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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dreading tomorrow

91 replies

Washyourtoes · 10/05/2021 01:20

I can’t sleep because I am so scared about tomorrow. I don’t have anyone to talk to.

I discovered that my partner had fundamentally lied to me about well absolutely everything about himself and our relationship. It has absolutely devastated me. I’ve not spoken to him since finding out, partly because I can’t bear the thought of being lied to even more and partly because I don’t think I am able to talk to him without breaking down. When I didn’t reply to initial normal texts he started texting and calling repeatedly till I blocked him. Then today he tried to come by. I pretended I was not in.

The whole thing is complicated by the fact we work in the same place. I will see him for the first time again tomorrow. He will try to speak to me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t ever want to see him again. I’m going to leave my job, but I still have to go in for my notice. I feel sick. I texted him just now, saying I don’t want to speak to him or see him again, to not call or text, not ever come around again and to leave me alone at work. Then blocked him again. I wish I could just not go in tomorrow.

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 10/05/2021 01:26

Lied about what?

It must be serious to want to leave your job.

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 10/05/2021 01:31

Literally everything. I think just about everything he has ever said to me was a lie. He is not the person he told me was.

OP posts:

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 10/05/2021 01:33

I feel stupid for believing him. Completely alone. Betrayed and heart broken. I cannot keep seeing him at work. I will find another job.

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 10/05/2021 01:35

Have you been together long?

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 10/05/2021 01:40

We were friends for a long time before getting together. We only started a relationship in September. But I was so in love with the person I thought he was. I’ve only had two relationships. My previous one was extremely abusive and I did not think I would ever be able to fall in love. But I did and it was the most wonderful thing. Until I realised how stupid I am for not realising it was literally all fake. I cannot imagine trusting someone again. It’s like he’s broken every last bit of me that was left.

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 10/05/2021 01:44

Yes men can be a disappointment, especially liars.
Do you have to pack in work though are you in close proximity all day ?

ForewarnedisForearmed · 10/05/2021 01:46

Hello,

I suggest talking to your manager ASAP tomorrow and letting them know the situation is making you feel like you want to avoid going to work.

And if he doesn't respect your wishes to be left alone, please call 101 and explain the situation to the call handler. Even if you don't want police to get involved, it's important it is logged and on his record in case of escalation. For example, if he continues to turn up or contact you, police can then open up a harassment case.

AssassinatedBeauty · 10/05/2021 01:47

Regarding work tomorrow, if he approaches you then I would decide on a phrase to just repeat and not get drawn into any discussion. Something like "this isn't appropriate at work, please only speak to me if it is work related". Then walk away.

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 10/05/2021 01:47

No. We don’t directly work together. Not even in the same department. But we use some of the same areas, if that makes any sense at all, so will be running into him. I can’t imagine being able to not fall apart if I do. I know. Pathetic.

OP posts:

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 10/05/2021 01:50

@ForewarnedisForearmed

Hello,

I suggest talking to your manager ASAP tomorrow and letting them know the situation is making you feel like you want to avoid going to work.

To be fair, I think he only kept calling and showing up here because I essentially just disappeared. He didn’t know I’d found out he’s been lying to me. I guess after my text he now does and hopefully he’ll back off.

OP posts:

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 10/05/2021 01:53

@AssassinatedBeauty

I like that. I am scared I will just start crying if I see him. It sounds so dramatic and I’m really not a dramatic or emotionally labile person, but I feel like he’s ripped my heart out.

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 10/05/2021 01:59

It's not the end of the world if you do cry, it's understandably upsetting. Hopefully he'll have enough basic decency to now leave you alone.

If you have a friendly work colleague, could you explain and ask them to accompany you to any shared areas where you might bump into him?

OldWomanSaysThis · 10/05/2021 02:03

Maybe if you see him at work and he tries to talk to you, just put your hand up in that Stop position - say nothing since that may trigger tears - and turn and walk away.

Onthedunes · 10/05/2021 02:04

Also you have nothing to be ashamed about, he's the one that lied.
Don't let him intimidate you.
Stand tall and just trust him as a stranger if he confronts you.

Onthedunes · 10/05/2021 02:05

treat him as a stranger

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 10/05/2021 02:14

Thank you for talking to me. I absolutely hate myself for believing him. I just bought all of it. I posted on mn about it and was essentially told I could not possibly be that stupid, that no one is that dumb and that I a horrible person. I don’t feel like I can’t tell anyone what happened in real life because what if they think the same?

I am gutted about leaving work. I thought I had finally built a real life. I got away from the man who abused me. I got a job. I am renting a little flat. I thought I was in a relationship with a wonderful man and we were planning a future together.

But none of it was true. He lied to me for months before we ever got together. Everything was a lie. I don’t know what is so wrong with me that I attract these people.

OP posts:

Itsallchange · 10/05/2021 02:45

I’m sorry your in this situation, I understand somewhat how your feeling as after my divorce it took me a long time to let someone in, but I met someone who swept me off my feet and encouraged me to let my guard down, then broke my heart and stamped on it for good measure! I was absolutely devastated and I could not imagine how that would feel having to continue to see him. Are the shared areas somewhere you
Would have to go for work, or just to eat or similar? I would say don’t make any hasty decisions about leaving, the part where you said you had sorted life and renting a flat and found a job is really important and something to hold onto. Don’t allow this man to completely railroad everything you’ve achieved since leaving the abusive relationship. Could you take some sick leave to get your head together? Right now it hurts because your mourning the future you hoped you’d found....you’ve picked yourself up once you can do it again. ❤️

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 10/05/2021 09:28

I’m sorry you went through this too.

Avoided him so far.

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 10/05/2021 09:36

If you love your job then why should you leave?
I'd just tell ppl what he has done and let the rumour mill shame him into leaving.

You should also speak with your boss/hr asap (if they are a supportive sort) and let them know what is going on. Do you really think they want a compulsive Walter Mitty character working for them?

Perhaps they can also make it so that he is never around you.

Get angry op. Find your fight.

If you must leave then do things by the book so that your reference is not affected.

autumnalrain · 10/05/2021 09:39

If it was as obvious as you say it was, then surely you would have had suspicions? And also the fact you made a post on it clearly shows that your gut was saying somethings not right. Why didn’t you take the advice on Mumsnet?

Umberellatheweatha · 10/05/2021 09:41

Honestly though op his sort thrive on secrecy so if everyone knows the lies he has told, he will want to get out of there asap. Even if you dont tell anyone,he will be paranoid that you will and maybe leave anyway. Chances are there are work specific lies that he wont want exposed too and if the spotlight is on him, they might be.

Palavah · 10/05/2021 09:48

You are not supid. Pleae do not blame yourself forwhat he did.

If it was obvious that he was lying then you wouldn't have believed him. When you started to have doubts you asked for advive and now you've found out the truth. This is the beginning of your next chapter.

Don't throw away your livelihood because he's been a dick.

user1471457751 · 10/05/2021 13:48

You're not the poster who has been having an emotional affair with a guy whose wife has just found out, are you?

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 10/05/2021 22:15

@user1471457751

You're not the poster who has been having an emotional affair with a guy whose wife has just found out, are you?

I have not had an emotional affair with anyone and the only one who has just found out she’s been lied to is me.

OP posts:

AreTurnipsReal · 10/05/2021 22:23

How was work OP? He sounds terrible. You will overcome this after you have processed this? Why are you not sharing what he lied about? Its good you hadnt gone even further with him.
You will be OK. Well done for dumping him.

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