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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I sell our house just to get him out of my life

81 replies

Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 10:41

Hi, I need advice, long story short, been married for 25 years, 17 of them have been terrible since hes cocaine habit Began, (its been gradually getting worse), now he doesn't work, I want him to leave as he's a nightmare to live with, I pay for everything, I work part-time, we have 5 sons, 3 are older 23,17,15 and two younger children 8 and 4,i do absolutely everything, he's asleep on the sofa most of the time or out with he's so called friends, he's basically said that he is Not going anywhere till I sell the house, but that would mean me and the kids going into rented accommodation and it really scares me not to have the security of my own home, there's not enough equity to buy another house, I'm really struggling with what to do for the best, he doesn't have any family or friends he can stay with so wants money from the house to move away (he says) should I sell our house just to get him out of my life? Has anyone else had the same experience, thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 11:46

Hi, yes my oldest son does, my others are still in full-time education

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 03/05/2021 11:49

What does he do all day? Just wondering as PPs have said about you being primary carer.. Can he show that he's actually the primary carer?

I'm not saying that he actually is. Just that he may say it and be able to "evidence" it by being unemployed and you paying for everything. Could he say he's not unemployed, he's a SAHD?

Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 11:50

Picturesandpickles,equity around £50k and debts around £15k

OP posts:
MsDFye · 03/05/2021 11:50

Agree with above comments about getting a solicitor. Most do an initial consultation for free. You need one who specialises in family law.
if your husband is threatening you at all you might need a restraining order which will specify that he has to stay a certain distance away from you, the children and the house. It's not a pleasant process but sounds like you can't go on as you are

Allwokedup · 03/05/2021 11:52

Talk to a mortgage broker. You’re just assuming you won’t get a mortgage but you never know if you have quite a lot to equity split between two. It doesn’t hurt to make enquiries.

Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 11:54

Hunterhearsthelmsley, he does whatever he wants, I get the kids ready for school and drop them off then go to work till 3pm,then pick them up and then care cook and clean for them when at home, he definitely isn't there main carer

OP posts:
Christmasbird · 03/05/2021 11:56

For your kids sake do all you can to keep the house. Tbh id be very tempted to grass him up as another pp suggested

Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 11:57

MsDfye, he's not threatening, if anything he doesn't Really acknowledge me, we don't really communicate at all anymore

OP posts:
HelenHywater · 03/05/2021 12:03

OP have you got any legal advice? You really need to.

I'm sure you won't have to sell your house, and there will be a way to divorce him and get him to leave. His drug habit will work in your favour here I'm sure.

Please go and see a lawyer - knowledge really is power. A good one will help you get your H out and let you get on with your life.

Quincie · 03/05/2021 12:03

What's to stop him coming after you once he's spent his share from teh house?
If you chuck him out won't he be eligible for social housing as he is homeless - but if he leaves with money he won't I don't think. And won't he be entitled to benefits and possibly housing benefits if he is homeless and penniless.
Check this out as it could be a mistake to sell and give him money. He might do better with nothing.

A solicitor might know. CAB might know.

Joeblack066 · 03/05/2021 12:03

@Laalaa123

Does anyone rent? And is it as scary and unstable as I'm imagining?
It’s not scary or unstable at all! The laws have been changed and you can’t be evicted for no reason any more! Honestly it had its benefits- no repair responsibilities for one! I would say it’s a far better life than the one you’re living now...
Weenurse · 03/05/2021 12:05

I’d sell, pay off the debts and them split the remainder 70 % to you 30% to him given the DC will remain with you.

Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 12:07

Joeblack066, thanks, I'm trying to get my head around it, think it's because I've owned a property for 20+years finding it difficult to let go possibly

OP posts:
Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 12:08

Weenurse, must admit I'm beginning to think along those lines,

OP posts:
picturesandpickles · 03/05/2021 12:09

@Laalaa123

Joeblack066, thanks, I'm trying to get my head around it, think it's because I've owned a property for 20+years finding it difficult to let go possibly
If you divorce and get him out, you won't have to.
cupoftea2021 · 03/05/2021 12:09

How horrible to live with that in your live for your children & self.
Selfish and seedy.
I know addictive issues are a no end in sight situation and instability.
Who needs that with children.
I'm not sure at all but get legal advice and the contact if it does happen with being the father so take that into consideration.
I hope he is safe and tidy with however he get his fixes or whatever it is called in your home.

UpTheJunktion · 03/05/2021 12:12

Divorce, and ASAP.

See a solicitor.

And tell the court he is an addict and you need him out of the house.

I would do this ASAP while the 17 to us under 18. The more kids you have to house the more of the house equity will be awarded to you, rather than him, if all goes well.

Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 12:15

Cupoftea2021, he doesn't do it in the house, he goes out with hes(so called friends) I've never seen any evidence of it in my house and that's why it would be hard to prove, he's, become a very sly and secretive person

OP posts:
cupoftea2021 · 03/05/2021 12:19

@Laalaa123

Does anyone rent? And is it as scary and unstable as I'm imagining?
Not at all It's easy, someone else's responsibility to maintain the house. Providing it is a nice house and neighbourhood plus schools. Anything in life is scary when it is new but it is a fresh start. Why are you seeing it as scary? To leave the comfort of the familiar? I would take a look at rentals and compare and get a idea. Why not visit a few houses and see how it makes you feel? Well done for wanting things to change, that is scary.
Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 12:20

Thanks for all the advice, I'm going to seek legal advice this week and see where I go from there, thanks again everyone

OP posts:
thinkIamdone · 03/05/2021 12:22

See a solicitor I believe you can stay in the house if you pay the mortgate and H has to move out after the divorce. He will only get any equity (sorry but he will) after the youngest leaves home.

Original poster
Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 12:22

Cupoftea2021, thank you, that's a good idea, I may give it a go and see how I feel, and yes I've been here for 14 years, so scared of the unknown I suppose

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 03/05/2021 12:28

I hope you find a solution to this. Do you gave support?could you work full time?

cupoftea2021 · 03/05/2021 12:30

Can you dob him in to ss and get rid of him out of the house? I'm not sure how the Uk or this works but a family surely has protection from that nonsense
It will be in his system and since he is in a rut he will always be positive to drug use. To save your worry of his sly behaviour.

Neome · 03/05/2021 12:36

You are worth a lot to your kids, you are their most important asset - don’t squander your well-being!

A few years ago a close friend divorced, sold marital home, rented while trying to find somewhere she could afford to buy with enough room for her kids. All very tough.

She eventually got a place part owned part rented which she was eligible for due to local connection. It’s working out well for her.