Feeling Smothered

[keepitsimple49]

Genuinely feeling exhausted by my OH. I really don't want to put his feelings down so I was looking for some opinions first.
I don't even know where to begin, he literally cannot do anything on his own without help. From house maintenance and household chores and the kids everything has to be done with me and him. Otherwise it won't get done. Once I start he will help or if he starts he asks for help. Doesn't want to go out without me to the shops or taking kids out I'm always asked to go, if I don't 'I've ruined the day' and no one goes out. If I'm in shower he wants to come in if I'm on loo he will stand at the door talking to me. Cutting his hair and facial hair he wants help. Asks me to 'scrub his back' in the shower. Even when I'm at work, upstairs, or he's on the toilet constant messages about things. Even when he bloody masterbates he wants some sort of interaction. Doesn't like gaming with his friends anymore he wants me to start playing. I feel smothered and exhausted. I've told him to settle down and I need space im not disappearing in the moments I'm gone but he makes me feel bad then I'm back to feeling uncomfortable again I want my peace back!

Does this feel familiar OP?

@keepitsimple49

I've never really seen it as controlling more needy. I can't live like this but I don't think splitting up would be fair especially with the children

Is it really fair on the children to stay? How do you think he is going to be with teenagers who are starting to assert their independence?

Yep, I knew he'd be a sulker.

Sulking is basically a form of control. When he doesn't get what he wants he sulks, which for you in very unpleasant so in turn you give him what you want so he doesn't sulk.
He uses it as control = abusive.

Sorry OP, I would make plans to leave. Men like him don't change.

does he work? Does he expect you to go to work with him or sit with him while he works?

And I bet he gives you the silent treatment frequently too?

I really didn't see the abusive side, I didn't think to question it being that

He works one day per week and sahp for the youngest

If you were to think about it, does he control other parts of your life? Money? Friends? Clothes? Time out?

Sulking
Silent treatment
Guilt tripping
Annoyed with you if you go out
Doesn't seem to want you to have fun with anyone else
Ruins big family days with his moods so they are tense
If everyone is laughing / joking around he is uncomfortable and spoils it
Expects you to reassure him constantly
Victim mentality
Bad things happen to him but never his fault, the world is unfair
Wanted kids but doesn't parent effectively
Wants clean home but doesn't clean effectively
Wants full financial final say, but doesn't see it as family money

All or most of the above I assume?

Not often but more so when I don't send a message back if I'm out or plan something if I agreed days before we would watch some telly. I'm shaking my head, I'm slowly starting to see it

A fair amount of those statements are true

Oh god he sounds frightening. Would you want your children to grow up in that environment? Sounds like a giant manchild. Sulking?! Gross.

What the fuck does he want you to help him with when he masterbates? I can't believe what I am reading. Its way beyond controlling at this point.

@keepitsimple49

Not often but more so when I don't send a message back if I'm out or plan something if I agreed days before we would watch some telly. I'm shaking my head, I'm slowly starting to see it

I'm so glad you've posted OP because this relationship is incredibly unhealthy and you will increasingly lose yourself in it by pandering to him. You won't be able to stay with him and be happy IMO because people like him can't or won't change.

Your priority needs to be planning a future where you two coparent but are no longer in a relationship, otherwise your children are going to think this dynamic is healthy and normal, likely recreating it themselves when they're adults.

Let that power you, it would be so unfair to make that a legacy they live with

Would you want a dd to live like this? Or a ds to treat his dp like this?
Your dc will learn this is normal and acceptable..
It isn't.

I really hope this thread opens your eyes to the needy/controlling behaviour which is abuse. Please take time to let this sink in and process this. Its hard when you begin to realise what your OH is really doing. None of this is normal behaviour. You need that to sink in first. It sounds like a nightmare for you x so sorry x

It sounds exhausting and unhealthy as a relationship- not one I’d want children to grow up thinking is normal.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up then?. Did your dad treat your mum like you are now being?

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Do not use the children here as any sort of reason to stay, they cannot afford to learn that the level of control being inflicted on you and in turn your kids is at all normal. Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and creeps up on people. Your own boundaries, perhaps already mashed by previous poor relationships, are being further got at by this abusive man now.

Go into Boots the chemist tomorrow and ask for ani. The staff will direct you to one of their consultation rooms where you can access domestic violence support services.

Yes I need time

Neediness like this is easily misinterpreted as just insecurity and ' oh he's having a hard time'. This is control and abusive. He is throwing a tantrum like a baby when you try establish a boundary.

Have you ever read any books on boundary setting, abuse etc. I'm not saying this to patronise. I've read a fair few books lately as it's very fascinating. There are some great guides on identifying what your values are and what you can't tolerate ( your boundaries), how to communicate them, how to deal with the inevitable tantrum and what you will do if someone won't stop violating them after this ( the answer is usually to leave!) You could try the before steps first and see how it goes. If you stand up to him, and I mean do it confidently, assertively, calmly and do not give in to tantrums then see what happens with him. Offer to help him find a therapist if he needs extra support.
He is sucking the life out of you at the moment and you are taking on all the responsibility of life for him. He needs to get a grip.
The whole masturbation thing, come on, can't you just whack it with a pillow and say bugger off John or whatever you're called and sort your bloody self out like the rest of us do.
Good luck, lots of hugs x

My mother actually treated my dad with silent treatment and huffing and puffing but as kids paid no notice

I'd be off I couldn't stick it. My ex husband used to do this when we were out shopping, he'd be literally 1 inch away from me and I'd keep bumping into him all the time. It seemed to be some sort of insecurity but got so bad I couldn't live with him.

I will have a look into the books. Thank you

@keepitsimple49

My mother actually treated my dad with silent treatment and huffing and puffing but as kids paid no notice

See this is where that behaviour has been normalised for you - you ignored it growing up as you thought it was just how your mum was because your dad stayed with her despite it. So now you, in turn, don't recognise its awful behaviour (along with sulking etc). Your children will also grow up thinking it's normal and end up with arseholes who control their lives through sulking and guilt tripping.

They deserve better and so do you

It's creepy and disturbing because it's so controlling.

I'm so sorry for what your going through. I've been there and quite honestly felt like I was drowning. The guilt trips were particularly frustrating, as in trying to discuss a problem he would turn it around so it was as if I was attacking him ie

"oh so I'm an evil bastard am I" (I never once said the word evil or bastard)

"Don't worry I will never ask you for help ever again" (he'd asked for help with something as I was about to get into a taxi to go on a girls night)

He would normally be moody if I was going out with the girls (and they were his cousins!!)

Countless other things, however what you are dealing with is a whole other level. The toilet, shower and wanking!! Goodness grief.

You need to take some time, do some reading up on abuse, coercion and boundaries- I say this as a woman who is only just now setting my own boundaries.
(I didn't learn the first time with said arsehole and just got away from second arsehole for same reasons- my own lack of boundaries)
Your blinkers are off now my love, next is your plan on when to bolt for the door.