Not sure where to start but need some outside views and also just somewhere to write down what’s going on. My marriage has not been good for a while. Just over a year ago, when DS3 was 4 months old, my DH started telling me he was feeling neglected, that I wasn’t showing him any affection and he was worried he would might do something stupid (his words) and enjoy the attention off someone else. I was surprised at this, also a bit annoyed because I was just at the point where I felt I was getting into a routine with three kids and things could get back to normal, it was like he got in there first before I could do something about it.
We had many arguments about this over the next few months because I wasn’t doing enough to change the situation, lots more things like I put the kids first, wasn’t taking care of my appearance, no sex/not enough sex/boring sex. This was well into lockdown and I explained over and over how I felt overwhelmed and cut off from real life, no time to myself etc. I promised to make changes, asked him to be patient etc. The arguments were happening around every 4 weeks then less time would go by before the next one and now we are at the point where he brings this up at least once a week and I can’t take it any more.
He has had lots of health issues and a few operations over the last 12 months and I apparently didn’t support him well enough emotionally (wasn’t able to visit/take home to hospital because of COVID and had no one to look after the kids).
He has started having massive panic attacks when we argue. I get upset quickly when he starts a discussion because I know what is coming, I am so worn down by all the negative things he’s said and the way he dismisses any explanation I give for the the way things are. But me crying just makes him angry and he gets so wound up that it leads to a panic attack, it’s awful and I have to try and calm him down then afterwards I just go along with everything he says because I’m scared of it happening again.
I’ve asked him not to keep bringing up the way he felt and my mistakes (no affection etc) because we can’t move on if he can’t let it go. I have apologised for that many times but he won’t accept it because he doesn’t think I really mean it.
I admit I’ve found it hard to be affectionate since this all started because of the way he acts and the nasty things he says when we argue. I can’t just switch off and forget it all. He says he won’t stop bringing it up because I need to understand it’s my fault our relationship is broken and I need to fix it.
After another huge row this morning he packed a bag and said he is leaving. I’ve killed our marriage and I’ve ruined his life and health.
I’m absolutely broken. I know I’m not some awful mean person who would intentionally make him feel this way or not want to save our marriage. I can’t believe I have made him feel this way but just can’t take anymore. When things are good they are so good, but this has been hell the last few months. I love him but right now I don’t feel anything, I’m just numb. He’s worn me down and I just stood there and let him go.
There’s so much more but this is long enough. I don’t know what to do.