make new relationships intoxicating.