Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling Smothered

99 replies

keepitsimple49 · 09/05/2021 20:01

Genuinely feeling exhausted by my OH. I really don't want to put his feelings down so I was looking for some opinions first.
I don't even know where to begin, he literally cannot do anything on his own without help. From house maintenance and household chores and the kids everything has to be done with me and him. Otherwise it won't get done. Once I start he will help or if he starts he asks for help. Doesn't want to go out without me to the shops or taking kids out I'm always asked to go, if I don't 'I've ruined the day' and no one goes out. If I'm in shower he wants to come in if I'm on loo he will stand at the door talking to me. Cutting his hair and facial hair he wants help. Asks me to 'scrub his back' in the shower. Even when I'm at work, upstairs, or he's on the toilet constant messages about things. Even when he bloody masterbates he wants some sort of interaction. Doesn't like gaming with his friends anymore he wants me to start playing. I feel smothered and exhausted. I've told him to settle down and I need space im not disappearing in the moments I'm gone but he makes me feel bad then I'm back to feeling uncomfortable again I want my peace back!

OP posts:
Fuckityfucksake · 09/05/2021 21:19

@Takemetomiami

Even when he bloody masterbates he wants some sort of interaction.

I can't get past this bit...

Me neither! That's just literal wank! Jesus! surely he can manage to do that himself.

OP, I don't know how you've put up with his patheticness as long as you have. I'm not surprised you are exhausted by him. It honestly would affect how I felt about him. He'd need to wank a lot more and learn to do it all by his little self, as to be frank, I'd not find him attractive enough to have sex with him when he behaves like a child.

Original poster
keepitsimple49 · 09/05/2021 21:21

Almost exactly the same things has been said to me. I actually more often than not took pity on it and I'd apologise...or so he would demand one now I do feel stupid

OP posts:
pheonixrebirth · 09/05/2021 21:22

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Sulking Silent treatment Guilt tripping Annoyed with you if you go out Doesn't seem to want you to have fun with anyone else Ruins big family days with his moods so they are tense If everyone is laughing / joking around he is uncomfortable and spoils it Expects you to reassure him constantly Victim mentality Bad things happen to him but never his fault, the world is unfair Wanted kids but doesn't parent effectively Wants clean home but doesn't clean effectively Wants full financial final say, but doesn't see it as family money

All or most of the above I assume?

Thank you for that list, I have just copied and pasted it in my notes titled "all the reasons why in case I forget"
Original poster
keepitsimple49 · 09/05/2021 21:24

There is a part of me that hates him. Sex is to a minimum about once twice a week. He asks for sexual photos when I'm out or at work. And of course the inability to wank of on his own

OP posts:
pheonixrebirth · 09/05/2021 21:24

@keepitsimple49

Almost exactly the same things has been said to me. I actually more often than not took pity on it and I'd apologise...or so he would demand one now I do feel stupid
Exactly! It is a total head fuck. He would do something completely inexcusable and somehow I would end up the bad one🤷‍♀️
pheonixrebirth · 09/05/2021 21:28

Please don't feel stupid, these men know exactly what they are doing and saying. As a normal human being it wouldn't enter your mind to think that he's playing you. Also look up narcissistic tendencies. I feel for you , it's just awful.

CallMeCleo · 09/05/2021 21:28

Wow.

Have my very first LTB.

If you refuse this, then you must go for counselling together, or get him referred to a psychiatrist.

RandomMess · 09/05/2021 21:30

The wank thing is utterly utterly grim and I would split over that alone.

Alcemeg · 09/05/2021 21:37

What does he do with the sexual photos?

I mean presumably he can't wank over them as he needs you there for that!

Unanananana · 09/05/2021 21:39

I feel terriblw for your children. They are foing to grow up thinking this bizarre behaviour is normal. They will either treat you like it (because daddy does) or treat future partners like it because they see it as normal. You need to protect them.

Cannot see how you can bear to shag that twice a week. What on earth is so attractive? Or do you give in to avoid the sulking?

PRsecrets · 09/05/2021 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alcemeg · 09/05/2021 21:47

OP must also find a way to retrieve the sexy photos, in case he felt vindictive.

Bananalanacake · 09/05/2021 22:43

What does he do if you go out with friends without him. Texting you while you are gone all the time is very controlling.

RandomMess · 09/05/2021 22:55

If he shares those photos it's a criminal offence.

Cherrysoup · 09/05/2021 23:14

Hugely controlling/abusive. Please do the Freedom Programme. He is horrific. How do you live like this? You poor love.

Umberellatheweatha · 09/05/2021 23:40

Omg no, never ever go to joint counciling with an abuser. Ever. It's like rule 101. They use it to further manipulate you.

But I agree that individual counciling might help you figure things put/gain some strength.

HollowTalk · 09/05/2021 23:46

I'd be a gibbering wreck if I had to live with him.

Original poster
keepitsimple49 · 09/05/2021 23:47

Yes I give in to stop the sulking, he knows with work stress I'm not in the mood for sexual things. He has a high sex drive so almost everyday he has his time without me. He tells me he's bored doing it on his own to which he asks for photos and me to participate. Even the groping is like every hour I'm with him

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/05/2021 23:49

Oh my love, your husband is pressurising you into having sex he knows you don't want to have. Can you imagine enjoying sex with someone you know doesn't really want to? For decent people, it would be such a turn off and so morally wrong that they couldn't put the other person in that position. He's absolutely awful. He's sexually harassing you in your own home Thanks

Original poster
keepitsimple49 · 09/05/2021 23:51

I don't even know what to do. Work wouldn't let me drop a significant amount of hours without notice, could he really go for custody on basis of a sahp? My oldest is in school full time I'm back before he finishes majority of the days and youngest is in nursery 4 hrs per day, realistically he is a sahp on weekends

OP posts:
Original poster
keepitsimple49 · 09/05/2021 23:53

That's how I feel sexually and even emotionally harassed

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/05/2021 23:56

Yes he could go for being resident parent if he is perceived to be the primary carer for the children. The danger with an arsehole like this is that he may well do that to get out of paying maintenance / to force you to continue being the breadwinner. I would start building up evidence he does not actually provide the primary, majority care of the children if that's the truth of the matter. You also need to start noting his coercive behaviour somewhere, documenting it. But the horrible truth is that unless he is abusive towards them (rather than you only) the decision of where they live may not take that into account. It's shit and so unfair and I hope someone with a legal background came come on with some solid advice for you on how to proceed. He sounds so awful and yes you need to start planning how to exit the relationship. Poor you Thanks

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/05/2021 23:57

@keepitsimple49

That's how I feel sexually and even emotionally harassed
That is the reality of your situation, I'm so sorry. He's awful and you need to start planning a safe exit Thanks
Original poster
keepitsimple49 · 10/05/2021 00:02

So hypothetically if I was to just up and leave with the kids would this get me into trouble because he wouldn't have access to them? This seems like too much. If we stay I fuck my kids life up if I go there's a chance he would get custody of them anyway?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/05/2021 00:06

I think you need proper legal advice as it's such a tough prospect I know.

There's a point though when you have to think it might be better for them to have one parent modelling healthy behaviour 50% of the time instead of living under the same roof as an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship dynamic 100% of the time.

And the 50/50 option, you leaving, would be a clear indication to them that it's unacceptable to be abusive. I feel for you so much, it's such a horrible position to be in. He is sexually harassing you and is happy to have sex with you, wants to have sex with you, knowing your 'consent' isn't genuine. It's appalling of him Thanks