Secrets of emotionally independent women...

[WishStarDream]

How do you emotionally detatch and learn not to care as much about having a relationship, or the state of your relationship? I'm in newish relationship but I feel like he's just not as into it as he was, he denies it but I think actions speak louder than words. He makes me feel needy and insecure, so I know I need to back off to see if he steps forward. How can I do that without coming across as sulking or ending up blurting it out? Ideally I'd just learn to care less about him, but I can never play it cool with men when I want them. So if you're a chilled, emotionally independent woman who can take them or leave them...what's your secret?

I put time and effort in to myself, I think being happy alone is healthy. Someone else can’t make you feel secure and happy, that comes from inside yourself, it creates healthy relationships when you do find someone. If someone isn’t as invested or not at all interested and you feel a little put out remind yourself of men you’ve rejected in the same way, it wasn’t personal, you just weren’t compatible.

I just visualise the hurt I might feel if they end up being a wrong un. It stops me getting too invested too soon. Also I learned that being single is in no way a failure and is actually pretty great! Also having strong boundaries, they really do keep you safe. If you are feeling crap now in your relationship please listen to your feelings & instinct. You should be feeling happy! A strong boundary is needed here to walk away when you are feeling rejected or unhappy.

I'm happy with my life and myself. I always felt that because I was pretty content, enjoying work, friends and hobbies, that I was only interested in any relationship which brought something good to my life.

It's difficult to explain, but I never worried what men thought of me, or if I was good enough. I was content with who I was and it's about mutually enjoying being with someone. If I felt that someone was not into me I was good at shrugging and thinking that's fine. plenty more fish.

I do think you have to like your own company. I've been with DH for 20 odd years, we're blissfully in love, and I still genuinely think, I love you so much. I'd probably be ok if you fucked off, though.

I love you so much. I'd probably be ok if you fucked off, though

This is the level of relationship health we should all aim for 👌🏻

I’m one of those people and always have. I’m happy on my own so anything else should be a bonus. If it’s too much hard work I’m not interested, I’m too good to be chasing and playing games so haven’t got time for that crap. If I was starting to feel insecure I’d end it because a relationship should make you feel good. I’ve been married years now and my friends don’t understand my attitude even to my husband, I’m just not an insecure person (not saying you are) and am happy with myself.

Honestly? Be single and get therapy.

I used to be like you. I’ve been in and out of intense short relationships for the last few years and as you describe, I’d analyse everything and found the anxiety of not knowing what was going on or where the relationship was headed quite paralysing. It affected my work and personal life. It made me feel physically ill. I became disproportionately devastated when things didn’t work out.

1.5 years ago I started therapy (psychodynamic, delving into your past and working out why you form attachments like you do) and the change has been phenomenal. I actually love and respect myself and feel a warmth and security from within myself. I do lots of things just for my own enjoyment and I genuinely don’t feel like anything’s missing. I understand myself so much better and know what my triggers are. I no longer particularly want a relationship! If a nice person came along and fitted into my life then sure, but I’m not actively looking. And they would have to fit into my life - I come first and that’s how things are staying. The last year of singledom and therapy has been so transformative and I wouldn’t be who I am today without it. Highly recommend.

OP you've nailed it yourself:
I feel like an addition to his world, which is probably a healthy place to be
You nailed it. He's an addition to your world not someone to fill a gap. 👍🏻

I don’t think it’s about playing games or techniques. Make yourself your priority.

He’s not treating you how you would like to be treated (which you’ve acknowledged so you’re half way there), therefore he isn’t worth your time or energy. Simple!

In my last relationship, I felt more invested than him after 3 months, asked him where we were at, BF/GF stage? I think he said we will see how it goes. That didn't impress me much, so I backed off a bit, in a subtle way, I'm quite tactile usually but if I don't get reciprocation, I'll cool off myself, get busy doing my own things. Less holding hands, spontaneous kissing, friendly but less affectionate.
Anyway, he noticed. "Why have you not done xyz lately?" Well, I said it felt like it was all me with the input, so just though I'd see if it still happened ever if I didn't instigate, to see if it would come from him. He clearly missed it. We had a further chat about whether to be exclusive or see others and it turned out we were on the same page about that, just he didn't know what to say at the time I'd asked about what we were to each other. Some guys are crap at realising they are in a good situation until you show them what they are missing. He started being as affectionate back after.
Other things put me off him later. I suppose if you are not a 'blinded by love' person, and know you are quite capable of being happy enough on your own, you notice things, and are less likely to stick at something too long if it's not right.
If someone continually makes you feel insecure, especially if you are not like that usually, they are probably not for you. Some men like to trigger jealousy, as it weirdly gives them some sort of affirmation that you must like them, I think that's messed up and don't like playing that game. There's always better out there, someone willing to give you what you want, believe in yourself, you are a good thing that deserves to be treated how you want to be.

@opentooffers Your situation is almost exactly like mine (although mine is longer than 3 months). He does want us to be exclusive, as in not see other people, but he also uses the term 'let's see where it goes'. He doesn't seem to like too much of a label on our relationship yet. What you said about the tactileness is exactly the problem. I feel like I instigate it all the time. If I back off I just end up getting annoyed about it and bringing it up, I've become a whingy, moany, needy partner which I can't blame him for being put off with. I think I need to back off and distance myself for a while without vocalising my annoyance.

I know I should probably end it, I just can't. There are more people out there, but I might not have the chemistry that I have with them. All the while I have these strong feelings for him I know walking away would just feel awful. I need to stay in this but detatch myself slowly so if he doesn't step up I can get myself to a place in my head where I don't care as much.

It just sounds like you aren't well matched. It's not about being emotionally independent but realising when you need to walk away for your own wellbeing. In my experience, things like this never end happily ever after. You need to be the one to walk away instead of trying to find tactics to make yourself less emotionally invested in someone you think isn't that into you/the relationship. Good relationships aren't meant to be like this.

@WishStarDream

You're never going to be able to ''vocalize your annoyance'' while ''distancing yourself''

You cannot do these things, because they mean focusing even more time/energy into ''trying to be something you're not'', i.e acting.

If you're always focusing on how to act/behave etc then you're simply trying to become a totally different person, which will never have a 'happy ending', will it ?

Stop trying to second guess him or analyze him ffs, just be you, because if you have to pretend to be something different, the relationship will inevitably fail.

You need to fill your time with things that make you happy. Doesn't matter whether it's painting/ running/ crafts/ seeing friends etc, whatever makes you happy (and don't exclude things which will encroach on the time you have free for him either !).

It's only when you are being true to yourself, and not pretending, that your relationships will naturally become more balanced.

Do some research into "core beliefs" (specifically negative core beliefs) - what you learnt to think about yourself when you were growing up and how to understand/challenge/change your unconscious perceptions about yourself.

If there is a good match you would not have to be asking this question. Unless you are always in this situation in relationships which means you need to be more indifferent because you would have come as intense. I had a couple of boyfriends that told me I was needy which I was because the more they did not engaged the more I wanted them too. Then I realised the problem was they were not a good match and forcing was just making me feel worse. With my more successful relationships it was always easy. However, by three months I would have been still learning to know about them and letting things flow.

Get to a point where 'i do me' is going to be true whether you are single or in a relationship. You need to be a strong independent person in order to develop a strong committed relationship. Relationships are amazing and wonderful and very important, but the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.

And when you have done all the self work, and you meet someone who has also done all that self work. And you are both ready for a relationship, then you experience the most incredible, easy flowing, electric and effortless coming together. Remember- all relationships end. All relationships end. Then what do you have if you are left single or widowed? You come back to yourself, and need those friendships you have looked after and nurtured throughout your relationship. Do don't ever let go of your female friends. I am a widow of ten months after ten years of a great relationship.

She was funny, clever, stubborn, kind, delighted in quietly helping colleagues and friends, loved matchmaking! Loved nature and animals. Our dog misses her very badly. Wore a sexy hi vis jacket and safety boots to work and always had a pen perched behind her ear. She had the best laugh ever. She was beautiful and it was a great privilege to be chosen by her to share her life. Don't settle!

I wouldn't say I'm emotionally detached at all, but I never let anyone see my emotions. I'm never the one to make the first move, very rarely the one to make contact when we're not together (which is probably more to do with having a fear of rejection. Maybe not though because I still do that with dp, even when he's working away. Think it upsets him a bit).
I basically leave all the suggestions of meeting up yo the man. That way you can tell if they are serious because they will put the effort in.
I had one who I was absolutely mad about. I let my rules slide and I would contact him, because he never contacted me, and I would get ignored most of the time. It only took a few months for me to end that, and when I I I just felt more foolish and disappointed in myself for even bothering. The embarrassment of being ignored was worse than the heartbreak. I was hardly even contacting him. Once a week tops. He was jist weird though. Still os as far as I can tell. Still lives with mummy and daddy, can't drive and doesn't really have a stable job. Not sure what I was thinking .

I think being completely happy by yourself is key. A relationship has to be an addition that enhances your life but isn't essential, not something you need to fill a lack in what is already there.

I was married for 20 years, we were together for 25. It all went to shit in the biggest way. I've been single for over 3 years now and am completely content. If I do ever have another relationship, it will be on 'icing on the cake' terms - I'm the cake, and I'm bloody great even without the icing.

He’s not right for you, sorry to sound blunt.
You sound really intense and too invested in the relationship.
Get yourself a busy life outside being in a couple. And don’t live with a man - be your own person.

If you feel like you need someone more than they need you, right from the get go. It’s time to walk away.

I’ll sound like a broken record soon

I think it’s not necessarily an either or thing - like being all detached or being all in. It sounds like you place a lot of importance on the relationship- deciding that you can’t end things because you might not get chemistry elsewhere is pretty much setting yourself up to accept whatever he throws at you and he’ll know it on some level.

Not to say he’s a wrongun but try and imagine how you’d feel if you were pretty happy in your life, and enjoyed seeing some guy and were interested to see how it went. But he was very intense, felt like you were his only option and he had to make it work and was constantly fretting and scared. Would this really be someone you’d want to pull closer to you or would it freak you out a bit and make you think he was putting a lot of pressure on the relationship and what it could do for him?

Choosing to care less or be detached really isn’t the answer. It’s not about being all meh take you or leave you, it’s about being happy in yourself and knowing that you won’t accept treatment that isn’t right for you and that you won’t trap yourself in a situation where your emotional well-being both positive and negative is so deeply impacted by one other person- who you didn’t even know existed a few months ago. That’s placing so much power outside of yourself.

From your posts, it’s easy to see that you’re not happy with the situation. He’s making you doubt him by his actions and your instincts are telling you something clear as day, yet you’re letting your emotions dictate with ‘yes, but what if.....(then some made up reason that ignores your head and gut)’

Don’t overanalyse anything because all you’re trying to do is make up reasons why he’s not what you’d hoped for. Accept he’s not what you thought he’d be and move on.

You are trying to change to make this relationship work. The motive itself is incompatible with the objective. You are not aiming at being emotionally independent (whatever that means). You are aiming at becoming the perfect partner of this man, instead of the whingy horrible person you are portraying yourself as being.
If anyone makes you feel like you describe (whingy is only one of the negative adjectives you are using) or to act in a way you don't like yourself, you should be able to detach and go. That would be what an emotionally secure person would do.
If you cannot do it, you need to work more on other aspects of yourself that are unrelated to any other man. You cannot change your personality just to fit a new relationship for no other good reason than pleasing this guy.

Op my last ex was like you, too needy and intense and we were only together 6 months. It made me run in the other direction. I'm 54 and have spent long periods of time single ( now 2 yrs single and hoping to keep it that way ) . I def don't need a man to be happy and neither should you. Work on yourself and your own life for the fulfilment you need. Any man you meet after that you want to take things further with, Will then enhance your life. You will stop second guessing yourself