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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New chap scared of his ex wife

78 replies

surlycurly · 27/04/2021 12:30

Not going to be too specific as it's potentially outing, but my new chap (6mth relationship but progressed/ accelerated as a result of forming an extended household over lockdown) is scared of his ex wife re access to his children. He accommodates her all the time, changing plans with me last minute. He never says no. To be clear, I have no issue with him spending time with his kids, but jumping though hoops to ensure she's always happy means that I am not. Eg the bank holiday coming up- we made plans and now he's said that she has emailed that he has to have the kids most of it. He's cancelling plans with me as a result. We have had several dramas because of last minute changes of plan, or demands from her (not with me but between them). I'm not into the drama, nor do I like the feeling like I'm the one he can offend and I'll consequently have to play second fiddle. Any advice? My gut feeling is to walk. I really adore him though and had hoped that this would be a significant relationship.

OP posts:

Hawkmoth · 27/04/2021 12:31

Yeah walk. I wish I had.

Holothane · 27/04/2021 12:32

I’d walk to be honest.

StrawberryFizz26 · 27/04/2021 12:34

Leave.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/04/2021 12:35

Unfortunately this is not going to be a significant relationship because atm he is always prioritising his DC. Nothing wrong with that, but it means that he is not available to have the type of relationship that you want.

Walk away and find someone more suitable.

seensome · 27/04/2021 12:36

I would not put up with someone making repeat cancellations on me.

RedMarauder · 27/04/2021 12:36

Have a read of the step-parents board.

Then walk away very quickly from dating this man.

If you date any man with kids make sure all the below apply -

The man is paying maintenance for the kids if they don't live with him 50% or more of the time,
The man has consistent boundaries with their kids' mother about what he does and doesn't do
The man disciplines his kids in a way you agree with, and doesn't act like a Disney Dad when his children are with him.
The man see his kids regularly to a schedule you are happy with if the kids don't live with him full-time.
You actually like the kids most of the time.

UhtredRagnarson · 27/04/2021 12:36

Follow that gut feeling.

Tallybeebloom · 27/04/2021 12:39

Go with yout gut. My DP has a nightmare ex and it's hard enough just dealing with the crap she throws at us but he does really stand up to her which is what means we can deal with it and I feel we're a team. I honestly couldn't do it if he didn't.

ZombeaArthur · 27/04/2021 12:40

Although his children should be his top priority, you also matter and deserve better than to be discarded whenever his ex calls. Maybe now just isn’t the right time for him to be in a relationship, but I certainly wouldn’t stick around for this in your shoes.

Dozer · 27/04/2021 12:40

Yeah, wouldn’t sounds like he has issues to resolve as regards his divorce, parenting etc. And that he isn’t reliable on when you’ll see him etc.

At the very least, would row right back from the ‘accelerated’ and ‘extended household’ thing.

Tallybeebloom · 27/04/2021 12:40

@RedMarauder
I think that is excellent advice for anyone getting involved with someone with children!

YoniAndGuy · 27/04/2021 12:54

Walk!!!!!!

Original poster

surlycurly · 27/04/2021 12:58

Thanks everyone. Pretty conclusive then. I'm very clear about my own value and it would seem that he doesn't value me as much as I think he should. It's just going to be a pattern of weakness, isn't it? And I agree to his kids being the priority; just not the ex wife.

OP posts:

Clovertoast · 27/04/2021 13:09

Do you have DC of your own ?
If you don't then you need to walk.

You don't want to be second fiddle to his dc, but if he's a decent dad you always will be, at least for a good few years till they are grown.
It's hard I know.
If you can get out before you're overinvested then do.

Original poster

surlycurly · 27/04/2021 13:11

I have two DC that are teens. I have to change plans with/ for them whenever this happens. I think he's oblivious to that. We just talked about this last week too, as I was annoyed that it happened again then. It feels like he's made the choice for me.

OP posts:

MMMarmite · 27/04/2021 13:15

I'd walk. Obviously in an emergency the kids come first, and if he has no plans then it's nice to be flexible with the ex to help her out. But he is choosing to bend over backwards for her, which means there is no space in his life for you. Fine if he wants to make that choice, but you shouldn't put up with it if it doesn't work for you.

OrchestraOfWankery · 27/04/2021 13:16

I have to change plans with/ for them whenever this happens

You're proritising this man over your DC. He's prioritising his DC over you.

Original poster

surlycurly · 27/04/2021 13:19

@OrchestraOfWankery you're right. That's what I said to him last week. He's clearly not as committed to this as I am.

OP posts:

CervixHaver · 27/04/2021 13:20

This is interesting. There was a thread almost identical to this about 4 months ago. OP got absolutely SAVAGED for daring to be even slightly miffed that her DP jumped whenever the mother of his kids told him to. Exactly the same scenario in terms of the ex.

However I do agree with above advice, to walk away

Original poster

surlycurly · 27/04/2021 13:26

@CervixHaver I wasn't sure what response I'd get to be honest. Because I believe that there should be some flexibility in situations. But he lives in fear of her denying him access, and also of potentially causing trouble with the ex. He sees plenty of his kids; that's not the issue, so I don't have any concerns about that. But this fear, or desire for an easy life, stops him standing up to her. He's prepared to let me down though. I think I'm answering my own question here.

OP posts:

edwinbear · 27/04/2021 13:28

I would imagine he would actually prefer to spend the BH weekend with his DC though, but is using her as an excuse to let you down. Many men who are NRP are very happy with the prospect of extra time with their DC, so if their ex asks if they can have the DC, they jump at the chance, regardless of pre-exiting plans. It wouldn't be for me.

edwinbear · 27/04/2021 13:29

pre existing

Gilda152 · 27/04/2021 13:29

Walk away. His children are his priority as they should be and that comes with the baggage of their mum too. You're not his priority and that's going to be hard to stomach and such is life with a separated parent - it's not for everyone.

Original poster

surlycurly · 27/04/2021 13:31

I've been in a successful relationship with someone before who had kids. He met his responsibilities and yet had pretty grim boundaries. As I have myself with my own ex. Clearly I'm just not important enough. Not going to hang about to hope it develops that way as I feel pretty hurt just now. That could only get worse. Not sure I want to get my heart broken here.

OP posts:

idrinkchocolatemilk · 27/04/2021 13:33

Walk away from the man child. Kids don’t have to come first in every single situation, sometimes they can hear the word no.

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