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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband Wants Me To Now Get An Abortion BUT Baby Was Planned - Help?!?

81 replies

Wimbymom · 07/05/2021 18:19

Hello everyone! Thank you SO much in advance for reading this. I am in dire straights as I can't talk to many people about this since I am only 7 weeks along. My husband and I have been up and down the last few years. He is a VERY difficult person - controlling, financially and otherwise, has a bad temper and goes from 0-60 for seemingly very small things. He shuts down and doesn't talk to me for weeks on end if I make a mistake or don't anticipate his needs. I know what you are thinking - he sounds like a nightmare and he is a lot of the time but I do love him and we have a three year old son. We almost separated this Christmas but we had a few months to cool off while I stayed with my parents and our son in the States. So with all the childcare help and a fresh perspective (being outside gloomy England), we reconciled and even decided to have another baby. I fell pregnant quickly and we came back to England this last week finally but within 24 hours of arriving, he has done one of his traditional flips (it's back to Dr. Jeckyll now) because I got sick after my second covid jab and "didnt help him" enough for 24 hours straight off a red eye. He still cant tell me what I was or wasn't supposed to do differently but just blames me for everything stressful in his life(like doing household renovation chores and driving our son to school). He has a stressful job and travels a lot but I take care of our son so we both have stresses. Now he says he wants me to have an abortion since he has changed his mind in these last few weeks! I am a week away from turning 39 and I know this is the last baby for me and he WANTED a baby only a week ago. Now he says he would rather live alone that deal with me and definitely doesn't want another child. My head is in a tailspin and I cant even talk to most of friends as I am so early in the pregnancy that no one knows! I'm even worried I will miscarry with all this stress. Help! What can I do in a situation like this? Has anyone been in a similar one?

OP posts:
Cuntryhouse · 07/05/2021 18:26

I think the decision is yours whether to go ahead with the pregnancy, but you should be looking to raise both children alone. Can you do that? He's vile.

HavelockVetinari · 07/05/2021 18:28

He's a vile abusive man. Decide whether YOU want this child, but don't factor him into the decision - you need to leave him.

Cloudfrost · 07/05/2021 18:34

I know what you are thinking - he sounds like a nightmare and he is a lot of the time but I do love him and we have a three year old son.

he is a nightmare and an abusive twat. the fact you have a child together should actually make you leave him and not stay with him.your children will grow uo thinking the way he treats you is normal!! leave him, keep the baby and be a single but happy parents, whose only needs you have to tace care of are your childs.

Anonapuss · 07/05/2021 18:35

Can you go and live with your parents in the states more permanently?
I would ditch him and do that, with the new baby, if i were you.

tsmainsqueeze · 07/05/2021 18:37

Baby or no baby i would begin to plan my life without this man , i think you will have a miserable future with him .
Everything you say before you even mention your pregnancy paints a bleak picture .
Whatever you choose to do you how could you forgive him for asking you to abort your / his baby ?
He sounds awful , what would you tell your friend ,sister , a stranger to do ?
Good luck ,if you want this baby go for it , it will torture you if you abort against your wishes to please this appalling man .

Serenschintte · 07/05/2021 18:38

Hes abusive. You should leave with your son - go to a refuge if necessary. This sounds like coercive control - the police could tell you.
Context a women’s Organisation like Womens aid and ask for help. You want your baby and that is enough. Could you go back to the US?

BowserJr · 07/05/2021 18:41

Take yourself and your three year old back to the states to stay with your parents and never come back.

If you stay with this vile POS and abort your baby, you will regret your decision.

HavelockVetinari · 07/05/2021 18:42

I know it's really hard to admit you're in an abusive relationship, and to take action is even harder. Well done on taking that first step.

I recommend the Freedom Programme - it's designed for the partners of abusive men, and is truly eye-opening.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

lorca · 07/05/2021 18:46

Jesus - it sounds like he has a nice convenient punch bag for all his stresses. What a giant baby. Hmm

I think the baby is your decision, he lost his ability to make a choice about that 7 weeks ago. And yes, I'd go back to the states and look to raising both kids yourself. And get decent financial advice for what he has to pay you for bringing up his children alone.

Sadsiblingatsea · 07/05/2021 18:47

I hope you can leave this awful
abuser.

MichelleScarn · 07/05/2021 18:53

Absolute arsehole, and I'm sure I've heard similar story on here before where the woman carried through with the abortion and her husband then used this to berate and bully her further.

HalzTangz · 07/05/2021 18:55

Take yourself, your son and your unborn baby back to the states. Leave the man, he doesn't love you, someone genuinely in love wouldn't try to control.

You will meet someone better, who will treat you and your kids 1000s times better

KirstenBlest · 07/05/2021 18:56

Leave him and bring up your children alone.

AgathaAllAlong · 07/05/2021 18:57

OP he is horrible, vile and abusive - do not stay with this man. Whether you go solo with the baby is up to you though. Is moving to the US for a bit an option for you?

year5teacher · 07/05/2021 18:59

It’s up to you if you keep the baby, but I would seriously rethink bringing another child into a life ruled by this abusive POS. I would consider raising the baby alone.

Read what you’ve written - why would you want to live like this? “I love him” is not a good enough reason, especially with children involved. It’s not fair on them to put them through living with a volatile, angry and controlling man.

Sorry if it sounds like I’m being harsh, but do you really want to sleepwalk into giving your children a childhood that is way more toxic than necessary?

cakecakecheese · 07/05/2021 19:00

Please get away from him.

IsThePopeCatholic · 07/05/2021 19:01

You will have to decide for yourself about this pregnancy. You need to rid yourself of this monstrous man. He will make you and your child(ren) extremely unhappy if you stay with him. If you keep the baby and you stay with him, he will make you ‘pay’ for your decision. You will be much happier when you have dumped him.

AgentProvocateur · 07/05/2021 19:02

Remove your children, born and unborn, from this abusive man before he ruins their childhood and damages them irrevocably.

Monkeymilkshake · 07/05/2021 19:03

Can you stay with your parents until you can sort things out? Can you live in the states?
Honestly, i would be leaving your husband. And if you want the baby, keep the baby.

elliemara · 07/05/2021 19:03

Have the baby and then leave him! How could you ever forgive him for making you have an abortion of a much-wanted child - and at 39 years old. DO NOT let him force you to do that! This is your baby! It's your decision alone.

user1927462849194729 · 07/05/2021 19:03

@Cloudfrost

I know what you are thinking - he sounds like a nightmare and he is a lot of the time but I do love him and we have a three year old son.

he is a nightmare and an abusive twat. the fact you have a child together should actually make you leave him and not stay with him.your children will grow uo thinking the way he treats you is normal!! leave him, keep the baby and be a single but happy parents, whose only needs you have to tace care of are your childs.

Why are there so many women posting about being complicit in child abuse today and expecting to be told it's ok.

Unforgivable.

Puntastic · 07/05/2021 19:05

LTB pronto. Contact Women's Aid. Do the freedom programme.

Sorry you're going through this. Flowers

SandersD · 07/05/2021 19:05

Keep the baby and ditch him.

Mydogmylife · 07/05/2021 19:15

@SandersD

Keep the baby and ditch him.
This
Wimbymom · 07/05/2021 19:26

Thank you all very much for your honest thoughts. It really is helpful to hear an outsiders perspective and quite sobering to even re read what I have written (which is just the tip of the iceberg).
Thank you @HavelockVetinari and @Puntasticfor the link to the freedom program. I will definitely check it out.
I know I am keeping the baby, with or without him and won’t be bullied into an abortion but just scared and feeling lonely tbh.
I could move back to the States with parental
support but am worried (maybe unnecessarily) that he he would fight to make us stay here (since England is our habitual residence). And of course I want my son to have a better example. It’s just feels so complicated and difficult emotionally when one week we are in love and happy and having a new baby and the next week it’s divorce and abortion talks...
But thank you for all the support and for the much needed reality checks. I am going to try my best to not let his negativity impact myself, our son and the baby. It’s just nice to hear that I am not the crazy one.. (an imperfect human for sure)... but this can’t be normal or acceptable.

OP posts: