Why don’t I love her?

[PHINES02]

Hi, I’ve lurked threads as a single dad and have seen good advice so thought I would ask here as I can’t really ask my mates...

So I met this lovely girl through friends years ago, I always thought she was beautiful. We finally went on a date about a year ago. We hit it off straight away. She’s smart, beautiful, family oriented, our sex life is amazing, we laugh together none stop, she supports me, she listens to me.

She’s a really great person, but I don’t feel head over heels in love. Thinking to past relationships, I felt stronger feelings for my exes. She does have some faults but not enough to make me not love her. We were out the other day and a man approached her, and I felt jealousy. She’s told me she loves me, and I told her back because I didn’t know what else to say. I know not every relationship is the be all and end all. But I’m just curious why I don’t feel this way towards her. We do have an amazing connection and our relationship scared me because of how ‘committed’ it seemed. I don’t know whether to try harder or let her go

Is it something to do with age? I’m 48 and started dating a guy a year ago after being single for nearly 10 years. It’s very different to my previous relationship - he is kind, funny, I am attracted to him, and like another poster said, there is no drama. I am ten years older and wiser than his predecessor. And I love him. It’s not the head spinning excitement of when I was young, but it’s deeper in a way, and I do see us as having a future. I’ve had to adjust to this new way of feeling, but it’s still very positive. If she ended it tomorrow for no reason how would you feel? Would you miss her?

One of the odd things I have found about having had a really significant break up (divorce) and it's effect on my next relationship is that the absolute turmoil and awfulness of that relationship ending sort of programmed me to believe that those very strong distressed feelings are what love is, and the calmness of my current relationship in the beginning made it feel less important and somehow lacking. My partner had similar feelings as he had been widowed and both of us felt initially that something was missing. We are still together six years later and are just really happy and we do love each other. It just took a while to realise that we didn't need to create drama for it to be important.

This might not be anything like what you are going through! But do consider whether you are happy together - that might be what loving her feels like.

I think the drama of your ex was attractive in some way. She was fiery etc Being in a rollercoaster relationship can intensify feelings but no one can really live like that long term.
Why don’t you have some space from her, see if you miss her ? I don’t know how much time you spend with her but sometimes you need to miss someone to realise your feelings.
If you still feel the same it’s probably best to then end it. Some poor lady on here was with someone 5 years and he kept saying he loved her and then admitted he never really had. It was a very sad thread and she was devastated.

My final thought on this...
OP you've come on here looking for advice because you want to know what to do. Similarly you are looking for that strong feeling of love so that you have certainty over what to do, so that you can know whether this person is right for you. Humans love certainty. We don't want to have to deal with difficult problems and decisions like this. You've found yourself in a situation where there are no strong indicators of what to do. Suddenly it's YOU that has to decide. That's an amazing place to be in... Maybe even a place of growth if you're willing to step into that responsibility and stop looking for easy answers.

Exactly that @ElizabethinherGermanGarden. It can be very odd stepping into a quiet place after a roaring storm.

I don’t think you should end it. My relationship started the same way and in fact it took me 2 years to feel ‘in love’. I too had been used to chaotic relationships and my current one felt lacking.
I think I was guarded and afraid unconsciously. When things got to breaking point, I realised he was by far my best relationship and I’d be crazy to let it go. We’re due to be married in July and I’ve never been happier.
It could turn out this way for you too. Be patient with yourself.

I had 17 years of drama in my marriage, I'm 3 years out now and in a relationship which started as FWB.
Its weird because there is no drama and at times I find it boring but then I remember that most people live like this.
Drama creates adrenaline and cortisol production and its addictive.

I'm 19 mths with my boyfriend and we've not said we love each other. I know I really, really like him but I'm so unsure about what love is after what my husband did that I'm not even thinking about love. My husband claimed to love me but had years of emotional affairs so he didn't really love me.
My boyfriend was also cheated on in his last relationship and is very guarded, I have no doubt he likes me and he definitely cares about me.
Being in love doesn't change our relationship.

I dont think you should end it yet either, I think you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to feel a certain way, but with your ex the drama was probably exciting in a strange way, this new person has come in to your life, she sounds calmer etc amd therefore you're not getting the highs and lows of a your last relationship you're getting a more level relationship, possibly a more mature one. If you're happy with her I wouldn't throw it away yet, sit with the uncertainty, don't over analyse, just enjoy your time together and see what happens.

This is a very interesting thread. I agree with a PP, that you perhaps were infatuated with previous girlfriends, instead of being in love, which is why this feels different. I have felt that infatuated feeling with every relationship, including my current fiancé, however previous relationships fizzled out or ended in drama, whereas my relationship with my fiancé sounds like your current relationship and I am in love..but that infatuation does lessen once the honeymoon period is over. However, I still get butterflies every now and then when we aren’t so focused on daily life x

I am totally and completely 'in love' with my DP. It's been right for both of us from the beginning
I don't think everyone knows right away, but I would imagine that after a year of being together you would be feeling something much stronger than care. Especially since you can see all of her great qualities.

I don't know 'why' you don't love her. But I don't think any stronger feelings are going to emerge over time. You haven't done this on purpose. You've tried but the feelings aren't there. That's ok.

I would have the conversation with her about this. I think the best thing for you both would be to end the relationship op

I would think that on paper something is perfect so you should feel that way too - but it’s not always the case.
You get in great etc , no worries or concerns. You have a choice. is this a slow burn to the love you want to and hope you will feel, or do you cut your losses now and end it. Ask yourself how you would feel without her. Would you miss her terribly and pine for her? Would you take a bullet for her? You may actually love her dearly but are not ‘in love’. Chances are this may come later. How have past relationships been? Are you particularly scared of being hurt? Are you therefore subconsciously holding back? Do you trust her implicitly?

I don't trust myself if I am 'in love' as I always seem to get that feeling for the wrong people. I would be far happier to be with someone I just enjoyed being with who I found attractive.

This was me before my current DP. Always lusting over the wrong men.
My DP before me was in a LT with the girl he thought he'd be with (he was settling for less than worth for easiness) and they were engaged.
We both had an unhealthy view of love. Now together, I think it is fundamental that you are both evenly in love and in the right place

It would be unfair to her to keep the relationship going you don't love her the way she does you. It's also unfair to yourself to settle in a relationship you are not completely fulfilled with

The thought of your girlfriend with another man is in your case your ego. Its definitely a man thing which brings out that alpha male response.
I had a 'convenient' relationship for 4 years with someone that wasn't the love of my life but like you we rocked along well. I guess I held back because she'd had a history of infedelity in her previous relationships. It sort of came to an end and with a week she was dating a guy from work.
Bit to close for therev not to have been an overlap.
Yes I felt jealous, slightly emasculated but that's how we are as men.
You have to ask yourself do you see a proper future with this girl, do you see her in your life 5/10 years down the line.
Its kinder to be honest, put your ego to one side and let her go.

Truly , madly, deeply is something that grows over time. Being ‘in love’ is a deep desire but as you have found it does not bond you long term to the person nor does it necessarily mean that the relationship is good. If all your previous relationships have followed this pattern then you have probably never moved on to the next stage.
In a long term relationship you experience love and being in love alternatively.
Being in love connects us temporarily, loving someone bonds us. When you analyse it scientifically it’s down to chemicals in our brain. A slow burning love will sustain your relationship far longer allowing stability to raise children. Quick ‘being in love’ are more of a try before you buy relationships, when the chemicals go back to normal you either still love or reject.

"Girl"? Yuk.

Something wrong with the word girl?!

If he said guy would that have made it better for you?

Move over!.

You need to end it.

After a year you know you’re not in love with her, you’re trying to convince yourself to be in love with her cos she’s a good person and you have a nice time and don’t want to hurt her. But you know it doesn’t have a future and that’s okay! That’s what dating is for, to see if you’re compatible, and you’re not because you just don’t have the depth of feeling for her you’d need to have for a long term relationship.

I suspect you’ve avoided ending it because you don’t want to hurt her, you’re trying to force yourself to love her because wouldn’t it be easy to settle down with this great person? But you can’t force it and if you’re already having these doubts after a year it isn’t right and you owe it to both of you to break up and move on.

Little story for you, I had a thing in my early twenties with a guy I really wanted to be in love with, everything worked on paper and he was crazy about me. I wanted to want him so much. But I just didn’t and no amount of time or trying to convince myself could generate emotions that just weren’t there. A decade later I still have bad dreams occasionally where I’m in a relationship with him, someone I don’t love, wondering how to extricate myself and feeling lonely and trapped. It’s better to be single than in a relationship that just isn’t right. You won’t have the grounding that would see you both through hard times.

Imagine this time next month, you’ve ended it today and she was hurt and upset but you both knew it was over and decided to cut contact and heal. How do you feel? Relief I bet.

*@Magnificentmug12
Whaaaaatttt? As adult females we usually go by 'woman'.

That initial butterflies in the stomach infatuation is a kind of madness. Some people get addicted to that loved-up chemical high and flit from one infatuation to another. You may not be pure flitter but I wonder whether you've become a bit accustomed to the drunken rollercoaster drama of those early ups and downs?

I think sometimes the spark is there at the beginning and continues as the relationship broadens and deepens. Sometimes it emerges or grows as a relationship develops. There isn't one right answer about that.

I find the way you describe jealousy interesting, as if it signifies love. I think it signifies possessiveness, a desire to control another person and a distrust of that person, based on insecurity about what they feel for you. That combined with a basic desire for status and power.

You may be projecting your own uncertainty onto her, so imagining she'll go off with someone else. Or emotionally acknowledging that the whole relationship is uncertain. If you knew she loved you, that there was love at the centre of your relationship, you wouldn't have any concerns about her spending time with other men, because you'd know she's interested only in you.

If you are actually a fundamentally jealous, controlling person, that's another story and she should run for the hills.

If not, you need to decide whether there is something here that could grow into love or not. Give it a reasonable go, for a while but not too long, which should include being honest with her, at least not lying to her. Don't string her along.

Ultimately, don't waste her time. If she's not for you, let her go. The worst, most destructive thing you could possibly do, is keep her hanging on for years as Miss 'Good enough for now', while you wait for Miss Right to come along.

Tbh I think you should end it, but that's largely because with a child in the mix and an ex who you compare your love for to her, she's putting up with a lot and deserves someone who thinks better of her.

You can't help it if the feelings aren't there but you should be honest as it's not fair to string her along. The longer you do this for, the more it's going to hurt her in the long run.

I was with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. I asked him in February how he felt about me because he's not one for talking about emotions and feelings. I was devastated when he said he'd never been in love with me. I felt used and strung along for all those years. If you're not feeling it, please tell her sooner rather than later. I was heartbroken. I couldn't believe someone could do this.

Is it a case of you don’t really want her, but you don’t want somebody else to have her either ?

Interesting one..
I had a situation where I:
Fancied him
Respected him
Trusted him

Yet I could never say I loved him.

As we were both looking for serious relationship, it did feel like going towards 'pre-arranged marriage' where we felt we were a good match.

Then I had a crush on someone and took me about a second to drop the 'perfect match' .

Sometimes I regret... life is not about love only... you need to work well together as no love will help. I say this now as older and wiser.

OP you need to take some time to apart and see how you feel.