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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I sell our house just to get him out of my life

81 replies

Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 10:41

Hi, I need advice, long story short, been married for 25 years, 17 of them have been terrible since hes cocaine habit Began, (its been gradually getting worse), now he doesn't work, I want him to leave as he's a nightmare to live with, I pay for everything, I work part-time, we have 5 sons, 3 are older 23,17,15 and two younger children 8 and 4,i do absolutely everything, he's asleep on the sofa most of the time or out with he's so called friends, he's basically said that he is Not going anywhere till I sell the house, but that would mean me and the kids going into rented accommodation and it really scares me not to have the security of my own home, there's not enough equity to buy another house, I'm really struggling with what to do for the best, he doesn't have any family or friends he can stay with so wants money from the house to move away (he says) should I sell our house just to get him out of my life? Has anyone else had the same experience, thanks

OP posts:

pumpkinpie01 · 03/05/2021 11:06

I think you should stay put , I'm guessing your in your late 40's ? Getting another mortgage when you have debt could be quite tricky , apart from the fact house prices are through the roof. I think you should do all you can to stay in the house and be rid of him. Could you offer him a small amount , borrowed on the mortgage, to go ?

SpringtimeSummertime · 03/05/2021 11:07

@Laalaa123

Madroid, he is very sly, he hides he's drug use, I have no evidence, the children are unaware of he's behaviour and that's because Ive shielded them, but that's meant me not arguing with him for they're sake, so lots of the time I have to stay silent and it's driving me insane as I feel I'm losing my voice

You need to grass him up.

picturesandpickles · 03/05/2021 11:09

@Laalaa123

Does anyone rent? And is it as scary and unstable as I'm imagining?

Yes, something like 30% of people aged 35-54 rent. You would be eligible to go on social housing list and would have a chance of getting a very secure home that route - but it would take a long wait. I had a privately-renting neighbour who after six years got offered a housing association place.

You need to get legal advice - why don't you phone a solicitor and get a free consultation?

zafferana · 03/05/2021 11:11

Please get legal advice OP. Book and hour with a good divorce lawyer and tell them the whole story.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 03/05/2021 11:13

You need a solicitor. If you have any evidence of his drug use, getting him out may be possible with the right support.

Original poster

Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 11:13

I've been told that to get an occupancy order he would have to have somewhere to go as the court won't make him homeless and he's on the mortgage? Don't know how true that is?

OP posts:

madroid · 03/05/2021 11:15

The police wouldn't be interested in his drug use per se. They would try to trace it back to the dealer.

I'd definitely start a divorce. That will bring the house issue to the fore and a court will protect the children's interests first with a home for them.

It will also make you feel better. To be doing something to resolve what sounds like a hellish way to live but also to assert yourself and your choice not to live with someone who is on a path to self destruction. You don't want your children round him to witness that.

One other avenue (apart from buying him out which would be a good solution if you can do it - although we know what your ex will do with the money) is to explore housing association rentals where you would have a secure tenancy.

Original poster

Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 11:15

Picturesandpickles, I've spoken to the Local council and they said that I wouldn't get help as I'd have quite a lot of equity

OP posts:

Nith · 03/05/2021 11:18

Is the house in your name or both?

Starstruck2021 · 03/05/2021 11:22

How much equity is there?

Shouldbedoing · 03/05/2021 11:22

Ignoring the drug habit etc, and assuming your 17 year old is still in education, you are primary carer for 4 kids. A typical split is 65:35 in the resident carers favour. 75% is not unheard of. You might only have to raise 25% of the equity to pay him off. If you begin your legal separation whilst under one roof you can claim for UC, reduced council tax etc as long as you do not shop for and make his meals, wash his clothes, share a bed, share finances. Talk to Women's Aid as well. They can steer you through this. He's financially and emotionally abusive by the sound of it. The kids know, by the way.

Original poster

Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 11:22

Nith, it's in both of our names

OP posts:

Shouldbedoing · 03/05/2021 11:23

Oh and child support- even unemployed parents have to give you a fiver!

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 03/05/2021 11:26

Also FYI the police now have roadside saliva tests for cocaine. If he has used it in the past 24 hours he would likely fail it.

If you know he has been using and will be driving his car, you could make an anonymous report.

LaurieFairyCake · 03/05/2021 11:26

You won't have much equity when your debts are taken into account

The debts have been gained in the relationship so if you took them on there would be MUCH less to pay

Also with you paying for everything and him having no income then it's really unlikely you will owe him much money

Start the divorce

Original poster

Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 11:30

I'm going to speak to the citizens advice, but I'm battling with the decision of wether to battle it out for the house or just to get rid of the house and rent and get rid of him for good, it's just the idea of renting really scares me, my family have said that they think it would be quicker and better to do the latter as he's no intention of going

OP posts:

Shouldbedoing · 03/05/2021 11:30

And you must must must get the financial agreement legally recognised lest he bleed you dry coming back for more. Petition for divorce £550, then you get a decree nisi, then a consent order for the finances that costs about £70 - I did mine using a wikivorce package for £295 on top of the court fees though mine was simple. The Wikivorce site and the .gov.uk sites for divorce are very helpful. The sooner you act, the more your 17 y o counts as another dependent.

Shouldbedoing · 03/05/2021 11:32

Don't just try to.buy him.off to.shut him.up
He'll be back for more

Anordinarymum · 03/05/2021 11:36

OP I am so sorry this has happened to you.
His relationship is with himself only and that is brought about by drug use. After all of this time he will be nothing without the drugs so he will come at you for more money because you have been the provider all of this time and why should that change now?

Get rid of this dead weight any way you can and move on. Whichever way you do it he has and will bleed you dry. Better to get rid now rather than have this hanging over your head.

madroid · 03/05/2021 11:36

Don't bother with Citizen's Advice. You might get a whizz volunteer. You might not!

Go to a solicitor. Then make a decision.

Your children's needs come first in this. And they need a safe, stable home to grow up in. You already have that and any court would not want you to lose it.

I think you're probably in a much better position than you realise. Go to a solicitor and find out for sure.

picturesandpickles · 03/05/2021 11:40

Why are you ignoring all advice to speak to a solicitor? You can get a FREE consultation which would be a lot more use than Citizens Advice, and faster.

Original poster

Laalaa123 · 03/05/2021 11:43

Picturesandpickles, I'm going to try and find a solicitor to speak to this week,

OP posts:

rhombuspocahontas · 03/05/2021 11:44

Solicitor. If you claim UC any equity you receive might mean you have too much in savings to continue your claim - just a thought.

Do your older children contribute to the household?

picturesandpickles · 03/05/2021 11:45

@Laalaa123

Picturesandpickles, I'm going to try and find a solicitor to speak to this week,

That's good.

Don't waste time with Citizens Advice until after you get legal advice.

picturesandpickles · 03/05/2021 11:46

How much equity?
How much debt?

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