Why don’t I love her?

[PHINES02]

Hi, I’ve lurked threads as a single dad and have seen good advice so thought I would ask here as I can’t really ask my mates...

So I met this lovely girl through friends years ago, I always thought she was beautiful. We finally went on a date about a year ago. We hit it off straight away. She’s smart, beautiful, family oriented, our sex life is amazing, we laugh together none stop, she supports me, she listens to me.

She’s a really great person, but I don’t feel head over heels in love. Thinking to past relationships, I felt stronger feelings for my exes. She does have some faults but not enough to make me not love her. We were out the other day and a man approached her, and I felt jealousy. She’s told me she loves me, and I told her back because I didn’t know what else to say. I know not every relationship is the be all and end all. But I’m just curious why I don’t feel this way towards her. We do have an amazing connection and our relationship scared me because of how ‘committed’ it seemed. I don’t know whether to try harder or let her go

I am older than you, unsure if wiser but know the two types of love you are talking about. I had that kind of crazy drama filled love with my ex, we broke up 26 years ago and we were together for 10 exhausting years. I now have a very steady reliable predictable love with DH, it’s been 23 years now. I needed that 3 year gap to recover.

I had a very drama filled childhood. My Mother was married four times and dragged her children not just around this country but also to South Africa and this was when apartheid was at it’s worse. Her last husband was also an alcoholic.

I was a trade unionist when I was younger, that created a very volatile life with both management and my own members getting annoyed as you can’t satisfy everyone. You go in to negotiate a pay rise for almost 1.5k people, there is no way everyone will be happy with the outcome. I also did martial arts, mountaineering and climbing trees.

My friend is a psychologist, she is actually an expert with over two decades experience. We have had many a discussion about patterns in our own and others relationships. She said my choices when younger were a clear indication of my extremely volatile childhood. I was basically an adrenalin junkie.

I always think that love is not enough for a long relationship it’s all about compatibility. Maybe you had a lovely stable childhood and my experience makes no sense.

From what I’ve understood you love her but not ‘in love’. Sometimes that feeling of infatuation or being crazy in love doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right relationship.
Things seem to be going really well with this girl from what you have said.
How would you feel if she was no longer in your life?

Such excellent advice here.
Maybe the answer is much simpler: perhaps you’re just not ready at the moment for a relationship and you need some time on your own.

You often hear about people who feel that they are no longer (or never have been) 'in love' with their partners. Usually this is after some time, or because the relationship is more like a platonic brother/sister thing with no sexual attraction.

This... 'I always thought she was beautiful. We finally went on a date about a year ago. We hit it off straight away. She’s smart, beautiful, family oriented, our sex life is amazing, we laugh together none stop, she supports me, she listens to me'
Does not sound like a platonic thing.

If people were to list what they wants in a relationship, it would usually boil down to some fairly straightforward things:

Someone you find attractive and enjoy sex with
Mutual support and care for one another
Fun and laughter
Similar goals and outlook
Shared interests

Which of these is missing here? The 'spark' is the chemical bit that makes us jump into something so that we can find the things on the list. Before, you have had the spark, but not the other bits and it hasn't worked.

This time, you have all the ingredients, but the intensity is missing. I get why people want the intensity because it's exhilarating and exciting, but it's a chemical reaction that you can have with a countless number of people for a short period of time.

The important part is the list.

Which is not to say that you have to settle if you aren't feeling it, but you haven't said 'I don't fancy her' or 'I don't really like a part of her personality'. You clearly think she's a great person.

So maybe it's your definition of 'love' that you need to consider. What does it mean to you?

This is the problem with having a word that can mean countless different things. We love in different ways all the time.

So what does it mean to you?

Also, without meaning to be an armchair psychologist, I think people's experiences of love can be shaped so much by how they experience love and attachment in early relationships.

Sometimes people who have had inconsistent love, see that push-pull as real love. Love is intermittently reinforced so there is a constant vigilance about when they are going to get a 'hit' - a psychological reward when it comes and then a low as it's withdrawn again.

That cycle makes the love feel exciting because it's unpredictable.

If the love you receive is consistent, steady, constant and reliable then you won't feel that reward cycle. It is just there. That's what healthy love is. (I think, anyway)

Maybe a 6 week break in seeing and speaking to one another, just to give a little space to see how you really feel?

Sometimes when you look on paper everything adds up and it should work but something is missing. It just doesn’t work. The missing X factor and you can’t define it. If you are honest About your feelings I would say let her go. You like her a lot/love her but you aren’t in love. You should let her go and allow her to find someone that does feel that way about her.

The other explanation may be is that as you mature you may not fall ‘head over heels in love/lust’ . You have been through relationships/break ups and learn from those.

You know what strikes me about that paragraph lifeissweet has quoted, is that's it's all about what she does for him.

Does OP listen to her, support her, go out of his way to do lovely things for her, wish her to have the most wonderful life possible? Is her happiness her top priority, after his child?

She sounds like an objectively perfect girlfriend. A really well-adjusted, funny, kind, interesting, thoughtful, all round lovely person.

Almost as if she's making everything too easy for OP. 'All' he had to do was get together with her and this perfect relationship, offering all the normally desirable opportunities for progression, was presented to him on a plate.

I wonder if it feels too much too soon, in the sense that there has been little challenge or negotiation required, to reach this 'perfect' point?

And/or, whether she is too perfect, too mature in terms of stage of life and approach to relationships, for him, at the moment?

Maybe you need to kiss a few more frogs OP, and/or work through a few feelings of your own, before you work out who you really are, so what you can offer anyone, what you really want and who you really want?

Maybe she'd be better off with someone who already knows themselves better and is ready for a serious, settling down together relationship?

My guess, based on the little you've given us, is that you feel that she probably isn't 'the one' for you because you know, deep down, that you are not the right one, for her.

Oops, 'is her happiness his top priority...

Could you be scared of a healthy relationship or maybe this relationship is making you feel a bit off as the previous one was chaotic?

I would really reflect on it. Maybe you are a more mature now and attract a different kind of person? Are you scared of having a drama less relationship?

I've known quite a few men who have had similar issues. Everything on paper but something missing. Beautiful, sexy and non demanding women who were just lovely and also each women was very much in love with them. Actually doe-eyed in love. Each one had long term non committal relationships with the women then left them (each women was absolutely devastated) for less perfect on paper, demanding women who they have gone on to marry and have children with. Whatever "love" is it certainly doesn't worry about a check list. It's either there or it's not.

whichwayisup yes those men bounce off uncertainty, drama, enjoy the challenge etc it can be explained

Who did the beautiful women end up with?

People are saying such interesting things on this thread. It seems full of insights I have certainly learned from too.

You could make a list of values and attributes that you’re looking for in a partner and rate this versus previous relationships. You might find that you are prioritising excitement or spark or drama above other things. You can keep chasing the crazy love or recognise healthier attributes in a relationship and get your drama somewhere else (sky diving or something). Having said this, if you find this partner isn’t ticking your boxes, let her go for both your sakes.

Tornfuture, it is the men who I am friends with or related to so I've not kept up with the women. I know that two of the women were quite devastated and broken by it, mainly because the break up and then the new relationship was within a few months. I honestly think it's very unfair for men or women to stay in a relationship with someone they know they don't love especially when they know the other half is all in. The men are happy in the marriages. It's not like they've left for drama or anything it's just an observation that ticking all the boxes doesn't mean anything. Who knows what it is that makes us fall in love but if it's not there then don't waste the other person's time/life. Let's put it this way... If you were honest with this women and told her what you've told Mumsnet, do you think she would stay? Who wants to be with someone who doesn't really love them?

@KarmaIsAnAngel

What else do people do if they suspect cheating? 😳 The main thing you'd do is look for evidence to see if you're correct. Have you ever been cheated on? Have you been told by your partner that you're crazy for even thinking they'd go near another woman and therefore start to feel crazy, when really they are actually cheating? It's awful. Any kind of gaslighting is awful. It's mind games to make you feel crazy.

My point is that most people don't "act crazy" unless they're put in unsettling situations. You do get really insecure people, too, so I get it, but I'm just pointing out that it's easy for someone to say "my ex was crazy" than, "I was a complete mind fuck of an asshole to her and she didn't take it well."