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Original poster

Don't know how to cope with DP revelation

346 replies

daisydays90 · 07/05/2021 17:07

I've name changed for this.

Last night I was putting washing away when I came across a bank statement stuffed into my DP's drawer. I was shocked to see it was in a substantial overdraft as he'd told me he was using this account to put money away so he could plan a surprise for me and DS. (We share all other finances, so or I thought...)

I did a little digging and came across another more recent bank statement, showing very large sums being paid out to certain individuals. It also showed that he'd lied about how much money his dad lent us a few months ago when he lost his job due to the pandemic.

When he got home from work (he has a new job, luckily he was only out of work for about 6 weeks), I confronted him straight away. He admitted that last year he started using cocaine. He was incredibly stressed - I knew this and had talked him into going to a psychotherapist but he only went once and although he said it was a positive experience, he didn't go back despite me constantly asking him to. He said he just did it to try and help him focus at work and take the stress off, but it quickly became a problem both in terms of addiction and financial. He said he realised he was digging a huge hole that he'd struggle to get out of if in continued, so he stopped. He told me he hasn't used at all since last year but has spent that time worrying and trying to pay it back and also feeling immensely guilty for keeping this from me. He'd never done anything like this before.

He was so, so apologetic, upset, ashamed and embarrassed. He promised this is the only thing he's ever kept from me and although he knew he should have told me, he was worried I would leave him and he couldn't bear to lose me and his family.

We've been together over 6 years now. We are engaged to be married next year, already have a young child and have another on the way. Although I knew we were dealing with him feeling really out of sorts and stressed, which he said was pretty much completely down to his old job and then lockdown/both of us being on furlough, I thought everything was otherwise pretty perfect.

I love him with everything I have. He is an amazing partner, provides for us, works extremely hard and has always been a complete support to us. Loving, committed, honestly everything I ever wanted in a partner.

This has completely shook me up and I'm struggling so much with how to feel. There's no denying I still want to be with him. I told him I love him and although I'm incredibly disappointed, I'm not just going to end our relationship because things are difficult just now. We will work through it. I'm just worried because in the back of my head I'm wondering, "What if it happens again?"

He told me if he ever felt the urge to use again, he would instantly tell me and we would work together to get him help. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that right now some trust is gone.

It's made more difficult as I'm in the early stage of pregnancy and my hormones are already all over the place - but I feel somewhat numb about all of this. Detached from reality as if it's not really happening.

How do I move forward?

OP posts:
Original poster
daisydays90 · 07/05/2021 22:10

He got in from work this evening and we had another long talk. I was a bit of a mess when he got home, after reading the responses on here. I was worrying myself sick.

So I asked him to tell me more:

  • Yes, he was able to buy the coke and didn't have to pay straight away. He was always making some form of payment, just not the whole amount and he was always buying more. The dealer was happy for him to do this.
  • The dealer charged £100 a gram, some days he was spending £300. It racked up very quickly, which explains the debt.
  • I asked him to see his last correspondence with the dealer but he had deleted it all as well as his number. He said he didn't want it on his phone. So he offered to message the dealer asking if there was any money outstanding. He did this right in front of me and let me literally watch the phone while the dealer replied. He confirmed he doesn't owe any more money.

He says it really came to a head in October and that's when he realised how much shit he was in, but he says it took until the end of the year or maybe January before he completely quit. He can't remember the exact date he last used, but swears blind that it has been at least 3 months. He said it wasn't that difficult to quit, there was no physical affect on him, just emotional. He did constant urges to use again but didn't.

He has never dealt drugs!!

I believe him.

OP posts:
Original poster
daisydays90 · 07/05/2021 22:12

Also -

When I asked him if I could drug test him now he said of course. He'd do a test any time or place if I asked.

He also said he would go back to the psychotherapist or go to anything else I ask him to.

OP posts:
Nancylovesthecock · 07/05/2021 22:12

£100 a gram?! Fucking hell inflation has pushed those prices up. 😂

Standrewsschool · 07/05/2021 22:12

@motherofadog

There are a lot of people commenting here who don't know much about drugs or addiction. I do.

OP, nothing you've said makes me think he must be lying. There's nothing unusual about getting through 1-3g of coke a day without your partner noticing, especially if they don't know anything about coke. And there's nothing unusual about racking up a debt of thousands. I know several young people in exactly this situation. Of course, he might be lying, because addicts lie, but there's no reason to assume that he is.

The people I know have all stopped now, and the one thing that's enabled them all to do so is the fact that they all have people they love and productive lives they enjoy and are invested in; they're not just wild free party people any more. Your partner has you, your child, his job, your future together.

It will help if he can tell family or friends. It makes it real, as well as giving him more support. He needs therapy or a support group, whatever works for him, and you do too. Don't try and deal with this on your own, don't keep it secret. Bring it into the light. You need to meet people in the same situation, learn about addiction, and understand what kind of help he needs from you. And you need to set some ground rules and some boundaries and make it very clear what you expect from him and what you can offer him.

I'd probably want to postpone the wedding for now, until the debts are paid and you're as sure as you can be that he's on the right track. That you both are. But that's your decision to make.

I think you're in with a really good chance of getting past this. Don't give up on him yet. But don't sacrifice yourself for him either. Wishing you all the best.

“ There's nothing unusual about getting through 1-3g of coke a day without your partner noticing, especially if they don't know anything about coke. ”

Can I ask, what signs would there be, if any?

Miasicarisatia · 07/05/2021 22:17

£100 a gram He's telling you porky pies

Original poster
daisydays90 · 07/05/2021 22:18

A previous poster confirmed that prices can range anywhere between £40-£100 per gram.

OP posts:
Original poster
daisydays90 · 07/05/2021 22:19

@Miasicarisatia

£100 a gram He's telling you porky pies
Really, why would he lie about that? If told me £60 or £100 it doesn’t really matter, he’d still have been able to rack up significant debts if he was buying up to 3 grams a day! He really has no reason to lie about the amount.
OP posts:
LittlestBoho · 07/05/2021 22:24

He really has no reason to lie about the amount.

Except that he lied about taking drugs, about being at work the whole time, about borrowing money from his dad, about getting an overdraft, about having drug debts and about quitting drugs last year (your more recent posts says it was January, previously he told you October 2020).

He hasn't just told you one lie, once. He's told you a hundred lies over a long period of time. Why would you believe a single word he says?

InpatientGardener · 07/05/2021 22:25

@Miasicarisatia

£100 a gram He's telling you porky pies
Asked ex and he reckons £100 a gram quality wise would be like rocket fuel and you wouldn't be doing 3 of them at work and getting away with it. Or he's been charged more because he's ticking it, or getting mugged off price wise. If he's really not used before maybe its the latter. Glad you've had a chat with him though, sounds productive. FWIW my drug taking ex did actually stop for good after a couple of hiccups, so its not impossible and he had used for a decade. Just please be careful going forward, he needs to regain your trust still. Best of luck
Miasicarisatia · 07/05/2021 22:26

So he offered to message the dealer asking if there was any money outstanding. He did this right in front of me and let me literally watch the phone while the dealer replied. He confirmed he doesn't owe any more money
Really? Drug dealers offer couples counselling as a side gig....
sounds to me more like a business partnership with the dealer, they're both playing you

Gymsmile21 · 07/05/2021 22:26

£100 a gram, we don’t live in California! (Unless you do, I assumed you was in the U.K.)

DeadDodo1 · 07/05/2021 22:29

£100 is not unusual

friend who was well into it paid £60 a gram but could have got it at £100 with promises it was better quality - he would buy both at times and could easily get through 3g a day

Wolfiefan · 07/05/2021 22:31

You don’t know he has never dealt.
He’s only offering to do whatever you ask as he has been caught out.
This is not a man you can trust OP. If you don’t see that he will drag you and the kids down with him.

Gymsmile21 · 07/05/2021 22:32

That dealer took the mick. If your DH lapses, don’t lapse back to that guy! No wonder the pounds stacked up!

You sound like your going to make this work, hope he doesn’t let you down, you sound like a strong person though.

Cakeofdoom · 07/05/2021 22:32

A close family member has been a heavy coke user (and other drugs) for years, at least 20. His habit is between 500 to 1k a week, if not more. He holds down a job and has other business interests and money to feed his habit. His health is fucked and mentally he is an utter mess. His partner just ignores it as she is an emotional abuse victim, dependent and an alcoholic. Their whole world is an addiction nightmare that their 2 kids grew up in - one is a dealer but has recent convictions for it. Next step is prison if he gets caught again.

If you stay with him, be very sure he is clean. Addicts will do anything it takes to feed their habit - i've experienced this too many times.

Miasicarisatia · 07/05/2021 22:33

they are both saying whatever they think will shut you up and get you off his case OP

Horehound · 07/05/2021 22:44

So have you access to his accounts and see the current status of his account now?

If I were you I'd be postponing the wedding until you know you can trust him again.

Restlessinthenorth · 07/05/2021 22:46

I am an addiction healthcare professional. I don't judge the position you husband has found himself in but I assure you, he is not telling you the truth. His account of how and when he used drugs, and how and why he gave up just isn't an accurate story. He is telling you what you want to hear and your comments, whilst understandable, reinforce that.

Something you need to get your head around quickly is that relapse is a very common part of the process of addiction. It's not just possible, it's highly likely. Willpower on its own is not a means by which most people recover (look up ego fatigue if an explanation as to why is important to you).

I would be urging your husband to get in contact with the addiction services in your area. Reluctant would be a major red flag to me, if I was you, in protecting yourself. People can and do overcome addiction but really not in the way you have described. So far you know only what he wants you to know, based on the information you stumbled upon. Get yourself some professional support too.

I wish you all the very best on this rollercoaster of a journey. You aren't alone, please don't go through it that way

Original poster
daisydays90 · 07/05/2021 22:49

@Miasicarisatia

So he offered to message the dealer asking if there was any money outstanding. He did this right in front of me and let me literally watch the phone while the dealer replied. He confirmed he doesn't owe any more money Really? Drug dealers offer couples counselling as a side gig.... sounds to me more like a business partnership with the dealer, they're both playing you
He literally messaged him saying “Just checking if I owe you anymore cash?”

The guy replied, “No mate.”

This was just because I said I wanted proof that he no longer owed any money. He was sat next to
me the whole time. It’s not like he had time to get in touch with the dealer to have a practice run of how that conversation should go! (And I don’t believe it was a “if this ever happens and I message you, say this!” scenario either).

OP posts:
ceilingsand · 07/05/2021 22:49

"We will get through this"

There is no "we" in this. Only he can do it.

Original poster
daisydays90 · 07/05/2021 22:50

@Horehound

So have you access to his accounts and see the current status of his account now?

If I were you I'd be postponing the wedding until you know you can trust him again.

Yes I have full access to all his accounts and he’s given me all of his cards. He’s said he’ll just ask for money when he needs to put fuel in his car - and I know this is about £40 every week and a half so I can keep tabs on it.
OP posts:
Original poster
daisydays90 · 07/05/2021 22:52

@Restlessinthenorth

I am an addiction healthcare professional. I don't judge the position you husband has found himself in but I assure you, he is not telling you the truth. His account of how and when he used drugs, and how and why he gave up just isn't an accurate story. He is telling you what you want to hear and your comments, whilst understandable, reinforce that.

Something you need to get your head around quickly is that relapse is a very common part of the process of addiction. It's not just possible, it's highly likely. Willpower on its own is not a means by which most people recover (look up ego fatigue if an explanation as to why is important to you).

I would be urging your husband to get in contact with the addiction services in your area. Reluctant would be a major red flag to me, if I was you, in protecting yourself. People can and do overcome addiction but really not in the way you have described. So far you know only what he wants you to know, based on the information you stumbled upon. Get yourself some professional support too.

I wish you all the very best on this rollercoaster of a journey. You aren't alone, please don't go through it that way

I appreciate the advice but there has literally been posters in this thread who have been regular coke users who have given up pretty easily. Are you saying they’re lying?
OP posts:
Original poster
daisydays90 · 07/05/2021 22:53

@ceilingsand

"We will get through this"

There is no "we" in this. Only he can do it.

Of course there’s a “we”. This is the father of my children and the person I’ve chose to spend the rest of my life with. He is not alone and has my full support, but it’s a big process not only for him but me as well - hence the “we”.
OP posts:
Sssloou · 07/05/2021 22:54

I asked him to see his last correspondence with the dealer but he had deleted it all as well as his number. He said he didn't want it on his phone. So he offered to message the dealer asking if there was any money outstanding. He did this right in front of me and let me literally watch the phone while the dealer replied. He confirmed he doesn't owe any more money.

How was he able to text the dealer if he had deleted his number because he didn’t want it on his phone?

Original poster
daisydays90 · 07/05/2021 22:54

@Wolfiefan

You don’t know he has never dealt. He’s only offering to do whatever you ask as he has been caught out. This is not a man you can trust OP. If you don’t see that he will drag you and the kids down with him.
I do know he has never dealt. There is literally nothing suggesting he has, despite what some posters here would like me to believe.
OP posts: