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Original poster

I said I needed space but now he's completely cut me off

106 replies

Ljones101 · 27/04/2021 22:29

2 months ago I told my partner I needed space. There was a lot going on in our relationship and I was struggling. I know that he finds it hard to give me space after we argue because he wants me close and feels like I'm pushing him away and that's a trigger for him. He said if he left that would be it because he needed a clean break. I said 'fine' in the heat of the moment and he left. And that's the last I heard from him.
At first I was being stubborn in not wanting to be the first one to reach out. I do admit it is usually him making the effort after an argument. But eventually I text him and he didn't reply. A couple of days later I called his mobile a few times and he didn't answer. Then I called his work and was told he wasn't available and they would pass a message on to call me.
I don't understand what is going on. I feel like he's punishing me. I know he said he was done in the heat of the moment but I didn't think he meant it. Is this his way of telling me it's over? How can you be so close and aparently in love with someone and then just completely cut them out your life like that?
What should I do?
Accept that it's over?
If he's done, why not just tell me? Why can't we have a conversation?
I'm so sad and I miss him so much, but at the same time hate him for doing this to me. His silence is driving me crazy. We were so close and our relationship was very physical (intimately). Now there is a big hole. I feel so hurt like our relationship was all a big lie because suddenly he's just over it? The good times were the best but there was a lot of messed up shit that happened. We were not in a good place and maybe our personalities just don't work together to be able to have a relationship. He's very intense, I have a bad temper.... but even if that's the case I just want to talk it over.
The only reason I haven't lost my dignity and turned up crying on his doorstep or at his office is because I'm so stubborn, but I fear I'm so close to loosing it....
Help

OP posts:
CrazyNeighbour · 27/04/2021 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oceanbliss · 27/04/2021 23:39

Stop texting and calling him it’s over. It will be more healing to you to start focusing on your single life and accept that the relationship has come to an end.

Everybody has the right to healthy boundaries with others. He has communicated his boundaries with you: Clean break. Relationship ended. Does not want to remain in contact with you.

Don’t violate his boundaries. Your pain and grief is not his responsibility to deal with it. It is your responsibility to deal with it.

Respect his boundaries, take some time to look after yourself, experience the grief, cry, rest and do stuff that you like to help you (watch a favourite move, bubble bath, eat chocolate). Eventually, it won’t be so painful.

Develop some independence and work on you for a bit.

Oceanbliss · 27/04/2021 23:42

Watch a favourite movie not move.

Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 23:53

OP -

he told you he'd need a clean break becuase he couldn't cope with your behaviour and you said fine.

so to answer your question of "how can you love someone and cut them off" - you did.

I have dealt with someone like you. They destroyed me. My sympathies are with him

You made your bed.

He's not punishing you, you are not the victim.

Original poster
Ljones101 · 27/04/2021 23:54

Okay, I get it. I've fucked this up and it's over Sad

OP posts:
Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 23:56

Not necessarily.

In your shoes?

I'd message him , not now but in a week or so, and tell hm you are sorry and you love him and you want to work it out

What he does is up to him.

You have learned a hard lesson.

Sunflower1970 · 27/04/2021 23:56

I feel for you. It’s painful but he’s called your bluff in your game and you’ve lost him. Learn from this and leave him be. He’s moved on and got his clean beak

Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 23:57

"know that he finds it hard to give me space after we argue because he wants me close and feels like I'm pushing him away and that's a trigger for him. "

I've been on his side. Sorry if I was harsh. But its as horrible as what you're feeling now.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/04/2021 23:57

"If he's done, why not just tell me?"

He did - "He said if he left that would be it because he needed a clean break. "

It sounds as if there were a lot of arguments and drama. Relationships really aren't meant to be that hard.

Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 23:59

Its hard when someone who needs space meets someone who struggles with stonewalling.

abricotine · 28/04/2021 00:01

It’s like that song, “I need a little time”. Sorry OP, he said he needed a clean break and he is true to his word. If you needed a break anyway, maybe it was headed this way anyway. People deal with break up in different ways and this is his way I guess. Good luck moving on.

Mehoooole · 28/04/2021 00:02

I wouldn't be waiting around for months for someone who needed space to ring me.

Mydogmylife · 28/04/2021 00:07

@Ljones101

Okay, I get it. I've fucked this up and it's over Sad
Sadly, I rather think so.
Guavafish · 28/04/2021 00:10

Sorry about your situation but it does sound toxic. Maybe it’s best to have a fresh start

Butwasitherdriveway · 28/04/2021 00:10

I feel for you OP. it's a horrible feeling when you feel that desperate (i dont mean it like that), I'm referring to your wanting to just see him.

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/04/2021 00:11

He took you seriously, and the space seems to be working for him... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Flowers500 · 28/04/2021 00:12

It’s over and you need to stop contacting him. Contacting him at work is massively innapropriate. You need to respect he makes his own decisions.

TedMullins · 28/04/2021 00:21

Walk away, don’t contact him, and get some therapy. I’d hazard a guess this was almost like a test - you wanted him to prove how much he loved you by grovelling. That’s not a healthy way to show love, it’s a toxic dynamic and the entire relationship sounds toxic if arguing was that frequent. You clearly have different needs when it comes to resolving disagreements and you admit that you have a temper and it’s usually him who smooths things over. This isn’t sustainable - it’s codependency. He needs to claw back your affection and you feed off his grovelling. That’s not a beneficial or enriching experience for either of you, and he’s done the right thing by walking away. You need to draw a line under this and move on, and invest in some deep talking therapy that’ll help you get to the bottom of why you form unhealthy attachments. I’m saying this as someone who used to do similar things - say things I couldn’t take back in the heat of the moment and regret it later. I’m a much healthier person emotionally after a year of therapy.

BlueVelvetStars · 28/04/2021 00:23

You wanted space you got it, and to he fair to him, he did tell you if he left it was over.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 28/04/2021 00:27

You've just got very different relationship needs. It wasn't really working. He told you his line. You said that was fine and it's over. It's not necessarily you fucking it up.

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/04/2021 00:29

You sound like a child, op, tbh. Claiming to not understand how it happened, because he should have known you telling him to go wasn't supposed to be taken seriously.
You must have been such hard work.

NiceGerbil · 28/04/2021 00:31

You have no kids and are not married and if he's gone with no contact like that presumably don't own a property together or anything else like that?

How long were you together? Must be years from your reaction I'm assuming?

You've split up. You obviously didn't communicate well. You were having problems.

It's done. No one's fault wasn't meant to be.

I know it's hard. Way easier said than done. But he doesn't want to talk to you. It's been 2 months. It's over. You won't get anything by trying to talk to him. You'll just lose dignity.

Have some time with family/ friends and move on sorry.

PickAChew · 28/04/2021 00:34

This sounds exhausting. You're better off apart.

Butwasitherdriveway · 28/04/2021 00:42

@TedMullins

Walk away, don’t contact him, and get some therapy. I’d hazard a guess this was almost like a test - you wanted him to prove how much he loved you by grovelling. That’s not a healthy way to show love, it’s a toxic dynamic and the entire relationship sounds toxic if arguing was that frequent. You clearly have different needs when it comes to resolving disagreements and you admit that you have a temper and it’s usually him who smooths things over. This isn’t sustainable - it’s codependency. He needs to claw back your affection and you feed off his grovelling. That’s not a beneficial or enriching experience for either of you, and he’s done the right thing by walking away. You need to draw a line under this and move on, and invest in some deep talking therapy that’ll help you get to the bottom of why you form unhealthy attachments. I’m saying this as someone who used to do similar things - say things I couldn’t take back in the heat of the moment and regret it later. I’m a much healthier person emotionally after a year of therapy.
I've been the other side. It's awful
Daisylg · 28/04/2021 00:47

Never ever contact him at work again, that is so over the line. He has made it clear he does not wish to speak to you, DO NOT get his work involved or risk getting him Into trouble there. You wanted him to grovel and instead he grew a backbone and said no more. Let it be and learn in your next relationship you can’t click your fingers and have your way and have somebody always to be the one saying sorry after arguments, being an adult means admitting when you are wrong, not blaming being ‘stubborn’ for why you can’t apologise. I’ve been on the other end of this and it’s horrible