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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband Wants Me To Now Get An Abortion BUT Baby Was Planned - Help?!?

81 replies

Wimbymom · 07/05/2021 18:19

Hello everyone! Thank you SO much in advance for reading this. I am in dire straights as I can't talk to many people about this since I am only 7 weeks along. My husband and I have been up and down the last few years. He is a VERY difficult person - controlling, financially and otherwise, has a bad temper and goes from 0-60 for seemingly very small things. He shuts down and doesn't talk to me for weeks on end if I make a mistake or don't anticipate his needs. I know what you are thinking - he sounds like a nightmare and he is a lot of the time but I do love him and we have a three year old son. We almost separated this Christmas but we had a few months to cool off while I stayed with my parents and our son in the States. So with all the childcare help and a fresh perspective (being outside gloomy England), we reconciled and even decided to have another baby. I fell pregnant quickly and we came back to England this last week finally but within 24 hours of arriving, he has done one of his traditional flips (it's back to Dr. Jeckyll now) because I got sick after my second covid jab and "didnt help him" enough for 24 hours straight off a red eye. He still cant tell me what I was or wasn't supposed to do differently but just blames me for everything stressful in his life(like doing household renovation chores and driving our son to school). He has a stressful job and travels a lot but I take care of our son so we both have stresses. Now he says he wants me to have an abortion since he has changed his mind in these last few weeks! I am a week away from turning 39 and I know this is the last baby for me and he WANTED a baby only a week ago. Now he says he would rather live alone that deal with me and definitely doesn't want another child. My head is in a tailspin and I cant even talk to most of friends as I am so early in the pregnancy that no one knows! I'm even worried I will miscarry with all this stress. Help! What can I do in a situation like this? Has anyone been in a similar one?

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/05/2021 20:11

Under the Hague Convention your H could report you for kidnapping your son and the courts would insist your DS be returned to the UK

There is the theory, and then there is the reality of how the Hague Convention is applied in the US.

The OP must definitely avoid creating a trail suggesting that she is abducting her son, as opposed to visiting her parents.

However, US courts are typically reluctant to return kids to other countries in this scenario, and will often look for excuses to keep the child in the US, e.g. child has settled and it's not in its best interests to return.

The OP can safely contact a US lawyer, for advice. as conversations will be legally privileged.

category12 · 07/05/2021 20:15

You're in an abusive relationship.

Of course there are good times - how do you think abusive relationships work - that people are so daft that they stay in them when they're continually constantly abused? The good times and the hope of them is what keeps people there - it's the classic nice/nasty cycle.

Hopefully he'll follow through on his threat to leave if you continue the pregnancy, but I doubt you'll be that lucky. You will need to break out of the relationship yourself, if not for your own sake, for the sake of your child(ren).

Speak to domestic abuse services. Get some support. This isn't what love looks like.

LowlandLucky · 07/05/2021 20:20

What on earth are you doing ? He is abusive, put him out and put your children first. All 3 of you will be better of without this arrogant, vile individual

HugeBowlofChips · 07/05/2021 20:22

@SandersD

Keep the baby and ditch him.
This Make a lovely life for yourself, whatever it takes.
Sakurami · 07/05/2021 20:22

I'm so sorry op but he is very abusive. Leave him whether or not you keep the baby. Do what is best for you and your son. All the best op

Cloudfrost · 07/05/2021 20:26

@user1927462849194729

i am unsure if your comment suggets that i am complicit?

Kelly345 · 07/05/2021 20:27

Sweetheart, none of what you've described is live. You've just been conditioned by an abuser. Sorry to break it to you.

Kelly345 · 07/05/2021 20:27

Love not live ffs lol

TillyTopper · 07/05/2021 20:29

Do whatever you feel you should do (for you) with regards to the baby. But please plan your escape from him and leave!

SummerHouse · 07/05/2021 20:31

You really need to leave this man.

Keep the baby if you want to.

He absolutely needs to be out the equation.

Starlightstarbright1 · 07/05/2021 20:31

Honestly do get legal advice re moving back.

The thing about abuse is they are nice at times otherwise nothing to keep you there. He will have been much nicer in the us. He doesn't want Mum and Dad to know he is abusive

starsparkle08 · 07/05/2021 20:35

Leave without telling him. Telling him would increase the risk of violence from him towards you . Abusive people hate losing control

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/05/2021 20:40

you need some serious legal advice

If the OP is a US citizen, she needs US legal advice. If she goes to a solicitor in the UK, she will end up trapped here, as no solicitor can ethically advise her to leave for the US Her DS is normally resident here and, if she wasn't in an abusive relationship, it would be quite right that her DH could insist on him staying here. But I agree with a PP that he has intentionally lured her back with lies.

The reality is that US courts are always looking for an excuse to avoid having to extradite/return US citizens to other countries. If I were the OP, I would be going back for a visit, then spinning that visit out for as long as possible, without ever stating that I intended to stay permanently. If I could get my DS into kindergarten 'as a temporary measure' and spending a lot of time with GPs/cousins, so much the better - I would be trying to establish that he was settled.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/05/2021 20:46

Classic example of the US approach to the Hague Convention here

It's actually really shit and immoral in most circumstances - typical US exceptionalism. But I have no sympathy for the OP's abusive twat of a husband.

ElspethFlashman · 07/05/2021 20:48

If you are a US citizen and your 3 year old has a US passport, absolutely I would go back and have the baby on US soil.

I think the chance of him actually pursuing it to through the vast expense of American family courts is slim.

Sarahandco · 07/05/2021 20:54

Go back to the states while you consider your position so that he cannot stop you from leaving later.

YankeeDad · 07/05/2021 21:12

Are you a US citizen? If so then there are some legal complexities. I can DM you if you'd like, both with some of the issues and with some possible places you could go to look for answers.

BlackDaffodil · 07/05/2021 21:41

get yourself to the usa 🌸

feelingfree17 · 07/05/2021 22:36

Typical abuser behaviour- it goes in cycles.
Please, for your sake and your dear little children, leave him.

7yo7yo · 08/05/2021 00:36

Pack your shit and go back to your parents ASAP.
Don’t tell him.
Let everything play out from there.

namechangingforthis19586 · 08/05/2021 00:41

Wishing you luck and many happy times with someone much nicer.

Justa47 · 08/05/2021 03:08

@Wimbymom

Why you would get pregnant is an issue but I am with the other women.

Keep the baby ditch him.

SpaceRaiders · 08/05/2021 03:21

Quietly escape back to the US. Keep the baby and ditch the husband.

Monr0e · 08/05/2021 09:59

You abdolutely cannot limit the impact of this abuser on your children.

Your so is being brought up in an abusive home and If you were reported to social services they would take this seriously as a safeguarding concern.

Regardless of whether you choose to continue with the pregnancy, you need to leave the relationship to protect your dc.

korawick12345 · 08/05/2021 10:02

Go to the States now and don't look back. If you have your second baby in the US they will be a citizen which will help anchor you there even more.