To want to re home our 10 month old puppy...

[intheloudhouse]

We got a cockapoo last summer. He's a nice natured dog and house trained quite easily but he just causes me so much stress.

I have a very active 4 year old and I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with HG so most days moving from the sofa is an effort at the moment.

He chews all DS's toys, all of my underwear to shreds (he gets it out of the washing basket) he terrorises the cat, (we have to now feed the cat on the kitchen table as he eats her food) goes into the bins and rips everything up that's in then, he annoys DS and steals food from his plate, he constantly jumps up on the back of the sofa to look out of the window and bark.. when DP is away I can't even go and stay with my parents for support as he hassles their elderly dog.. and quite simply I honestly don't have the energy or headspace to be able to give him the love and attention he needs at the moment with me being so unwell and then obviously I'll have a baby too in 5 months.

DP will not have any of it that I want to rehome him. He says he would rather get rid of me first. But it's me that's left with him while he goes out to work or for meals or days out with his friends on a weekend!

I just don't know what to do.

Message from MNHQ - please do read all the OP's posts before commenting as there is more to this thread than initially appears and the OP is in need of support. Thank you.

it’s really not hard to empathise in this situation, if you’ve read the full thread
I do feel sorry for OP, but also so frustrated with the number of people getting a puppy, often as a mean to entertainment for their young kids and then complain they are hard work and not the convenient entertainment they’d hoped for. The puppy doesn’t receive the training and attention they deserve, hence their behaviour getting worse and they are made to be the problem rather than the owner.

There is so much information available nowadays to inform wanting to be pet owners, there is little excuse.

I do however appreciate that OP is in a very unsettled situation and hope things get better for them.

Just read all the comments. I commented only after reading OP’s. I do feel for you but I do still stand by that you should have looked into buying a dog more before actually getting one. I am totally against people giving up on animals just because it gets hard. However, with everything else you have going on I do hope it all gets sorted. Doesn’t seem healthy at all. Good luck to you.

I’ve also posted before seeing your updates regarding your relationship and potential abortion.
I’m sorry your going through this, maybe leaving your partner and leaving him with the dog is the best option.
If it’s my previous advice, there’s clearly
More to it than a training issue x

I mean a walk several times a day!

Just wanted to send you a lot of love and support OP ❤️

Your dog is bored and badly trained. You need to invest in a daily dog walker/trainer to support you while you are unwell with HG and in the early newborn days. He is a loving thing with feelings, it’s not the dogs fault your husband is lazy and unhelpful.

If it helps at all, I have a dog and really struggled while I was pregnant but when the baby arrived getting out for a morning walk with the buggy was brilliant. My baby learned to sleep in the pram really well and the dog was then tired out so we had a peaceful rest of the day.

If you absolutely cannot see this working then please re-home him carefully and think very seriously before getting any other type of pet.

The dog is too old to go back to a breeder. Life in outdoor kennels would set him back on toilet training. possible anxiety from lots of other dogs

OP, please go to your dad’s place and get some support for your mental health.

You’re currently living in a crisis situation and you need real life support not more posters jumping on the bandwagon to berate you for getting a puppy 6 months ago. FWIW, we have a 3 year old dog who on paper is perfect, but I’m still not smitten. I definitely won’t get another dog when he’s gone as I realise they’re far too much of a tie.

Look after yourself OP

OP I've had many dogs and all have had great lives and been good companions. When I met OH he had just bought a Cocker Spaniel. OH has also had many dogs and we now have 4 between us that are all very well behaved and extremely good companions.

But the Cocker ...

She was an awful dog and did all the things you mention and more including howling, ripping up all post , peeing abs pooping anywhere eating expensive shoes and coats , causing £2k damage to the house when left for 2 hours (broke out of kitchen , shredded carpet in hall and stairs , chewed wood work etc)

She was rarely left and well exercised . We nearly re homed her several times.

However , at 3 she did turn around and is now a lovely dog - lots of people say cockers are especially hard work when young and yours is part cocker. Ours was a lot better after she had been neutered have you done this?

If you can persevere and get help maybe a Walker as others have suggested he may well turn out to be a lovely dog but I do understand with this breed sometimes training falls on deaf ears .

My thoughts are with you !

Your dog is bored and so should be rehomed. Destructive behaviour usually only occurs in bored and frustrated dogs. They are intelligent and need enrichment and tasks and with a baby en route I can imagine the dog will suffer even more. You have a very popular breed so I doubt there will be an issue finding the right family with time and experience.

You also have a husband who is an arsehole

Really sorry op, you are in an awful situation. I bet your dh is telling you that because he stumped up the cash, he has final say on keeping the dog.

Could you donate it to a charity and ask your Dad if he'd give you some cash so that you could pretend to DH you'd sold it?

Ultimately though, your dh is abusive and you really need to end the relationship.

I think it’s foolish to advise a woman in a domestically abusive situation to rehome the dog when her partner is out. He could get really nasty.

I think you’re getting a hard time @intheloudhouse. I had HG twice and the first time it was a huge shock. Things that I had taken for granted were impossible. I had it the full 9 months both times and by the logic of the way some people are going on here I should never have gotten pregnant with DD2 because I had such a hard time taking care of DD1 during my second pregnancy. You didn’t even know how bad morning sickness can get so you couldn’t have foreseen how hard taking care of the dog would be when most likely didn’t even know HG was a thing.

It would be better for you to rehome the dog and kinder on the dog in the long run.

Maybe my sympathy is easier given to you because I had HG or because I’m not much of a dog lover but either way, I don’t think you need to be feeling bad about this on top of how miserable you likely are right now.

Dog aside, are you getting help for your HG? There are things that can take the edge off. Drugs didn’t cure me but they made things bearable. If your GP isn’t helpful or you’re concerned they might not be it would be worth doing some research. There are a long running series of very helpful HG support threads on Mumsnet (that’s the current one) with lots of very knowledgable ladies on who can guide you on what to ask for.

Good luck both with the dog and the pregnancy. Keep on keeping on.

Yes it's a shame for the dog but it's not like op is deliberately neglecting it. She has HG and is in an abusive relationship where the dog is just another stick to beat her with so all the posters being bitchy cut her some slack ffs

@intheloudhouse

I wasn't pregnant when we got the puppy and I obviously didn't expect to be so unwell with a pregnancy as I didn't have any problems with my first. It's my fault I wanted the dog and DP had the final say and agreed as he paid. It's the biggest mistake I've ever made. DP is doing nothing for him, he will walk him a few times a week but that's it. He's not focusing on training or anything. If I could've looked into the future I would never have got him

He paid for the dog, you didn't. If you go and rehome the dog, you may have no legal basis to have done so.

I'm not going to get started on the fact that you purchased a puppy, but whatever you do, you have a moral duty to ensure the poor thing ends up in a good home. Do your research on pre-homing checks and charities, and never ever free to good home.

Ultimately you need to end the relationship.

He can't kick you out anymore than you can kick him out.

I would have a heart to heart with your Mum and admit you have made a complete cock up of everything and she is/was right.

Do you want to continue the pregnancy and become a single parent to 2 DC?

I would speak to a local dog rescue and be brutally honest about the situation they may have someone that can foster the dog for a while and you drop it off whilst he's away at his fucking professional paint balling for the weekend.

Do I end the pregnancy, the relationship and leave him with the dog? And try to rebuild my life with probably a lot of counselling?

Honestly, from the outside looking in, I feel like this would be best for you all.

Please call the Samaritans if you are feeling suicidal www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

10 month old means adolescent and with that will come chewing, hormonal behaviour, possibly joint pain, many of the general difficulties we see in adolescent children tbh.

OP you need to work out a management plan for the puppy whilst you work on training - the good news is that management and avoidance at this stage will work wonders if you can keep it up - use a room divider to keep pup out of things you don't want, create puzzles and brain-draining activities by hiding treats under dog towels or wrapped in strips of newspaper shoved in a box he can shred...

This too shall pass... but even if you do win your partner round to rehoming, you NEED to manage this behaviour whilst you seek to rehome, rehoming is not a matter of simply saying 'who wants this dog, byebye doggy', it can take time!

I actually agree, this is the wrong home for this sort of dog, they are busy busy over thinking types who want to be with their person getting constant direction, interaction, instruction from that person and they suffer badly with FOMO and frustration which will result in destructive behaviour if they don't get it.

You didn't have the time or knowledge when you got the puppy and it doesn't seem like either of you want to make the time for the puppy now, so rehoming responsibly (ie, home checking folk, not selling in the free ads) is the way to go!

I vote re-home, it sounds fairest all round. Tough if your husband doesn’t like it, he doesn’t do much for the dog by the sounds of things.

Not helpful l know but laughing at him saying he plays for a professional paintball team God, he’s a twat isn’t he!

Hi op,

I'm sorry things are so bad for you, gently suggest you leave your husband and go to your dad's.

Your priority here has to be the safety and wellbeing of you and your child - if you can pack those bags today and leave, just do it.
It might not be an ideal situation with your dad but sounds better than what you've got now.

Once you're out of there you can consider with a clearer head what you want to do about the pregnancy and hopefully get in touch with organisations that will support you as mentioned up thread.

Ideally you'd be able to rehome the dog as well but if you can't you can't. You must prioritise yourself and the decision you will have to make on Wednesday.

Massive hugs, wish I was nearer to you to offer help. Hope you don't take any of the nasty dog related posts to heart, posters clearly haven't read the full thread and should be ashamed of themselves.

Rehome to a decent family. Don't get any other pets.

No judgement from me, take your child and run OP, you don't deserve to live the life he is making you lead. Rehome the puppy through a rescue charity, he will have a good life too.

Thanks everyone. Yes I'm currently 19+2 so by Wednesday when the abortion is booked for I will be 19+4.. I already have a bump, can feel her move etc.
I feel in between a rock and a hard place.
My mum has drank a lot since my sister died. I think I've seen her drunk as often as I have sober since it happened last May. She has got issues that are unresolved so she's emotionally unavailable for me really. I think she saw the baby as something positive after Dsis passed away and now she feels like I'm going to rip it away from her.
I'm currently waiting to speak to a perinatal mental health nurse.
DP came to visit me in hospital when I was in for 4 days last week and I thought "maybe he does care" until on the way home after I was discharged he told me what a ball ache it was to visit me to his working day and he hope no one ends up in hospital long term. Mum didn't even text me to ask how I was.
Dad is my rock and has said he'll support me either way and if I have to come live with them with 2 kids he'll help me all he can (he says the dog is not coming though as I say, they have an elderly dog and it's not fair on him, or them)
He says we'll talk tonight after I've seen this mental health nurse to make a decision - but he thinks ethically I have left it too late to abort, really. I think if it wasn't for the HG I would be able to think a bit clearer. I feel like I've lost who I used to be and lost my independence. I used to be always busy, loved my little tearoom job and would be the type who loved being out. Now I'm too anxious to leave the house and my day involves sitting on the sofa, crying, trying to force down some crackers and sleep if I'm lucky.
I just feel like such a failure. I never imagined at 32 my life would be such a mess.

There’s so many dogs waiting to be rehomed, it’s so so sad, they are living creatures who really pine when their family give them up. You are their pack, family, it’s so traumatic for them. Please think before you get a dog, it is for life not for a few months. No one thinks about the poor dog in all this, I bet you paid nearly a £1000 for him as well 😢 They’re not fashion items.

This is a heartbreaking situation to be in, OP. It's hard to keep a clear head with so much going on around you. Rehoming via a charity is best but if you're really concerned about your partner's reaction would it be possible to foster the dog? The local animal charities should have some links to this service. If your partner is hell bent on keeping the dog then this provides a halfway house. It's unlikely he'll cope with a puppy and will probably agree to rehoming.
Do get some legal advice about the house if you decide you've had enough of the situation.
Re your pregnancy, it may help to speak to bpas.org - it's an unbiased service to look at the options if you do/don't want your pregnancy to go ahead.