Dreading tomorrow

[Washyourtoes]

I can’t sleep because I am so scared about tomorrow. I don’t have anyone to talk to.

I discovered that my partner had fundamentally lied to me about well absolutely everything about himself and our relationship. It has absolutely devastated me. I’ve not spoken to him since finding out, partly because I can’t bear the thought of being lied to even more and partly because I don’t think I am able to talk to him without breaking down. When I didn’t reply to initial normal texts he started texting and calling repeatedly till I blocked him. Then today he tried to come by. I pretended I was not in.

The whole thing is complicated by the fact we work in the same place. I will see him for the first time again tomorrow. He will try to speak to me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t ever want to see him again. I’m going to leave my job, but I still have to go in for my notice. I feel sick. I texted him just now, saying I don’t want to speak to him or see him again, to not call or text, not ever come around again and to leave me alone at work. Then blocked him again. I wish I could just not go in tomorrow.

Went as well as it could have. He was in appointments most of the day. Tried to come to where I work once but I was in the middle of something he couldn’t interrupt and he left. Waited around at the end of the day and I just said, I told you in my text that I know you lied and I don’t want to speak to you again. And basically something along the lines of how dare you treat people this way. He said that he doesn’t understand and asked if I would just have a coffee with him tomorrow morning to talk and that if I really don’t want to speak to him again after that he will leave me alone. My head is just spinning.

@AreTurnipsReal

How was work OP? He sounds terrible. You will overcome this after you have processed this? Why are you not sharing what he lied about? Its good you hadnt gone even further with him. You will be OK. Well done for dumping him.

Because he lied about being separated and I truly believed him. I would have never have gotten involved with someone who is in a relationship. But he told me he was separated long before he ever even became remotely ‘flirty’ with me. We had been friends for a long time. I had no reason not to believe him. I feel so stupid. I found pictures on fb his (apparently still) partner posted recently of them looking happy. And I felt like I got hit by a truck. I am assuming she has no idea either.

If I can face it tomorrow and think I can do so without letting him see me break down I will meet him and tell him that I will never see him or speak to him again. And that either he tells her or I do, so she can decide what she wants to do. I want to tell him how much he has hurt me but I don’t know if I can without crying. I am sure this poor woman will be heartbroken too and he made me part of that. I am so fucking angry. And upset. And hurt. My head is a complete mess.

But I kept it together at work and did my job. Have not handed in my notice yet. Wish he would leave, but there’s no chance of that.

How are you so sure he is still with this other partner?

Were the pics she posted on fb recent?

"Let's just keep things professional from now on, no need to chat about non work stuff."

Rinse and repeat!

Oh I remember you from a previous thread.

There were many warning signs and you did know he had a wife and baby on the way / very young and when you met. He started flirting and ramping it up very shortly after apparently actually ending it.

Rinse and repeat 'let's keep things professional, nothing left to say about anything else'.

I remember your other thread...don’t let him ‘hoover’ you back up, stay strong 💪

There’s one of them standing next to each other smiling from a few weeks ago and similar one from a few months ago. And there’s a picture from their wedding as the header pic. It’s not a public profile so can’t see much else.

They were still living together (and his explanation for that made complete sense to me because I’m a gullible idiot) and we’re on good terms (according to him she broke it off with him). But no one would have wedding pictures up if they had separated. Even I am not stupid enough to believe that.

I believed everything he said to me. I had never met anyone so kind and caring and honest, I thought I really knew him. He knew about my history. I did not think he would ever hurt me (or his as I thought ex partner). I clearly attract absolutely cruel awful men. I don’t think I will ever date again. I feel like trusting him was such an enormous thing for me. And it was just a game to him. I feel like I’m not even a person.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Oh I remember you from a previous thread.

There were many warning signs and you did know he had a wife and baby on the way / very young and when you met. He started flirting and ramping it up very shortly after apparently actually ending it.

Rinse and repeat 'let's keep things professional, nothing left to say about anything else'.

He told me they had separated. That she wanted a divorce. That they wanted to do things amicably.

Yes there were warning signs. But this was not some stranger on tinder whose crap I believed. This was my friend. Who I did not have an emotional affair with. He was my friend. He seemed completely loyal to his partner. Then he told me she had asked him for a divorce and how devastated he was. He did not cross any boundaries to make me think he wanted to be anything but friends until several months later. I did not pursue him in any way. I did not want a relationship of any kind again.

So yes it sounds crazy to believe him but I thought I knew this person. I thought he was my friend.

Well now you really know he is a lying, using cunt. There is no point in meeting him unless you really are trying to pursue and persuade him to be with you.

He was just your work friend, you may have known him for many years but you know nothing of his life outside work.

Men like these have different personas, he wasn't your friend, he was your predator and you wanted to believe him because it suited you.

You could have looked at their Fb ages ago and found this information out.
Why bother meeting him again for coffee, you are wrapped up in the drama of it, you have already said it's over. Just move on and feel sorry for his wife, she is the one who has been taken for a mug.

Sorry to hear you've had a rough time. But it's not worth losing a good job over. As other posters have said, all you have to say to him at work is... 'Is this related to work? No? Then I'm not interested. If you harass me at work I'll be going to HR'.

Don't bother going for a coffee with him. He knows he's been a twat, you don't need to keep repeating yourself to a twat.

Tell your manager (or HR if you have HR) - not any major details, just that you and him were casually dating, he told you him and her were divorcing, you've discovered that's all lies and you've ended things like any decent woman does, and you're just giving management/HR a heads up, in case things get awkward or he tries to damage your reputation at work.

I'd think about telling his wife, too. Just so she knows. Not in a spiteful way, no gory details or such, just 'apologies for being the bearer of bad news, here's the situation, just want you to know I had no idea you were still officially together, I've ended things, and won't be listening to any more of his nonsense'.

And well, just dust yourself off and crack on.

Yes, you feel like a fool, but we've all been played, in love, to some degree. At least you know you've done the right thing ending it as soon as you found out, and no, you wont make the same mistake moving forwards.

Hope you managed to get some sleep x

If your manager is approachable you may want to say you want the least possible interaction with this person or essentially no interaction with this man during work. U dont have to explain the whole affair but say its something that is really upsetting and unnerving. Also take time off if its that bad, if its actually making ur stomach churn. U may need some time to absorb these feelings and refresh ur mind a little. Just a couple of days if u can. But then promise ur self ul go back in with ur head held up high. Remember uv done nothing wrong and really i hope hes the one that is bricking it if he sees u. Hope it works out.

OP, you’ve already set your boundary. You’ve told this Low-Life that you know he lied and you will no longer speak to him. Why on earth would you backtrack on that and give him another opportunity to manipulate you? He is the worst kind of user.

So sorry that you are suffering.

Everybody makes foolish choices sometimes. You know you'll never make this mistake again. He was the one being disloyal to his wife. I wouldn't tell her to be honest - it will just make work even more difficult if he comes in yelling or his wife does. You have to protect yourself and you have no duty to her or their marriage.

Anyway I highly doubt that this is the first time he has strayed and he was a fool for straying with somebody who works with him. It's pretty obvious in this situation that he was going to be found out fairly easily.

Once unknowingly I found myself going out with somebody who was engaged. I found out he was engaged and he knew I found out because his mother told me! I managed to stammer out that she should pass on my congratulations. He tried to visit and it was quite lucky that my father didn't chase him down the driveway with a pitchfork. I said that if he was engaged, there was absolutely nothing to talk about. I then left town (not because of him but because I got a job in another city). I believe he married the fiancée.

I would certainly not have coffee with him so he could tell you other lies. If he persists, I would tell him that if he didn't leave you alone you would tell his wife. Remember, the worst of it is over after the first meeting. Don't give up your job for this dreadful man.

For future reference going out with workmates has many possibilities for going very badly wrong. I was once being asked out by a slightly older colleague. My secretary just happened to mention the two other women he had dated from work and whose lives he had made a misery after they broke up so that they were driven from their jobs. I immediately found myself totally unavailable rather than him going for the trifecta.

Absolutely do not meet him again. If you do then it doesn't matter what you say, it sends the signal to him that you are open to being conned again.

If you intend to tell his partner, tell her. Dont give him a heads up about it first. He will just tell her there is a crazy woman out to get him.

Come on now op, you've done brilliantly so far. Dont go back to daft choices.

How are you doing, OP?

I remember your other thread, Op.

Good luck for getting through another work day.

Met him. Told him I saw the pictures. Turns out he did not lie to me. He apologised for making me feel like he was unsure about living with me and explained what’s been going on for him. Said his ex had the wedding picture up as her family don’t know that she’d broken up with him and why (and she was worried about being judged because of the kids). I said how can you actually expect me to believe that.

Long story short, I met his ex yesterday eve. Everything he’s told me is true. They’re friends and that’s it. She knows he’s been seeing me and is happy he’s moving on.

The last few days have felt like a complete nightmare. I had 200+ strangers tell me I am a husband stealing evil idiot.

I guess real life is a bit more nuanced than that.

It all sounds like a load of hassle is he worth it

OP you are the one that convinced us that’s he’s still married by being all hysterical on this thread.

You are the one that sent him dramatic texts and ignored him at work before asking him what went on.

Perhaps your approach from this point forward should be more ‘nuanced’ than that.

I still think you should keep your distance from him OP.

Do not get into a relationship with someone who is not divorced, or if not yet divorced, currently separated at least 18 months.

Sorry but lol.

I discovered that my partner had fundamentally lied to me about well absolutely everything about himself and our relationship.

I think just about everything he has ever said to me was a lie. He is not the person he told me was.

Until I realised how stupid I am for not realising it was literally all fake. I cannot imagine trusting someone again. It’s like he’s broken every last bit of me that was left.

But none of it was true. He lied to me for months before we ever got together. Everything was a lie.

I mean, based on the information you gave, it's a bit cheeky to say MN 'convinced you' he was a liar. You repeatedly said he unequivocally was one...

Excellent, I'm glad you have clarity on the situation now.

All is good, he's not a liar.

Good luck.