Hi,
Not really sure where to start here without going on and on, but I think I need some clarity and sort of need to know what to do next?
DP and I together for many years, we own a home together and we are parents. I'm coming towards the end of IVF treatment, embryo transfer is scheduled in the next month as i'd desperately like another baby.
I've used to work, have some of my own savings. I was a freelancer, doing fairly well for myself but unfortunately the work has dried up so i'm sort of a stay at home mum now (hate it, feel so vulnerable) Due to feeling so vulnerable I decided to retrain, so that's taking up a lot of my time. I'm close to qualifying and then will set up my own business - but I know this will take time and energy before I see great rewards, so it'll be a while before i'm earning, particularly as I want another child, so that will delay me a bit.
DP has his own Company, he earns good money. We don't share a bank account but he takes care of me financially. He pays for everything, but I do use my own savings occasionally too.
He's a great dad, hands on, but I do the lion's share, as well as helping him with his company and studying.
I just wanted to give some background before I go on.
Basically, he doesn't like me. It makes me feel so sad to type this because he's so brutal with his words.
I will hold my hands up and say i'm no angel. Infertility takes its toll and i've been a hormonal mess at times. I've been at this on and off for 6 years and sometimes I go scatty off the medication. I know i've not been the easiest person to live with at times but i'm really working on this and have made some major improvements. I've learned to sort of keep my feelings to myself as much as I can, because to be honest he's not very supportive and then if I get upset he erupts.
There's our problem - he erupts. If i'm having a bad day, or I have a moan, or I say something he doesn't agree with he just SCREAMS at me. His voice is so loud. The whole street must hear him. I feel like I can't be honest with my feelings because of his reaction.
The insults just roll off his tongue. The venom he spews is shocking. He's says things that are incredibly hurtful and very immature such as...
"You fat, saggy c*nt"
"I don't love you, I never have"
"You've ruined my life. If I never met you I wouldn't be living here, I'd be traveling the world"
"You're a shit mum"
"Look at the state of you, you are a fat mess"
"You will never be as good as me, look at the work you've put in over the years and you have nothing to show for it - ha"
"You're a bum. I pay for your entire life, you're a joke"
"You'll never have the success I have, you'll always be beneath me"
Honest to God, these are things he says regularly in an argument.
If I get upset and cry, he mimics me, tells me he has no sympathy for me and that i'm pathetic etc...He also often says derogatory things about my family during an argument. It's incredibly immature.
I've lost it this morning. I was crying and he was mimicking me and I just saw red. I flew at him. I have smashed my coffee machine up and just absolutely lost it. I said some terrible things in retaliation. Bare in mind i'm knee deep in IVF meds so this will play a part, but i'm also sick of being spoken to this way, I have to react if i'm hurt this deeply. I need him to see what he's doing to me. I need him to change. It's so immature and so nasty, and his voice is so loud.
In a nutshell, if I get stressed, or angry, or upset, instead of supporting me he just goes ape shit. His reaction to me is extreme, it's not normal. I always ask him to lower his voice, but he won't. Sometimes i'll then scream back when I can't take anymore, not all of the time, but sometimes - I then instantly regret it.
The thing is, i'm sort of in a very vulnerable position. I am not earning money. I couldn't afford to go and rent a place. I have no income yet, and my savings would last all of 3 months. We are about to start a double extension on our house and everything is just stressful right now.
I sort of don't know if this is some kind of abuse? I know it's wrong. I know if my children were spoken to like this, or spoke to their partner like this that I would be heartbroken, but I don't know if this is classed as some kind of mental abuse because I can often hold my own and I can be difficult to live with sometimes.
If this is abuse, well, what can I do? I have nowhere else to go and it'll be a while before i'm earning decent money.
I do love him, and everyone thinks he's a fantastic guy, he has many amazing qualities but the top and bottom of it is, is that he will always speak to me this way. He never shows any remorse. He obviously doesn't have any respect for me and things escalate VERY quickly, because of him, he escalates them. He won't talk calmly to me, no matter how many times I ask him to.
I honestly don't know what to do and would really appreciate outsiders looking in to tell me what this looks like and what (if anything) I can do?