I said I needed space but now he's completely cut me off

[Ljones101]

2 months ago I told my partner I needed space. There was a lot going on in our relationship and I was struggling. I know that he finds it hard to give me space after we argue because he wants me close and feels like I'm pushing him away and that's a trigger for him. He said if he left that would be it because he needed a clean break. I said 'fine' in the heat of the moment and he left. And that's the last I heard from him.
At first I was being stubborn in not wanting to be the first one to reach out. I do admit it is usually him making the effort after an argument. But eventually I text him and he didn't reply. A couple of days later I called his mobile a few times and he didn't answer. Then I called his work and was told he wasn't available and they would pass a message on to call me.
I don't understand what is going on. I feel like he's punishing me. I know he said he was done in the heat of the moment but I didn't think he meant it. Is this his way of telling me it's over? How can you be so close and aparently in love with someone and then just completely cut them out your life like that?
What should I do?
Accept that it's over?
If he's done, why not just tell me? Why can't we have a conversation?
I'm so sad and I miss him so much, but at the same time hate him for doing this to me. His silence is driving me crazy. We were so close and our relationship was very physical (intimately). Now there is a big hole. I feel so hurt like our relationship was all a big lie because suddenly he's just over it? The good times were the best but there was a lot of messed up shit that happened. We were not in a good place and maybe our personalities just don't work together to be able to have a relationship. He's very intense, I have a bad temper.... but even if that's the case I just want to talk it over.
The only reason I haven't lost my dignity and turned up crying on his doorstep or at his office is because I'm so stubborn, but I fear I'm so close to loosing it....
Help

@Ljones101

Okay, I get it. I've fucked this up and it's over

That's about the size of it, I'm afraid.

Never mind, chin up. Life has a steep learning curve and we can't always get it right.

I had this for over 7 years. She is an avoidant type and would gaslight then go radio silent until I reached out and this continued the same pattern over and over again. Even though I was upset and to be honest less heartbroken the last time it happened, I decided that this wasn't good for my mental health anymore, and I deserved more.

Somewhere inside you, you come to the realisation that it's not meant to be, and you move on.

This is coming from a male perspective so it's not exclusively something that only men do.

From his perspective you broke up.
Two months later you contact him repeatedly and escalate to contacting his place of employment.

A nice word to describe that action would be inappropriate. The words popping into his head probably aren’t as kind.

I always think it sounds a bit mean when people on here say, “you sound like hard work.”

But on reading your OP, that was exactly the phrase that sprang to mind 😬.

Let him go, and hopefully you can work on yourself, and then find someone more suited to you.

Good luck!

From your other threads-

You were together for about 18 months.
Don’t live together.
You have two children from a previous relationship.
He’s controlling.
He’s been rough during sex.
He constantly wanted to know where you are.
You had a traumatic end to an unplanned requiring hospitalisation due to an ectopic.
He wanted you both to try god a baby, you don’t want to.
He left two months ago.

Honestly, OP, this is a shitfest. You’re better off without him.

@Daisylg

Never ever contact him at work again, that is so over the line. He has made it clear he does not wish to speak to you, DO NOT get his work involved or risk getting him Into trouble there. You wanted him to grovel and instead he grew a backbone and said no more. Let it be and learn in your next relationship you can’t click your fingers and have your way and have somebody always to be the one saying sorry after arguments, being an adult means admitting when you are wrong, not blaming being ‘stubborn’ for why you can’t apologise. I’ve been on the other end of this and it’s horrible

So have I.

It makes you feel awful.

The radio silence, the gaslighting, then the final acceptance when youve ran yourself into the ground.

@AlTrabek

I had this for over 7 years. She is an avoidant type and would gaslight then go radio silent until I reached out and this continued the same pattern over and over again. Even though I was upset and to be honest less heartbroken the last time it happened, I decided that this wasn't good for my mental health anymore, and I deserved more.

Somewhere inside you, you come to the realisation that it's not meant to be, and you move on.

This is coming from a male perspective so it's not exclusively something that only men do.

I don't think I'm tough enough to be posting on here
Maybe I am in denial, and I know you don't know the ins and outs of our relationship, but I don't think that I was ever giving him the silent treatment for attention or to play games. It wasn't a test... its just how I deal with things. I push away, he tries to pull me in. I found it suffocating.

I said I wanted space. He said he couldn't give me that and it would have to be a break for good if he left. What was I supposed to do? Tell him to stay and continue the screaming row? I needed him away from me so I said 'fine' to get him to leave.
We argued that night because he was suggesting trying for a baby and our relationship was really not in that place. So one day you want a family with me and the next you've cut me out of your life for good? I just can't understand that and I really struggle to accept it.

It was a few weeks before I text him. I didn't leave it 2 months. Partly it was like I said- I was being stubborn. But I also had some stuff going on and had a bit of a breakdown and I really did just need space to get my shit together. It wasn't just some petty argument, it was quite traumatic so I thought he would be in touch and I was angry that he hadn't reached out, so held a grudge and didn't get in touch with him. I get that it was really immature. Lesson learnt.

It is probably for the best that our relationship has ended because we couldn't carry on the way things were but I just didn't want it to be like this. We've been through a lot and I do still love him. I feel he could at least give me the time of day to talk it through. But maybe I am being unreasonable and you're right that he owes me nothing.

I don't think a couple of texts and phone calls is harassment. And it's not a big deal that I called him at work because he owns the company. He has a pa who answered the phone. I have called him there many times before when we were together.

If the poster who has seen your previous threads is correct on what he's like etc you're way better off without him.

@NiceGerbil

If the poster who has seen your previous threads is correct on what he's like etc you're way better off without him.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4184160-Relationship-after-loss-advice

If there was one thing I could teach women, it would be, "I love him" isn't the basis for a relationship on it's own. It has to be functional, consensual, bloody pleasant. This dramatic, horrible, dysfunctional mess isn't the basis for anything, particularly not to bring poor innocent children into.

Well, you said you needed some space.and now you have got some. He probably doesn't want all this messing around in a relationship., as it's all a bit bothersome, and you make things worse for yourself by trying to contact him all the time. Leave him be, he is probably enjoying his own space now.

you sound like my soon to be ex partner.
Except I have played this role for 30 years.

I have finally found the courage to clean the slate. I am tired of the emotional labour.
If I could count the times he has needed space and walked out in a sudden fit that leaves me reeling.......it is liberating to move on.

Like a PP said, different communication styles and expectations. I wish had gone sooner. I still love my partner but we will be far better off as friends.

I could have written your post OP. If I'm upset I go quiet but he pushes and then I end up saying I need space. We've had our share of drama/upset too but mostly things he's done. He says, "But we love each other" etc.
After a few days I usually calm down and think things aren't too bad and get drawn in again.
It's not healthy. We have different attachment styles. I feel sorry for him as he seems desperate for love whereas I'm not.
I think you're best off out of this OP and accept its over. Hopefully he won't contact you and I don't say that to be cruel.

VodselForDinner
From your other threads-

You were together for about 18 months.
Don’t live together.
You have two children from a previous relationship.*
He’s controlling.
He’s been rough during sex.
He constantly wanted to know where you are.*
You had a traumatic end to an unplanned requiring* hospitalisation due to an ectopic.
He wanted you both to try for a baby, you don’t want to.
He left two months ago.

Based on the above OP the 2 of you were in a trauma relationship. & It can't have been good for your children at all.

It would be worthwhile talking to a counsellor as to why you want a return to such a situation.

He's gone as you requested and your feelings about that, moving towards acceptance, can also be incorporated into the counselling you need.

You can access online counselling. Or, talk to your GP.

@Ljones101 If someone did to me what you did to him, I'd respond in the same way. I have more self esteem than to let someone drop me and then pick me up when they feel like it, with no regard for my feelings. They would be blocked on everything.

I let my ex do this to me and stuck around trying to win him back- how sad is that? And it turned out to be a big mistake.

He's done, why not just tell me?

He doesn't owe you anything after how you acted towards him.

But I also had some stuff going on and had a bit of a breakdown and I really did just need space to get my shit together

He is a human too, with emotions. His feelings are just as important as yours.

As PP's have said, he doesn't sound like a nice guy anyway.

It doesn’t sound like a happy, healthy relationship for either of you. Plus it’s been two months, I think he’s your ex now and it’s time to move on.

Most posters on your other thread found him very controlling.

In your words, he had always been authoritative and wanted his way, but that has escalated. After he found you passed out from a surprise ruptured ectopic pregnancy, he became uber ‘protective,’ but it felt obsessive and smothering. He insisted on knowing your every move.

He was devastated about the ectopic, and although you empathized with his feelings, you were pragmatic about this pregnancy that you hadn’t even known about. He became highly agitated that you weren’t gutted like he was and refused to accept that. He accused you of not opening up to him and being dishonest about your true feelings. He was very angry. You recently argued because he suddenly wanted to TTC but you knew that was a bad idea right now. You understandably felt stressed and smothered and needed space to breathe.

You listed examples of his caring behavior, but also admitted that he had thrown a glass at a wall right next to you, threatened you when drunk, and been rough during sex when angry about a situation unrelated to you.

It’s best that you are not together, OP. Yes, there has been discordant behavior and communication, but the major dysfunction is his need for control and his aggressive behavior.

I don’t know about the ins and outs of this...other posters’ conjecture is not equal to information, so I’m just going on your OP alone.
You say you’ve got a bad temper and that it’s generally left to him to smooth things over after an argument.
I wonder if he has just run out of gas for this arrangement. Bad tempered people are usually disproportionate, rude, disrespectful and aggressive people. To then have to continually be the bigger person and put things right after being on the receiving end of that temper soon gets very fucking old indeed. He’s probably sick of it. Angry people are a drain and pain in the arse...their sense of entitlement to treat others poorly, twinned with their outlandish behaviour makes them an unattractive prospect as a life partner.
Maybe you should think about your temper and why it’s always left to him to sort out the aftermath of a row. If you blow up and shout then expect the other person to apologise you’re going to run in to problems throughout your relationships. So you’re stubborn...so what? You’ll be stubborn on your own then.

He doesn’t respect your wishes sbd boundaries. You’ve dodged a bullet. It might not feel like that at the moment, but you have.

He did tell you. Why does there need to be extended conversations afterwards? You said you needed space and you got it. Maybe he's had enough if the drama being with you entails. Let him move on and move on yourself. Perhaps wait until you're ready for another relationship rather than dragging another man into all the drama of arguments and silent treatment. It's not the most emotionally developed way if 'dealing with things' and most men eventually get sick of it and walk away.

OP, from your other threads he sounds really unpleasant, and has been aggressive towards you. I know it feels shit now, but you haven't fucked up at all. You followed your instincts in insisting on space - this was self-protective and absolutely the right thing to do. It's not surprising that you're feeling confused now. You've been through a lot. But try to hold onto the fact that you did the right thing, and your gut instincts protected you by telling you what you needed. He is not the right partner for you.

On the face of it, you dumped him and now can’t believe he won’t come back. My ex was exactly the same - dumped me several times - the last time I decided to stay dumped - he was absolutely furious and it totally fucked with his head. But you reap what you sow....

However, in this case there do seem to be lots of mitigating circumstances for you treating him like this, as he sounds like a difficult person (if not abusive in fact - the sex, throwing a glass etc). So your head is probably wrecked. Asking him to leave was in fact the right decision. It’s understandable you miss aspects of the relationship now - and that you would at least like the chance to say a proper goodbye to someone who has been a big part of your life - but really, try and stick by your guns. This man is no good for you.....

@peardrops1

OP, from your other threads he sounds really unpleasant, and has been aggressive towards you. I know it feels shit now, but you haven't fucked up at all. You followed your instincts in insisting on space - this was self-protective and absolutely the right thing to do. It's not surprising that you're feeling confused now. You've been through a lot. But try to hold onto the fact that you did the right thing, and your gut instincts protected you by telling you what you needed. He is not the right partner for you.

Snap! Exactly what she said....

@GreyhoundG1rl

You sound like a child, op, tbh. Claiming to not understand how it happened, because he should have known you telling him to go wasn't supposed to be taken seriously. You must have been such hard work.

This. Just leave him be. Contacting him at work is so inappropriate.