Very romantic, but not sexual.

[YouShouldLeave]

Okey, so i have a problem.

I would really like to be in a relationship, but without sex.

I’ve been asked out, i have had crushes, sometimes mutual, but they ALWAYS end when i tell them i do not have sex.

I feel strong romantic attraction, would love to be in a relationship.
My lonliness has really start to get to me, but i’m highly sex repulsed.

How on earth do i go on about this?
I can’t talk to anyone about this irl.

How do i found someone, or do i just accept that i have to be alone all my life?

@category12

Well, one of the biggest problems for mental health with the pandemic has been "touch starvation" for people. If you google, you'll find articles about it?

Is there trauma in your past, or is it just like a foreign language to you? I'm sure there's someone out there for you, but what you want is quite niche.

What do you mean by romance?

I know about touch starvation, i just can’t relate. I’ve barely been touched my entire life, far back as i can remember. Last time was way over a year and half ago, quick firm squeeze to my arm. Might sound strange, but it ”hurt” for few days.

I don’t know, more i now think about it, more confused i get.

I’ve only really thought about these things alone in my head and you people opened my eyes a bit.

Anyway, no trauma.
Just really not used to touching or closness.

Until this thread, romance to me was just a couple, living together, companionship.
Both feeling ”this is my person, i belong here”.

[quote jb7445]@YouShouldLeave hello! I don't exactly have any advice, but just wanted to say I'm a woman with a 'normal' (whatever that is) sexual appetite and extremely happily married to an asexual man. He's the love of my life and we click on so many levels that are more important than sex. If you meet the right person they will love you for you. I would say from my perspective that the lack of any physical contact at all would be difficult - my husband and I do kiss and cuddle, just nothing more. But everyone is different - I hope you find the right partner for you x[/quote]
Thank you so much for this.

Best wishes for both of you.

Until this thread, romance to me was just a couple, living together, companionship.
Both feeling ”this is my person, i belong here”

To me (I don't know about anyone else) romance is doing nice things for each other, flirting, being affectionate, kissing, spending time together. I think romance and companionship are different things, they aren't mutually exclusive in a relationship but they are different. What you describe is just companionship imo. Companionship makes you feel safe, comfortable and content whereas romance is exciting and passionate.

Tbh OP I think that what you are looking for is a best friend that you live with, have common interests with, can count on to be there for you and that you trust. I know of a few people who have really close friendships like this, the problem for you in this is that they may then form romantic relationships with other people and the friendship drifts apart somewhat. Would you want to completely rule out the possibility of this person having sexual relationships with other people?

Are you wanting to have a relationship with someone that you find attractive? Is attraction important to you?

OP, I just started thinking about it more, for a start. Let my mind open up to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I carried an attraction for women. I had a friend at the time who had come out a couple of years previously, and she told me about her experiences, we were very frank and open with each other. I recognised that I'd spent my entire life ignoring my true feelings and shoehorning myself into what other people expected of me, in lots of ways, my sexuality only being one of them. It's a long story, really, but I hesitatingly started dating women and met someone lovely. Being with her was like friendship, companionship, equality and sexuality completely aligned and I finally discovered what relationships should be like.

@Shelovesamystery

*Until this thread, romance to me was just a couple, living together, companionship. Both feeling ”this is my person, i belong here”*

To me (I don't know about anyone else) romance is doing nice things for each other, flirting, being affectionate, kissing, spending time together. I think romance and companionship are different things, they aren't mutually exclusive in a relationship but they are different. What you describe is just companionship imo. Companionship makes you feel safe, comfortable and content whereas romance is exciting and passionate.

Tbh OP I think that what you are looking for is a best friend that you live with, have common interests with, can count on to be there for you and that you trust. I know of a few people who have really close friendships like this, the problem for you in this is that they may then form romantic relationships with other people and the friendship drifts apart somewhat. Would you want to completely rule out the possibility of this person having sexual relationships with other people?

Are you wanting to have a relationship with someone that you find attractive? Is attraction important to you?

Passion really isin’t romance to me.

I would definitely want commitment, hopefully for life.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would be with until they find somebody to have sex with, that would make us just friends/roommates.

Someone with similar view, who is capable to have an relationship without sex.

To me people become attractive or unattractive as i get to know them.
If i like who they are a person, feel comfortable around them, i start to appreciate their looks.

Romance to me is very much associated with physical touch - things like holding hands, walking arm in arm, sitting entwined, looking into each other's eyes, the physical familiarity to brush away stray hairs or straighten ties.

Are you neurotypical?

I think for many people who enjoy sex it’s very hard to have a relationship with someone that doesn’t want sex at all. I know for sure that I couldn’t.

I definitely would be looking into dating websites for asexual people!

@category12

Romance to me is very much associated with physical touch - things like holding hands, walking arm in arm, sitting entwined, looking into each other's eyes, the physical familiarity to brush away stray hairs or straighten ties.

Are you neurotypical?

Well, all i can say is that i’m looking for something different. Hand holding sound okey. Rest of it, not so much.

Damn, this sucks for me!

And yes i am.

Sounds to me like you want romance and love and someone to share your life with, just not the kissing/sex bit, and that is absolutely fine! There must be other people like that. I think you can have love without sex and vice versa. Who says that sex has to be the be all and end all? You would just need to find a like minded person, whether male or female.

@Ceriane

Sounds to me like you want romance and love and someone to share your life with, just not the kissing/sex bit, and that is absolutely fine! There must be other people like that. I think you can have love without sex and vice versa. Who says that sex has to be the be all and end all? You would just need to find a like minded person, whether male or female.

Yep, this sums it up pretty well.

I agree.

You might try a few dates with women to see how you feel about it.

Have you ever had a pet before?

@RantyAnty

You might try a few dates with women to see how you feel about it.

Have you ever had a pet before?

A pet? Grew up with cats and dog, currently i have 1 dog.

This may sound like an odd question but, has anyone ever mentioned neurodivergence/autism to you?

I asked that earlier, OP says she's neurotypical.

Sorry Category 12. So you did.

Hi OP, not sure if this will help at all...

I'm not asexual, and always liked the idea of sex, but didn't actually want to go through with it with anyone. This was for religious reasons, but also because I found the idea of foriegn body fluids etc a bit gross! The idea of sex was better than what I thought the reality was likely to be like. However, once I actually fell in love with my husband-to-be, that changed; I wanted to have sex with him as an individual. But sex with anyone else still gives me the ick. Body fluids, ewwww.
The same with kissing. I'd done plenty of kissing and always found it pretty boring to be honest - it didn't do anything for me; it wasn't intolerable, just not very pleasant and pretty wet. But kissing my husband who I love is phenomenal. Can't explain what the difference is biological/hormonally etc, but love makes it.

Physical closeness is very important, but depending on your needs that could be sex, or just hand holding like you suggest. If you can find someone likeminded I think that just hand holding and maybe (later, when you love them) you could stretch to hugging, would be enough touch.

The only thing to bear in mind is that sex is one form of vulnerability (or can be, assuming it's done right)! Vulnerability is important in a committed romantic relationship. If you are not achieving vulnerability by being completely naked next to your partner, hiding nothing from them, how will you get that vulnerability? There are other ways, like being utterly open with your heart/mind. I think me and my husband have both physical and mental vulnerability with each other, and I think that that is what the difference is between our relationship, and say, a relationship with a close friend. He is the other half of me, so I don't hide anything from him at all - not my body, not my thoughts. There is nobody else in my life like this, and never has been. Are you prepared to be completley open in talking about your deepest darkest feelings? Laying bare your soul?

I don't know if that helps at all - sorry for waffling! I hope you find your person, and I'm sure they're out there somewhere. If you feel this way, it stands to reason there are others who do too.

I'm intrigued now! Do you show your pet physical affection? I can't imagine not stroking, petting holding my pets...

It probably says a lot about me that I find it far stranger that you might have a dog and not cuddle it!

@AltiC

I'm intrigued now! Do you show your pet physical affection? I can't imagine not stroking, petting holding my pets...

It probably says a lot about me that I find it far stranger that you might have a dog and not cuddle it!

Oh yeah, absolutely, all of the above. Plus kisses.

Plus kisses.
Eww

I'm really confused now - you find human kisses gross, but are happy with dog-licks?

@category12

Plus kisses. Eww

I'm really confused now - you find human kisses gross, but are happy with dog-licks?

I kiss her on top of her head and her cheek, no tongue action.

"Oh yeah, absolutely, all of the above.
Plus kisses."

Phew! Well I am relieved! That your 🐕 is getting the love!

But, if you can hug and kiss your dog then it follows that you can probably be tactile and affectionate with a human too. Maybe as a PP said, you should consider dating women? You said the ick factor is less than it is with men and there's probably less expectation on a date that it'll lead to sex and perhaps easier communication too.

I think it's because kissing a human is a preamble to sex eventually - and Op doesn't want sex. And with pecking a dog there is no fluids involved. I think this is the best insight into asexuality I've ever read.
Yes, you have to find a similar person ad once you love / start spending a lot of time together, you may start wanting to cuddle, gradually. I believe you may never want or loke sex, but if you like hugging your pet, you will like to do that with the right human!

I reckon a lot of your difficulty with finding someone actually stems from the fact that you don't crave any sort of physical affection which will exclude even some asexual people from the dating pool.

"I remember being younger and trying to date and i had no idea people had these want(since i’ve never experienced any of them). A lot of confusion on both sides."

Didn't you have an idea from television or talking to friends? It's one thing not wanting it yourself (I can relate to that), but I find it odd that you're disconnected from how other people are, unless you were very sheltered as a child.

"Anyway, no trauma.
Just really not used to touching or closness."

That does suggest it stems from your childhood though.