Long term marriage problems

[itssuchamess]

Not sure where to start but need some outside views and also just somewhere to write down what’s going on. My marriage has not been good for a while. Just over a year ago, when DS3 was 4 months old, my DH started telling me he was feeling neglected, that I wasn’t showing him any affection and he was worried he would might do something stupid (his words) and enjoy the attention off someone else. I was surprised at this, also a bit annoyed because I was just at the point where I felt I was getting into a routine with three kids and things could get back to normal, it was like he got in there first before I could do something about it.

We had many arguments about this over the next few months because I wasn’t doing enough to change the situation, lots more things like I put the kids first, wasn’t taking care of my appearance, no sex/not enough sex/boring sex. This was well into lockdown and I explained over and over how I felt overwhelmed and cut off from real life, no time to myself etc. I promised to make changes, asked him to be patient etc. The arguments were happening around every 4 weeks then less time would go by before the next one and now we are at the point where he brings this up at least once a week and I can’t take it any more.

He has had lots of health issues and a few operations over the last 12 months and I apparently didn’t support him well enough emotionally (wasn’t able to visit/take home to hospital because of COVID and had no one to look after the kids).

He has started having massive panic attacks when we argue. I get upset quickly when he starts a discussion because I know what is coming, I am so worn down by all the negative things he’s said and the way he dismisses any explanation I give for the the way things are. But me crying just makes him angry and he gets so wound up that it leads to a panic attack, it’s awful and I have to try and calm him down then afterwards I just go along with everything he says because I’m scared of it happening again.

I’ve asked him not to keep bringing up the way he felt and my mistakes (no affection etc) because we can’t move on if he can’t let it go. I have apologised for that many times but he won’t accept it because he doesn’t think I really mean it.
I admit I’ve found it hard to be affectionate since this all started because of the way he acts and the nasty things he says when we argue. I can’t just switch off and forget it all. He says he won’t stop bringing it up because I need to understand it’s my fault our relationship is broken and I need to fix it.

After another huge row this morning he packed a bag and said he is leaving. I’ve killed our marriage and I’ve ruined his life and health.

I’m absolutely broken. I know I’m not some awful mean person who would intentionally make him feel this way or not want to save our marriage. I can’t believe I have made him feel this way but just can’t take anymore. When things are good they are so good, but this has been hell the last few months. I love him but right now I don’t feel anything, I’m just numb. He’s worn me down and I just stood there and let him go.
There’s so much more but this is long enough. I don’t know what to do.

@Weirdfan

It seems to be a very male thing (ime at least) this absolute refusal to take any responsibility for problems in a relationship, and 'poor me, I'm not getting enough attention' is a common theme too, it's deeply unattractive. I hope you can see how completely he has failed you OP, as partners and co-parents you're meant to be a team, take on the struggles and lack of time for each other together and instead he has put you on opposing sides. I can't tell you what to do next but you definitely need to stop accepting all the blame and believing him when he says it's all your fault.

Thing is we always were such a good team before this, he was always singing my praises and would tell anyone how supportive I was. It's such a change to how he used to be and I'm sure he's right that I have changed too but like you say I thought we would support each other through this difficult phase with three young kids. After all the years I have supported him whilst he set up his own business, never complained about the late nights, weekends spent working. I'm hurt he doesn't remember that and won't take it into account.

The fact you have a four month old baby and two other children and he's complaining HE doesn't get enough attention tells me all I need to know about where the blame really lies and it ain't you OP.

He has checked out of the marriage a long time ago, OP. His biggest problem was to try and make it look ‘right’ that he left a woman with three small kids Agree with this.

I hate men like this. I really do.

He's demonising you. He's gaslighting you. He has spotted someone else.

He's got one foot out the door but needs you to be The Bad Guy.

Your marriage is over already.

“Thing is we always were such a good team before this, he was always singing my praises and would tell anyone how supportive I was. It's such a change to how he used to be and I'm sure he's right that I have changed too but like you say I thought we would support each other through this difficult phase with three young kids. After all the years I have supported him whilst he set up his own business, never complained about the late nights, weekends spent working. I'm hurt he doesn't remember that and won't take it into account.”

So it sounds like you were a great team as long as it was all about him. Now it’s no longer all about him, he’s behaving like a silky, selfish brat.

Sulky, not silky...

One less child to think about. He's a dick.

@Theredjellybean

I think he is setting you up. He is/will have other woman.. But he can say you drove him to it, it wasn't his fault, he tried to tell you what was lacking and you "didn't try" He is painting the picture of him as the poor victim.

So.... Reframe it... You are mother of three young children, one a new baby, you ran household during lockdown, cared for, fed, home schooled, and during this your dh picked fights. Caused argument, made you feel worthless, unloved, unattractive.
He didn't try to help you improve your relationship, physical appearance, self estemm.
Then he walked out on three tiny children and their mother.

Mmmm.... I know where my sympathies lie.
Do you have family or friends nearby? So get on phone and tell them... He has left you and children. Don't go into whys or where fors... If asked why say you don't know but he said he is thinking about having an affair.
Time to turn the tables on him and his victim painting behaviour.
No one half decent is going to see him as anything less than despicable
And for the love of God do not beg, cry, do the pick me dance.
I'd be texting him and saying... OK.. You want to leave, fine, so let's discuss your time with dc... And make sure he has them... You need a rest from this cockwomble.

Imagine now... Kids in bed, house tidied up, you can have long bath, pj's on, crap on telly or just go to bed... No one moaning, no one pestering you for sex, no one telling you how crap you are.... Bliss

Thank you jellybean, I think I will be coming back to this many times. The reframing is a great idea, I will try and do this. Not sure I'm strong enough for the rest yet, but it will come...certainly looking forward to some peace and calm (hopefully) tonight at least

Hmm. If he isn't in a place where he can accept that he must at least have some part in the difficulties in a relationship between two people (of which he is one!) then not really sure what you can do.

Perhaps things have been difficult for him, but he does seem to have very little capacity to manage the feeling of coming last behind the children for a time, or to tolerate the fact that his wife may from time time be upset with him and cry, without this triggering what sounds like great anxiety and anger in him.

He sounds very insecure. If you're eyes are of him for a few months while you have a small baby, he feels abandoned. If you cry or express dissatisfaction he thinks you're abandoning him and has a rage.

He can't see you as a separate person for whom he might have a concern. Instead he's firefighting his own emotional anxieties and has no time for thinking about you as a real person.

In this sense he sounds very emotionally underdeveloped, like a small child really. It must make life very difficult for him and no doubt the distress and anxiety he feels is real for him.

But he is not a child. He is an adult with a partner and three children. He needs to address this and try to develop some emotional resilience which will in turn allow you some space to be a person in the marriage.

If he's able to think about this and get himself some therapy so that he can look at his he relates in intimate relationship then maybe things get better for you both.

If not though then I think you've got to decide if you can manage going on like this or whether you will call it a day.

Op I say this with all due respect, wake up and smell the coffee.

You poor woman you have been jumping through hoops for long enough. Read up on the script, I believe he has been gaslighting you, time to alter your perspective.

If I were you I think I would hire a PI and find out what he's doing, his lies have been destroying you and I think his gaslighting is going to continue as he spreads a smear campaigne against you.
He has, and is, fucking with your mental health, you have done nothing wrong.
What I'm worried about is him destroying you further as he re writes history, which he has to do to save his reputation.

He's a grade A cunt.
He wants to leave with a fanfare of sympathy, don't let him get it.

@DinosaurDiana

Let him go. He is blaming you as an excuse for him to go. You will find life a lot easier without this needy man.

^ This. My thoughts exactly.

Your situation reminds me of a couple I knew. The wife had an affair. Husband forgave and wanted counselling. Wife agreed but then claimed husband not engaging properly in therapy was cause of her going and having another affair. She then filed for divorce blaming him for the marriage falling apart by not giving her enough affection and sex. He said that why should he feel obligated sleep with her when he knows she’s having an affair? So he counter-filed.

So similar to you, your husband wants to divorce and while he’s the one sabotaging it, he is simultaneously blaming you. It’s a “look at what you made me do” thing.

Just let him go. Don’t take him back.

I'm so pleased that you (OP) have noted what Theredjellybean said.

I have 3 kids with DH (youngest 6 weeks) and I just thought "what a dickhead". He's blaming you for things that are half his responsibility. If DH started criticising my appearance, pestering for sex, threatening to have an affair because I don't look as fabulous as I did before having 3 kids in 4 years I'd tell him to pack his bags. For him to try and blame you for his arsehole behaviour is appalling.

Next time he has a panic attack because he starts having a go at you and you dare to tell him it's not quite that simple tell him it's karma.

I agree it sounds like he's met someone, particularly with complaints about " boring" sex. Boring in comparison to who?

What a shit he is!!!

Didn't acknowledge you were knackered recovering from pregnancy, having a baby and two other DC. Didn't step up and help out with family and house stuff just whined about lack of sex and how he deserved to have someone being at his beck and call

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this awful situation. With 3 young children and 1 being just a baby, the person you should be able to rely on for love and understanding is your husband.
This man has checked out long ago and has been trying to convince himself that he is perfectly entitled to leave his wife and family because he life is being made intolerable!!! What a complete and utter load of old bollocks!! I suspect there is someone else or he is hoping to line someone up. Someone who will be grateful for his presence and therefore be delighted to supply him with an exciting and enriching sex life. I'm sure he thinks a queue is forming already. What a deluded, cold hearted piece of shit he is. Threatening to have an affair if you don't pull your socks up!! How utterly ghastly and unkind to say this to the mother of his 3 children. No good man would ever stoop so low as to threaten his wife with this.
You are broken by this because you are already stretched to your limits. 3 young children is more than a full time job. You don't need any more stress in your life.
If he wants to go so badly then bolt the door behind him. He doesn't deserve you or those beautiful children.

First of all I would like to say, thank you to all these amazing women who posted on this thread. I was laughing and crying and having goosebumps the whole entire time. I just wish we were sitting somewhere in apub, having a beer and giving each other hugs.

OP you have done NOTHING wrong. The previous posters said it all. This man is a man child, who asks for your undivided attention while giving nothing in return. A partner who, instead of sharing your load, is actually putting more on you as if you do not have enough already.

I am sorry, but I am quite certain that he has had an affair already. Cheaters often try everything in their power to put the blame on their partner for their infidelity. Even just to insinuate that he may cheat if you do not give him more sex is outrageous.

Please, do not feel responsible for any of this, do not apologize or ask for forgiveness!! NONE of this is your fault. It is all on him.

I know that this may feel so overwhelming to you and impossible to do but from where I am standing this guy is a twat and you should let him go. Free yourself of this person as he will not bring you any joy or happiness, only heartache.

Sending you virtual hugs across the ocean.

He doesn't think much of you, does he? Doesn't sound like he considers you in this at all.

I actually held my breath whilst reading and then let out a huge sigh when I finished. This is exactly how it must feel for you living it. He reminds me of my ex, suffocating and controlling. I left and it was hard, very hard, but there's not a day where I'm not grateful. You deserve so much better.

Thank you all so so much for your replies, they have helped me get through the day...I have cried at many of them, as so many of you are so insightful and have touched on things I haven't mentioned but are still true.

It's a strange feeling having my thoughts validated. It makes feel better but also worse because now I have to face up to how bad it really is. I'm so scared and I really don't want it to be over but I can't go on like this.

Of course you can't - it will break you. It's bullying and total headfuckery and god knows what it does to you when you try to conform to shagging him as a result even though he's doing and saying things that instinctively would make you want to protect yourself from him not open yourself up to him intimately.

I'm sorry he's behaving in this way and I'm sorry you're going through it and have clearly bent yourself inside out trying to please him or 'save' the marriage.

Hope he stays away a while and you get some time and space before having to deal with things. Spread out and enjoy having the bed to yourself and no undercurrent of sexual demands.

Yes, I hope you get some time and space as well. He has treated you appallingly - there is no other way to put it. I hope you can try to enjoy the calm and just focus on you and your DC. He might or might not have got someone else but the main point is how he was treating you, how he was talking to you. It was emotionally abusive, and it would wear anyone down.

He needs to paint you as the bad guy, as PPs have said. He will be telling everyone who'll listen that he HAD to leave in the end because he tried, he really did, but he was the only one putting in the effort, you shouldered him out etc. etc.

But the truth will out. Keep your dignity.You just need to say that all is not as he claims it to be, the reality is very different, and once he's finished his "a big boy done it and ran away" responsibility-shirking pantomime for everyone else's benefit, a very different story will emerge.

In reality, he's put you in an impossible situation and then blamed you for it. If you were in a business meeting and one of the male execs suddenly stood up and bellowed, "LISTEN TO ME, I LIKE BEING LISTENED TO, I AM A BIG IMPORTANT MAN, EVERYONE SHOULD PAY ATTENTION TO ME" you'd be calling SSs to have him wheeled away. Yet this is deemed perfectly acceptable as a way to behave in his marriage.

It's normal to be scared at the prospect of such a big change OP. Accept that you will feel fearful and anxious for a time.

But also let yourself dream - the tension free life, the peace of mind, the comfort of bringing your children up free of this negativity and misery. The decisions yours, the freedom to do what you want, when you want.

It's exciting as well as scary and it's definitely going to be a better life for you.

I would tell him to piss off. How dare he say it's all your fault

*He has checked out of the marriage a long time ago, OP. His biggest problem was to try and make it look ‘right’ that he left a woman with three small kids Agree with this.

I hate men like this. I really do*

100%.

Op, some people (quite often men) are just utterly selfish and self centred. Life has to be about them and their needs. They are incapable of empathy or compassion and he clearly can't see what everyone else would (exhausted mum of 3 children). No "normal" person acts how he has.

It is possible he has a sympathetic ear from someone else and if that's the case he will have to justify leaving you. People who have affairs tend to have a victim mentality so it's easy for them to blame their partner. It's just quite a common pattern for weak men who can't take any responsibility.

Be assured there is nothing you could have done to stop him walking out. Even if you complied with all his demands he is likely to have found another reason. He has made a decision to quit...probadly because attention and adoration is possible elsewhere.

Men like this end up never happy but they reek havoc in other peoples lives. Was his childhood difficult?

It's crazy how much you can all see the truth just with what I've put here.
Yes to selfishness (that I'm only just realising now), yes to having to paint me as the bad guy and so much more.
I'm sure I would feel a huge sense of relief amongst all the sadness but I don't think I can make that final step yet. He is back, he said didn't mean he wanted to leave permanently, just a night to get his head sorted. He wants to take a week off work and spend time with me and the kids, connect properly again. I've told him many things will have to change if this is to work, for starters I need regular time to myself and he needs to cut back his work commitments. We discussed much more last night and I didn't cry once, which makes me feel strong and I know for me it means I have taken some of the emotion out of it. I know next time (and I'm sure there will be a next time) I will be in a better place to say, it's enough. I'm not doing this anymore.

I am sure you'll all think I'm stupid (I probably am!) but I need to be 100% sure and ready to make that final decision. Reading all your replies and finally getting that validation that I'm not crazy and not completely to blame for all of this is invaluable. Thank you all so much x

I think the relief is in the knowing it's not you and it's not just you - this is a shitty and not unusual type of behaviour and manipulation by an not unusual kind of selfish, self centred, entitled male.

It's totally not unusual either to not feel as invested in being sexy, playing dress up and centring how 'good you look to men' when busy raising small children. It's totally reasonable and normal to think that the adult who created those children with you might actually fucking grasp that simple reality, or upon grasping it help you out and knuckle down and take off some of the pressure so you can get back to feeling like yourself etc. BUT not unusual at all that some men instead stamp their little feet and throw their toys out of the pram that it's not all about them anymore.

Sad but not unusual and no this isn't your fault.