Is this a kind of abuse or should I let this go?

[NYCDeli]

Hi,

Not really sure where to start here without going on and on, but I think I need some clarity and sort of need to know what to do next?

DP and I together for many years, we own a home together and we are parents. I'm coming towards the end of IVF treatment, embryo transfer is scheduled in the next month as i'd desperately like another baby.

I've used to work, have some of my own savings. I was a freelancer, doing fairly well for myself but unfortunately the work has dried up so i'm sort of a stay at home mum now (hate it, feel so vulnerable) Due to feeling so vulnerable I decided to retrain, so that's taking up a lot of my time. I'm close to qualifying and then will set up my own business - but I know this will take time and energy before I see great rewards, so it'll be a while before i'm earning, particularly as I want another child, so that will delay me a bit.

DP has his own Company, he earns good money. We don't share a bank account but he takes care of me financially. He pays for everything, but I do use my own savings occasionally too.

He's a great dad, hands on, but I do the lion's share, as well as helping him with his company and studying.

I just wanted to give some background before I go on.

Basically, he doesn't like me. It makes me feel so sad to type this because he's so brutal with his words.

I will hold my hands up and say i'm no angel. Infertility takes its toll and i've been a hormonal mess at times. I've been at this on and off for 6 years and sometimes I go scatty off the medication. I know i've not been the easiest person to live with at times but i'm really working on this and have made some major improvements. I've learned to sort of keep my feelings to myself as much as I can, because to be honest he's not very supportive and then if I get upset he erupts.

There's our problem - he erupts. If i'm having a bad day, or I have a moan, or I say something he doesn't agree with he just SCREAMS at me. His voice is so loud. The whole street must hear him. I feel like I can't be honest with my feelings because of his reaction.

The insults just roll off his tongue. The venom he spews is shocking. He's says things that are incredibly hurtful and very immature such as...

"You fat, saggy c*nt"
"I don't love you, I never have"
"You've ruined my life. If I never met you I wouldn't be living here, I'd be traveling the world"
"You're a shit mum"
"Look at the state of you, you are a fat mess"
"You will never be as good as me, look at the work you've put in over the years and you have nothing to show for it - ha"
"You're a bum. I pay for your entire life, you're a joke"
"You'll never have the success I have, you'll always be beneath me"

Honest to God, these are things he says regularly in an argument.

If I get upset and cry, he mimics me, tells me he has no sympathy for me and that i'm pathetic etc...He also often says derogatory things about my family during an argument. It's incredibly immature.

I've lost it this morning. I was crying and he was mimicking me and I just saw red. I flew at him. I have smashed my coffee machine up and just absolutely lost it. I said some terrible things in retaliation. Bare in mind i'm knee deep in IVF meds so this will play a part, but i'm also sick of being spoken to this way, I have to react if i'm hurt this deeply. I need him to see what he's doing to me. I need him to change. It's so immature and so nasty, and his voice is so loud.

In a nutshell, if I get stressed, or angry, or upset, instead of supporting me he just goes ape shit. His reaction to me is extreme, it's not normal. I always ask him to lower his voice, but he won't. Sometimes i'll then scream back when I can't take anymore, not all of the time, but sometimes - I then instantly regret it.

The thing is, i'm sort of in a very vulnerable position. I am not earning money. I couldn't afford to go and rent a place. I have no income yet, and my savings would last all of 3 months. We are about to start a double extension on our house and everything is just stressful right now.

I sort of don't know if this is some kind of abuse? I know it's wrong. I know if my children were spoken to like this, or spoke to their partner like this that I would be heartbroken, but I don't know if this is classed as some kind of mental abuse because I can often hold my own and I can be difficult to live with sometimes.

If this is abuse, well, what can I do? I have nowhere else to go and it'll be a while before i'm earning decent money.

I do love him, and everyone thinks he's a fantastic guy, he has many amazing qualities but the top and bottom of it is, is that he will always speak to me this way. He never shows any remorse. He obviously doesn't have any respect for me and things escalate VERY quickly, because of him, he escalates them. He won't talk calmly to me, no matter how many times I ask him to.

I honestly don't know what to do and would really appreciate outsiders looking in to tell me what this looks like and what (if anything) I can do?

It doesn't matter if it's labelled "abuse" or not, it's no way for you to live and not part of a healthy, loving relationship. And that's true for him as well as you.

I understand you are desperate for another baby and depend financially on him but this man is not the one you want as father to that baby and you should not be trading your (and his) happiness for a baby and money.

Seriously, get the relationship sorted, or leave.

@Purplewithred That's the problem. I don't know how to sort it, because I can't stop him from flying off the handle with me.

If he is ever stressed or worried, I offer him advice, love and support. He doesn't afford me the same treatment. He flies off the handle. No matter how many times I ask him to stay calm and lower his voice, it's like he can't.

I've never, ever restricted him in anyway. I cannot see at all how i've ruined his life. I support him in all of his decisions. I'm not needy, I tell him ALL of the time how proud he should be at what he's built. I give him praise that he rightly deserves. I can't see what i've done to be spoken to the way that I am, but will absolutely hold my hands up and say i'm not fully innocent, I know I can be hard work sometimes, but can't everyone? The difference being that I happily admit mistakes, apologise for them and work on improving myself. I would never intentionally hurt anyone or speak to someone I love so flippantly on a regular basis.

Your "d"p has absolutely no respect for you and doesn't even look as if he likes you. This is absolutely no way to live OP as he is making you miserable and desensitising you to what is very overt verbal abuse as well as emotional abuse.

Showing no empathy, responsibility or remorse for when he hurts you are major red flags. He will not change.

You really need to leave. Have you family or friends who you can stay with?

You are describing an abusive relationship. Abusers can often appear to be quite plausible to those in the outside world; image is all important to these men. It is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges. He does not act like this at all around other people like his mother or work colleagues; no it is solely for you that his abuse is directed at. You are being dragged down by him.

You write you are parents; what do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is this person already learning here?. Sound travels as well and this person is likely to be hearing every angry word this man spits at you. They will certainly pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here and see your reactions too.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see your dad treat your mum like this?. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you love about this man, his actions and words towards you are not at all loving ones. Are you yourself confusing love for him with codependency?. He will continue to drag both you and any children caught up also in this down with him.

I would contact Womens Aid asap (you can go to Boots and ask for ANI) and the Rights of Women as they can advise you further. This is not a relationship you should at all be in. Its over anyway because of the verbal and emotional abuse he dishes out; he wants absolute power and control over you.

What is the position re the property and finances?. Are you named on a tenency agreement or mortgage?.

I'm so sorry op. It is abuse and nothing to do with your IVF treatment. This sounds utterly awful to live with. Is there anywhere else you can go, at the very least for some space to think

He doesn't like you.You're handy to have around as a verbal punching bag for him to vent on, though.

He does not want your help and support; such men hate women and ALL of them at that starting in particular with their own mother.

What do you know about him in terms of his own family background; that often gives clues. He is certainly not the man you thought he was and that was an act he put on for your benefit as well, an act he could never at all be able to maintain.

This relationship is dead in the water and cannot be sorted. You need to rebuild your life without him in it. Abuse like you've described as well takes time, perhaps years even now, for you to recover from and your boundaries here have also taken a real pummelling at his hands. Your own recovery here from his abuses of you has not even begun yet.

Wow, thank you for the responses. It's such a relief to hear this isn't normal.

@AttilaTheMeerkat My mum and dad separated when I was 11. He was a womaniser, but he loved us kids very much and still does. My mum tried and tried, but he liked partying. My partner isn't in to partying, he's definitely not a womaniser and he is a very loving father. He's very different to my dad, not sure if that's significant?

I'm on the mortgage, but we are about to have major work done on the house and will be moving out for a while.

I can clearly see he doesn't like me. I often think how mad he would go if his father spoke to his mother the way he speaks to me. He loves his mum very much, so you'd think he would have more respect for me. We also have a daughter.

Reading this has made me sad OP as my exH used to say those things to me word for word, it's really struck accord with me. It is abuse and he won't stop. I feel once the boundaries are crossed then the abuser will keep doing it, their respect has gone. I imagine like me, you keep going because deep down you're scared what he's saying might be true? My self confidence was so low that I believed him and felt I didn't deserve any better.

I will tell you that you are worth so much more and don't deserve to live like this. I separated 18 months ago and I'm still affected by it, my self esteem is on the floor and probably always will be to some extent. A baby bought into this would not be good and keeps him in your life for the next 18 years at least. Please leave for your own sake as I promise it only gets worse as time goes by. Good luck

@AttilaTheMeerkat Wow, i’ve only just read your comment about his mother!! It was honestly like a light bulb came on today, I had the exact same thoughts about his mum and their relationship.

He appears to love her, always jumps to her defence, she can do no wrong, but he often makes comments about his elder brother and what a mummy’s boy he is and how much closer their mother was to him. She still is very close to her oldest son, and you would definitely think he’s “the favourite” And my partner knows it.

Please get away from him. He's a horrible abusive pig. He will make the rest of your like a misery X

Just remember you are showing your daughter what is acceptable in a relationship. I understand you’re desperate for another child, but that is not going to heal this destructive relationship.
Many say things in anger, I know I do but this is next level. Do you have somewhere you could go without him?

Your relationship with this man is over because of the abuse he metes out to you and in turn his child. Your partner has no respect for anyone and these types of men hate women, ALL of them.

He is not a loving father to his child if he treats you as her mother abusively. No no and no again.

You yourself learnt some pretty rubbish lessons about relationships when you were growing up and that's likely messed with your boundaries as well. History has a nasty habit of repeating itself and you seem like your mother here in that you've also tried and tried with this man to your detriment and to no avail. This is who he is and he is not going to change. Do not let your daughter here go on to further learn more damaging crap about relationships because this is no legacy to be at all leaving her. She deserves better as do you and I hope you have been given some tools today to start your plan of exit from this relationship.

He sounds like a horrible abusive cock tbh. I don't think the IVF has any bearing on his behaviour and he would have turned out like this anyway. You need to figure out what you're going to do next in terms of getting away from him.

Op he has absolurely no respect for you to be screaming at you the way he is. He will not change, your relationship is awful. He is abusing you, and this will only get worse. Do not bring another baby into this and you really need to get your daughter out.

@Mermaidwaves Thank you for replying. I’m so sorry that your confidence is so low. You are so brave to leave, i’m always in awe of women who can find the strength to go.

I’m so far in to this IVF. It’s so hard.

Another thing I didn’t mention - Everything is my fault. Absolutely everything. Little silly things, he’ll make a joke of “That happened because you didn’t do x,y or z” and then smile at me. Or if he forgets to do something I get “Well you should have reminded me” “You should have said... You should have done” He takes no responsibility ever for anything. It’s always somehow my fault.

He often reminds me that this is his house. He paid for majority if it. He pays for everything. He’s right though, I don’t have a leg to stand on there. What I will say though is that i’ve always worked hard, always been a very hands on mum, and always made this house a home, even if it isn’t mine, I feel it should be.

What would you say to your DD if you saw her DP treat her the way you are treated? Or to your DS if you saw him treat his DP the same way?

It's not right and it's not acceptable and if I were you I would seriously question why I am actively trying to bring another human being in to this toxic environment.

I just want to thank each and everyone of you for offering some words of wisdom and advice. I can't tell you how much it's appreciated.

@Newcastleteacake I would make my daughter pack her bags and come home, i'd also want to throttle her partner. If my DS treated his partner like this I would be shocked, heartbroken and utterly ashamed. I think i'd throttle him.

OP, it’s verbal and emotional abuse. He’s deliberately wearing you down. It’s why you think you can’t just pack a bag and leave with the DC. Which is what you need to do as soon as possible. Then file for divorce. He can cancel the house extension. You have a month to decide if you want to go forward with the embryo transfer and pregnancy.

Better yet, cancel the house extension and he still moves out as planned. Then you stay in the house with DC until it is sold and you have money from the divorce settlement to get a new place to live.

But you cannot continue as you are. It’s not going to get better.

@NYCDeli
Yes, everything was always my fault too, I caused his behaviour according to him. Its textbook abuse when I look back. I used to feel the same as you, envious of women strong enough to leave, I honestly thought I would be stuck forever. One day I just snapped though, I'd had enough and realised I couldn't take any more. This will come for you too, you are strong enough and you can do it. My exH was shocked because he too thought I would never end things but sometimes we are able to find an inner strength within and when the time is right, you will too.

You can't stop it - you can't control anyone else's behaviour but your own.

It chills me to the bone that you are seriously considering bringing another child into this shitstorm...how on EARTH do you think that's an acceptable thing to do? What you should be doing is running for the fucking hills and taking your existing child/children with you.

I repeat: YOU CANNOT STOP THIS BEHAVIOUR. Get your head out of your arse, stop the IVF and wake up to the reality.

'but sometimes we are able to find an inner strength within and when the time is right, you will too.'

@mermaidwaves never a truer word was spoken.

@noirchatsdeux I want to bring another child in to my life because I have so much love to give, I don't feel complete and I want a sibling, not to mention the emotional and financial commitment it's taken to get to this point. Why should his behaviour stop me from seeing this through? Surely I can do this alone if need be. To just give up on completing my family when i'm already pushing it age wise, not to mention my plethroa of fertility issues, it's sort of now or never.

You are not thinking straight OP nor are you being fair on any future child. He sounds so like my ex, it could be him. For years I thought I could never be free of him, it took a long time but I am now. I am just sorry for the wasted years.
The problem is with him and he will only get worse. Another child will bind you tighter to him. If you own half the property, sell the house and start again.A life with him is no life at all.

That sounds an awful way to live op. I’ve no real advice except it sounds very much like abuse. Any one who can be so foul to their partner and put them through that is abusing. I guarantee he wouldn’t speak to his worst enemy like that. Not at all acceptable.
By throwing the question out there and getting the responses you’ve got so far will hopefully give you strength to work out what you want to do next.
He needs to be made aware that that kind of talk is hard to get over. Maybe he gives a shit, maybe he doesn’t. But either way, it is abusive.