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Original poster

Very romantic, but not sexual.

79 replies

YouShouldLeave · 25/04/2021 07:31

Okey, so i have a problem.

I would really like to be in a relationship, but without sex.

I’ve been asked out, i have had crushes, sometimes mutual, but they ALWAYS end when i tell them i do not have sex.

I feel strong romantic attraction, would love to be in a relationship.
My lonliness has really start to get to me, but i’m highly sex repulsed.

How on earth do i go on about this?
I can’t talk to anyone about this irl.

How do i found someone, or do i just accept that i have to be alone all my life?

OP posts:
SpringtimeSummertime · 25/04/2021 07:34

Lots of people are Asexual and still have very close romantic relationships. Read Asexual forums and you will see you are definitely not alone!

category12 · 25/04/2021 07:35

Date other asexual people?

Snakebyte · 25/04/2021 07:42

Why not start a dating or friendship club or website for asexuals. Apparently lots of people are and since you are having issues of loneliness, perhaps others are too. Check what is already out there first but it could be a niche which could be very helpful to people.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/04/2021 09:37

Don't bother trying to date on asexual dating sites. Asexual men are the wettest on the planet, it's impossible to try and get them to actually meet up and they can never actually make a decision.
I've given up now after years of trying.

SpringtimeSummertime · 25/04/2021 09:42

Asexual men are the wettest on the planet, it's impossible to try and get them to actually meet up and they can never actually make a decision.

Bad luck if that’s YOUR experience but anyone who makes generalisations like that isn’t worth listening to (in MY experience). 😡

Original poster
YouShouldLeave · 25/04/2021 09:44

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Don't bother trying to date on asexual dating sites. Asexual men are the wettest on the planet, it's impossible to try and get them to actually meet up and they can never actually make a decision. I've given up now after years of trying.
Oh no, i’m sorry to hear that.

I didn't even know there are dating sites for asexuals.

Do you mind if i ask if you are lonely/ feel like an outsider?
And if you do, how do/did you overcome that.
I’m sorry, i know these are really personal questions, it’s just that i don’t know anyone who could relate.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 25/04/2021 09:55

Assuming you are asexual and not just repulsed by sex as a result of say, abuse (in which case maybe it would be worth it to look into therapies. Not that you have to change for anyone of course) I would have suggested asexual dating websites.

Other possible suggestions (though perhaps not as fulfilling):

  • throw yourself into friendships, activities and self-work. Often loneliness is just boredom in disguise. And friendships can also be fulfilling.

  • get an affectionate pet or two. Looking back, I've always been happier single with an affectionate pet than when in relationships. Pets are often lots more loving than partners.

  • go in lots of dates just for fun. Let's face it, sometimes the first month of dating someone is the best. You get the heady rush of attraction and the fun dates...before having to witness the excitement crash and burn in the train wreckage of bringing them home one night and finding them the next moring, clipping their toenails on your best coffee table.

Just suggestions.
I'd avoid putting 'asexual' on regular dating sites as theres a lot of assholes out there that would just take that shit as a challenge.

Ihatesalad · 25/04/2021 11:20

I never was asexual but have realised I do feel like this as I’ve got older. Thing is in your late 50s or early 60s it seems these days it’s not acceptable to no longer be that bothered about sex with others— prefer an occasional bit of ‘self’ if I’m honest

Original poster
YouShouldLeave · 25/04/2021 21:52

”* go in lots of dates just for fun. Let's face it, sometimes the first month of dating someone is the best. You get the heady rush of attraction and the fun dates...before having to witness the excitement crash and burn in the train wreckage of bringing them home one night and finding them the next moring, clipping their toenails on your best coffee table. ”

Not really sure how this would work?
At what point would i tell them there wouldn’t be any sex?
Surely not many date for a month without it these days.

OP posts:
Plumplumbadum · 25/04/2021 23:39

I think you need to be honest right from the start. After all, most people who date are expecting sex at some point whether that is sooner or later. You are just wasting peoples time otherwise. It's up to them then if they want to carry on seeing you. It's the kindest thing to do, both for you and for them.

Original poster
YouShouldLeave · 01/05/2021 16:04

@category12

Date other asexual people?
Problem is finding them.
OP posts:
category12 · 01/05/2021 17:03

Well, up thread you said you didn't know there were asexual dating sites, so try there.

Sunflowergirl1 · 01/05/2021 17:24

@YouShouldLeave "I would really like to be in a relationship, but without sex."

Isn't this more like a good friend? You need to be honest before meeting anyone that there is no intention of sex so they fully understand the situation.

Cloudfrost · 01/05/2021 17:35

Have you looked into your repulsion of sex? Is it something that could be worked on through therapy/experimentation?
Tey looking for other asexual people or invest more into friendships.

Without wanting to insult or to be rude, for me personally a relationship without sex would be just a good friendshipit must be disheartening to you that people disappear but at the same time if someone told me they had zero interest in sex ever, after a month of talking/dating I would be extremely pissed off as I would feel my time was deliberately wasted.

Original poster
YouShouldLeave · 01/05/2021 17:51

[quote Sunflowergirl1]@YouShouldLeave "I would really like to be in a relationship, but without sex."

Isn't this more like a good friend? You need to be honest before meeting anyone that there is no intention of sex so they fully understand the situation. [/quote]
No, not to me.
Surely sex isin’t the only thing in a relationship?
I would like to live with a partner, in a committed relationship with someone. Share and build a life with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouShouldLeave · 01/05/2021 18:00

@Cloudfrost

Have you looked into your repulsion of sex? Is it something that could be worked on through therapy/experimentation? Tey looking for other asexual people or invest more into friendships.

Without wanting to insult or to be rude, for me personally a relationship without sex would be just a good friendshipit must be disheartening to you that people disappear but at the same time if someone told me they had zero interest in sex ever, after a month of talking/dating I would be extremely pissed off as I would feel my time was deliberately wasted.

I really don’t know if it can be worked on, it’s so strong. And since i don’t care about sex or want to have it, there really isin’t that much motivation to try. Wouldn’t even know where to begin.

And also, if i could ”fix it” or ”get over it” for lack of a better word, there would always be that nagging voice telling me (if i then would find someone) that they are only with me because sex and for the person i am.

I am not explaining it well.
I’m afraid that i would have to be someone i’m not, in order to be loved.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/05/2021 18:31

Surely sex isin’t the only thing in a relationship? I would like to live with a partner, in a committed relationship with someone. Share and build a life with them.

Most people are looking for sex as part of that sort of relationship and would find it a loss or sacrifice not to have it. They want to feel wanted sexually. Which is why you really need to look in the admittedly smaller dating pool of asexuals or people with low sex drives.

Original poster
YouShouldLeave · 01/05/2021 18:38

@category12

Surely sex isin’t the only thing in a relationship? I would like to live with a partner, in a committed relationship with someone. Share and build a life with them.

Most people are looking for sex as part of that sort of relationship and would find it a loss or sacrifice not to have it. They want to feel wanted sexually. Which is why you really need to look in the admittedly smaller dating pool of asexuals or people with low sex drives.

Yep, i’m learning to wrap my head around that.

I remember being younger and trying to date and i had no idea people had these want(since i’ve never experienced any of them). A lot of confusion on both sides.

I think that left the fear that i’m never gonna be good enough and worthy of love.

OP posts:
tinydancer88 · 01/05/2021 18:51

It's definitely not about you being good enough or not, it's about compatible wants.

I don't want to have children so couldn't be with someone who did - the majority of the population do want this though, so I have to make this clear.

I think finding a community of other asexual people might be the best route.

Cloudfrost · 01/05/2021 22:34

It's not about being worthy of love. The desire for sex is a need for most people that they want to fulfill. Some people experience it like an itch that needs scratching, for others is almost on the same level as eating and drinking.

If I met the best person in the world, they ticked and even exceeded every tick box. There could be.. But they wouldn't want sex... It would be a no from me because a relationship without sex is not a relationship to me. That doesn't mean that that person wouldn't be amazing or worthy of love though.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with you, and there is nothing you need to fix. I just asked about the origin of the repulsion to sex, and whether you were looking to look into it as people can have aversion to it due to issues with self esteem, shame, religious beliefs, thinking its dirtyy/unsanitary, repulsion by the look of female or male parts.... Some of these issues can be resolved through therapy (if the person wants to actually change their sex drive) . Of course there are also people who are just not interested, in which case they shouldn't try to change who they are. Is it something that you would want to do but something stops u from doing, or is it something that sounds as interesting as watching a 10 hour documentary in a foreign language about a ridiculous topic? 😂

CN I ask, don't have to reply if too personal, but have you tried self pleasure or is that something that doesn't interest you either?

eatsleepread · 01/05/2021 23:39

Dating without sex - but with your issues surrounding sex - seems a bit like sticking a plaster over a gaping wound.

Hont1986 · 01/05/2021 23:46

Have you had sex before, OP?

Original poster
YouShouldLeave · 02/05/2021 05:23

@Cloudfrost

It's not about being worthy of love. The desire for sex is a need for most people that they want to fulfill. Some people experience it like an itch that needs scratching, for others is almost on the same level as eating and drinking.

If I met the best person in the world, they ticked and even exceeded every tick box. There could be.. But they wouldn't want sex... It would be a no from me because a relationship without sex is not a relationship to me. That doesn't mean that that person wouldn't be amazing or worthy of love though.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with you, and there is nothing you need to fix. I just asked about the origin of the repulsion to sex, and whether you were looking to look into it as people can have aversion to it due to issues with self esteem, shame, religious beliefs, thinking its dirtyy/unsanitary, repulsion by the look of female or male parts.... Some of these issues can be resolved through therapy (if the person wants to actually change their sex drive) . Of course there are also people who are just not interested, in which case they shouldn't try to change who they are. Is it something that you would want to do but something stops u from doing, or is it something that sounds as interesting as watching a 10 hour documentary in a foreign language about a ridiculous topic? 😂

CN I ask, don't have to reply if too personal, but have you tried self pleasure or is that something that doesn't interest you either?

Mostly i just don’t want to be touched or touch someone. I don’t like to be very close to people. Let alone that close and naked.

No religion, trauma, i don’t think sex is wrong.

I like the way you described ”sounds as interesting as watching a 10 hour documentary in a foreign language about a ridiculous topic? ”
because that’s how it has felt like when i have tried to find something on the internet to help me out.
I never finish the articles or whatever, i get so bored.

I have masturbated, i can orgasm (usually), it’s just ”mjeh”.
I don’t care for it, i don’t feel better or worse just that it is done.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouShouldLeave · 02/05/2021 06:12

@Hont1986

Have you had sex before, OP?
No, I have not.
OP posts:
Sunflowergirl1 · 02/05/2021 17:17

@YouShouldLeave "No, not to me.
Surely sex isin’t the only thing in a relationship?
I would like to live with a partner, in a committed relationship with someone. Share and build a life with them."

I'm sorry but sex is in most relationships a fundamental basis in the relationship. Whilst often sex dwindles, this is often when relationships founder and form the basis of the difference between being deep friends or a partner