At the moment OP, it no doubt all feels very ‘black and white’ or all black and overwhelming. That’s very normal as the wool gets dragged off our eyes. It’s to be expected. What seems to happen next is that we stop just holding and swirling the thoughts in our own heads, we start talking to others. Friends, family and experts (legal advice, etc). We start googling, ordering books, finding podcasts. Slowly a few potential paths forward form, and we evaluate and prioritise them.
It’s too early in the process to hope for clear paths yet. It’s a very scary time, but it doesn’t last long. There’s something about these epiphanies that closes emotional doors behind us- well, for most of us. Whether you end up taking a separation path or not, you’ll likely never go back to seeing him as ‘just annoying’. You’ll see 100 examples a day of how his behaviour affects yours, and how those comments/traits equal control as much as (or more than) ‘neediness’. That the only ‘care’ that counts for him is what he can get, not give. One day you’ll watch him do it with your eldest child, and the horror will properly descend on you.
What we can’t bare to do for ourselves, we often are motivated to do for our kids. So do your research, get him into therapy (since he’ll go with you more easily than most), and let the process happen. Let yourself off the hook for ‘solving it all today’. Do that everyday.
It can take time for your head, heart and gut to catch up with each other on this stuff. Of course it would, right?