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Original poster

Very romantic, but not sexual.

79 replies

YouShouldLeave · 25/04/2021 07:31

Okey, so i have a problem.

I would really like to be in a relationship, but without sex.

I’ve been asked out, i have had crushes, sometimes mutual, but they ALWAYS end when i tell them i do not have sex.

I feel strong romantic attraction, would love to be in a relationship.
My lonliness has really start to get to me, but i’m highly sex repulsed.

How on earth do i go on about this?
I can’t talk to anyone about this irl.

How do i found someone, or do i just accept that i have to be alone all my life?

OP posts:
Sakurami · 02/05/2021 17:50

Do asexual people masturbate? Your don't like orgasming?

Original poster
YouShouldLeave · 02/05/2021 18:00

@Sakurami

Do asexual people masturbate? Your don't like orgasming?
Few posts up, i’ve answered already.
OP posts:
wdmtthgcock · 02/05/2021 18:24

Try asexual dating sites and see what happens.

AsexualHealing · 02/05/2021 18:31

I think I may be asexual too (hence the name change!). I am in the same boat, thinking I would like a relationship but I’m fairly certain I don’t want sex. It’s quite hard to explain to people isn’t it? I’ve never been on any asexual sites or dating sites so maybe I need to take the plunge too.

Original poster
YouShouldLeave · 02/05/2021 18:46

@AsexualHealing

I think I may be asexual too (hence the name change!). I am in the same boat, thinking I would like a relationship but I’m fairly certain I don’t want sex. It’s quite hard to explain to people isn’t it? I’ve never been on any asexual sites or dating sites so maybe I need to take the plunge too.
It really is, i think the gulf is so vast it’s impossible to understand (from both sides).

I’ve now searched asexual site (yes there was only one) in my country, but it was pretty much dead....
I hope, if you take the plunge, you have much better luck than i did!

OP posts:
wildeverose · 02/05/2021 18:59

Definitely need to actually find another asexual person. It's perfectly understandable that someone who isn't asexual would be gone when they realised there wouldn't be any sex. I think being upfront from the very start, before you go on a date even, just so you know, I'm asexual. Then you aren't wasting your time. Agree with asexual dating sites to try!

category12 · 02/05/2021 19:15

Dating sites such as OKCupid let you set your profile as asexual and you can search for other asexuals looking for the same as you?

Cloudfrost · 03/05/2021 08:37

Based on your reply above I assume that kissing and cuddling would not be of interest to you?

Why would you like a relationship? Which aspects of it would you like that can't be fulfilled through other means?

CargoShortsAndSlippers · 03/05/2021 08:40

Is it sex in general, or is it sex with men?

Original poster
YouShouldLeave · 03/05/2021 09:21

@Cloudfrost

Based on your reply above I assume that kissing and cuddling would not be of interest to you?

Why would you like a relationship? Which aspects of it would you like that can't be fulfilled through other means?

Companionship. Share and build a life with someone. Live with the person i love and be loved back by them.

I didn’t grow up with affectioned parents, so maybe that could be the reason i don’t put any value on touching.
I’m just saying this, cause i read your message as if you find it weird strange someone would like to be in a relationship without cuddles.
I didn’t even considered it.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouShouldLeave · 03/05/2021 09:30

@CargoShortsAndSlippers

Is it sex in general, or is it sex with men?
Definitely stronger when it comes to men, but i always assummed it’s just because hetero sex and relationships are shoved down our throats day in and day out. (No offence, i just really feels like this often times).

I have wondered if i could be lesbian, but even though it does feel ”more right” for me, i still mostly just fantasize about love.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 03/05/2021 09:34

How old are you?

Would your ideal relationship be with someone who avoided all touch? Could you share a bed or would that been too close?
Have you missed passionately before?

Fireflygal · 03/05/2021 09:35
  • kissed
category12 · 03/05/2021 09:45

if you find it weird strange someone would like to be in a relationship without cuddles.
I didn’t even considered it.

Are you saying you're not interested in hugs etc either? I think you'll find it even harder to find someone to have a relationship with, if cuddles and all kinds of physical intimacy are off the table. Most people crave touch, even if not sexual touch. What you would be offering is companionship and friendship really.

category12 · 03/05/2021 09:50

And even friends expect/need hugs sometimes.

Cloudfrost · 03/05/2021 09:55

Hope I haven't offended you with my questions. It's a bit unusual (from my experiences) that someone doesn't want any sort of physical contact with someone that they are in a relationship with. Physical contact marked you feel connected, makes you feel closer to the other person, it's an expression of affection and desire. There are often threads on mumsnet about women who for one reason or another have lost their sexual desire, but even then they still enjoy other expressions of physical contact.

Lack of any physical contact would make a partner feel undesired and unloved. I think what you said in what of your earlier replies is true, the difference between the 2 sides is so vast, it's hard to see where the other person is coming from. A relationship where I wouldn't have sex, kiss, cuddle, touch my partner sounds to me like a cruel torture. I wouldn't stay in such a relationship and if I had to stay, it would absolutely destroy me.... I imagine you feel the same about the idea of being in a relationship that includes all of the above.

It's very interesting what you say about your parents though. Lack of affection as a child definitely affects the way you grow up and hinders your emotional development. You should consider possibly talking to a therapist about this, not with the goal to want sex, but just for you to be your best self.

I know you said you have tried reading about sex and u got bored. But how do you feel reading about Attachment theory and the effect lack of affection as a baby/child can have on you.

The feeling of being held in a loved ones arms when you are feeling upset and while there you feel safe, and like nothing in the world can hurt you... That feeling is so amazing and I really wish you that one day you will be able to experience it Smile

MyNameForToday1980 · 03/05/2021 10:12

Asexuality (ASE) is uncommon, but real, there are many people who are asexual.

Aromantic (ARO) people also exist (people who don't want relationships).

Some people are ASE and ARO.

Some people are ASE but not ARO (like you seem to be).

Some people are ARO but not ASE.

Any people can have any sexuality.

Whatever combine you are there will be like-minded people.

MyNameForToday1980 · 03/05/2021 10:13

*combination

honeylulu · 03/05/2021 10:38

This is a really fascinating post and I hope there is a solution for you OP. But I admit I'm really struggling to understand what it is that you want from a relationship/love/romance that you say you want. You'd like to be able to share your life with someone and live together but not have sex (that bit is easy enough to follow), no kisses and cuddles, no physical closeness. That is the bit I'm struggling with because it doesn't sound like love and romance. It sounds like a deep friendship where the two friends share a house (and perhaps neither has any romantic partners elsewhere?). How does the love, aside from the love one has for one's friends, and romance manifest itself for you in that scenario?

There are couples who love each other romantically but spend long periods without physical contact but usually that's going to be because a practical issue is keeping them apart (long distance relationship).

I think you need to work out exactly what it is you want in order to have a decent chance of finding someone who wants the same.

CargoShortsAndSlippers · 03/05/2021 10:59

I think you should consider if you're lesbian and haven't given yourself space to explore that before. I was baffled about why people liked sex for many years, until I dated women that is.

Original poster
YouShouldLeave · 03/05/2021 11:23

Okey, now there’s so much to think about.

I don’t really get anything from touching, i just feel uncomfortable.
I just pull away.
It’s not that it has to be avoided.
I never touch other people, i find it disrespectful, i must be projecting my own issues there.

I wouldn’t mind share a bed, snoring would cause problems though.

I haven’t kissed (slimey, don’t want it).

It was interesting read about being held and feeling loved, i wish i could be that person.
I think i would just feel drained.

” It sounds like a deep friendship where the two friends share a house (and perhaps neither has any romantic partners elsewhere?). ”
This sounds great to be, i can see romance in this though.
Like super close, committed friends.

I’m 34.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouShouldLeave · 03/05/2021 11:25

@CargoShortsAndSlippers

I think you should consider if you're lesbian and haven't given yourself space to explore that before. I was baffled about why people liked sex for many years, until I dated women that is.
Is it too personal to ask how did start exploring this?
OP posts:
jb7445 · 03/05/2021 11:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

category12 · 03/05/2021 11:31

Well, one of the biggest problems for mental health with the pandemic has been "touch starvation" for people. If you google, you'll find articles about it?

Is there trauma in your past, or is it just like a foreign language to you? I'm sure there's someone out there for you, but what you want is quite niche.

What do you mean by romance?

honeylulu · 03/05/2021 11:53

It sounds like a deep friendship where the two friends share a house (and perhaps neither has any romantic partners elsewhere?).
This sounds great to me, i can see romance in this though

But how does the romance manifest itself in that scenario? What differentiates it from simply a close friendship?

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