Page 13 | To want to re home our 10 month old puppy...

lynsey91 · 10/05/2021 13:52

@lostlife

The dog is too old to go back to a breeder. Life in outdoor kennels would set him back on toilet training. possible anxiety from lots of other dogs

Of course he is not too old to go back to the breeder. A decent breeder will take one of their puppies back at any age.

Are you saying the breeder will have outdoor kennels? I can assure you no breeder I know has their dogs outside

lynsey91 · 10/05/2021 13:53

@ArrrMeHearties

Yes it's a shame for the dog but it's not like op is deliberately neglecting it. She has HG and is in an abusive relationship where the dog is just another stick to beat her with so all the posters being bitchy cut her some slack ffs

So why did she decide to get a puppy and have another baby?

She is 32 not 18.

angelaEhen · 10/05/2021 13:53

You and your kid should just go and stay with your dad he sounds amazing. Rehome the dog. Sending you a lot of luck and good wishes

pepsicolagirl · 10/05/2021 13:57

we have a dog the same age. I am up at 6:30am to give her a good run and some training, back at 07:30 ish to start a 10 hour shift at 8am(from home).

I usually save my breaks during the day so we can go for a little stroll or play mental stimulation games at about lunchtime

We go for another walk early evening.

My husband also works from home but wasn't keen on the idea of a dog. She is mine so I do the lions share of the work - and I want to do it! That's why I got her!!

As it is she is considered a highish maintenance breed but she is not destructive, is housetrained in all respects and has excellent recall. I must stress though that this has taken HOURS of investment. You cannot expect a puppy to be this way without putting the work in.

It seems to me that your OH has been wholly irresponsible and now you are paying the price. Can you do this for 15yrs? because that is your reality if the dogs needs remains neglected.

cashoncollection · 10/05/2021 13:58

OP you’re in an awful situation and my heart goes out to you.

Even if you’re husband does a 180 and begins to look after you, rehome the dog. Put yourself first. I found once my baby was born my previously well trained dog regressed because I simply wasn’t able to be consistent all the time as I often was preoccupied with the baby. It’s a dog, it might pine for a while but it will find a new home and bond with its new owners. Do not put a dog above your own well-being.

Personally I’d go to your dads and do whatever you need to do for your own mental health. Wishing you all the best.

Notjustanymum · 10/05/2021 14:00

You say he’s house-trained, OP, but “He chews all DS's toys, all of my underwear to shreds (he gets it out of the washing basket) he terrorises the cat, (we have to now feed the cat on the kitchen table as he eats her food) goes into the bins and rips everything up that's in then, he annoys DS and steals food from his plate, he constantly jumps up on the back of the sofa to look out of the window and bark.. when DP is away I can't even go and stay with my parents for support as he hassles their elderly dog..”. This does not sound house-trained at all!

As for “and quite simply I honestly don't have the energy or headspace”, how would you cope if your child was equally challenging through no fault of their own?

Whether you choose to get a dog or have a child, or both, you really need to just get on with it and train them/bring them up, according to your expectations. There is a lot of help out there available - sign up for some behavioural training and drag yourself to it: DH can look after DC while you’re there, and it will be easier when the hard work of pregnancy is over, and you have 2 DC and a properly trained dog.

ValerieMalone · 10/05/2021 14:09

@TwinkleToeMatilda

Dogs are for life. I can’t bloody stand people like you. Sorry if that sounds really horrible but it’s true. You should have researched before buying a dog how much hard work they are. Your dog has not been trained properly from what you have described and you saying you’re ill from pregnancy is just an excuse to try make yourself justify rehoming him. Do the poor dog a favour and re home him to a home where they have time and knowledge on caring for animals. I know what I have said sounds mean but truth does hurt I am afraid!!!

The OP is a vulnerable, ill pregnant stranger who has acknowledged her mistakes and is trying to do the right thing. She’s clearly not about to get another dog anytime soon or maybe ever. So think about why you felt compelled to repeat the SAME THINGS that have been said 100 times but in a particularly nasty way. I suspect something about the OP triggered your own anxiety, anger and regrets — and not just about dogs. This woman is in genuinely dire straits and your words were intended to make her feel worse. That says a LOT more about you than it does about her.

Laiste · 10/05/2021 14:13

He says we'll talk tonight after I've seen this mental health nurse to make a decision - but he thinks ethically I have left it too late to abort, really. I think if it wasn't for the HG I would be able to think a bit clearer. I feel like I've lost who I used to be and lost my independence. I used to be always busy, loved my little tearoom job and would be the type who loved being out. Now I'm too anxious to leave the house and my day involves sitting on the sofa, crying, trying to force down some crackers and sleep if I'm lucky.

Your appointment with the mental health nurse is today OP? That's good

This is the order of priorities for you i think:

Today's appointment. Do you want the baby? Try and answer this question at it's most basic level. Never mind what anyone else thinks or feels.

I have no axe to grind re: abortion. It is entirely your choice - but, if there is even a small part of you which says 'yes, i want the baby' then i would keep the baby. A lifetime of regret (years after the abusive husband is long gone and the dog was happily re-homed) is NOT something you want to saddle your self with OP.

The dog. Sort out a rehoming. Time it to co-inside with moving in with your dad with your son. Don't tell your husband about your plans.

Baby steps to working out a separation and divorce from husband. There's no tangle that can't be untangled. Get advice. A family solicitor will explain your rights re: the sale of the house. Husband can't just take it - even if you've moved out.

If you've got friends OP, tell them what's going on. Let your dad help.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 10/05/2021 14:14

Please rehome the dog while its still young enough to be properly trained by someone else and become a valued pet.

Definately · 10/05/2021 14:16

@GettingItOutThere

OP here is the advice.

ditch the partner, and thus with him the dog. Not your problem (i am a dog person but sorry)!

go stay with your dad, get the house sold, cut financial ties with him. Yes he will be part of your life, but keep the baby.

i would not abort after 12 weeks unless it was medical reasons

HG is a medical reason.

pepsicolagirl · 10/05/2021 14:16

@Notjustanymum

You say he’s house-trained, OP, but “He chews all DS's toys, all of my underwear to shreds (he gets it out of the washing basket) he terrorises the cat, (we have to now feed the cat on the kitchen table as he eats her food) goes into the bins and rips everything up that's in then, he annoys DS and steals food from his plate, he constantly jumps up on the back of the sofa to look out of the window and bark.. when DP is away I can't even go and stay with my parents for support as he hassles their elderly dog..”. This does not sound house-trained at all!

As for “and quite simply I honestly don't have the energy or headspace”, how would you cope if your child was equally challenging through no fault of their own?

Whether you choose to get a dog or have a child, or both, you really need to just get on with it and train them/bring them up, according to your expectations. There is a lot of help out there available - sign up for some behavioural training and drag yourself to it: DH can look after DC while you’re there, and it will be easier when the hard work of pregnancy is over, and you have 2 DC and a properly trained dog.

did you not see her say she has HG? there is no way you could drag yourself to puppy classes while dealing with that.

Her husband needs to step up or they rehome the dog. otherwise this will be another tool to abuse her with for years to come. Sorry OP if that sounds harsh but training a dog is NOT easy and you need to put yourself first - ultimately that will be in the dogs best interests

Definately · 10/05/2021 14:19

@intheloudhouse

Thanks everyone. Yes I'm currently 19+2 so by Wednesday when the abortion is booked for I will be 19+4.. I already have a bump, can feel her move etc. I feel in between a rock and a hard place. My mum has drank a lot since my sister died. I think I've seen her drunk as often as I have sober since it happened last May. She has got issues that are unresolved so she's emotionally unavailable for me really. I think she saw the baby as something positive after Dsis passed away and now she feels like I'm going to rip it away from her. I'm currently waiting to speak to a perinatal mental health nurse. DP came to visit me in hospital when I was in for 4 days last week and I thought "maybe he does care" until on the way home after I was discharged he told me what a ball ache it was to visit me to his working day and he hope no one ends up in hospital long term. Mum didn't even text me to ask how I was. Dad is my rock and has said he'll support me either way and if I have to come live with them with 2 kids he'll help me all he can (he says the dog is not coming though as I say, they have an elderly dog and it's not fair on him, or them) He says we'll talk tonight after I've seen this mental health nurse to make a decision - but he thinks ethically I have left it too late to abort, really. I think if it wasn't for the HG I would be able to think a bit clearer. I feel like I've lost who I used to be and lost my independence. I used to be always busy, loved my little tearoom job and would be the type who loved being out. Now I'm too anxious to leave the house and my day involves sitting on the sofa, crying, trying to force down some crackers and sleep if I'm lucky. I just feel like such a failure. I never imagined at 32 my life would be such a mess.

You're not a failure and you haven't made a mess of things. Your husband has let you down, he's not taking care of you and your family including the dog

Thehawki · 10/05/2021 14:20

Hey OP, I know I posted earlier telling you how to deal with your dog and why it’s acting out. However it does seem that you’re in a difficult place and it might not be right for you to have a dog. Dogs trust often allow you to keep your dog until it’s adopted (to stop being in kennels) is it worth you contacting them? Failing that, leave your unsupportive partner and he can keep the dog. I’m really glad you have your dad with you, puppy raising is hard enough without all the extras and if you can find the dog a better suited home then it’ll settle in somewhere else :) Don’t feel guilty, you had no way of knowing you’d be in this position.

LadyWhistledownsQuill · 10/05/2021 14:22

did you not see her say she has HG? there is no way you could drag yourself to puppy classes while dealing with that.

Almost all trainers will come to your house and do one to one sessions - which I think the OP would benefit from anyway.

ValerieMalone · 10/05/2021 14:22

@intheloudhouse

Thanks everyone. Yes I'm currently 19+2 so by Wednesday when the abortion is booked for I will be 19+4.. I already have a bump, can feel her move etc. I feel in between a rock and a hard place. My mum has drank a lot since my sister died. I think I've seen her drunk as often as I have sober since it happened last May. She has got issues that are unresolved so she's emotionally unavailable for me really. I think she saw the baby as something positive after Dsis passed away and now she feels like I'm going to rip it away from her. I'm currently waiting to speak to a perinatal mental health nurse. DP came to visit me in hospital when I was in for 4 days last week and I thought "maybe he does care" until on the way home after I was discharged he told me what a ball ache it was to visit me to his working day and he hope no one ends up in hospital long term. Mum didn't even text me to ask how I was. Dad is my rock and has said he'll support me either way and if I have to come live with them with 2 kids he'll help me all he can (he says the dog is not coming though as I say, they have an elderly dog and it's not fair on him, or them) He says we'll talk tonight after I've seen this mental health nurse to make a decision - but he thinks ethically I have left it too late to abort, really. I think if it wasn't for the HG I would be able to think a bit clearer. I feel like I've lost who I used to be and lost my independence. I used to be always busy, loved my little tearoom job and would be the type who loved being out. Now I'm too anxious to leave the house and my day involves sitting on the sofa, crying, trying to force down some crackers and sleep if I'm lucky. I just feel like such a failure. I never imagined at 32 my life would be such a mess.

If you end the pregnancy you don’t need to tell ANYONE that it was your choice to do so. Spontaneous miscarriages can happen at any stage of pregnancy. I’m sure your mum and dad would agree that it’s very sad to lose a baby especially when your HG was starting to improve. In this situation it’s OK to lie to protect your privacy and make your parents more comfortable with the loss.

Definately · 10/05/2021 14:22

'Meh - lots about your feelings but not much about how the poor dog must be feeling'

That'll be because it's a dog not a human.

marchishere · 10/05/2021 14:23

Oh my love you poor poor thing.

You need to put yourself and your dc first now.

You definitely can't cope with the dog as well. It's really not your fault, how could you have possibly have predicted how things would change and how hard they would be?

Your mental health is in a mess, you can't cope with the dog, you need to either rehome it or simply leave your dh and he can sort it out. It's ok that you can't cope, the dog will be fine, they'll find another loving home and be much happier than with an owner who is unable to care for it properly. Give yourself permission to let it go.

I've read so many threads on mumsnet where posters are ripped to shreds for suggesting re homing a dog but quite honestly if you can't cope you can't cope, you can't make yourself cope because a stranger on the internet says you should.

It's great that your dad is supportive, you might find that away from your unsupportive dh and the dog that you are able to cope much better - in your position I would go stay with my dad for a bit.

malificent7 · 10/05/2021 14:23

I'm a big advocate of rehoming if things aren't working out and i don't understand those who judge for rehoming. Pets who don't suit one set up will be better off elsewhere rather than being abandon.

SlothMama · 10/05/2021 14:29

Just saw your update, go and live with your Dad! Rehome or contact the breeder of your dog, if they are a good breeder they'll take them back rather than let them end up in a rescue

Whammyyammy · 10/05/2021 14:30

Another unwanted lockdown puppy that's sadly joining the ranks of many other like it.

LadyWhistledownsQuill · 10/05/2021 14:31

@LadyWhistledownsQuill

did you not see her say she has HG? there is no way you could drag yourself to puppy classes while dealing with that.

Almost all trainers will come to your house and do one to one sessions - which I think the OP would benefit from anyway.

Plus upthread I gave the OP a list of things that can be done to manage the dog's behaviour with little to no money, little effort, and little to no skill. Things like closing the curtains to stop the dog barking at passersby and keeping the child's toys out of dog's reach.

There's no evidence she's even read my post (or others with similar themes), let alone actioned anything very simple.

TheSoapyFrog · 10/05/2021 14:33

OP I really think you should go to your dad's. I'm sure he would rather you were there and safe and he could look after you as best he can. Your partner is an absolute waste of space and you and your children deserve much better than him. If he wants to keep the puppy, let him keep the puppy, you need to focus on yourself right now.
As for the abortion, please think carefully. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like it's really something you want.

viagrafalls · 10/05/2021 14:33

Poor dog. Badly thought out decision OP. Hope you can rehome him.

Streamside · 10/05/2021 14:35

Another poor lockdown puppy, get your husband to commit to exercising and training him or give him to a really good rehoming shelter along with a generous donation. My local shelter is penniless and struggling to cope but people just leave their lockdown animals with them as if it's a tremendous gift for them.

MondayYogurt · 10/05/2021 14:35

You're right, it is all linked. The dog and the pregnancy seem like desperate acts of hope. I think you were hoping that the love you don't receive from your partner could be replaced with other things.

But it can't. And you know that now.