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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling Smothered

99 replies

keepitsimple49 · 09/05/2021 20:01

Genuinely feeling exhausted by my OH. I really don't want to put his feelings down so I was looking for some opinions first.
I don't even know where to begin, he literally cannot do anything on his own without help. From house maintenance and household chores and the kids everything has to be done with me and him. Otherwise it won't get done. Once I start he will help or if he starts he asks for help. Doesn't want to go out without me to the shops or taking kids out I'm always asked to go, if I don't 'I've ruined the day' and no one goes out. If I'm in shower he wants to come in if I'm on loo he will stand at the door talking to me. Cutting his hair and facial hair he wants help. Asks me to 'scrub his back' in the shower. Even when I'm at work, upstairs, or he's on the toilet constant messages about things. Even when he bloody masterbates he wants some sort of interaction. Doesn't like gaming with his friends anymore he wants me to start playing. I feel smothered and exhausted. I've told him to settle down and I need space im not disappearing in the moments I'm gone but he makes me feel bad then I'm back to feeling uncomfortable again I want my peace back!

OP posts:

Lumene · 09/05/2021 20:03

That sounds insane!

Has he always been like this or has something shifted?

Original poster

keepitsimple49 · 09/05/2021 20:08

Nothing that springs to mind. It's happened for so long now but it didn't used to be like this

OP posts:

Takemetomiami · 09/05/2021 20:12

Even when he bloody masterbates he wants some sort of interaction.

I can't get past this bit...

Surroundedbytime · 09/05/2021 20:13

What happens if you go out on your own?

Aprilwasverywet · 09/05/2021 20:14

Does he ever let you out of his sight so to speak?

welshsoph · 09/05/2021 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 09/05/2021 20:17

God that's no way to live. Have you clearly told him to stop? If he continues that is so disrespectful. Just stop interacting, and start making plans for a less suffocating life.

Original poster

keepitsimple49 · 09/05/2021 20:21

I don't go out often but when I do it's messages all night then mostly ignores me when I'm back if I didnt reply back to him. I've also said no but and it blows up into an argument saying 'fine forget I ever said anything' or 'don't ask for my help again' I only ever ask for help if it's regarding the kids so saying it just to have a pop in my opinion

OP posts:

happyface42 · 09/05/2021 20:22

I feel for you. I used to be with someone who was like this and I found the more I withdrew from him the more intense he got! I also tried speaking to him about it but he seemed to think I was being a bitch and although he said he would simmer down he never did.

Original poster

keepitsimple49 · 09/05/2021 20:24

Yes I have told him no to requests or that I can't hear him from the toilet just wait til I'm out. Or when I'm out it's 'sorry I care about you'. With all this he still says we need more time together, we don't do enough together just mind numbing at this point

OP posts:

Original poster

keepitsimple49 · 09/05/2021 20:25

Yes! He tries to say I dont want to spend time with him/he feels on his own all the time

OP posts:

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 09/05/2021 20:26

He's being really controlling.
Can you live like this?

ElspethFlashman · 09/05/2021 20:26

Jesus Fucking Christ he's your jailer.

Umberellatheweatha · 09/05/2021 20:28

Have you considered that it is controlling?
Because it most certainly is.

He has you doing stuff with and for him 24/7 so that you cant ever have space to do your own thing. So that his needs always have to be your only priority.

The texting you 24/7 if you go out without him is fucking crazy. And the silent treatment to punish you...normal people dont do that. Abusers do.

Controlling behaviour is abuse. Never allowing you your own free time or space is abuse. Silent treatment is abuse.

He is not your partner. He is your jailer.

Original poster

keepitsimple49 · 09/05/2021 20:29

I've never really seen it as controlling more needy. I can't live like this but I don't think splitting up would be fair especially with the children

OP posts:

Level75 · 09/05/2021 20:29

I think you need to tell him bluntly that you need your space.

Umberellatheweatha · 09/05/2021 20:29

@ElspethFlashman

Jesus Fucking Christ he's your jailer.

Haha snap!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/05/2021 20:30

This is not a sustainable dynamic in a healthy or happy relationship. It's a form of abuse as far as I'm concerned, akin to coercive control. He makes it impossible for you to breathe outside of your relationship because he thinks if you have any time he's not physically present or digitally present (texting when you're out etc) he will lose you. The irony is, if he didn't do that and behaved like a decent partner he wouldn't need to worry about losing you.

He's controlling every minute of your day by being this way. I think you need to reframe it in your mind that way. You are always working to his timetable and his way of doing things. You aren't allowed to exist outside of being his partner, in his mind.

It's awful, no way to live and a terrible relationship dynamic for kids to witness growing up because they will think it's what a relationship is supposed to look like and therefore be increasingly likely to recreate it when they are adults.

OnTheHuntForAHome · 09/05/2021 20:31

He's definitely controlling, sounds suffocating, I'd think about leaving him, it won't get any better.
I bet he's a massive sulker too, another huge sign of an abuser!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/05/2021 20:31

@keepitsimple49

I've never really seen it as controlling more needy. I can't live like this but I don't think splitting up would be fair especially with the children

It would be far more unfair to show your children this relationship dynamic any longer OP, I promise. It's incredibly damaging to them and their futures as they are learning that this codependency, neediness and level of control is normal when it's actually abusive.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 09/05/2021 20:32

Extreme neediness is controlling. It’s perfectly reasonable to break up with an abuser especially when you have kids.

Umberellatheweatha · 09/05/2021 20:32

@keepitsimple49

I've never really seen it as controlling more needy. I can't live like this but I don't think splitting up would be fair especially with the children

Staying with him and allowing them to see you never have any freedom is damaging to your children.

Surely you dont want your kids to think this shit is normal? How long will it be until they in turn fall into relationships where they have no freedom and are doormats?

Do not put it on your kids shoulders that you stay. They would be horrified to think you did for them this when they grow up.

ElspethFlashman · 09/05/2021 20:34

He snaps his fingers and you have to hop to it.

24/7.

How is that not controlling???

Wake up love. This is not normal. This is seriously fucked up and its fucking up your actual life.

Wriggleout · 09/05/2021 20:35

I really could not cope with this

Original poster

keepitsimple49 · 09/05/2021 20:36

I wouldn't want this for my children but i didn't see this kind of side to it. He is most certainly a massive sulker. I've always just accepted his a grump

OP posts:

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