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Original poster

Why don’t I love her?

91 replies

PHINES02 · 07/05/2021 07:14

Hi, I’ve lurked threads as a single dad and have seen good advice so thought I would ask here as I can’t really ask my mates...

So I met this lovely girl through friends years ago, I always thought she was beautiful. We finally went on a date about a year ago. We hit it off straight away. She’s smart, beautiful, family oriented, our sex life is amazing, we laugh together none stop, she supports me, she listens to me.

She’s a really great person, but I don’t feel head over heels in love. Thinking to past relationships, I felt stronger feelings for my exes. She does have some faults but not enough to make me not love her. We were out the other day and a man approached her, and I felt jealousy. She’s told me she loves me, and I told her back because I didn’t know what else to say. I know not every relationship is the be all and end all. But I’m just curious why I don’t feel this way towards her. We do have an amazing connection and our relationship scared me because of how ‘committed’ it seemed. I don’t know whether to try harder or let her go

OP posts:
CervixHaver · 07/05/2021 15:46

@PermanentTemporary

I don't really understand the distinction between 'love' and 'in love'.
Hmm Really? Massive difference
PermanentTemporary · 07/05/2021 15:49

Is there? I'm just not sure you can put romantic relationships into two boxes like that. There's about a million variations that fit under 'love'.

Tomyoneandonly · 07/05/2021 16:00

Op I think past experiences have clouded your emotions towards love. We all feel love on a different level. Maybe you really love her and scared to tell her as fear takes over and its not on the serface you said you are a single dad. I met a single dad he can be quite distant and he doesn't tell me he loves he just expects me to know. I don't know though. We have been together for 20years. If everything is their love isn't the main thing as we are all supposed to love each other. To feel explosions when you meet someone almost always it ends with a big bang and you end up broken. I think you both sound like the perfect match. Love can also grow over time which makes love more true and secure. Maybe she is blocking you from saying it. Im guilty of that. I don't want to hear it.

Sakurami · 07/05/2021 16:21

I find the most intense relationships have been the ones where there are attachments issues. More drama etc.

RantyAnty · 07/05/2021 17:32

You sound like you're developing the mature kind of love, the kind that lasts.

Do you enjoy her company? Do you look forward to seeing her? Does having her in your life make you feel happier? Can you see you both as a team? How would you feel if she was ill? Would you want to care for her? When you think about future plans, do they include her?

Try examing those for a bit.

The giddy feelings are fun but they're usually short lived and end up a trainwreck.

cookiecreampie · 07/05/2021 18:16

@RantyAnty

You sound like you're developing the mature kind of love, the kind that lasts.

Do you enjoy her company? Do you look forward to seeing her? Does having her in your life make you feel happier? Can you see you both as a team? How would you feel if she was ill? Would you want to care for her? When you think about future plans, do they include her?

Try examing those for a bit.

The giddy feelings are fun but they're usually short lived and end up a trainwreck.

It seems the opposite to me. He doesn't love her. "Mature" love doesn't have to mean that you give up on excitement, lust and fun for it to be real. You can feel comfortable with someone you've been with for years whilst also keeping the spark alive and fancying them like mad.
Amotherlife · 07/05/2021 18:54

You have doubts - that's what stands out to me. Analysing what love or in love means won't help really. Can you imagine life without her? Does it "feel right"? I imagine not or you wouldn't have posted. I've been in relationships where I wished I loved them as they were perfect in so many ways. And I was never as madly in love with my now DH as I was with his predecessor. But he was a better fit for me and I didn't yearn for something better. (That said, a part of my heart still belongs to the ex, even though I didnt feel the same about him when we split up......)

KarmaIsAnAngel · 07/05/2021 19:08

I’m really fascinated by some of the responses on this thread, and people who don’t differentiate between loving and being in love. And the idea that at a year in, this could just be that it’s developed into ‘mature love’, that it’s healthier as it doesn’t have fireworks.

It seems absolutely crystal clear to me that he isn’t in love, wishes he felt differently but hasn’t been able to make himself do so, and that it’s a fear of being the bad guy or maybe not wanting to lose the comfort of a relationship that’s giving him pause instead of just ending it.

Not saying I’m right or anyone else is wrong, it’s just interesting. I mean at the very least this woman deserves better than a man who doesn’t actually love her.

Original poster
PHINES02 · 07/05/2021 19:08

Wow. Sorry I’ve been at work all day. Thank you for all your replies. I am 30 so I’m not sure age has anything to do with it. We do have fun, there’s chemistry. It’s not boring at all, I do look forward to seeing her.

I suppose I hadn’t really thought these things, stupid of course but we had just been going along. I wouldn’t of introduced her to my son unless I saw a future with her in it. It’s not that it feels wrong, I just was expecting it to feel like fireworks. I do feel lucky for her to be in my life but I don’t feel like she’s the best thing that ever happened to me? Is that bad

OP posts:
KarmaIsAnAngel · 07/05/2021 19:11

@PHINES02

Wow. Sorry I’ve been at work all day. Thank you for all your replies. I am 30 so I’m not sure age has anything to do with it. We do have fun, there’s chemistry. It’s not boring at all, I do look forward to seeing her.

I suppose I hadn’t really thought these things, stupid of course but we had just been going along. I wouldn’t of introduced her to my son unless I saw a future with her in it. It’s not that it feels wrong, I just was expecting it to feel like fireworks. I do feel lucky for her to be in my life but I don’t feel like she’s the best thing that ever happened to me? Is that bad

I think it shows there is something missing.

If it was just a calm, stable love then you’d know that and be happy with it, instead of asking why you don’t love her.

Personally I think you need the initial fireworks and infatuation to really bond you and see you through the hard times.

Can you picture being with her in ten years time, with your son as her stepchild, living together, maybe marrying and having kids if either of you want that? Or would you always feel you were missing out and like you were just missing something between you? Do you feel like you could happily decide today that you’d be happy only being with her for good?

The best relationships imo are when both people feel like they’ve bagged someone amazing and feel very lucky to have found them.

TatianaBis · 07/05/2021 19:34

The point of life is not to find love but to find the blocks to love within oneself.

Gymsmile21 · 07/05/2021 20:50

I think your stringing her along. You don’t love her but you also don’t have the balls to be the bad guy and end it.

She deserves better.

Your son is the best thing to happen to you.

Norabatty40 · 07/05/2021 21:08

I dont really get it. You are not in love, surely she is simply just not the one for you? Maybe you had the crazy real love before and your new relationship looks now a bit boring? Who knows. Be kind and just end it. You cant fake love. Something is obviously missing.

MsMeNz · 07/05/2021 21:10

Ok two ideas here.. I had a guy like this in my life in my early twenties, we got on very well, he was fit, intelligent, very kind and we were compatible in physical ways. However there was just this missing peice for me of that "zing" if we were in a culture where we had an arranged marriage I think honestly we would have had a lovely life, making each other laugh, being there together to see each other through highs and lows as partners through life.

However I'd come off the back of a 3 year lust filled dysfunctional relationship with another guy where it was like we were just dynamite physically together like my BNA really really want to have babies with him I think but I struggled to hold an intelligent conversation with him. I think this early lust filled relationship and maybe a few other brief ones ruined my earlier views o. What if takes for a marriage or long term relationship to work.

In the end met someone knew who was a mix of the two extremes and after three kids and 15 years we are less lust filled and more like the chilled relationship afore mentioned.

So since most relationships end up that way maybe you are seeking the early thrills that for most ppl goes away in the first year or two the honeymoon period you maybe always seeking that. But for vast majority those hormone bonding periods don't last much beyond btahg and what you are left with should be steadier and sturdier and make each other laugh, ther for each other, decent sex etc. So either keep chasing be the hoensymoon feelings or maybe there just isn't that spark at all despite you wishing there was. Good luck.

Tornfuture123 · 07/05/2021 23:18

Following with interest.

ScrollingLeaves · 07/05/2021 23:47

“Thinking to past relationships, I felt stronger feelings for my exes.”

Well as you have said they are exes. So those strong feelings can’t have meant that much.

Love isn’t a gushing feeling of being in love.

Please do not take this as being unkindly meant, but you seem immature. My concern is for your DP.

FluffyMcWuffy · 08/05/2021 00:33

Just to put another perspective out there, I do wonder if after having a child the ability to fall in love changes. I am a mother of 2 and if you asked me if I felt my husband was the best thing that ever happened to me I would say no, my children are. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, am so grateful that I am married to him however, if i had had them and then met him, I am pretty sure that I would not have let my emotions run away with me or expect the fireworks that is so often portrayed in the movies. Of course I would still want to be extremely happy in his company, have a laugh with him and love the bones off him but would i expect that initial infatuation period which hopefully if you are lucky turns into a slow burn type of love, I am not sure. i also wonder if you have been a bit scarred by previous relationships so are being very guarded and not letting yourself fall in love with her, possibly because subconsciously you know that you would have to make yourself vulnerable again. You sound as though your exes have been quite unsuitable. You may have an unhealthy model of relationships from your younger years and now you are seeing something different and healthier you may again feel vulnerable about it all.

RLEOM · 08/05/2021 00:41

May I ask why your last ex felt the need to stalk you when you were together? The only women I know to have stalked their partner was because they were sure their partner was cheating/flirting with other women and they were right every time. I don't think someone secure in their relationship would do this.

As for your current partner. You feel you're missing the spark. The zing. Whatever you want to call it. Maybe you two haven't fully progressed passed friendship?

KarmaIsAnAngel · 08/05/2021 08:11

@RLEOM

May I ask why your last ex felt the need to stalk you when you were together? The only women I know to have stalked their partner was because they were sure their partner was cheating/flirting with other women and they were right every time. I don't think someone secure in their relationship would do this.

As for your current partner. You feel you're missing the spark. The zing. Whatever you want to call it. Maybe you two haven't fully progressed passed friendship?

This is victim blaming. Have you never known anyone in an abusive relationship? Unfortunately people don’t only stalk when they suspect cheating.

I’m not usually one for ‘NAMALT’ but it has to be said: would you think this was an appropriate thing to say to a woman who was stalked by her ex?

Tornfuture123 · 08/05/2021 08:41

Please do not take this as being unkindly meant, but you seem immature. My concern is for your DP.

I agree with this. OP, I am not trying to be unkind. I find many men want a woman who amazes them, to feel head over heels, best thing that’s happened to them etc. That usually means infatuation. That isn’t real love. And it isn’t sustainable. But some men seem to need it more than what really matters which is two people with similar values, enjoying each other’s company, having each others backs, and sharing and building a life together. That’s far more beautiful and meaningful - someone accepting you and loving you for who you are. Rather than the high intensity feeling of being head over heels. I do believe it’s a maturity thing and some men don’t figure out what’s really important until their 40s. Just something to consider. What if you split up and don’t find another woman who half measures up to your DP. And the novelty of fake and fleeting feelings wears off. That being said, if your heart isn’t in this, it’s far better to end it as it’s not fair on your DP who does sound like a catch and too good for you.

Blueskytoday06 · 08/05/2021 08:46

Let her go ....she deserves the opportunity to find someone that truly loves her. And frees you to do the same.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 08/05/2021 09:02

I stuck my 5p-worth in earlier about love growing differently between me and my partner - we were both exhausted and a bit traumatised when we met so it took us a while to settle into a relationship where we weren't upset. Being happy together almost all the time is a pretty good petri-dish for love to grow in and things are working out nicely for us.

Having thought about it some more, OP, this doesn't sound as if it is where you are with your girlfriend. I was really surprised to read that you are only 30! Your original post gave the impression that you were older. At 30, there's no way I would have put up with a boyfriend who wasn't certain he loved me, right from the get-go.

It doesn't sound as if you are being fair to your girlfriend, really. She deserves to be properly loved and have a chance for a family with someone who is certain, and if she's 30 too, you will damage her chances of that if you dither for too long.

I think you may find in later years that you think of her as the one that got away, but you probably should let her get away - with lots of generosity on your part but also real clarity and certainty, no going back and forth. Think hard, be sure, then act decisively and don't mess her around.

Wishingandwishing · 08/05/2021 09:09

I think the jealousy you felt was the drama you seem to need. I don't think it was a statement of your love for her.

aSofaNearYou · 08/05/2021 09:39

I agree with this. OP, I am not trying to be unkind. I find many men want a woman who amazes them, to feel head over heels, best thing that’s happened to them etc. That usually means infatuation. That isn’t real love. And it isn’t sustainable. But some men seem to need it more than what really matters which is two people with similar values, enjoying each other’s company, having each others backs, and sharing and building a life together. That’s far more beautiful and meaningful - someone accepting you and loving you for who you are. Rather than the high intensity feeling of being head over heels. I do believe it’s a maturity thing and some men don’t figure out what’s really important until their 40s.

I have to say I thought similar to this. I have known SO many men that seem to really, really struggle with the idea of settling down. I'm about OPs age and amongst the men of this generation it is very much "the enemey", comments about being under the thumb are constantly thrown around as if the ideal is to stay single and able to move onto the next girl as easily and often as possible. Men wrestling with the fact they love someone, but for some reason don't want to be and don't feel it would satisfy them. OP has even mentioned commitment issues a couple of times, which has always been code for all this amongst men I have known and known of. I don't know whether it's living in a more sexually liberated society, availability of choice (OLD etc) or unrealistic expectations set by the fiction we consume, probably a bit of all three, but (and yes I know it's a generalisation) young men these days always seem to be looking for more - more women, more fireworks, more excitement.

I'm not saying OP is definitely one of the more annoying, deliberate time wasters amongst those (of which there are sadly many) but I do think he may have subconsciously bought into that culture, and be forever looking to be wowed, and judging whether what he has is "enough" for him. Bristling at commitment, and the natural changes that happen as initial infatuation wears off. It's very common.

I think OP might be misguided in thinking love is "supposed to be" more exciting than this, and could risk throwing away a good thing. That said, I think he should, because some people just need to figure all this out on their own and might come to that epiphany when they're older. In the meantime, this woman deserves a man that doesn't have all these doubts.

Tornfuture123 · 08/05/2021 09:53

aSofaNearYou 💯 spot on