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Original poster

Husband Wants Me To Now Get An Abortion BUT Baby Was Planned - Help?!?

81 replies

Wimbymom · 07/05/2021 18:19

Hello everyone! Thank you SO much in advance for reading this. I am in dire straights as I can't talk to many people about this since I am only 7 weeks along. My husband and I have been up and down the last few years. He is a VERY difficult person - controlling, financially and otherwise, has a bad temper and goes from 0-60 for seemingly very small things. He shuts down and doesn't talk to me for weeks on end if I make a mistake or don't anticipate his needs. I know what you are thinking - he sounds like a nightmare and he is a lot of the time but I do love him and we have a three year old son. We almost separated this Christmas but we had a few months to cool off while I stayed with my parents and our son in the States. So with all the childcare help and a fresh perspective (being outside gloomy England), we reconciled and even decided to have another baby. I fell pregnant quickly and we came back to England this last week finally but within 24 hours of arriving, he has done one of his traditional flips (it's back to Dr. Jeckyll now) because I got sick after my second covid jab and "didnt help him" enough for 24 hours straight off a red eye. He still cant tell me what I was or wasn't supposed to do differently but just blames me for everything stressful in his life(like doing household renovation chores and driving our son to school). He has a stressful job and travels a lot but I take care of our son so we both have stresses. Now he says he wants me to have an abortion since he has changed his mind in these last few weeks! I am a week away from turning 39 and I know this is the last baby for me and he WANTED a baby only a week ago. Now he says he would rather live alone that deal with me and definitely doesn't want another child. My head is in a tailspin and I cant even talk to most of friends as I am so early in the pregnancy that no one knows! I'm even worried I will miscarry with all this stress. Help! What can I do in a situation like this? Has anyone been in a similar one?

OP posts:
Topseyt · 07/05/2021 19:27

Dump him. He is an arsehole and he won't change. This is no way to live. You and your children deserve so much better.

Ginger1982 · 07/05/2021 19:28

I agree you need to separate, but he can stop you taking your children out of the country. I would get some proper legal advice.

Figgygal · 07/05/2021 19:29

Ffs you knew he was a nightmare yet planned another baby with him Confused

Take yourself and kids back to America he won’t change

bellaisle · 07/05/2021 19:32

What would happen if you went on holiday to the US with your three year old and stayed.
Would it be easier than having to have permission from him to leave? Legal people on here might be able to advise.

Definitely leave him though you and your children deserve to feel safe and to have so much more than this man.

tara66 · 07/05/2021 19:33

What a chivalrous, gallant gentleman - not! I could swear! Have you asked him about his responsibility to you and the unborn as opposed to just thinking of himself? Shout and scream at him! Whatever you decide - LTB - you will always blame him if you terminate and rightly so, of course.

Countrycode · 07/05/2021 19:39

Jesus, that's a grim scenario you paint. He's horrid and regardless what you decide with the baby you should get rid of the pig.

Personally if it was me I would probably have an abortion and become a single mum to DS. Single parenthood is hard work and you're most likely going to end up that way eventually. Much easier to cope with one child alone rather than two. However if you want the baby you should definitely go through with the pregnancy but in the knowledge that you're most likely going to be doing it on your own. The decision is YOURS and yours alone and I would not even factor the disgusting "man" into the decision.

Good luck OP Flowers

Anonapuss · 07/05/2021 19:41

Leave, just go, dont tell him youre going.
Nothing he can realistically do once you're gone. And not sure he would bother, by the sounds of it.

Laundrydragon · 07/05/2021 19:42

Op the time of planning to leave is the most dangerous for women + children leaving an abusive home. You really need a trusted friend and some professional help to leave the relationship asap while staying safe. Also there's some sites that can help you hide your search history if you're worried he might look through your phone. xx

MrsFin · 07/05/2021 19:44

Have the baby.
Leave the man.
And less of the "gloomy England" if you don't mind please.

999Alex · 07/05/2021 19:46

Sounds like an easy decision have ur much wanted baby and ditch him.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/05/2021 19:48

He can pursue you for custody from the US. Yes, he can. That's something to keep in mind in whatever decision you make. People on MN always say 'Just go home' but don't realise that might not always be possible in international marriages.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/05/2021 19:49

@MrsFin

Have the baby. Leave the man. And less of the "gloomy England" if you don't mind please.
Hmm

My husband and kids are born British and find it gloomy AF a lot of the time. Are they allowed because they were born here Hmm?

DiscoGlitterBall · 07/05/2021 19:51
  1. pick up the telephone and talk to your parents - I’m assuming you were able to talk to them when you went there last time and that they are aware (to a degree) if the situation.
  2. get your passports and keep them safe, away from the house if needed.
  3. freedom programme
  4. pack a bag, buy a plane ticket and leave.

Take some time to establish what you want, where you want to live and what your future looks like. If you have to deal with a person like that on a daily basis, then you can easily and happily raise one or two children alone - don’t let that scare you.

faithfulbird20 · 07/05/2021 19:51

He might change his mind again and ask you to keep it. Do what you want. I'd say keep it. It's not upto him what happens when and if. He needs to grow up.

CovidSmart · 07/05/2021 19:56

You really need to go and see a lawyer before doing ANYTHING AT ALL, incl telling him you are keeping the baby.

Because he is abusive and im pretty sure he will do his best to force you to stay in the uk.

I’m also pretty sure that he will make your life hell as soon as you telll him you’re Not going to have an abortion

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/05/2021 19:58

Are you a US citizen? If you are, get on a plane with your DS. Put nothing in writing. Do not text, what's app or email your parents. Contact them only by phone. You are going for a holiday/break, you are not removing your DS permanently - be careful, the US is a signatory to child abduction treaties. But, once back in the US, you will be in a far stronger position to negotiate.

Make sure you keep all evidence of your DH being abusive.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2021 19:59

I can't believe that you would willingly get pregnant again with such a horrible man. Did you not think about the child in all of this? Born to a monster of a father, and what about your existing child? You would allow them to grow up in such an abusive environment? Honestly, read what you wrote about your own husband - he's a sadistic, unhinged lunatic.

Your husband is horrible, but you have to take some responsibility here, too. You should have left him ages and ages ago, and now things are decidedly much more complicated. Regardless, you have to get away from him.

Dyrne · 07/05/2021 19:59

Posters really need to make themselves aware of The Hague Convention before they wade in and start advising the OP to abduct their child.

OP, please speak to women’s aid. They should be able to guide you to specialist legal advice to navigate this situation and empower you to leave this abusive situation.

CovidSmart · 07/05/2021 20:00

Btw I have to say I would also think about packing a bag and leaving and doing your best to keep him sweet for the next 3 months (then you should both be considered resident,, assuming you both have the american citizenship)

osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/05/2021 20:01

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

Are you a US citizen? If you are, get on a plane with your DS. Put nothing in writing. Do not text, what's app or email your parents. Contact them only by phone. You are going for a holiday/break, you are not removing your DS permanently - be careful, the US is a signatory to child abduction treaties. But, once back in the US, you will be in a far stronger position to negotiate.

Make sure you keep all evidence of your DH being abusive.

Not necessarily. REALLY bad advice there. I have two friends who did this and boy did it bite them in the ass.
osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/05/2021 20:02

@Dyrne

Posters really need to make themselves aware of The Hague Convention before they wade in and start advising the OP to abduct their child.

OP, please speak to women’s aid. They should be able to guide you to specialist legal advice to navigate this situation and empower you to leave this abusive situation.

This!
LittlestBoho · 07/05/2021 20:03

Since you were basically separated and had been in America for months that was yours and your son's habitual residence. It would have been very difficult for your H to force you to come back to the UK. So your husband tricked you with promises anda pregnancy and fake kindness to get you to come back to the UK. Now you can't go back again without his permission (which he isn't going to give). He has played you.

DO NOT take your son and head for America without his permission. Under the Hague Convention your H could report you for kidnapping your son and the courts would insist your DS be returned to the UK.

Do you want to move you and your children back to the USA? Is your DS a US citizen? You are going to have to be very devious to get out of this.

Ruthietuthie · 07/05/2021 20:03

Poor poor you. This sounds just heart-breaking. What a cruel man.
Sending you so much love and support.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/05/2021 20:04

Not necessarily. REALLY bad advice there. I have two friends who did this and boy did it bite them in the ass

That's why I'm saying the OP should not give the impression she is leaving permanently. It may well bite her in the arse. She should go but on a visit and consult an attorney once there.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/05/2021 20:07

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

Not necessarily. REALLY bad advice there. I have two friends who did this and boy did it bite them in the ass

That's why I'm saying the OP should not give the impression she is leaving permanently. It may well bite her in the arse. She should go but on a visit and consult an attorney once there.

It doesn't matter at all (and btw, they know people do this and are wise to it) and does not denigrate his right to his child.

And no, going to visit your family in another country does not mean that you are not habitually resident in the UK.

Please, OP, you need to see a proper solicitor, do not take dodgy legal advice from here.

If he's abusive, there's every chance he'll use the children to keep you from leaving or force the child to return.

Personally I'd end the pregnancy as it's really not a good situation to bring a child into, but you need some serious legal advice.