New chap scared of his ex wife

[surlycurly]

Not going to be too specific as it's potentially outing, but my new chap (6mth relationship but progressed/ accelerated as a result of forming an extended household over lockdown) is scared of his ex wife re access to his children. He accommodates her all the time, changing plans with me last minute. He never says no. To be clear, I have no issue with him spending time with his kids, but jumping though hoops to ensure she's always happy means that I am not. Eg the bank holiday coming up- we made plans and now he's said that she has emailed that he has to have the kids most of it. He's cancelling plans with me as a result. We have had several dramas because of last minute changes of plan, or demands from her (not with me but between them). I'm not into the drama, nor do I like the feeling like I'm the one he can offend and I'll consequently have to play second fiddle. Any advice? My gut feeling is to walk. I really adore him though and had hoped that this would be a significant relationship.

If have more sympathy if it was the kids; he missed them. But he's weak with her. It would be a blight on the relationship moving forward if he can't ever say no to her. She dictates everything

He needs to sort out his issues first as this situation is hugely unfair to you or any other woman that’d get involved with him for that matter.

You’re not an option, you’re a priority!

Nothing wrong in him saying yes to seeing his kids....and changing his plans to make that happen...don't blame his ex if that's how they roll then its unlikely to change.....but if you want to be a higher priority than them..or even equal after only 6months.... then thus isn't the one for you.....think your being quite demanding really..

Why do you have to change plans...with your dc

At least equal is the way to go - bin him, you deserve better.

He rarely gains any time with them, so he's not doing it for that. Eg, he usually has them a Friday night and they go back to their mum at 7pm Saturday. She changes it last minute to drop them off at 11am on Saturday and then collects them 12pm the next day- meaning his weekend is effectively gone (we usually see each other day night). The change means he gets no more time but it means it ruins our weekend as we don't live in the same place and transport has been tricky in lockdown. One of my kids has a job and I can't commit to giving them lifts etc if changes last minute. Not fair on them. Equally having to change my plans now that life has reopened because it's changing last minute.

You’re not being demanding, your gut is screaming at you and you owe it yourself and your children to listen to it and walk away.

When a parent wants a romantic relationship, they have to be able to balance the people in their lives. This one isn’t ready to do that. He may never be.

I’m a step mum. DH has clear, healthy, normal boundaries with his ex. We wouldn’t be together if he didn’t. There’s a difference between dealing with emergencies and being a doormat. Don’t settle for a doormat.

Sorry the end of my last comment didn't make sense. I don't want to have to cancel seeing my friends because he's changing plans with me last minute. I would feel like a doormat indeed. Might be worth it for the love of my life. Clearly that's not him.

No it isn't going to be him and it's healthy you've not only seen that but accepted it too. Now all that's left is your action.

I wouldn't walk...I'd fucking run!

Relationships should be easy. Especially 6 months in. This just sounds like bs drama. And itll only get worse.

@Wanderlusto that's exactly it; it feels like hard work. It's terrific when we're together but we can't exist in a vacuum. And I'm not going to be a mug. Will have to speak to him tonight.

Definitely walk, it takes a long long time for it to get better and it will get worse. Once the kids are older and more independent she won't be able to order him about so much but until then it's a fucking nightmare.

I'm just hugely disappointed. I thought this had potential and I have had such a nice time. But I just can't do a weak man.

You will get people on here and the step-parent board saying that he is right to put the kids first in every circumstance but I don't think that's true. If he had a set time to see them and she changes it at the last minute he has every right to turn around and say actually no that's not working for me and if she chooses not to let him have them then that's on her not him. I know from experience that a few times of that and she will stop because she wants a break from her kids! He needs to stop being so weak and accommodating and stand up to her otherwise he will never be in another relationship. I hope you move on and find someone who doesn't think it's ok to drop you at the last minute.

I wasted years of my life waiting

You didn’t ‘have to’ change your plans. You chose to.

Understandable that you don’t want to.

So I messaged him earlier saying how the situation makes me feel like I'm not prioritised and that really doesn't leave me anywhere to go, in view of our recent conversation. He's read and ignored it. Jings, it looks like I've seriously misjudged this one.

At least he’s making it clear where you are in his priorities by avoiding the conversation. Sorry OP, but you sound sensible and it seems like your gut is telling you the right thing.

Thanks @AmandaHugenkiss. I am sensible. Will still probably have a wee cry tonight though.

Yeah it’s pretty shit having to make that call when everything else seems great, but it’s essentially him saying he only makes you important when it’s easy to. You would probably find he takes the easy route with any hard decisions or difficult family situations in the future, and not be the support you need.

It’s truly shit though and it’s awful breaking up even when it’s your choice. Treat yourself to some time looking after yourself with something you enjoy, and remind yourself that you are worth someone who would have your back in every situation.

I'm sorry he's not stepped up but you've done the right thing. If he's causing you this much heartache now, it'd be worse the longer it went on.

He's putting his ex first, it's not about his dcs if he sees them and pays for them when he should

After been in a similar situation myself, I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to run, run as fast as I could! It went from bad to worse. There was a massive flashing neon sign in the very beginning that I completely ignored telling myself it would get better in time. 6 years later it was worse! Just run x

@RedMarauder excellent advise. Just wish someone had told me that years ago, would have saved a lot of stress and hassle

Thanks all. I appreciate the advice! Def can't ignore the red flags but still pretty sad.

It’s okay to be sad. But your future self will thank you, promise

It's ok to be sad whilst knowing that it can't go anywhere as you want more than he can give you at this time. You'll be ok it's only 6 months and though it hurts it's all a learning experience. My experience was dating and ultimately marrying a man without children (I have a DD) was simplicity itself compared to dating a father with a sometimes awkward ex.