New chap scared of his ex wife

[surlycurly]

Not going to be too specific as it's potentially outing, but my new chap (6mth relationship but progressed/ accelerated as a result of forming an extended household over lockdown) is scared of his ex wife re access to his children. He accommodates her all the time, changing plans with me last minute. He never says no. To be clear, I have no issue with him spending time with his kids, but jumping though hoops to ensure she's always happy means that I am not. Eg the bank holiday coming up- we made plans and now he's said that she has emailed that he has to have the kids most of it. He's cancelling plans with me as a result. We have had several dramas because of last minute changes of plan, or demands from her (not with me but between them). I'm not into the drama, nor do I like the feeling like I'm the one he can offend and I'll consequently have to play second fiddle. Any advice? My gut feeling is to walk. I really adore him though and had hoped that this would be a significant relationship.

Walk away

Sorry I see you did Walk Away

you deserve better 🌸

Well done OP 👏

@surlycurly

So I messaged him earlier saying how the situation makes me feel like I'm not prioritised and that really doesn't leave me anywhere to go, in view of our recent conversation. He's read and ignored it. Jings, it looks like I've seriously misjudged this one.

Oh op. I'm sorry that sucks. Good for you for recognising it though. And you're not demanding. Why is it when women set their own reasonable boundaries, they're called 'demanding' ? So much internalised misogyny 🙄

She dictates everything

How old are his children, how long separated? It could be his children want input on times as the Ex can only make a request (unless the dc are insisting) and he has a choice.

I think moving too quickly has contributed to this. He hasn't sorted out his boundaries or contact before being in a relationship so relies on you to flex so accommodate his issues.

Say no and see how his attitude to you changes, however I would just move on as he is bringing you into his chaos.

@Fireflygal you might want to read the full thread?

Thanks all. I got a huge message last night about how it's all really unfortunate and how he'd be more organised in future etc, etc, but at no stage did he say he'd deal with the issues between him and his ex. Indeed, he implied the opposite. Told me he's not able to cope with confrontations with her and so he's accepting of her demands. There would be three people in this relationship, were it to continue and so I just told him it was over. I've heard nothing since.

I know it's hard but you've really done the right thing for yourself here.

Aw thanks @Tallybeebloom. I'm sure I'll feel that way eventually too but it's just at the raw stage just now!

Told me he's not able to cope with confrontations with her and so he's accepting of her demands.

I think you've dodged a bullet there. I don't think he's quite as great as he might at first appear if he basically takes the easy way out of difficult situations. My OH's ex can be an utter nightmare and we have occasionally had to change things, but never to this extent. OH has good boundaries in place. He puts his child first, as he should, but he is also considerate of my feelings.

Sorry OP. I think you did the right thing though.

I've seen your update but you are only 6 months in . How long has he been apart from his wife ? My now h was a bit like this when we first met and his ex was delighted to fuck up any plans that we had - she would just take off eg and leave teen girl at home . Initially he went with the flow for the sake of the kids ( and there are masses of men who do this ) but gradually realised what a dick she was being . Once she finally sold the marital home he did not get involved in things like " the shower is leaking " etc crap. This didn't happen overnight though and I think at 6 months you are quite early on int he relationship . It's your choice though of course .

@MrsMaizel he's been divorced for three years (his choice). His kids are wee. His wife is not. He's a very anxious, avoidant personality. I don't think he's likely to stand up to her now. He takes everything she says quite badly. We have had several conversations about the impact she still has on him. I could persevere and have lots of lovely moments and fall completely in love, and still have to go through this in another six months or a year. I can't face it. I just don't do drama.

He probably needs therapy himself, she sounds very controlling, despite being separated, it's no way for him to live. I hope he seeks self help OP, but personally I think for your sake you did the right thing. 🌸

OP In making right decisions which you have,you will always find it hurts and its tough to deal with. You made the right call and it will hurt you and you have to accept that too so be kind to yourself,Have space to heal and get over your hurt and disappointment, You sound so sensible and level headed but you do deserve more and you will get it with someone who can handle their issues better, I wish you well going forward, One step in front of the other till you feel better its all you can do,x

Thanks @lazylump72 - I really needed to hear that. Am very flat this morning.

Agree with most of what’s been posted but just to add that being a divorced dad can feel like you’re in a very vulnerable position. You are always aware that the power to stop you seeing your kids could be exercised at any time for any reason. There is a temptation to “keep the peace” because you know you have very little power, and to exercise that via formal channels would take a long time and probably make things worse.

It’s always hanging over you, so I do have sympathy with dads who don’t rock the boat

@BillMasen I think that hits the nail on the head. His situation is further complicated by an EU residency issue. I feel for him, I really do, but he needs to go through the proper channels and not wear that anxiety like a badge, to my detriment

Bravo to you making the right decision for you and your children. My dh's ex dictates everything under fear of keeping dsc away from their dad. He's got better over the years of standing up to her but it's a case of rolling over and letting her have her own way most of the time. It's really really hard living under the whim of a woman i wouldn't give the time of day to normally. My dh is an amazing man but this is definitely his weak spot. I only put up with it because he's so amazing in so many ways. But, we talk all the time and if I've got a problem with something he will listen to me and we work on it together. We've only got a few more years til we don't have to deal with her any more. Counting down the seconds. You've definitely done the right thing for you.

@BiologyMatters I'm glad you feel like you are a team as the situation sounds awful. I'm too early in this relationship to accept a lot of what would be required to feel the same. And if he showed any real understanding of that then I'd probably have stuck with him. But telling me he has no plans to stand up to her, on the back of a conversation in which he acknowledged the lack of fairness to me, well it feels like he's made a choice. And I don't compete with anyone for the attention or emotion of a man, never mind going up against his ex wife. And I won't plead with him to do what I want either. If he doesn't think I'm worth causing himself a little distress for, the I'm barking up the wrong tree for a proper relationship.

Absolutely. You've done the right thing and it goes to show you've got incredibly strong boundaries.

Tell him you aren't prepared to play second fiddle to his ex wife anymore and that you wish him well finding someone who will put up with it.

@Devlesko

Tell him you aren't prepared to play second fiddle to his ex wife anymore and that you wish him well finding someone who will put up with it.

I think that’s a bit simplistic. A decent dad would not put a new relationship ahead of seeing his kids, and that may be what it feels like when demands like that are made.

“Stand up to her or we’re done” is all well and good but if that really means “risk not seeing your kids or we’re done” then it’s kids first I’m afraid.

I think a lot of mums/women don’t understand how shit scary it is to have your entire relationship with your kids, your ability to see them, at the whim of someone else.

Not that I’m disagreeing with the OPs actions here. Everyone can set their limits. Just that it’s often being between a rock and a hard place for the dad

@BillMasen I appreciate that, I really do. But I also have kids and I have a responsibility to them. I can't change plans and mess them about all the time either. I'm lucky that my two are older and I'm not having to mess my own ex about as a result. But I do have to ensure that I'm not being taken for granted or my kids aren't expected to suffer because he wants to please his ex wife out of a fear of causing problems for his kids. Both sets of kids need to have equal weight and consideration. And the law is there to protect him from her unreasonable whims. Taking the path of least resistance isn't alway the right one. He will spend his life under her thumb and will lose me in the process.

And the law is there to protect him from her unreasonable whims. Taking the path of least resistance isn't alway the right one. He will spend his life under her thumb and will lose me in the process.

Well yes and no. The law should put the DC first, and that should mean regulated contact which then protects each parent from the whims of the other. My (male) DP went to court to sort out contact and he now has custody, because that is what is best for his DC.