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Original poster

Why don’t I love her?

91 replies

PHINES02 · 07/05/2021 07:14

Hi, I’ve lurked threads as a single dad and have seen good advice so thought I would ask here as I can’t really ask my mates...

So I met this lovely girl through friends years ago, I always thought she was beautiful. We finally went on a date about a year ago. We hit it off straight away. She’s smart, beautiful, family oriented, our sex life is amazing, we laugh together none stop, she supports me, she listens to me.

She’s a really great person, but I don’t feel head over heels in love. Thinking to past relationships, I felt stronger feelings for my exes. She does have some faults but not enough to make me not love her. We were out the other day and a man approached her, and I felt jealousy. She’s told me she loves me, and I told her back because I didn’t know what else to say. I know not every relationship is the be all and end all. But I’m just curious why I don’t feel this way towards her. We do have an amazing connection and our relationship scared me because of how ‘committed’ it seemed. I don’t know whether to try harder or let her go

OP posts:
Itsoverpeople · 07/05/2021 07:24

How committed were you to your ex girlfriends? Maybe it’s the thought of commitment rather than your girlfriend that is the issue?

Original poster
PHINES02 · 07/05/2021 07:26

Well my last ex, I was really in love. We had plans for the future, we were going to move in together. With my current girlfriend she’s around my son, but we haven’t spoken about moving in.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 07/05/2021 07:27

Love isn't a tick box exercise.

And don't say you love someone when you dont- that's being dishonest, and is ultimately hurtful.

If you don't feel the same, end it!

Faerysmoke · 07/05/2021 07:29

You had strong 'in love' feelings in your previous relationships but it sounds like these didn't work out?

PermanentTemporary · 07/05/2021 07:30

I wish I had wise advice.

I do think that past experiences have an effect. I've been seeing someone for 6 months (obviously quite a bit of that was remote) and am really enjoying it, and him. We've both been saying 'I love you' but I'm actually worried that I am saying it without really meaning it. The fact is that I'm a widow, and my husband's illness and the process of losing him scarred me very deeply. I am both scared and unsure of what 'love' means any more. This despite a lot of therapy.

I have chosen to carry on; I really like seeing this guy and slowly things are becoming a bit more solid. My therapist said to me that I was going to want to end it, and that I had to sleep on it and talk to a friend before I did so Grin and that was helpful - because I have felt the impulse without knowing why. I do also think that in the immortal words of Massive Attack, love is a doing word - being with someone, being loving towards them, is a lot more like love than saying that you love someone while not being with them or treating them really badly, even if the emotions feel a bit odd or distorted or blocked.

Original poster
PHINES02 · 07/05/2021 07:30

I know, and I do feel like I love her. But not IN love. So when she says I love you, I say it back. I know she’s in love with me and I feel terrible

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 07/05/2021 07:32

I don't really understand the distinction between 'love' and 'in love'.

Original poster
PHINES02 · 07/05/2021 07:34

Thank you for your perspective @PermanentTemporary. I hope all goes well with you and your new relationship.

I suppose I don’t feel overwhelmed, I don’t feel like she’s the best thing that ever happened to me. To me being IN love is those things. Loving someone is caring for them, like a family member?

OP posts:
Faerysmoke · 07/05/2021 07:34

What I'm trying to get at OP is that you're looking for that 'in love' feeling as an indicator that this person is right for you. But you've had that 'in love' feeling before and it turned out that person wasn't the one afterall. So how can you trust that feeling of being in love? Can I ask why the previous relationship didn't work out? The one where you felt very much in love?

Original poster
PHINES02 · 07/05/2021 07:37

My last relationship, I hate to be cliche but she was really crazy. She would search my phone, she hacked my social media, she would stalk my female friends online. And I didn’t see it so you’re right. Maybe my ticker is a bit off in that respect. And I think because my relationship now isn’t full of drama, it feels ‘lacking’

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 07/05/2021 07:39

Do you want to move in with her? I don't think wanting to or not wanting to is necessarily an indicator of a situation that's going to last vs one that isn't.

I have to say that I am absolutely loving living alone, and so is my new bloke (he's divorced). We feel incredibly lucky to have spaces to ourselves (I also still have a child at home though). Not wanting to move in together is really new to me and it's fab. When we do spend nights together in his house, he's lucky to have a spare room so we can SLEEP APART. Both of us hugely value that separateness.

And yet... I feel the impulse too, to be closer. I miss him a lot when we're apart. I'm trying to learn missing someone as a good thing - I often found my marriages claustrophobic, again not because I didn't love the person but the complete togetherness, never having any time alone at all, was nearly unbearable at times.

lifeissweet · 07/05/2021 07:40

What you are describing as 'in love' sound like infatuation to me. You have had strong chemistry with people before which has given you that giddy feeling and you aren't getting that with your current gf?

Thing is... if you break it down and look at what's important; you like her, you enjoy being with her, presumably you find her attractive and have a good sex life with her.... what more do you want?

I do know what you mean and having butterfly feelings is all so exciting, but would that be better than what you have here?

If you don't fancy her, but like her like a friend that's another story.

VioletCharlotte · 07/05/2021 07:40

Love is an interesting one. I've always believed that loving someone is a really special thing that takes time to build. It's that feeling that you would do anything you can to protect someone, you're genuinely delighted when they succeed and devastated for them when things go wrong. I'm always surprised when people say they love the person they're dating after just a few weeks. I guess those feelings can come that quickly for some people, but for me it takes time.

To me, there's a difference between love and being 'in love' with someone. I think being in love is a complicated mixture of lust, desire, infatuation, sexual attraction...all the stuff that makes us feel giddy. I think this is the bit that's lacking in your relationship with this woman. Some people may say you should preserve as she 'ticks all the right boxes', but my feeling is that without that initial chemistry, there will always be something lacking which will lead to both of your feeling unsatisfied in the relationship and wanting more.

Sunflower1970 · 07/05/2021 07:43

I think you should end it with her. I get where you are coming from with the ‘love’ and ‘in love’ . ‘In love’ is that excitement, wanting to be with them all the time heady feeling and it can be different from the calmer caring feeling that is just love. Sometimes it is there an sometimes not . I’ve had both and when it’s right you continue to have the in love feeling! I’ve kissed a few frogs and I know where you are coming from. Been with my husband for 12 years and we’re in love ! Do t settle if you feel it’s not quite right x

Original poster
PHINES02 · 07/05/2021 07:46

The thing is I do desire her, our sex life is the same as it was in the beginning. In the beginning I would say I was infatuated. I am still so attracted to her, I love being around her, I don’t see her as a friend. Because I was jealous about other men.

I don’t know, I clearly have a lot to think about. Thank you for all the advice and stories I do appreciate it

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 07/05/2021 07:46

I should say that I fancy my new bloke something rotten. We've had to be separate a lot because of lockdown, but we also have been together, and from the first kiss he absolutely melted me. So if it sounds like we are in a tick box relationship, we're not, we have that intense sexual attraction. If you don't have that, it does change things a bit. I prioritise sex a lot so I think I assume everyone fancies their partner madly.

Magnificentmug12 · 07/05/2021 07:47

This hurts my heart as I’m in this situation, my partner loves me but his not in love with me anymore I don’t think. Tell her the truth, don’t keep her hanging on at the end of a string. Break up with her and let her have a chance to find someone whose head over heels for her and wants to spend their life with her. She deserves it and so do you.

Just curious, if she’s so great, why don’t you love her? What’s different compared to your exes? If you can’t pin point it, it’s probably because your heart just isn’t in it.

Faerysmoke · 07/05/2021 07:47

So you were in love with the idea of her, or some aspects of her, or perhaps the intensity of that relationship was very intoxicating and attractive. But you weren't actually in love with the truth of who she was. When the reality became apparent suddenly it wasn't all love and roses anymore.
Perhaps, with this new relationship, you are finally getting to know someone for exactly who they are instead of setting up a fantasy.

PermanentTemporary · 07/05/2021 07:47

Ah cross posted. Hmm. Sounds very nice....

Undersnatch · 07/05/2021 07:48

I think your ticker is off and it’s worth waiting and reflecting. The way you describe ‘in love’ sounds like an overly attached, needy kind of thing, and this relationship sounds more stable and secure. It’s good to not be talking about moving in too early or feeling you need to be around one another all the time. And your child is the priority now, it needs to be at a pace and in a way that works for him. I wonder if you could talk to her about this in a way that wasn’t really upsetting for her, just helping her know you’re finding it hard to know what’s going on in your head due to previous relationship?

Original poster
PHINES02 · 07/05/2021 07:49

I think maybe my heart isn’t in it. Despite her being so great you just can’t force it. The thought of her being with another man, really hurts though. Is this just my ego? Ahh what a way to start the day

OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 07/05/2021 07:51

I get what you are saying OP.

I loved my most recent ex to distraction - I literally went a bit loopy with it I think. He was horrible - always putting me down, trying to pull away from me. Broke up with me countless times. I think all of this made me cling on harder and harder.

Looking back, it was just infatuation. He didn’t really have any of the qualities I find attractive in a person, even. I think the drama just turned my head, somehow.

My current bloke is lovely - gorgeous, intelligent, funny, free-spirited, kind. And NO DRAMA.

My feelings for him are definitely less intense than my feelings were for the twat I described above. But I am starting to see that as a healthy thing. I do love him - I miss him when he’s away, I could stare at him all day (if that wasn’t weird), I’d do all I could to protect him. But if he left me I wouldn’t be utterly destroyed, like I always was with the last one. I’d be sad, but I’d survive.

I think it’s a good thing, not to be too overwhelmed by your emotions. At least I hope so.

lifeissweet · 07/05/2021 07:52

It's so hard and it's sometimes beyond analysis, isn't it?

I don't trust myself if I am 'in love' as I always seem to get that feeling for the wrong people. I would be far happier to be with someone I just enjoyed being with who I found attractive.

I'm single, though, and likely to stay that way. I can't be trusted with relationships.

Visionoffspring · 07/05/2021 07:58

She sounds lovely and if I may say it, too good for you. You need drama and eventually if you don’t get it you will cause it and she will end up getting hurt.

We only get one life, let her have hers. But also as you have a son, be mindful that you enjoy unhealthy relationships and keep it away from him.

RandomMess · 07/05/2021 07:58

Is there chemistry/sexual spark - if there is then it sounds like the relationship is the right one for you.

It sounds like past relationships you've attracted/addicted to something unhealthy as they've been rather toxic!!