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Original poster

Should I sell our house just to get him out of my life

81 replies

Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 10:41

Hi, I need advice, long story short, been married for 25 years, 17 of them have been terrible since hes cocaine habit Began, (its been gradually getting worse), now he doesn't work, I want him to leave as he's a nightmare to live with, I pay for everything, I work part-time, we have 5 sons, 3 are older 23,17,15 and two younger children 8 and 4,i do absolutely everything, he's asleep on the sofa most of the time or out with he's so called friends, he's basically said that he is Not going anywhere till I sell the house, but that would mean me and the kids going into rented accommodation and it really scares me not to have the security of my own home, there's not enough equity to buy another house, I'm really struggling with what to do for the best, he doesn't have any family or friends he can stay with so wants money from the house to move away (he says) should I sell our house just to get him out of my life? Has anyone else had the same experience, thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 10:42

??

OP posts:
InescapableDeath · 03/05/2021 10:44

Bump for you - I don’t know the answers but can’t you divorce and possibly (I know this isn’t always the case) get to stay in the house until the youngest is 18?

SpringtimeSummertime · 03/05/2021 10:45

How many children live with you and would you be able to afford a new house to rent?

I would sell up.

Rainbowqueeen · 03/05/2021 10:45

I would seek some legal advice.
You might be able to get a mesher order which allows you to remain in the house until your youngest is 18 then sell it and split the equity.
Ask about that.

Good luck

HollowTalk · 03/05/2021 10:45

I'd do whatever it took to get him out of the house. He's an appalling example and your life is so much more difficult with him in it.

HollowTalk · 03/05/2021 10:46

Sorry, I've just re-read - not sure what I thought you'd put!

You pay for everything and you have a very young child. Does he not pay towards the mortgage? Does he work?

Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 10:47

Ideally yes, but just know that he won't leave me alone till he gets some money from the house sale, I'm just struggling with the idea of renting but am wondering if that is best in the long run, every time I consider the idea of renting my anxiety goes crazy 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 10:49

Hi hollowtalk, no he doesn't work and doesn't give me a penny towards anything

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Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 10:50

He's basically saying if I don't sell then I will have to put up with him

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picturesandpickles · 03/05/2021 10:52

Sounds horrendous Flowers

IMO selling and renting without him would be far less stressful than living like this. But you may be able to divorce him and get him out if his behaviour is so unreasonable - this is not a regular marriage breakdown where you just don't get on anymore. If he is a regular drug user he is not a suitable role model for the children.

Get legal advice.

  • Who owns the house? Who put in what to buy it in the first place?
  • How much equity is in it?
  • When did he last work?
  • How often is he using and what evidence do you have?
  • Where is the drug money coming from?
Blueskythinking123 · 03/05/2021 10:52

It sounds like at some point in the future you will be renting, if you do divorce.

If you divorce now why DC are under 18 you may get more than 50% of the equity. You really do need to seek legal advice.

Is there any option to increase your working hrs to secure a mortgage on your own?

HollowTalk · 03/05/2021 10:53

I would see a solicitor - I think it would be financially really worthwhile.

He sounds really awful - where does he get money from for cocaine? If it's from you I'd put a stop to that, pronto.

Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 10:53

Hi springtimesummertime, all 5 still live at home, and Initially I would have enough to rent but worry about how that would be long term, my mortgage is much less than rent amounts

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Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 10:56

Hollowtalk, no, I give him nothing, I do nothing for him either, he gets money from selling scrap and doing private jobs on motors

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SpringtimeSummertime · 03/05/2021 10:58

@Laalaa123

Hi springtimesummertime, all 5 still live at home, and Initially I would have enough to rent but worry about how that would be long term, my mortgage is much less than rent amounts
I’d go with divorce and get a court order forcing him to move out due to his drug/cocaine habit (child protection?) Your 8 year old and 4 year old shouldn’t have to live with that. Go to citizens advice and tell them what you have told us.
pumpkinpie01 · 03/05/2021 10:58

So if you sold up and rented I presume it would be hard for you to get back on the housing ladder ?

Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 10:59

Does anyone rent? And is it as scary and unstable as I'm imagining?

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madroid · 03/05/2021 11:01

Could you not buy on your own?

But divorce is the way to go. You want to end the relationship for the best of reasons: to protect your children from an illegal and destructive activity, ie his drug addiction.

He doesn't get to unanimously choose to stay in a marriage. It doesn't work like that. It takes two!

See a solicitor asap. Drug addiction - especially with children involved - is v much classed as unreasonable behaviour.

Get all you money secure where he can't spend it. Get your marriage certificate (you need it for divorce). All other paper work. Start sorting stuff out in the house.

I'd be very tempted to report him to the police for the drugs too.

Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 11:02

Pumpkinpie01, yes, I can't see how I would get another mortgage, I'm in lots of debt too,

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LaurieFairyCake · 03/05/2021 11:03

I have no idea if this is possible but I'd be asking about an exclusion/occupation order to get him out because of his cocaine use.

However your youngest at 4 will not help you if you say he's been like this for longer than that.

I'd think about contacting SS - they will help you if it's unsafe for the children around the drugs - i mean they might help with an occupation order/getting him out.

If there's little equity then no, don't sell - try to buy him out

madroid · 03/05/2021 11:04

Renting can be stable with the right landlord and a bit of luck. Ot you might need to move every time your contract is up. That would be unlucky but not impossible.

butterfly990 · 03/05/2021 11:05

An alternative would be to see if you can raise additional lending in your mortgage to buy him out.

Talk to an independent mortgage advisor. Thet will aldo be able to look at how much it would be to increase the term of your mortgage with the extra lending.

ChiefBabySniffer · 03/05/2021 11:05

He is a risk to your children. He is a drug addict and refuses to pay his way. Call women's aid. You need advice but I imagine it would be quite easy to get a court order to get him out. And then you potentially have another 14 years to live there. Hopefully he will sink away like the loser he is.

SpringtimeSummertime · 03/05/2021 11:05

@ChiefBabySniffer

He is a risk to your children. He is a drug addict and refuses to pay his way. Call women's aid. You need advice but I imagine it would be quite easy to get a court order to get him out. And then you potentially have another 14 years to live there. Hopefully he will sink away like the loser he is.
Woman’s Aid is a good call.
Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 11:06

Madroid, he is very sly, he hides he's drug use, I have no evidence, the children are unaware of he's behaviour and that's because Ive shielded them, but that's meant me not arguing with him for they're sake, so lots of the time I have to stay silent and it's driving me insane as I feel I'm losing my voice

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