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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I said I needed space but now he's completely cut me off

106 replies

Ljones101 · 27/04/2021 22:29

2 months ago I told my partner I needed space. There was a lot going on in our relationship and I was struggling. I know that he finds it hard to give me space after we argue because he wants me close and feels like I'm pushing him away and that's a trigger for him. He said if he left that would be it because he needed a clean break. I said 'fine' in the heat of the moment and he left. And that's the last I heard from him.
At first I was being stubborn in not wanting to be the first one to reach out. I do admit it is usually him making the effort after an argument. But eventually I text him and he didn't reply. A couple of days later I called his mobile a few times and he didn't answer. Then I called his work and was told he wasn't available and they would pass a message on to call me.
I don't understand what is going on. I feel like he's punishing me. I know he said he was done in the heat of the moment but I didn't think he meant it. Is this his way of telling me it's over? How can you be so close and aparently in love with someone and then just completely cut them out your life like that?
What should I do?
Accept that it's over?
If he's done, why not just tell me? Why can't we have a conversation?
I'm so sad and I miss him so much, but at the same time hate him for doing this to me. His silence is driving me crazy. We were so close and our relationship was very physical (intimately). Now there is a big hole. I feel so hurt like our relationship was all a big lie because suddenly he's just over it? The good times were the best but there was a lot of messed up shit that happened. We were not in a good place and maybe our personalities just don't work together to be able to have a relationship. He's very intense, I have a bad temper.... but even if that's the case I just want to talk it over.
The only reason I haven't lost my dignity and turned up crying on his doorstep or at his office is because I'm so stubborn, but I fear I'm so close to loosing it....
Help

OP posts:

thenewduchessofhastings · 28/04/2021 07:10

I'd say if you've had no contact for 2 months it's definitely over especially when he's blanked you.

You need to start using the term ex rather than partner.

Time to move on.

Fringeblack · 28/04/2021 07:23

Honestly, just reading this makes me think you should be less interested in this relationship and more concerned about the effect on your two kids being dragged through all this drama and just along for the ride so to speak.
Even if your children aren’t witnesses to the ‘screaming rows’, with glasses smashed etc, they’ll be sensitive to your moods and their environment.

KateWinsome · 28/04/2021 07:56

I don’t know about the ins and outs of this...other posters’ conjecture is not equal to information, so I’m just going on your OP alone

pp posted a link to OP's previous thread. If you'd read that you needn't have wasted your time posting and putting the boot in.

Original poster

Ljones101 · 28/04/2021 07:59

I don't see it how you all seem to see it at all. Maybe it needed more context, or maybe I'm just a horrible person. Some of these comments are really upsetting but maybe its just that the truth hurts.
I'm not gaslighting him. I'm not pushing him away in some game to get him to come back grovelling and begging. Certainly not consciously in any way I'm aware of.
Whenever I have needed space it's because he's fucked with my head and I need time away. Because he's fucked up and I've stepped away knowing it's not right between us. I come close to ending it between us and that's really not just some attention seeking shit. And then he does talk me round and I do go back. Then the cycle repeats. Its not normal or healthy. So its good he's ended it.
I know I have a lot of emotional shit and it's a lot for someone to deal with. I'm sure he will be much better off without me. In time I will probably be better off without him. But he has never ignored me like this before. Its the complete opposite of his previous behaviour. Maybe I subconsciously get a kick out of him acting like he needs me and loves me so much. When things were good it felt nice, but I honestly felt quite suffocated by it sometimes, particularly during a disagreement. I know our relationship wasn't right but I do love him and I feel abandoned by him. It really hurts. I guess I feel its unresolved because of how it ended? I did think I would be the one to leave and on my terms.
That last arguement was quite traumatic for me. I don't really remember half the shit I wrote in my other post cos I was really not in a good place and was in the process of having a breakdown. I had to speak to a doctor the day after I wrote all that.
And I do feel guilty about my kids. They have never really been around him but I get the way if affects me with impact them.

OP posts:

CirqueDeMorgue · 28/04/2021 08:17

I've experienced something similar tbh and when he was (mostly, except for the odd shitty message) ignoring me like never before, he'd met someone else. I know it sucks btw.

litterbird · 28/04/2021 08:19

After reading your previous post in March I think you need to go and get some therapy as to why you have stayed in such a relationship. Thank your lucky stars he has gone. Reflect on your own behaviour. He hasn't abandoned you, you have abandoned yourself through all of this OP. Just rebuild yourself, learn from how your behaviour has affected you and the relationship and understand abusive behaviour from your exes part. Learn never to stay with someone who abuses you. Stop ruminating on this, its thankfully over and done. The constant worrying and mulling this over is taking your energy away from your children. Focus completely on them and your well being and nothing else. Stay away from relationships for some time until you are healed as you are likely to go straight into another abusive relationship.

KateWinsome · 28/04/2021 08:22

OP - it really does sound likes it's over and it's for the best for both of you and your kids. How old are they?

sunshine789 · 28/04/2021 08:35

I think you do need a therapy to figure out why you were staying in such relations and why now when its over you are ready to cry on his doorstep.

I don't understand what is going on He told you its over. He didnt contact you, he doesnt answer you. So IT IS OVER. Accept it and move on.
How can you be so close and aparently in love with someone and then just completely cut them out your life like that? Like what? He said it over, it means no contact. Thats how relations end. You dont chit chat after.

I feel so hurt like our relationship was all a big lie because suddenly he's just over it? Your relations were not a lie, where you taking it from? You relations were just simply bad and its good that they finished.

Aprilx · 28/04/2021 08:44

@Ljones101

Okay, I get it. I've fucked this up and it's over

I think so yes. If I have got this right, you tell him to get out every time you have a row because you need space and finally he said if I go it is for good? If so, good on him. I would too if my DH kept on doing that to me, it is not very nice way to treat somebody.

Fireflygal · 28/04/2021 08:45

Op, you have acknowledged you are experiencing trauma. Getting back with him isn't going to help resolve this, you need time to heal your sympathetic nervous system. Focus on this.

Your dc will do better if you heal and grow from this experience. Not all relationships are meant to last, maybe this one is to help you learn?

CoconutMaracas · 28/04/2021 08:53

@MrsTerryPratchett

If there was one thing I could teach women, it would be, "I love him" isn't the basis for a relationship on it's own. It has to be functional, consensual, bloody pleasant. This dramatic, horrible, dysfunctional mess isn't the basis for anything, particularly not to bring poor innocent children into.

Exactly. You’ve got to be stronger than your heart. Also your existing children don’t need this drama . Better to be alone and focus on them for a while

notthemum · 28/04/2021 08:56

Sorry OP. I think it's a case of exactly what it says on the tin. You told him you needed space. He told you if he went then it was over. You appeared fine with that.
Don't make things any worse for yourself. Messaging, phoning, calling at work ? ? Definitely too much. Accept that it is over. Accept that quite a few people actually mean what they say. Maybe learn to think before you speak. Not so easy for many of us I'm sure, but it can sometimes change the outcome before it is too late. 🍷

2020Diary · 28/04/2021 08:56

I am sorry that you have found some comments harsh, it can happen on MN, I have found to my cost. Whilst the responses may be harsh, I think the sentiments are correct.

I can't comment on your relationship as a whole but I get the impression, from your OP, that this wasn't an isolated incident.
You asked for space and he said if he left it would be for good. You were probably angry when you agreed, but you still did agree.
He has had time 'to get over you' and, unfortunately for you, that is what has happened.

Learn your lesson, give yourself time to grieve and you will find someone else.

OneFootintheRave · 28/04/2021 09:00

I think judging from what you have said about the relationship history, him now "giving you the time of day to talk things through" and "end things properly" may well result in starting up the unhealthy cycle again and he is making sure it really is over. It must hurt but clearly this was not a healthy relationship. Sorry

CrazyNeighbour · 28/04/2021 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alcemeg · 28/04/2021 09:14

It sounds like a toxic relationship has reached its limit.

It is probably for the best that our relationship has ended because we couldn't carry on the way things were but I just didn't want it to be like this. We've been through a lot and I do still love him. I feel he could at least give me the time of day to talk it through. But maybe I am being unreasonable and you're right that he owes me nothing.

One of the problems with relationships ending is that they never end the way we want them to. There is always, always something left that we wish we'd said / done / tried.

As far as your ex-partner is concerned, you've both tried all you can and that's it. He's had enough.

If you do love him at all, you will respect that -- and give him the space to live his life, just as you needed space from him before.

This kind of thing is really tough, but it does get easier with time.

loveheartss · 28/04/2021 09:16

OP I think you will in time realise that what has happened here is for the best. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. I know it's painful when you love someone, and when you are used to someone but it does get better with time.

I think what you need to do now is tell yourself it is over. He may well contact you at some point in the future, it is then up to you to be strong or fall back into the same pattern. Relationships shouldn't be this exhausting.

edwinbear · 28/04/2021 09:16

I've also been on the other side of this. Being told he needed 'space' and he'd 'had a breakdown' and needed to time 'to become him again'. He'd frequently ignore me, then expect us to pick up again where we left off, when he felt like it.

The last time I gave him 'space', I realised in that time, that actually I was better off out of it and really didn't miss him as much as I thought I would. And that actually, he wasn't a very nice man. So he's got all the space he wants now and I won't be going back there again, I'm much happier without the drama in my life. I'm not punishing him, and I liked him very, very much initially, but him asking for space, gave me space too and time to re-evaluate, with the outcome being that I decided we weren't compatible. I'd imagine your ex has done much the same.

Mmn654123 · 28/04/2021 09:42

Sounds like you weren’t well suited.

Calling him at work is just so embarrassing - for all you know he could have a new girlfriend and his colleagues might be aware of that, so having an ex calling really does make you look quite stalker-ish.

Spend some time alone working on your issues and when you meet someone lovely, never go to sleep on an argument.

AlTrabek · 28/04/2021 09:48

Can I just add from my earlier post that there was no abuse or cheating in that relationship. If there was an issue with her kids (adults btw), she would just completely disappear as if she didn't exist, and I would be racked with anxiety and constantly questioning what I'd done wrong to deserve such treatment!

I came to the realisation over the last 14 months that I wasn't prepared to carry on being discarded and emotionally abused anymore.

We all deserve to be with someone who treats us as an equal and not play such damaging mind games.

iforgotyourenotbono · 28/04/2021 10:16

He did tell you - he said if you meant it he wanted a clean break. Your relationship is over, you need to leave him alone.

Ruminating2020 · 28/04/2021 11:44

@Ljones101

I don't see it how you all seem to see it at all. Maybe it needed more context, or maybe I'm just a horrible person. Some of these comments are really upsetting but maybe its just that the truth hurts. I'm not gaslighting him. I'm not pushing him away in some game to get him to come back grovelling and begging. Certainly not consciously in any way I'm aware of. Whenever I have needed space it's because he's fucked with my head and I need time away. Because he's fucked up and I've stepped away knowing it's not right between us. I come close to ending it between us and that's really not just some attention seeking shit. And then he does talk me round and I do go back. Then the cycle repeats. Its not normal or healthy. So its good he's ended it. I know I have a lot of emotional shit and it's a lot for someone to deal with. I'm sure he will be much better off without me. In time I will probably be better off without him. But he has never ignored me like this before. Its the complete opposite of his previous behaviour. Maybe I subconsciously get a kick out of him acting like he needs me and loves me so much. When things were good it felt nice, but I honestly felt quite suffocated by it sometimes, particularly during a disagreement. I know our relationship wasn't right but I do love him and I feel abandoned by him. It really hurts. I guess I feel its unresolved because of how it ended? I did think I would be the one to leave and on my terms. That last arguement was quite traumatic for me. I don't really remember half the shit I wrote in my other post cos I was really not in a good place and was in the process of having a breakdown. I had to speak to a doctor the day after I wrote all that. And I do feel guilty about my kids. They have never really been around him but I get the way if affects me with impact them.

It sounds like an abusive relationship from here because healthy relationships do not go round in circles like the one that you have described here.

When you get back together after a break in this kind of relationship, the bond gets stronger. It doesn't sound like love to me, but some sort of trauma bonding which is why you miss him. You don't have a lot of positive things to say about him and I think you are well out of it. He did you a favour.

Mourn for the loss of relationship, but you may look back in the future and be relieved that you are no longer in it and it wasn't a healthy fulfilling one. There shouldn't be this much drama in an authentic, respectful relationship.

Wishing you well in your recovery.

gannett · 28/04/2021 12:09

I know our relationship wasn't right but I do love him

What do you mean by "love"?

To me being in love with someone implies a sense of safety, security, comfort, ease around them.

When I was younger I used to think that intense feeling of needing someone to want me - and the intense validation I got if they did, or if they showed they did - was love. I was wrong - that wasn't love, it was insecurity.

Taikoo · 28/04/2021 12:30

Yeah, it's over.
Move on.

Original poster

Ljones101 · 28/04/2021 12:55

By love, I probably do just mean 'need' and 'lust'. It is a very intense 'need' I have for him. If he came here right now and we made up I would feel complete, like a missing part put back together. We would have sex and it would be out of this world. We would probably spend the whole afternoon in bed, unable to keep our hands off each other. But would I really be happy? Would that be love? Or would I just be grateful that he was there again? Grateful that he wanted me so much.
I have lost myself in needing him. Needing him to look after me, fix me, depending on him too much for my emotional wellbeing. I wasn't like that before I met him. I was ok being by myself. I coped just fine.

OP posts:

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